What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[soregretful]

That is the thing, Irma,

This stuff doesn't enter and exit my mind....it is always there. It's like it never goes away. Please God, just take me home...or send me to hell if I deserve it, whatever. I can not live like this anymore.

[Sissagwaad]

That is the thing, Irma,

This stuff doesn't enter and exit my mind....it is always there. It's like it never goes away. Please God, just take me home...or send me to hell if I deserve it, whatever. I can not live like this anymore.

The fact of the matter is this SR.

You don't have to live like you've been living recently.

Each day is a new life for a wise person.

Will you choose to be a wise person, or continue to play at being a dumbie?

I say 'play at being dumbie' because you are not a dumbie.

You've been to school. You know what that is like.

This is the school of life you're in. It is this school you chose to make your livelihood preparing your students for.

Is not a big part of your role as teacher, to inspire your students with the love of learning? To be open to learning, etc?

How come you're not walking the talk so to speak?

[soregretful]

Sissa,

That is what I mean though...no ONE person would want their mate to have looked at the crap I looked at....maybe pleasured myself to. NO ONE!!! So, you know what, no one really needs to answer because I already know what the answer is. Today is the last day of school.....I think it may be the last time for a lot of things. I wish there were some other way out of this, but living with the Chippendiddys on my mind forever is NOT an option. There is no happiness there at all.

[Sissagwaad]

honestly SR?

That is what I mean though...no ONE person would want their mate to have looked at the crap I looked at....maybe pleasured myself to. NO ONE!!!

I don't think anyone much can understand why the need, to PRETEND, arrogantly, depreciably, to know what others think.

You have taken yourself to a quite silly place of adamently believing, that other people think, or will think, as unforgivingly as you have chosen to think, and to make themselves sick about nothing, as you have.

This is really no ones business but your own. How you are thinking and feeling is only about you.

If you are not willing, and refuse to do the actual work on yourself, with yourself, about the way you are thinking, then GET HELP, with learning to do this for yourself. That is what therapy is about.

[SweetSue]

Hi soregretful,

People here have been kind enough to offer you many suggestions, to help try and cope with how you are feeling.

And, well I am curious, have you actually done or tried anything, to help yourself ?

I am sorry if this sounds harsh or in anyway unsupportive of your needs, as I do not intend to be or sound that way.

Its just that you seem to be stuck, and well you will stay being stuck, unless you reach out for help, and whilst reaching out for that help, you need to be trying to help yourself.

You say " I wish I knew what kind of help I needed "

Maybe you feel you do not have the answer to that question, yet deep down I suspect that you do - you are just too scared to take that next step along your path.

Take care

[Musicman]

Sissa,

That is what I mean though...no ONE person would want their mate to have looked at the crap I looked at....maybe pleasured myself to. NO ONE!!! So, you know what, no one really needs to answer because I already know what the answer is. Today is the last day of school.....I think it may be the last time for a lot of things. I wish there were some other way out of this, but living with the Chippendiddys on my mind forever is NOT an option. There is no happiness there at all.

It's true, no one would want their spouse to have looked at this material. That doesn't mean that no one would would WANT a spouse who'd looked at the material. You see what I'm saying? If your girlfriend only had this one aspect of your life to judge you on, she wouldn't want to be with you. But she has so much reason to love you. There's so much more to you than "The guy who looked at Chippendiddys."

SR, are you feeling safe? Please, tell your therapist or check yourself into a hospital if you think you may harm yourself.

[soregretful]

You know who I told all of this today....the boy's mother. I think it is so freaking awesome that she stands by me. I told her that it could have been one of her kids and she says it wasn't. She also says that she doesn't regret having let me sleep with them, etc. So no more about boundaries. All I need is a good way to beat the guilt.

[Musicman]

Congratulations SR! That took a lot of guts to do. I'm really happy for you. Slowly but surely, I think you can really overcome all of this.

Great job!

[Sissagwaad]

Congratulations SR! That took a lot of guts to do. I'm really happy for you. Slowly but surely, I think you can really overcome all of this.

