Quest for my normal

[brodman]

shanrucas I too hope you fixed your problem good you are feelin better Your dogs are probably as big as Domino's feet hehe

I hope Linda is ok today too think I read she had dr appointment

Domino does already have mini wardrobe he has a tux collar a rain coat a winter wrap and boots if he grows anymore will have to borrow your horse blanket for him.

Jedidiah its ok you need your sleep sorry your present came late for your birthday. I knew you would like it Ill help you get to know it. Whats this stuff I see on other thread about you not going back for surgery If I have to carry your marshmellow pale butt your goin back I told ya when you are all fixed up able to take ride again I will drive you to amishland to see your folks. Even if I gotta take a day off work which I dont do I will. Dont forget that pretty hot nurse either I bet she misses you and what about that breathing dr that kept comin in never seen such a hot dr like her before. Hospitals suck man gotta get you all fixed up though dont know any other place that can do that.

I had real crappy day gonna bitch all about it some stupid new aid came with one of the old ladies today. She was about 5 minutes from me leaving her on shoulder of parkway I dont like people messin with my routine. I always give the first few rows of seats to those with the canes walkers and the more able bodied old people get the farther rows This witch gets in with her old lady patient who is very nice lady leaves her in front row starts heading for back of bus. Told her nicely that she has to sit with the lady what if she needs something is this witch plannin on walkin up the center while we are cruisin she gives me lip but sits her overly plump ass down.

Then I get on parkway only 3 exits till we get off road is still horrible speed limit is 65 first off the bus would go into convultions if even tried going that speed but in right lane because of short trip and because we are barely doing 45 she starts complainin how we will never get there. I ignore her and listen as others are reminding this twit of the bad weathered road. Get to the surpermarket old people like this particular market they say its cheaper has more stuff I dont know nor do I care i take them where they want. When we get there barely in front of store shes undoing her seatbelt to pile out of door. Told her she needs to wait I always let the more able bodied folks out first then help the ones with the canes, walkers and today had wheelchair guy with us who would get off last cause gotta get him on and off lift. She starts complainin again nice lady she is with asks her nicely to sit down stop causing problems.

All the able bodies pile off then get the rest off. This witch barely even helps the lady she is gettin paid to aid. Im now gettin wheelchair guy off and she comes over to side of bus and goes your gonna sit here and wait Ill only be a few minutes. For some reason she thinks she is only person she isnt even old well she is old but not like the seniors before I could respond wheelchair guy tells her why dont you leave the kid alone already he waits for everyone she stomped off into the store. I go to park the bus and head in to help wheelchair guy he has trouble wheelin around and fillin up his basket by himself.

I leave him at the checkout one of the others will help him bring out his stuff and I go get the bus to bring it to the front door so everyone doesnt have to walk far. Again this witch is not really helping the lady she is workin for and trying to get on first the other ladies tell her she has to wait everyone piles on and Im gettin the lift ready for wheelchair guy Im in the middle of riding up with him and this witch starts yelling that its freezing and to close the damn door already I dont control the lift speed and its not my fault stupid doesnt even have jacket on. I get wheelchair guy locked in and door closed.

As I get to the front of the bus the CB starts beepin always get 3 annoying beeps before a transmission is to come over All the old people know its a garbled mess and get quiet so I can hear I dont even have to ask them anymore they just do it. The call comes over its about someones pickup from the doctor being changed This witch starts askin me somethin I give her the finger not the one I would have liked but one to say give me a second Im trying to hear the new location address she doesnt shut up so I miss it I answer back for them to repeat the address she goes right back to sayin somethin her lady tells her to shut up she starts complainin again about how its takin too long and why cant I start driving already Ive now missed the new pickup location twice I turn and tell her shes more than welcome to get off the bus and get her own ride back. She starts cursin at me and well what the twit doesnt realize is that everything on the bus is recorded then she has almost all the old people yellin at her I was trying not to laugh.

The old people understand and sure would want me to hear a new location for a pickup because sometimes its theirs. No one likes waiting around especially in piles of snow in the cold finally get the new location and its a pickup needed in 15 minutes. I turn and say to the others Im gonna pick the lady up before makin drop offs otherwise this old lady is gonna be waitin almost an hour for me to go in opposite direction to then return. None of them have problem with it wouldnt matter if they did I still would have gone but they understand witch starts screaming her head off while Im now back on the parkway finally had it with her told her I will pull over and leave you on the shoulder I dont have to drive anyone that is causin unsafe bullshit she thinks Im playin Id leave her ass in a heartbeat.

