What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[Sissagwaad]

Impolite? (is simply a judgement you've chosen, for your reasons

SR has every opportunity to partake in 'his' thread, or not. Wouldn't not talking or sharing observations be equally impolite, even uncaring?

is the glass half full or half empty sort of thing isn't it?

[soregretful]

So obviously sex isn't what makes it a meaningful relationship. I was more aiming at the idea that deep love necessitates sex. But it's probably useless to mention it.

It is just that in my religion premarital relations are frowned upon. Also u have to have a marriage consummated with sex. In other words no sex means no marriage. So u can imagine my fear in waiting until my wedding night to find out my parts don't work right. I have never wanted anything so much as I do to get married and have a family. I need love and I need to be loved.

[Musicman]

It is just that in my religion premarital relations are frowned upon. Also u have to have a marriage consummated with sex. In other words no sex means no marriage. So u can imagine my fear in waiting until my wedding night to find out my parts don't work right. I have never wanted anything so much as I do to get married and have a family. I need love and I need to be loved.

Sorry to be blunt here, but if you can become aroused and stay aroused at the thought or image of a woman, your parts are working right. I understand where you're coming from with the religious views, because my religion preaches very similar concepts. The truth, though, is that worrying about it is going to accomplish nothing except creating anxiety. If you WANT to get married, and you WANT to have a family, go for it. You've found the woman you love, and you're confident that she is able to make your dreams a reality. She has made it clear that she also wants to be with you. Waiting won't do any good, will it?

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I can't give you advice in that, since my views aren't necessarily compatible with being religious. I still think you need to find love and acceptance in yourself, independent of having a family.

[soregretful]

It is so hard to find love of myself! I may have done so much catastophizing....not even sure what I aroused myself with. Again, like MM said, I also know that I can arouse myself with appropriate things too. The only reason I bring family into it is because I can not bring someone into this and hurt her. It is just not fair. Went to a wedding with her and guess who caught the garter and bouquet? I will give you one guess. What the heck do I do with that?

[Musicman]

It is so hard to find love of myself! I may have done so much catastophizing....not even sure what I aroused myself with. Again, like MM said, I also know that I can arouse myself with appropriate things too. The only reason I bring family into it is because I can not bring someone into this and hurt her. It is just not fair. Went to a wedding with her and guess who caught the garter and bouquet? I will give you one guess. What the heck do I do with that?

SR, let me run through the possible outcomes I can envision.

1. The way I see it, by breaking up with her so that you don't drag her into your mess, you'll be hurting her really badly. She'll want to know why, and you can either give her the reason, or you can lie. If you can give her the reason, she may at least be understanding.

2. You can wait it out and neither make any commitments nor break up with her. If you do this, she will likely become hurt after some time, and may think it is her own fault and that she is unlovable. A breakup in this situation would be more than likely, and she may pin the blame on herself.

3. You can go ahead with marriage, and be confident that it's what both you and her wants. You can live a life of happiness with her by your side offering support. The day may come when she finds out about your problems, but she'd also realize that loved her enough to marry her and start a family. She already knows what a great person you are. That's why she wants to marry you! This is the only solution I can think of whereby she doesn't definitely come out hurt.

You know you want to spend your life with her, but are to afraid to hurt her. By not spending your life with her, the same outcome that you're trying to avoid may arise. The correct choice seems obvious.

[Sissagwaad]

Use your imagination, lol

I may have done so much catastophizing....not even sure what I aroused myself with.

OK... so, 'knowing this,' about 'having done,'.....what have you learned, of value, that you dedicate yourself to doing with your 'now'? Isn't that the important thing to recognize, to appreciate, about applying yourself to your 'gift of now'?

And, what the F, does it matter, really,....whatever specifically you may or may not have aroused yourself with 'yesterday'? Isn't it more vital what you've decided your going to commit yourself to 'today.'?

It's not called 'the present' for nothing

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I caught a bouquet about 5 years ago. So what does that mean. I should have married, because a bouquet told me so?

Maybe you need to find a way that is fair. Maybe that means you'd rather voice your concerns before you marry and be open about your worries. That might mean you'd first have to work out how to do that and how to understand the problem yourself.

[soregretful]

Just need a way to sort of forget all of this ever happened, but it is pressing me every day! And again, I don't even know how much of this was just looking. I feel like crap. I don't want to live with this every day!

[Musicman]

Just need a way to sort of forget all of this ever happened, but it is pressing me every day! And again, I don't even know how much of this was just looking. I feel like crap. I don't want to live with this every day!

So let me get this straight: You're asking for a way to forget something that may have never even happened? Let's take a step back.

SR, the two of us (and I'm sure MANY others) struggle with the same anxiety problems. The thing is that we are guilty of fixating on an action (or in your case, a hypothetical action) to the point it drives us insane. The only advice I've been offered, which I admit isn't very helpful, is to consider WHY I'm fixated on these. The idea is that freaking out about a possible future scenario is useless because that anxiety won't change the outcome. Much can be said of past scenarios also. Becoming extremely anxious and cotastrophizing won't change the past. It's easier said than done, but it's the simple truth.

How much exactly do you still believe that you actually used the images? Think about it as the US Court of Law. You are innocent until proven guilty. Guess what. You have NO proof. So you went to the sites? Do you even know that you had a sexual mindset when you were browsing the images? If not, I'd hardly say you did anything wrong. So you become aroused by the two boys whom you deeply love? I think we've all made cases here that arousal can be triggered by an incredible number of actions, thoughts, emotions, etc. The mere fact that you love them so much is almost certainly triggering your arousal, not some hidden desire to have sex with them, and not because you've screwed up your biology.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

So far, forgetting doesn't seem to work very well.

There's an alternative, though. Instead of forgetting that you somehow didn't live up to your standards, you could question your standards. They are apparently higher than the law and other peoples', so maybe they are so high you have trouble combining them with humanity.

[soregretful]

Things are getting serious. We are close to marriage and it is ideally what we both want and I know that I can become aroused with images of women. The funny thing is some of the things I feel bad about didn't work. It was stupid to try, but it makes me feel a little better. I do not know what to do. I am not saying that I should get married just because I caught a garter and she got the bouquet but it seems like a sign I have been praying for. I was told to just think of it like a movie...I have seen murder in movies...why don't I feel bad about that? So why should I feel bad about the chippendiddys if they didn't get me aroused? Should I go for it? With that on my mind? If u watch the chippendiddys video u may not even find it that bad. Speedos are not even that bad either...most of the world wears them.and I am confident I can become stimulated by pictures of women. So what now? Thoughts? Thanks guys. This is a big decision....the love is there and it is the rest of my life at stake.

[Sissagwaad]

I'm thinking you're embracing more useful quality ideas, and experiencing the natural result. Congrats. It, how anyone experiences anything, is up to the individual. Learning of ones empowerment and freedom in affecting this personally, leads to amazing results. hugs.....keep us posted

[Musicman]

Correct me if I'm wrong SR, but it sounds like you're in a MUCH better situation then you were just a few months ago. You came on here a train wreck, and you now sound more confident than I've ever seen you. So congratulations!

Marriage is sticky business, but I'm not going to bore you with something you already know. The point is that you deeply love her and she deeply loves you and you'd both like to start a family together. To me, that sounds like the roots of a successful marriage. You want my advice? Go for it!

[Sissagwaad]

yes, a new adventure, and lots of new stuff to continue to learn and to grow from.

[hatemeds]

Hey brother - been away for some time havin crashed pretty bad but so good to see you in a much better place - in fact bRILLIANT dude! I say go for it but like MM im inclined more to your WANTING marriage than needin it - for some reason little warnin bells go off in my head when i hear NEED.

Strength brother.

****

[soregretful]

Trying to just be happy for my self. Don't want to live every day thinking about this. It is constant. I have a date of proposal in mind, but I don't want this to be there by the time it comes around.