Great job!

i congratulate you as well, for taking a bold step towards dissolving the fears which have been holding you back from enjoying your 'present.'

[SweetSue]

Hi soregretful

I'm really pleased for you, that was such a brave step forward to take

[soregretful]

So, now she knows.....but how does that make me feel any better? I don't. She suggested trying to get intimate with my girlfriend and maybe that would make me forget about it....not sure. Even if I was able to have a kid at this point, I can't say I would be completely happy. She is a good friend and says that the boys need me, but at the same token, she also says not everyone would think this way without understanding the whole story....that is what bothers me.

[Musicman]

So, now she knows.....but how does that make me feel any better? I don't. She suggested trying to get intimate with my girlfriend and maybe that would make me forget about it....not sure. Even if I was able to have a kid at this point, I can't say I would be completely happy. She is a good friend and says that the boys need me, but at the same token, she also says not everyone would think this way without understanding the whole story....that is what bothers me.

SR, she's correct when she says that not everyone would understand without knowing the full story. Without the rest of your story, you'd have no good in you. That's what I've been preaching to you since I first started talking with you months ago. People are judgmental monsters. If they hear one bad thing about a person whom they've never met, they assume that the person is evil. Because the boys' mother knew you were a good hearted person, she was able to look past the fact that you made a mistake years ago.

I think it's time you become intimate with your girlfriend. It would make you feel better and would strengthen your bond .

I can't believe that you say you don't feel ANY better. You told her for a reason. You didn't just decide "I'm going to tell her for the sake of telling her." You were expecting something out of it. Furthermore, you referred to her response as "freaking awesome." If that's not a sign of (at least momentary) happiness, then I don't know what is.

SR, I'm really pleased that you got such a good response from the boys' mother. Since you first mentioned them, you've been scared that if their mother knew what you did, you'd never be allowed to see them again. But look! How often can you be glad that you were wrong?!

I'm sure that if you stick with it, everything will find a way of working itself out.

[soregretful]

Well,

Summer is here.....lots of time to think....I don't think I am going to be able to do this day in and day out. I can't even think of anything else. This thought will not leave my mind. Psychiatrist says to just focus on living life....living life with this crap on my mind is not an option. I don't know what to do and am more afraid than ever as to what might happen. The boys' mom even knows. She suggested being intimate. She says her boys need me. I can't even be around people without feeling guilty.

[SweetSue]

Hi so regretful

I'm sorry that this guilt is weighing so heavily in your mind and upon your shoulders

Have you tried reading about how you can learn to lessen the feeling ?

A couple of books you could try are :-

Good-Bye to Guilt : Releasing Fear Through Forgiveness. By Gerald G. Jampolsky.

Shame and Guilt : Masters of Disguise. By Jane Midleton-Moz

Just a thought

Take care

[Sissagwaad]

Yes indeed

There are countless lights available to SR, if 'learn' any 'new tricks,' he is truly interested and committed to discovering for himself.

However, as is so often the case, human nature tends to resist change, usually because of some aspect of fear......and so, one continues, doing what one has always done in the past, until, ???? until one has had enough, and is committed to changing their held vision/interpretation/judgement.

It is entirely up to SR, whether or not to choose to change, or to not, (how he is experiencing his 'present.'

[soregretful]

Sissa,

This is what I do not get....you say that I am resistant to change. Do you think that I want to stay miserable? Do you think I enjoy feeling crummy day after day? I am TRYING to have fun. I think I am probably the only teacher that knows who the Chippendiddys are. I just don't get it when people say I am beating myself up....why would I not? It's like....Oh yeah, I love kicking my own ass. Are you serious? I am going to have this on my mind the rest of my life. Would that make you happy? Someone please explain to me why what I did wasn't so bad, and number two, why I shouldn't just want to die every day. I mean, go look up the links people....would you want this crap on your mind every day for the rest of your life? I don't get what people are telling me....how I am doing myself, etc. What the heck does that even mean?