Finally get everyone almost dropped off unfortuantly this witch is the last drop off. She gets off doesnt take 1 bag of the ladies or help her off the bus. I get the old lady off and grab her bags headin up to her door with her. Witch comes out sayin I hope you arent drivin us tomorrow it took every fiber in my being not to smack her I so wanted to smack the hell out of her shes lucky she is a female. If she starts her crap tomorrow I will leave her where ever we are

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Brodman hey I give you every right to smack that lady upside the head. And if you won't I sure will.

Maybe that woman should walk next time....

Wow people are just frigin ignorant and rude!!! Good for you for standing your ground.

I was out yesterday in the snow and I was on state rds and they were horrible as well as the backed up traffic and closed Uturns.!!! But we all did it. I got to the hematologist office which was filled with Seniors and people getting chemo and all of them vented about the roads and the blocked Uturns but you know we all just made the best out of it...

Hey Shannon hope you are settling a bit today. No more panic attacks? I hope not. No one is worth us getting to that point. Hang in there, I hope you have a nice friendly frank very explicit talk with your guy friend. I think he means no harm and probably is just wanting friendship but I bet he is a little off. Like I said, I can relate because that could be my son in about 10 yrs...

Well 2 Dr appts, Gastro wants clearance from the Cardiologist whuich means I have to have stress test and echo because I am high risk for sedation with colonoscopy and endoscopy and she has to do them at the same time which they normally dont do because they have to take me off my coumadin. Not good since they dont know why Iclotted so severely , I am high risk.

Went to hematologist he said hold off on all of that he wants to do a full body CT scan which he is looking for cancer and maybe more clots. Just wonderful!!! shoot me now!!! And he said this test will show what the other tests will show, where i am bleeding from internally. So kind of full of Anxiety? Concerned? Scared? Emotional? Confused? Hmmm anything else in there? Gee and for once I dont feel suicidal so now I feel like I am being punished some how for ever feeling and attempting it so many times. Paybacks are a bitch aren't they??

[notmary]

Hi Linda, sorry for butting into this thread but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying that all of the tests come back clear. I hope that in the new year you can be healed physically and that mental peace will come as a result of physical health... just call me Pollyanna!

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Pollyanna No please DO butt into the thread and if anyone else who reads this which judging by the amount of vews is a whole lot, please jump in and join our safe little virtual world!!!

Thanks so much for thinking about me, Mary. Yes I'm feeling life has really challenged me big time these last 5 years. Come to think of it January is my anniversary for my first bout of depression and the first of many many hospital stays and for me a whole life changing event. The only word I can explain it as is: Unbelievable....

But, it's all good right? I am here breathing, feeling chipper and trying to stay focused on diversions and talking about all of this daily with my pdoc or therapist or friends. As I have come to know, they are my bookends, literally...

So yes healing the physical should help the mental? But I also see it as good thing that I can luckily deal with the physical because of my good mental status so that can be a comfort as well.

And I just hope it stays that way. So any kind of therapy is helping like shopping but uhoh dont tell my husband

And I am driving!!! Yippeeeeeeeeee, finally......

So again thanks for the well wishes and I am sending them right back to you Mary (((HUGS)))

[shanrucas]

Linda Im so glad to hear you are back to driving...watch out world she has her wings. I'm always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers with all these tests and things that you have to go through and you manage to still look at all the good in the world..((hugs))

Mary...your not butting in...you are always invited.

Brodman..you sure showed such strength regarding that rude wench of a woman..I feel so bad for the woman she is charged with taking care of...makes you wonder..Thank god all those wonderful elderly people have you to watch out for them.

I had a wonderful day...had time to myself with the horses, got to ride for a bit came home took a hot shower and took a brief nap..now going to play with the pups..l feel so much better.

[Lindamomof7]

Shannon I am so happy you had a great day. You made me smile!!!

I guess your friend wasn't at the stables?

[shanrucas]

No he wasn't, I had the whole place to myself, after so many days without being able to decompress sort of speak...I really needed it. He was nice and probably harmless, type. He just was looking for something desparately that I couldn't give. I did give him names though of people that could help him with riding lessons and such.

