What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[soregretful]

Allan,

Of course I want your help. If this all about obsessional thinking, how do I stop? I am going to therapy. I am trying to learn. Really, I don't know what to do. I do not realize that I am making people think this way at all and wonder if I had mentioned the two boys at all if this would have even gone there.

The only reason I mention the boys is because their absence has created a huge depression in my life that may have triggered this. If I had never even mentioned them, would anyone even think that way? I am wishing I never had told you guys about them because they have nothing to do with the issue I need help with. Had I not even brought them into the equation, would you have these thoughts? I do not steer anyone toward thinking I abused anyone. That is something people think. To be completely honest, would you think that way if I had never mentioned them? Who knows?

Bottom line is I NEVER molested anyone and I don't see why anyone would think I did. I told everyone everything in the hopes that my honesty would get me somewhere. I did not intend for anyone to do any dot connecting that would lead them to think I molested kids because I didn't. Let's start this thread over and pretend I never even mentioned the boys....would you think the same way? I am regretting ever have brought them up because their mere mention has led to more problems than answers...it is them that led everyone to think I crossed boundaries and that I molested them. I wish I never would have told you about them. They are not part of my problem and I only wish that people would see I need help with the guilt issue.

[soregretful]

Today in therapy, I explored the whole issue with the speedos. Early back in my life, I can trace myself to a compulsion with things of a silky texture. My favorite thing when I was little was this blanket I had that had a satiny binding. I LOVED that thing and sucked my thumb with it, and here's another little embarassing fact, until about 5th grade. I hated the thought of giving it up. I always had it. