What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[soregretful]

The beliefs which fuel our actions are accessible, addressable, changeable, or keepable. Fascilitating discovering this for oneself, is in my mind the primary purpose and role of a therapist

I do not know what kind of beliefs would make doing what I did an appropriate choice under any circumstance! And I have told everyone that I love what I did and they are understanding and say I am obsessing. I would not obsess if it weren't such a pedophilic thing that I did. About normal things, sure, I wouldn't obsess. About this....yeah!

[Sissagwaad]

I do not know what kind of beliefs would make doing what I did an appropriate choice under any circumstance! And I have told everyone that I love what I did and they are understanding and say I am obsessing. I would not obsess if it weren't such a pedophilic thing that I did. About normal things, sure, I wouldn't obsess. About this....yeah!

i'm not suggesting coming to believe doing anything is appropriate or inappropriate.

That is all about judgement. i'm referring to beliefs one might choose to have, or continue with, about what to do about anything......as in 'self-punishment,' beliefs about propriety as to consequences, etc......this to me is the area you might find useful to explore with a mentor of sorts........

ps does or is obsessing, because you believe what you did was such a pedophilic thing, helping?

What avenues are you exploring or practicing towards doing something else with your precious moments?

[soregretful]

The way the question is asked implies that I am choosing to obsess. I am definitely not. No way! This is not something I am choosing to think about all the time....it is just there. I am just having a hard time with why the heck I went there in the first place. That is what is pissing me off....WHY? What benefit could I have thought would have come from this? I have made a lot of progress in telling everyone, especially my girlfriend, but the one who is still having a problem coming to terms with this is me. What I looked at, or did or didn't do, is NEVER going to be an acceptable thing in my book. The thing is it all stems from speedos, that I am sure of. I happened on a pedophilic story because it contained speedos. If you typed speedo stories into a search engine, you would find it too. I just don't understand why I ever typed that in. That is what drives me insane.....why did I ever type that? I just wish that my parents had bought me the damn Speedo when I was little....I may not be here now if they had.

[Sissagwaad]

The way the question is asked implies that I am choosing to obsess. I am definitely not. No way! This is not something I am choosing to think about all the time....it is just there. I am just having a hard time with why the heck I went there in the first place. That is what is pissing me off....WHY? What benefit could I have thought would have come from this?

You admit you are obsessing, yes?

Is something or someone 'out there' insisting or making you obsess?

You're obsessed with 'why' you did,....... instead of obsessing about how you can, accept whatever you've done or not done, forgive, and go onward. Which activity or pursuit is more useful or important, and WHY?

[Musicman]

SR, I'm going to say something now, but I'm really depressed and triggered and my head is spinning, so what I'm going to say may not sit too well with you, and I very well may regret having said this later. Anyway, if you strongly disagree, don't make too much out of it.

Does the fact that someone is a pedophile make them a bad person? What if this person loves children too much to even view CP or molest a child? Day after day, night after night, his urges are eating away at him. Is he bad for having viewed legal pictures of children that were intended to be harmless? He doesn't want to be a pedophile, and didn't choose to do so.

No, I'm not calling you a pedophile because you're obviously not one. By definition, if you are not attracted to children, you are not one. So you viewed some pictures that were intended to be harmless. Does that mean that what you did is evil? So you know that these sites exist! Does that make you any less of a decent human being? I've said it to you over and over again, and I'll say it once more. You aren't a bad person. Perhaps my views are a little different than when we started talking half a year ago. Perhaps they're just really distorted right now because I'm really out of it at the moment and I don't know what to believe. I myself don't know the answer to most of these questions. You aren't a bad person, and I don't even really consider what you did bad.

I'm sorry if this post was offensive or incoherent. I think I'm in just about the worst shape I've ever been in.

[Sissagwaad]

ps. you state

This is not something I am choosing to think about all the time....it is just there.

What do you mean, really, 'it is just there?'

It is virtually not anywhere, non-existant, until we think, or reflect on anything.

You have at your disposal one of the most exsquisite computers ever created, all you have to do is learn to utilize it better. Are you willing, open, and completely dedicated to learning how to use yours more effectively?