[watercolor]

Hi Shannon (that's your name, right?). Thanks for replying to my new members post and telling me a little bit about yourself. Whether or not what I really have is bipolar II/rapid cycling (and like I said, I think my doctor is probably right in thinking it is) it's a little comforting to know I'm not completely alone with feeling like my emotions and other things are very out of whack. (Wait, did that come out the wrong way? I mean, I don't mean that I'm glad you have emotional problems, just glad I'm not alone with mine. I think you get what I mean. Anyways...) Later.

[shanrucas]

Hi Watercolor...yes I am Shannon and yes I understood what you meant..lol..sometimes when I trying to type something it really comes out strange..Anyway welcome to the bipolor section and to this thread. I hope that you find the support you need..and no you are not alone, hope to hear from you again.

Shannon

[Elijah]

Shannon, I am happy to hear you are feeling better.

Linda, I am so, sorry you have to go through all these medical issues. I can understand how it can feel never ending.

Brodman, I hope you had a much better day driving the seniors around. The lady you described sounds like a walking nightmare of a person. I do not understand why people act like this. It is not rare either which is most alarming to me. Did you take Domino with you today like you told me you would? How did he make out at the veterinarian? You are right that nurse and pulmonologist are very pretty. In all honesty I am not sure I will return next week. I would rather you take my marshmellow bottom home.

[shanrucas]

Jedidiah, yes It was a much better day. I wish you would reconsider in getting the procedures done first before going home. You are so young and you could have a life full of adventures ahead of you. What do the doctors say about not having the operations you need. I don't know much about what your condition is, but brodman sounds like he is determined to make sure you get it taken care of.

Anyway, I enjoy having you here on this thread and would like to continue hearing from you. Take care.

[shanrucas]

oops Jedidiah..I just saw your explanation on your birthday post..Im sorry that the recovery has been so hard..but your body has been through so much and needs to recovery and get over the shock of it all. Have the doctors said anything about after having the second surgery whether or not that you can resume normal activites after fully recovered? I had a friend that had a defect in one of her valves of her heart, a hole too I guess. Once she had surgery and fully recovered she said she feels great and not as tired as she use to be. It was a long recovery but she got through it. I hope that you can start feeling better soon.

Shannon

[brodman]

Hey hey people

Shanrucas good you had great day without mr cling screwin it up for ya. Linda jesus it might be easier to ask whats not needin checking on you ah? Hopin you get fixed up without any added problems. You both have plans for tonight?

That fat witch got kicked off my bus today which was one of the high points of the day. When I had gotten back to bus yard on wed I had dispatcher pull up the recordings of my trip with that idiot. She got call this mornin tellin her if she repeated her bullshit shed not be welcome to accompany old lady on bus.

Took the old people to lunch than walmart and craft type store. She was somewhat behaved on way to the stores but then started up again I kicked her off the bus left her in middle of parkin lot good riddens then it was just me the old people and Domino. I had gotten permission to bring Domino today hes come before not real issue just have to ask before bringing him. He had dr appt right after work was easier to bring him to work. Witch didnt like that he was on the bus All the old people love Domino none of them mind him comin along they even brought him goodies. I always put him in the seat right behind me everyone greets him when they get on. Its not like hes walkin all around bus or anything he has harness that gets buckled into seatbelt besides him licking me behind the ear breathin on my neck as I drive he just sits there like big kid.

Jedidiah Domino is fine he got his shots nails trimmed ears cleaned and I think he had hots for the standard white poodle boppin around the waitin room. Dopey Chihuahua kept barkin at him while his owner yakked away on her cell too bad he didnt sit on him. You know you are goin back next week do you know what day they want you back? I cant remember if you told me you gotta get fixed up sucky place or not like shanrucas says you can be feelin great after you fully recover its kind of like you had your spark plugs all clogged up and then they got taken off not makin you feel all that much better but once they get all nice and cleaned and put back youll be revin without problem hmm just thought do you know what spark plugs are

anyway either way youll have lots of visitors probably get more presents have that hottie nurse fallin over herself to get you whatever you want again Oh yeah I called that shrink your shrink gave me number for guy dont sound too bad wasnt expectin him to answer phone he sounds old though he even gives first meetin for free made appt will let ya know how he is You got plans for new years eve with the family? Domino and me start that cemetery job tonight not big deal will watch ball drop on laptop

I dont like the new ball they use supposed to be better and all but I liked one from when I was a kid

I gotta remember to bring food cant leave property once I get there pizza place probably wont deliver would think its prank I had to go today to get uniform no clue why I gotta wear uniform in middle of night watchin dead people they also gave large bottle of pepper spray with holster I wanna know who Im sprayin it is hideous uniform too look like rent a cop anyway if your up you can call.