[Musicman]

Trying to just be happy for my self. Don't want to live every day thinking about this. It is constant. I have a date of proposal in mind, but I don't want this to be there by the time it comes around.

SR, what did you think of the message I sent you a few days ago?

[soregretful]

I think it was an ideal situation. I mean, I don't know how to not think about this. I wish I were. The sad thing is that this is my first serious relationship and if it weren't for this, which happened so long ago, I would be loving it. I mean, seriously, this happened at least 12-14 years ago. And now it is back with teeth. Maybe too many sad things came along at once? I don't know. Even just last year I was happy and normal. Not even one freaking year ago. Last year I went on vacation with the boys and their family and I was loving life. I really don't know what the heck happened. I would like to marry this girl, and have children, but not knowing that this will be on my mind. I can'd be up at the altar thinking Speedo this, Speedo that, etc. I think a lot of it was just guilt from looking. I can not for the life of me figure out why I even know about these things. I miss my old life. Just last year, not even a year ago, I loved who I was. August 24, 2010 hits and my life starts to turn into complete crap. What happened? I have put on about 50 pounds in 6 months, and am very unhappy. I used to be running around with the boys all the time, swimming, wrestling, etc. I never went to bed in the middle of the day, and now, that is all I do. The only way I win in this is to have either never have done what I did or to find some miracle way that I never think of this ever again like hypnosis or one of those little clicker things from Men in Black. That is the only way I come out of this happy. I am old, fat, and no fun anymore. Just last year I used to be the guy everyone wanted to be around and was 50 pounds lighter. I had the love and affection of the boys and actually looked forward to each day. Now all I am thinking is about Speedo Boys, Chippendiddys, and disgusting stories. And for the life of me I can not figure out how I made it that far without thinking about it. I seem to remember this being at my parents house when I was a teenager. Never once thought about it. I was even told that it may have been about 1997 by a family member that says he came across it on the computer. The crappy thing is nothing was pornographic at all...the stories were in bad taste though. The only things I look at to get aroused are adults....I promise that....never saw any CP at all!

[Musicman]

I think it was an ideal situation. I mean, I don't know how to not think about this. I wish I were. The sad thing is that this is my first serious relationship and if it weren't for this, which happened so long ago, I would be loving it. I mean, seriously, this happened at least 12-14 years ago. And now it is back with teeth. Maybe too many sad things came along at once? I don't know. Even just last year I was happy and normal. Not even one freaking year ago. Last year I went on vacation with the boys and their family and I was loving life. I really don't know what the heck happened. I would like to marry this girl, and have children, but not knowing that this will be on my mind. I can'd be up at the altar thinking Speedo this, Speedo that, etc. I think a lot of it was just guilt from looking. I can not for the life of me figure out why I even know about these things. I miss my old life. Just last year, not even a year ago, I loved who I was. August 24, 2010 hits and my life starts to turn into complete crap. What happened? I have put on about 50 pounds in 6 months, and am very unhappy. I used to be running around with the boys all the time, swimming, wrestling, etc. I never went to bed in the middle of the day, and now, that is all I do. The only way I win in this is to have either never have done what I did or to find some miracle way that I never think of this ever again like hypnosis or one of those little clicker things from Men in Black. That is the only way I come out of this happy. I am old, fat, and no fun anymore. Just last year I used to be the guy everyone wanted to be around and was 50 pounds lighter. I had the love and affection of the boys and actually looked forward to each day. Now all I am thinking is about Speedo Boys, Chippendiddys, and disgusting stories. And for the life of me I can not figure out how I made it that far without thinking about it. I seem to remember this being at my parents house when I was a teenager. Never once thought about it. I was even told that it may have been about 1997 by a family member that says he came across it on the computer. The crappy thing is nothing was pornographic at all...the stories were in bad taste though. The only things I look at to get aroused are adults....I promise that....never saw any CP at all!