[SweetSue]

Hey soregretful,

Please dont be angry toward people that are only trying to help you. It is not very nice

As a teacher you should know, that we all make mistakes, that is part of how we learn. Once the lesson has been learnt, we move forward from the mistake taking with us new knowledge.

Why are you so eager for others to view the same material that has given you this guilt ?

Would that, not then make us feel terrible guilt for viewing it also ?

Each of us have our own problems and difficulties, and are trying to help each other. Please try and be a little more considerate to others. And talk in a manner in which you yourself would like to be spoken to, respectfully.

I am sorry you are hurting, and I realise how frustrating it is to be in such turmoil, please you need to start trying to use some of the advice people here have kindly offered you.

Take care

[hatemeds]

Sweet Sue

You couldnt have put it better or more politely.

SR people have been bendin over backwards to try and help you brother and quite frankly I think a lot of people have had enough because you just lash out at them and distort what they are tryin to say - go back on your thread brother - you either ignore the positive constructive comnments, get angry or threaten suicide time and time again- hell man you really do give people the impression that you are intent on provin yourself gulity - Allan is 100% spot on!!!!!!!!

" I just don't get it when people say I am beating myself up....why would I not? It's like....Oh yeah, I love kicking my own ass. Are you serious? I am going to have this on my mind the rest of my life. Would that make you happy? Someone please explain to me why what I did wasn't so bad, and number two, why I shouldn't just want to die every day."

Okay so you dont agree when people tell you to forgive yourself and work on stoppin the negative self talk, you get angry with Sissa who has stood by you faithfully throughout your thread and had nothin but positive comments for you. Okay brother how about a bit of reverse psychology then - seein you're so insistent that that is what people should be thinkin:

Go ahead brother and feel guilty - carry on talkin on and on negatively about it cos it's really got you far hasnt it? You wanna die, you wanna feel guilty - be my guest but dont be slaggin people off because they are tryin to help you brother - cos if you dont like the advice you can just choose not to come back, its that simple - instead of using this forum to perpetuate/exacerbate your obssessin thought patterns - because like or not brother, its becomin more and more obvious to everyone (but they will be a bit more delicate than me - sadly im not given to delicacy) that that is what you're doin.

****

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I don't find the negativitiy of that previous post helpful. And I still understand why Sissas comments can make people angry. If you think I changed my mind about this during the past two hundred times the same message was posted.. I didn't.

I'm a firm believer in the concept that I don't have to react to the same thing in the same way every time. I reacted once... just assume until further notice that will be my opinion about it. This is a useful approach to things that SR could possibly benefit from, because he too has already reacted to the message. That it is repeated doesn't mean you have to react again. You can choose different things to react to that might lead somewhere you haven't been before. At the moment you mainly react to things that feed your negative thought patterns and your feeling of not being understood, probably because those things look "more important". Thus, yes, be more dismissive of negativity and answers you already gave a lot of times.

That might allow you to be less dismissive about answering suggestions and get to a new place. If you don't comment on the suggestions on the other hand, nobody knows what you think about it and whether you've tried them. If people don't know what you've tried they can neither help you make it work, nor can they make better suggestions, and in the worst case it even backfires, when you replace one suggestion with another one without giving any of them enough time to work. It's why feedback is required.

Take care.

[Musicman]

SoO, I could not have said it any better myself. Spot on!

[Sissagwaad]

We can only hope SoO, that SR will at some point choose to wake himself up to considering 'doing' his critical version, of his life events differently, and thusly be open to fascilitating an improved emotional presentness.

However SR, you remain the ultimate boss of you.

No one tells you what to focus on presently, or how you choose to interpret yourself

or your past dalliances, (explorations,)

No one but you, 'makes' you have the quality of emotional experience you are consequently giving yourself, because of your held beliefs which support you in doing to yourself, what you alone are doing to yourself.

So? where does that put you?

It puts you in the drivers seat doesn't it?

To sit there, with hands on the wheel, clear road ahead, gutters on both sides, what are you going to do?