What happened to hotspot maybe his kids buried him in the snow or maybe playin with all the toys still he is nice guy I like him

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Brodman, I can see why you had the highlight of your day by her getting kicked off, good ridens!

Yeah I hope Hotspot is good, probably really busy witht he storm realted stuff. But I wouldnt put it past him that his kids buried him in the snow and if thats the case we wont find him till spring!!

Yeah feeling kind of low , trying to keep my happy face on, I woke up really tired which is unusual because I am the one who wakes up and immediatley jumps into doing things. So my dragging I think is from whatever crap is going on with me...

And my therapist is away till next Wed but she knows I am in this funk and she said to contact her no matter what if i need to. Thats reassuring but I dont want to burden her on her vacation...

Dont know what I am going to do tonight, probably go to bed normal time which is early. I never was a new years celebrator since I go to bed early anyway. But Peter has been a bear and leaving him up till midnight is torcher for all of us for the next few days so I think we are foregoing new years tonight but just celebrate it early for the sake of celebrating it with the kids...

How about anyone else?

[shanrucas]

brodman...Im so glad that wench got kicked off the bus..she sounded like a real downer, not surprised that she would complain about Domino..she probably complain just about anything.

You made me laugh when describing having to wear uniform at the cementary..you are probably right though about the pizza place not delivering.

Linda, Im sorry you are feeling down and out today,,maybe everything you have been through has caught up to you...pamper yourself this weekend and take care ((hugs))

Not doing anything special for tonight..just like christmas its just me and mom. I will more than likely be up, if so I can watch celebration on tv.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Thanks Shannon I'm trying but I have this really heavy feeling I am carrying. add that to being emotional and I am useless....................................................

[shanrucas]

Linda....you are not useless when you have been so helpful and supportive to others..thats an important thing, I am so glad I have met you even though its not face to face..let us be supportive to you.

[brodman]

You are not useless.

[watercolor]

I think I need help. I don't know which thread to post this in, and this thread looks relatively active, and I don't know why but I have been feeling very isolated much of the time even though I am living with my loving, supportive family now, and maybe I just want someone to read and respond in any way I'm so desperate. The crying and sadness and hopelessness is getting so bad, I feel like I have nothing to live for, and the only thing that keeps me from killing myself right away is the guilt associated with the pain I know this would cause my family. Other than not wanting to hurt my family, I have no desire to live anymore. Today I became selfish and so while things were quiet around the house, I took my dad's car keys (I don't own a car) and snuck out the house and got in his car. My plan was to go to a store and buy a bunch of tylenol and dramamine as I hear that can be effective sometimes. I was going to park the car in a parking lot afterwards (or find a hotel room) and let enough time pass. But when I got in the car, I waited for a while and started sobbing some more. I just couldn't do it, I felt so guilty. I eventually got out of the car, put the keys back in their place, but I am still thinking about this. I am so scared.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Watercolor, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad and I hope by the time I am posting this you are ok. I truely understand your thoughts, feelings and desire for not wanting to live. I have gone through about 4 and a half years fo feeling like that. So I know the constant inner battle you are going through.

I know this is the last thing you want to hear but you really need to find someone you can trust to help you. Whether it is a family member, a friend or a professional. Not sure if you are seeing anyone like a therapist or a psychiatrist or are on any meds but I think it is time to help yourself.

I finally learned the hard way that those urges of not wanting to live only got me into more of a struggle and conflict becuase I did try so many times to not want to live but of course I always ended up in the ER which then created a miserable time of being committed to a psych hospital which led to more restrictions and I'm not sure if control issues are a problem for you but I surely realized they were for me.

But those urges were there no matter what. Sound familiar? So I decided and believe me the long and hard way that no matter what I need to have a support system in place to help me and not commit me. Whatever that might be for you but it is that you are trying to have and keep control of yourself and your destination.

Because believe me, it is much harder to kill this human body then ever thought of, well by me anyway. And all the ways you think will, won't, so again it leaves us feeling this even more horrible way of helpless.

So I am thinking of you and hoping you are ok and keep posting here if you want we are here and if you ever need to get in contact with anyone immediately you can post a new thread under "urgent need" that should get the attention of anyone who is online on the forum.