That didn't so much answer my question. I shoved a lot of advice into my last PM because I knew you were feeling even worse about your situation. Surely something in that message had to have been helpful.

It sounds like you've backtracked a bit. You just don't sound as well as you did a week ago. 50 pounds in 6 months is extremely dangerous. I know it's because of your depression, but you're slowly killing yourself. SR, do you feel better when you come on here and talk to people? Would you ever like to chat?

[soregretful]

I called the suicide hotline today and the lady with which I spoke said this has to have happened before. This sounds like just hypothetical talk to me. I don't know what else to do. She said to let it go. That is what everyone tells me...but I DON'T KNOW HOW to do that. It is all I ever think about. God knows I would never hurt a child....I teach them and am really good at it. She also said that I know why I am hanging onto it. That made little sense to me...I have no clue why I am hanging onto it. I have no clue why I can't get this out of my head. I wish I did. I just don't want to be thinking about this the rest of my lfe. Yeah....I know who the Chippendiddys are....and it turns out they don't arouse me. I feel bad just knowing about them and about some stories that are out there. I even filled out a form to stop pedophilic stories from being told. Under the first amendment, they are freedom of speech. I think that is ridiculous. Stories are just as bad as pictures in my opinion, and all I do is sit here and question why I know about them. I feel just as bad about this as I do the pictures, which really, as it turns out, do not arouse me at all. I should not have tried probably, but I thought it was important to know. It looks more like I feel bad just knowing about them.

[Musicman]

SR, I must insist that if you had to resort to the suicide hotline, you MUST TELL SOMEONE AND/OR CHECK YOURSELF INTO A HOSPITAL!!! It's just not worth your life. If you think you may kill yourself, what's the harm in telling your girlfriend? She'll probably be less hurt if you told her this than she would be if she just got a call that you were dead. Think about your parents! They'd never forgive themselves for not helping you. They worry about you and would be DEVASTATED if you took your own life.

It doesn't sound like you're safe, and you MUST do something to change that. I also strongly recommend you start a thread in the Urgent Need section if you are still experiencing these thoughts.

It's not worth your life. Don't make the biggest mistake you've ever made. I can ensure you that suicide would be a MUCH larger mistake than having ever viewed that material in the first place.

[soregretful]

OK....I told her!!!!! And guess what...she says she forgives me and it isn't so much about who I was but who I am now. She totally forgave me. I think that this is a lot off of my mind. I can't change the past, but now that she knows and accepts me for it, I think that is God's way of saying go for it!! She totally forgave me!!!!!! I think I actually feel a little bit of real happiness. I think that is what love is all about....knowing someone's flaws and accepting them anyhow. I will be asking her to marry me for sure now. The only thing I am a little concerned about is that my man parts won't work right considering what happened with the boys. This will all be erased if we can have the family we want and I will feel God's forgiveness if I can look into the eyes of my own baby boy or girl and know that such a wonderful thing can come out of such a bad thing. I told her thinking she would leave me, but she wants to stay. If we can just have a baby and be the parents we want to be, I will be so happy!!!!! I love my girlfriend so much!!! :)

[Musicman]

SR, that's the most wonderful news I've heard in a long time ! I'm so happy for you! Yes, you're entirely right about that being what love is. Love is someone who can remain close to you despite past or present flaws. Ask her to marry you and start the family you've wanted so badly :D! This just goes to show that there's hope yet for all of us on here.

[soregretful]

SR, that's the most wonderful news I've heard in a long time ! I'm so happy for you! Yes, you're entirely right about that being what love is. Love is someone who can remain close to you despite past or present flaws. Ask her to marry you and start the family you've wanted so badly :D! This just goes to show that there's hope yet for all of us on here.

I think I am going to go for it! Nothing is a secret anymore and anyone who would still have me after that is someone I want in my life! I am just crossing my fingers about the intimacy though. By this time next year I hope I can tell you more about my wife and our child(ren). Maybe we will have twins if God is willing...who knows. I am a twin myself!