Musicman Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 I think I am going to go for it! Nothing is a secret anymore and anyone who would still have me after that is someone I want in my life! I am just crossing my fingers about the intimacy though. By this time next year I hope I can tell you more about my wife and our child(ren). Maybe we will have twins if God is willing...who knows. I am a twin myself!I bet you're feeling pretty good now, aren't you ? I really don't think you need to be "crossing [your] fingers about the intimacy." You've proven over and over to yourself that women arouse you. So far, everything's gone in your favor. There's no point in believing that intimacy won't, especially when you have so much evidence to believe it will . So good luck, my friend.Do you plan on sticking around here, or do you plan on leaving this community? It would be sad to see you go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 This sounds really good to me.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 Hi sr,I'm glad you talked to your girlfriend about this and found some relief. I hope it takes some of the pressure away, so that you can look at yourself in a more positive light, too. I think if you have the option to call your therapist, he will have a better understanding of your situation than someone from the suicide hotline. They will also offer help, but understandably they don't know as much about your situation. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted July 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 Well, I will be staying....I am not out of the woods yet. I have a little relief in opening up to my girlfriend, but this is still something I regret deeply. I just don't want it to be on my mind all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 Let this be a shining example for you SR, that indeed you do have the capacity/ability to 'let the past go,' and to cherrish with joy, your 'present.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted July 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 I can let go, but when will it not be on my mind? I am closer than ever to being where I want to be! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 I can let go, but when will it not be on my mind? I am closer than ever to being where I want to be!So just take a break. Reward yourself. You're doing better than anyone here has ever seen you. Just take a breath. And when you're ready, go the rest of the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 I can let go, but when will it not be on my mind? I am closer than ever to being where I want to be!Someone once suggested when one uses the word 'but' it serves to completely negate what went on before it. Therefore, Would it not be useful to leave the 'buts' out of it?What a strong message to send oneself, "I can let go"Isn't letting go, mean holding onto something else, mentally?Whether one holds onto a baseball, or a cantalope is a decision.(ones experience/sensation follows that choice)Another empowering statement you chose, (for yourself,) and I applaud, is "I am closer than ever to being, (emotionally, and therefore physically,) where I want to be."Wow, arn't you Awesome? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted July 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 I will give you that I have made progress and telling my girlfriend was so huge. I am just pissed that all I had to do was not go on these sites and I would be happy. That is all I had to do was stay away....that's it!!! I messed that up. I think we have this pinned down to about 1997 when this happened....that is what I am told. I was a teenager...so ugh!! I am taking meds for OCD but this is always there!!! It makes me so mad that I can get aroused the right way. So mad!! I wish I had a time machine! :mad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 I will give you that I have made progress and telling my girlfriend was so huge. I am just pissed that all I had to do was not go on these sites and I would be happy. That is all I had to do was stay away....that's it!!! I messed that up. I think we have this pinned down to about 1997 when this happened....that is what I am told. I was a teenager...so ugh!! I am taking meds for OCD but this is always there!!! It makes me so mad that I can get aroused the right way. So mad!! I wish I had a time machine! :mad:The progress you made IS huge, and what you've pretty much done is allowed someone who deeply loves you to help you along the way.If we had time machines, I don't think any of us would be part of this community... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted July 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 The thing is why oh why did this come back now?!!!! It just makes me sick! I think of life in a totally different way now.....It is like a clock counting up like a stopwatch and eventually someone is going to push the button to stop it. Pretty grim, I know, but essentially that is what it is. My girlfriend deserves much better, but for whatever reason, doesn't want it. I just want this to go away. I am really pissed off pedophilic fiction isn't illegal, because it should be!!! Also, I stand by this, the things I saw were what most people would call harmless. I just wish I had the foresight to have known that they would be this damaging to my psyche. The damndest thing....I tried and neither one really arouses me. I have been successful with things that lead me to believe I could be intimate too.....that is why I am going crazy. It's like the pictures are going to be in the way of what I am pretty sure I can do. I hate that I am not seeing the boys as much either. I used to see them all the time. I really think that this may be what caused this whole thing to just explode. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 What do you suppose would happen SR, if you didn't continue to torchure yourself about a learning "what not to do experience" you 'had?'Only you know your answers, and why you continue to obsessively put yourself through over this 'old stuff.' (To the expense of fully valuing and appreciating your 'present, differently.')You do have your reasons. You continue to justify this emotional self-abuse, probably because of some degree of fear, that if you didn't....... what???Think about it, will you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 The thing is why oh why did this come back now?!!!! It just makes me sick! I think of life in a totally different way now.....It is like a clock counting up like a stopwatch and eventually someone is going to push the button to stop it. Pretty grim, I know, but essentially that is what it is. My girlfriend deserves much better, but for whatever reason, doesn't want it. I just want this to go away. I am really pissed off pedophilic fiction isn't illegal, because it should be!!! Also, I stand by this, the things I saw were what most people would call harmless. I just wish I had the foresight to have known that they would be this damaging to my psyche. The damndest thing....I tried and neither one really arouses me. I have been successful with things that lead me to believe I could be intimate too.....that is why I am going crazy. It's like the pictures are going to be in the way of what I am pretty sure I can do. I hate that I am not seeing the boys as much either. I used to see them all the time. I really think that this may be what caused this whole thing to just explode.SR, you've asked yourself over and over what caused this to come back to you, and I think you've answered that over and over again. It very likely came from the passing of your grandmother, and you were very afraid you'd lose the boys too. The truth, though, is that figuring out what caused this all to come back isn't going to solve anything. You made mistakes and you are now so regretful.Your girlfriend does not deserve better than you because from what I understand, you're pretty high up there. She knows you'll be both an extremely loving and devoted husband and father. That's why she wants to be with you.It's obvious that you still need further help, but at least take some happiness in the fact that you know your girlfriend still loves you. I've gathered that that's been one of your largest concerns since this whole thing started. You can't tell me that you don't feel some weight pulled off of you now.As far as the boys go, if you want to see them more often, go for it. Isn't that one of the things that your girlfriend found so admirable in the first place? Didn't she find it heartwarming that you could be so loving to the boys? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 please don't overlook my post ahead of mm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted July 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 There is no fear except that this will never go away. That is the only fear that I am living with. I just don't know! The thing is had I never looked at this stuff, I would be completely willing to go for it. I just don't think someone who did what I did is a very deserving spouse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 There is no fear except that this will never go away. That is the only fear that I am living with. I just don't know! The thing is had I never looked at this stuff, I would be completely willing to go for it. (so now? its a convenient excuse, to avoid possibly not succeeding in simply going on with your life, happily? successfully?)I just don't think someone who did what I did is a very deserving spouse.Right. Its your sense of critical judgementalism, which you've adopted AND, at some level you 'believe' is appropriate or necessary.....to ???? prevent something????? Somewhere it seems you've adopted a belief, which you've elevated to great importance, (purpose,) that you also believe deserves severe punishment and denial of ongoing joy and happiness???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 I'm sorry to come across as harsh (you know I've supported you from the beginning and will continue to do so,) but it almost sounds like you're trying to make excuses as to why you can't be happy. I know that's not really the case.You are a deserving spouse solely because your girlfriend has deemed you as such. If you go through with marriage, she will help you when you need help. You matter too much to her and many others.You clearly have a lot to deal with, and unfortunately, it doesn't seem like you're adjusting to therapy as well as we'd have hoped. However, that's no reason to assume you'll never get better. I don't know about you, but cotastrophizing triggers me. What triggers you, SR? If we can figure that out, we may be able to reduce the frequency that triggers occur for you. If that's done, you may just have a better outlook, and you may be more responsive to treatment. It's just a theory, but I think it's worth a shot.Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 I can hear your frustration, sr. And I'm somehow missing one. Isn't it also frustrating that you worried about your girlfriends reaction for months and now nothing happenend? I know this can be very frustrating. It's good that your girlfriend still accepts you, so maybe you can learn how to do that. I don't see what about your actions was so wrong that it damaged your psyche. I understand the time machine, wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, but I rather picture your psyche as the thing that tells you what you did wrong all the time. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 SR,MM is right on target plus, you are getting wonderful support here. Everyone here has high regard for you. My hope is that you are taking that into yourself. It's a big thing, to have people really like you, think highly of you and fully accept you. Please know that you are getting full validation here and not frustration at all.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted July 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Oh, believe me guys, you have been wonderful. Everyone has supported me, even my girlfriend. It's just that with every waking step I hear Speedo, Speedo, Speedo. I may be more disappointed that I know this stuff is out there more than I may have actually used it. I just don't know anymore! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 My belief is that guilt initially exists to prevent you from doing an action again. However, it can get to the point that we obsess, and that serves no purpose. SR, what triggers you? Just eliminating triggers may make you feel a bit better.Congratulations once again on telling your girlfriend. Do you have a planned proposal date? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 There will always be more we don't know than we know SR. Learning to accept and to be comfortable with 'not knowing,' and simply focus oneself on participating fully in experiencing ones present, the flavor one chooses, one gets.....moment, to moment. Life after all, is simply a series of moments, like snowflakes,....no two exactly alike. How's about making snow angels? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted July 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 My belief is that guilt initially exists to prevent you from doing an action again. However, it can get to the point that we obsess, and that serves no purpose. SR, what triggers you? Just eliminating triggers may make you feel a bit better.Congratulations once again on telling your girlfriend. Do you have a planned proposal date?The problem that I am having is that I am not trying to obsess....it is just always there. I think a lot of what triggered this is the feelings of loss I had first with my grandma and then the feeling of loss with the boys. I just felt like the people I loved were leaving me left and right. Like I had mentioned, there was a point where I could not be around the boys without crying because I felt like they were just not going to be there. What sucks is that I might be OK now if I had just let them go when they were done with my class. It makes a little bit of sense to me because this is hitting when they no longer are in my class....I think that it makes tons of sense in that light. Maybe if my grandma was still alive, I would be OK too. But having these two things just creep up at once, that was a little more than I could handle. Not that that ever makes it OK to look at boys in Speedos and touch myself (which doesn't even work now, so maybe I never did it in the first place). It is just that I looked at kids...that isn't right. I am a teacher and am supposed to be a champion for them, not a person who lusts after them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 SR, no one who obsesses, at least in the clinical sense, is "trying" to, any more than someone who's depressed is trying to be sad. There is no "snap out of it"; that just doesn't happen, and that's why you can't force yourself to stop. In fact, there's evidence that the harder you try to stop obsessing, the more energy you put into the obsession. What's needed is a "work smarter, not harder" approach, which is what therapy is about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 The problem that I am having is that I am not trying to obsess....it is just always there.Its not about trying or not, its just that you 'do.' The wonderful part is we all have our reasons for 'doing' what we do, and we hold onto them because they seem to us to make perfect sense, seem natural and normal......however........The beliefs which fuel our actions are accessible, addressable, changeable, or keepable. Fascilitating discovering this for oneself, is in my mind the primary purpose and role of a therapist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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