Be the student, and learn your ability to control your focus and attention in the pursuit of loving and appreciating the gift that you are. hugs

[soregretful]

I mean, when I wake up, go to bed, etc., all I have in my brain is Chippendiddys and some other pedophilic-like websites. I don't want them there and I don't know how to move them or redirect them. I don't know!! I am so pissed off that I put them there!!!! Me! I can't believe it!

[SweetSue]

Hi soregretful

Im sorry you are still struggling with re-directing your thoughts hun

Hows your therapy going, is it helping you any ?

Try not to be pissed off at yourself, all that does is add to your hurt. I know its easier said than done.

I hope that your day is kind to you

Take care

[soregretful]

Hi Sue,

I guess therapy is OK....they are saying something brought this out. I know it was a while ago.....I think that my feelings of loss caused this. The boys growing up and my grandma dying together just hit me hard I guess. I don't know. What is so weird is that my brother says he remembers catching this stuff on the computer in like 1997......so maybe something did trigger it off. I guess maybe I can forgive a stupid kid, but I just don't know why 14 years of memories would just come back to kill me. So strange! It is very hard not to get mad at myself because I went on these sites, no matter when...I went on them. No one else made me...I did. I can kind of figure out what got me there....the speedo fetish or whatever it is....in fact, I can link to all of those sites from just typing in Speedo on a search. Why I was so interested in them is beyond me? I just know I wanted one as a kid and didn't get one. At 16 I bought one and I don't know what the fascination was but I always liked them. I think maybe they keep me young? I don't know. Bottom line is I can't figure out why I was so into them. I think I may be more mad about looking. Thing is that neither the Chippendiddys nor the pictures themselves are pornographic. And I don't even know if I used them or just looked at them. I don't get it! I am hoping time kills all of this and there will come a day where I don't even remember it anymore. I have a girlfriend who wants to marry me and have children, but I am not sure what to do with that. Is love strong enough to beat all of this? I think that the boys growing up is a big part of this and I feel like the only way to replace that is with a family of my own. It is like I just lost so many people who love me and I think that may have pushed me over the edge.

[Sissagwaad]

Hi Sue,

I guess therapy is OK....they are saying something brought this out. I know it was a while ago.....I think that my feelings of loss caused this. The boys growing up and my grandma dying together just hit me hard I guess. I don't know. What do you mean 'you don't know? you don't know what to believe? what would happen if you just accepted this, and yourself?

What is so weird is that my brother says he remembers catching this stuff on the computer in like 1997......so maybe something did trigger it off. I guess maybe I can forgive a stupid kid, but I just don't know why 14 years of memories would just come back to kill me. So strange! It is very hard not to get mad at myself because I went on these sites, no matter when...Does it help????getting mad at yourself?

I went on them. No one else made me...I did. I can kind of figure out what got me there....the speedo fetish or whatever it is....in fact, I can link to all of those sites from just typing in Speedo on a search. Why I was so interested in them is beyond me? So what? You were curious, it had an attraction, so what? Did you or didn't you learn something about your gift of freedom/responsibleness, as a result?

I just know I wanted one as a kid and didn't get one. At 16 I bought one and I don't know what the fascination was but I always liked them. I think maybe they keep me young? I don't know. Bottom line is I can't figure out why I was so into them. Again, So what? I think I may be more mad about looking. Again, does it help, getting yourself mad and upset with yourself? Thing is that neither the Chippendiddys nor the pictures themselves are pornographic. And I don't even know if I used them or just looked at them. I don't get it! What? that you've been giving yourself such a difficult time? The time you've spent castigating yourself, when will it be sufficient in your judgement?

I am hoping time kills all of this and there will come a day where I don't even remember it anymore. Giving yourself a chance SR, it most certainly will happen.....getting more busy with all your living in the moment.

I have a girlfriend who wants to marry me and have children, but I am not sure what to do with that. """What do you want?"""

Go for it....and it is yours"

Is love strong enough to beat all of this? I think that the boys growing up is a big part of this and I feel like the only way to replace that is with a family of my own. It is not the ONLY way, but a useful avenue to pursue yes, given your desires for this experience. It is like I just lost so many people who love me and I think that may have pushed me over the edge.

It is all about learning, this opportunity we have with this human-trip.

Learning one does have the power to choose their focus, and the emotional experience that corresponds to that choice.