Are you going to cry you are trying, and whine incessantly, you just can't,

simply because once upon a time you steered into the ditch? Or,??

Hey, here's an idea, whatabout just going down the road, now that you know how to get out of the ditch, (was that so bad?) and just keep your hands on the wheel, (discerning as to the quality of thoughts, ideas, you are holding?)

[Sissagwaad]

We can only hope SoO, that SR will at some point choose to wake himself up to considering 'doing' his critical version, of his life events differently, and thusly be open to fascilitating an improved emotional presentness.

However SR, you remain the ultimate boss of you.

No one tells you what to focus on presently, or how you choose to interpret yourself

or your past dalliances, (explorations,)

No one but you, 'makes' you have the quality of emotional experience you are consequently giving yourself, because of your held beliefs which support you in doing to yourself, what you alone are doing to yourself.

So? where does that put you?

It puts you in the drivers seat doesn't it?

To sit there, with hands on the wheel, clear road ahead, gutters on both sides, what are you going to do?

Are you going to cry you are trying, and whine incessantly, you just can't,

simply because once upon a time you steered into the ditch? Or,??

Hey, here's an idea, whatabout just going down the road, now that you know how to get out of the ditch, (was that so bad?) and just keep your hands on the wheel, (discerning as to the quality of thoughts, ideas, you are holding?)

How, if at all, is it at all useful, to continue being focused on excuses?

with love and hugs...bw (be well, as choose to be, well)

[soregretful]

Why do I show you the sites? Not because I want you to feel guilty for having looked at them too, but because I have people saying I abused children and I am going as far as to show you what I am feeling guilty about. Hatemeds, I am not on here to rip into people's advice. What I am asking is the advice you are giving me......#1 not even discuss child abuse....I did not do that. #2....be understood by me. I don't get it when people say you are beating yourself up. I only am doing what I think I should be doing. For anyone to say that I shouldn't feel bad about this is puzzling to me, because I do. If you had looked at the Chippendiddys or Speedo kids, would you feel any better? I am not trying to make anyone guilty for looking, but I HATE that people are thinking that I abused children. That is something that if you think it, keep it to yourself, because I DID NOT do that. I am not trying to disrespect everyone, Sue and Hatemeds. I am just having a hard time understanding the advice you are giving me. Sissa has been a huge support, and Hatemeds, I don't agree with that you think I am not listening to him. It is just that the advice is so enigmatic. If you possibly pleasured yourself looking at internet sites that were not pornographic in any way, how would you feel? I don't even know why the heck I did it. If you see my comments as disrespectful, I am sorry, because they are just made out of puzzlement.

[soregretful]

Hey soregretful,

Please dont be angry toward people that are only trying to help you. It is not very nice

As a teacher you should know, that we all make mistakes, that is part of how we learn. Once the lesson has been learnt, we move forward from the mistake taking with us new knowledge.

Why are you so eager for others to view the same material that has given you this guilt ?

Would that, not then make us feel terrible guilt for viewing it also ?

Each of us have our own problems and difficulties, and are trying to help each other. Please try and be a little more considerate to others. And talk in a manner in which you yourself would like to be spoken to, respectfully.

I am sorry you are hurting, and I realise how frustrating it is to be in such turmoil, please you need to start trying to use some of the advice people here have kindly offered you.

Take care

Why would I be angry with someone that is trying to help me?

[Sissagwaad]

Why would I be angry with someone that is trying to help me?

Yah exactly.

why indeed be angry about anything? Does it help, really?

Does one ever experience happiness, joy, by being angry? What to do?

What about simply seeking to be more accepting?

SoR, here is something profound you wrote:

I only am doing what I think I should be doing

Wow Exactly so. You hit the nail on the head SR

The source of your suffering is because you think and believe you should be.

Something like an angry/discontent dog with 'your bone' and you seem to be reacting as if everyone is trying to take it away from you. And you, just won't stand for that presently, will you? (Give up your 'bone' of contention)