I truely hope you are alright and I feel for the struggle you are going through. Those feeling of not wanting to live anymore can still be there in your head I think it is what we do with them is what matters. Like I said, you have the control of your path in life right now and its when we lose it is when it really becomes clear what that path will be... so please think long and hard and always know that it is ok to ask for help...(((HUGS))) for you...

and please keep in contact with us here so we can help you??

[shanrucas]

Watercolor...we are here for you and understand the pain you are going through. Its ok to seek help during times like this and I hope you do, I am glad you didn't follow through. I wish I was online earlier to see your post.

I can't tell you how many times the pain was so great that I wish it would just end, even recently. But I keep going on. Keep posting, let us know how you are doing, even if you are feeling down, like Linda said you can also post in the urgent need forum, I have more than once and the response is quick and supportive, but I also seek help as soon as I can, I have to I have a mom and I love my pet family to much, I don't want to think what would happen to them if something were to happen to me. Take care of yourself, you say your family loves you, lean on them, let them help you find someone to talk to.

(((hugs))) from me too

Linda, I hope today is a better day, at least tolerable..I wish there was something more I could do to help you get through all this, you have such courage. xxoo

Shannon

[Elijah]

Hello,

Yes, Shannon they do claim after the surgeries and recovery that I would be able to resume normal activities. I do not believe them more importantly I believe I have derailed my life path.

Brodman, it was nice talking with you earlier. Somehow you always make me laugh and smile. I was wondering the same about Hotspot. I had come to read as a guest a few times I was not up to replying. I did not see anything from him. He did send me a virtual greeting card with animation and music. There were frogs dancing and singing, I had never seen anything like that before.

I apologize for not being more of a support giver in this thread.

[shanrucas]

Elijah..no need to apologize, there are times when I am so down I can't be as supportive as other times.

[Hotspot]

Hi

I'm here. Between work and my new addition having problems time has been limited. I'm hoping everyone is trying to have a good New Year start. I know easier said than done.

I'm stressed out. I don't sleep well to begin with add in my work schedule an a kid that hardly sleeps and you get drag ass me. I'm not much of a drinker however, cocoa is not going to cut it tonight. I need something stiff FAST

Linda, how are you doing hopefully better than what I read up top.

Shannon, how is your mother doing? Are you still back to having your alone time needed with the horses?

Jedidiah, happy you liked the card. Someone sent it to me a while ago I nearly wet myself laughing at those dancing frogs.

I saw your other post and this is only my opinion of course but I think you are just afraid. I don't mean "just" afraid but just in the sense that it seems like you are trying to make sense out of something that won't ever make sense. Kid major surgery of any kind is frightening anyone that says different is full of it. I've had a lot of surgeries over the years and I share the hating hospital scenario with you. No one in their right mind likes hospitals.

I don't think your being sick is some grand sign other than you are sick. I'm not religious and certainly not Amish I don't think it matters though. You are a kid without your parents immediate support all the while having their instilled beliefs ping ponging around in your brain. It takes courage to make your own decisions and guts to stand by them. If I understand adequately enough your parent's did not want you to have any surgeries but you chose to. Now you think by having had the initial surgery that you've somehow messed with your life path. Do you really think your life path is to die young? Being away from your family and hurting like you do isn't easy. Deciding the smallest of things probably seems insurmountable. I had been reading your original thread and although you definitely at times come off as confused you radiate with a zest for life most I doubt ever or will ever have. I think you need to do what is best for yourself. By best for yourself I mean return to the hospital on Friday like you need to and allow them to finish helping you.

Surround yourself with all those that care for you and before long this all will be only a memory. You'll be able to return to the things you enjoy doing without being in discomfort or risking death. Now compared to Brodman I am an old man however, if you wanted I'd come visit you. If not that is fine too. Your host family and counselor will also be there Brodman told me. You can also come here and talk with all of us. I wish you well Kid.

Brodman, how did the new job workout? You had me laughing when I read about the pizza shop probably not delivering to the cemetery. Did Domino fit in the golf cart?

[watercolor]

Thanks, guys, for responding to my post. I really appreciate the support and advice. I think I'm okay for now as I guess I don't feel in any kind of immediate danger anymore. I did manage to have a more open talk with my parents about my problems--I didn't tell them about the suicidal impulse and planning specifically, but I think talking with them helped a little. So I guess I'm no longer in a panic at the present moment though I am still really afraid because in large part I still very much wish I were dead. I feel like a walking suicide. I need to stop thinking this way, I know, but right now that's what it feels like. Anyway, thank you guys again so much.