It is a most liberating discovery my friend(s)

[soregretful]

There is a good chance that I never touched myself.....it doesn't work. However I still hate that the website addresses are in my head all day. I just wish I could forget them. When I called the suicide hotline the operator told me she had received calls like that before. So how did people get over this? I am also upset about the story I happened upon. I think pedophilic fiction should be illegal but it is a violationof the first amendment apparently. How do people that write stories about children being sexually active sleep at night? So u see nothing was illegal but it nonetheless is so damaging. All of these things I found by speedo related searches.so how do I get the addresses to just disappear? I am on luvox and orap for ocd. Anyone know about these drugs? What are they supposed to do? How long does this take? I have everyone in my corner but me.I don't like the guilt exists to make sure we don't do it agin argument....its like if I cut off my finger...I can't get it back. I want nifty.org shut down too. I hate that site. I can't enjoy the present because of my past and I have an 11 year old boy who misses the old me. I do too.

[Sissagwaad]

as to your question about the drugs you are on, have you not researched them online? There are sites galore with reviews that while all over the map, do give a general idea as to what they do to one.

What, if anything, are you interested in enough to Do active study or do research on?

[soregretful]

I have done the research, it's just that I am unclear on how these are going to work on me. I can't erase the past....I read these stories and I did see these pictures, but I can't be sure whether I used them or not. It's not like there is a mind eraser drug. Really, I don't know how they are going to keep me from obsessing. The weird thing is this was what I thought was ancient history. The moment I lose the loved ones and start dating is when it comes to get me....any significance in that? The best I can figure, happened in the late 1990s. The website, now defunct, says as much. It was only up until the late 1990s. What happened? Did I just have a complete nervous breakdown? There are people out there that have abused children that sleep fine every night...I don't get it. I didn't look at any material that was illegal, but if I have any energy, I will fight to shut down sites with these stories. That crap is ridiculous. The crummy thing is I have read books where there is murder. That is fiction too. Stories about sexually active children should be illegal, even though they never happened, but then, I guess stories about murder would have to be too....sorry Steven King! That is what really irritates me...stories are distasteful, but I read a murder mystery and when someone gets offed, I sluff the murder right off. What gives? I think murder is the worst offense, definitely, so why can I read about it like nothing is wrong with it, but when I read those other stories about children having sex, completely unintentionally, it bothers me so much more? I don't get it. Maybe my standards are too high, but at the same time, I really don't think it is in a normal person's realm to go and read stories about kids having sex. Or it needs some type of passwords or something. I feel like I can only feel better if I don't know anything about it, which can't happen. I have those things on my mind all the time! I can not enjoy a single moment of my life because those things are on my mind! Technically not one of them is illegal, but can you imagine the reaction of a parent who found out their child's teacher had read this? This was before I even became a teacher....maybe I chalked it up to being a stupid kid, but now it's unexcusable! I feel like the only way I will ever be happy again is to know nothing about the things that I do. Damnit!:mad:

[Musicman]

I don't like the guilt exists to make sure we don't do it agin argument....its like if I cut off my finger...I can't get it back.

Perhaps the argument isn't correct, but if guilt is not for prevention, then what IS it for? It certainly does a great job at preventing one from repeating mistakes. I don't quite understand that finger reference...

Also, you may want to go back and edit the address of the speedo site out of your posts. Some people may be triggered by it... I'd probably be one of those if I'd allow myself to visit those sites.

On a MUCH lighter note, you like Steven King? I'm a fan...

[Sissagwaad]

SR:>"I have done the research, it's just that I am unclear on how these are going to work on me."

Done THE research??? 'how these??? are going to work on me????

Research is ongoing. Experimenting on people with drugs, calling it therapy, is quite questionable, if one 'does' the research.....(ie keeps on looking at and discerning the justifications, and results and ramifications)

At best 'they' are best used sparingly only as a temporary crutch, to provide mobility in examining the quality of thoughts one is keeping company with.

'They' won't cure you, i don't believe. Only the individual can do that for themselves, and it happens when one comes to assuming greater responsibility. This is where effective counselling or mentoring plays a huge role in fascilitating an individual to motivate themselves to do exactly that.

To expect that 'they' will do it for you, I suggest is irresponsible and reckless.

[JaiJai]

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[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I agree that most people won't read those stories. I don't quite understand when you read them, cause from my perspective it looks like you read them just now when you went back to check how those sites affect you. In that case I have trouble understanding how those stories are relevant to your situation.

For a teacher, you find knowledge extremely dangerous. You'll have to forgive yourself for knowing things you'd rather not know.

I don't know what effect your medication should have, but I'm sure you can ask your doctor about it. Take care.

[soregretful]

For someone who takes minimal accountability for 'accidently' coming across quasi-child porn sites, you sure are eager to throw around the addresses for everyone else. hunh. weird hey?

have u ever wondered what u would do if u came upon your own image in some 'vintage' kiddie shots? Or hell, even your own pic as an adult? I doubt there is a thing you could do about it.

Jai, I am just blogging my feelings. I am not trying to get anyone else to go check them out. I understand what you mean though...why put temptation out there for anyone else? As for the second part of your statement, you are right....I feel horrible. I could have looked at a picture of me, my students, anyone. There was nothing illegal though, which I stand by. And I am not taking minimal responsibility, I went looking for speedo stories, but I never thought a child one would come up. It's not like I typed in erotic stories about children. I think I feel worse about the stories! I feel really bad now. This is no way to live life. I can't go through the rest of my years like this. I thought I made some progress, but there is no way to feel good about myself anymore.

[Musicman]

Sr, with all do respect, Jai Jai's approach isn't the one to take. It's what you already know and feel bad about. Accepting that approach with serve no other purpose than to make you feel worse. I've heard very similar responses aimed at me (for obvious reasons,) but you mustn't allow yourself to become absorbed in them. Yes, if I suffered from the abuse, I'd be mortified. If I saw the videos years later, I'd probably kill myself if I hadn't already. But there's a reason that you're here. You felt it was wrong and decided you needed help to ignore that guilt. The fact is that you are on a website with the word "help" in the URL, and that's exactly why you're here. Being told to imagine yourself in the circumstance you're trying to avoid isn't going to help.

However, she is right (and I asked you to do this last night) about you needing to remove the URLs you posted in your previous message. They're likely very triggering to some people, and I'd probably be triggered myself if I allowed myself to browse one of those sites.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

You did make some progress, sr. Maybe it's not as fast as you expect, but to me you appear calmer and more in a position to work on things than before. You seem to consider things more actively now. And you probably wouldn't call that progress, but you even shifted what exactly you feel guilty about a bit. I still don't understand when those stories came in, but that means things are flexible and when they are flexible, they can get better.

You also opened up to important people in your life, so that you can ask for emotional support. I'm sorry you don't feel good about yourself now and I hope you feel better soon. Take care.

[soregretful]

The thing that irritates me more than anything is you ask any adult, hey, is reading stories about kids in this matter a good thing to do? Uh 100% are gonna say no. So why didn't I have any common sense! THe best I can figure, this was in my teens, but my brain is holding onto it like it was yesterday. That is why I can tell you all the addresses. I am not going on them at all, but I know they are there. That is what really gets my goat. COMMON SENSE!!!!! Why didn't I have any? Why do I even know these sites are there? I could just die!! This sucks so much! Why did I not pick what I knew was a better road? I know all of this is tied to speedos, but I didn't have to read anything. AUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!! Only about 50 more years of this to live through! And JaiJai, I did not look at any child porn if that is what you are insinuating. I have seen a picture of me in a Speedo...didn't do anything for me!

[IrmaJean]

Try to calm yourself, SR. I think when your anxiety gets going like this, it only heightens everything that much more.

Maybe take a walk or do something relaxing.

[soregretful]

For someone who takes minimal accountability for 'accidently' coming across quasi-child porn sites, you sure are eager to throw around the addresses for everyone else. hunh. weird hey?

have u ever wondered what u would do if u came upon your own image in some 'vintage' kiddie shots? Or hell, even your own pic as an adult? I doubt there is a thing you could do about it.

Please don't post on my blog if you aren't going to say anything helpful! Thanks!

[SweetSue]

Hi soregretful

Im sorry that 'THAT' post has hurt you hun. And you have every right to ask JaiJai not to post on your thread.

But try not to allow one persons view point under value all the good work you have done.

You have tried so hard, to move forward from this.

Oh, thanks for telling us how therapy was going for you.

Im sorry my words getting mudled lately - i hope what Ive posted makes sense :confused:

maybe you could try a little distraction until your hurt lessens a little ?

Take care

[JaiJai]

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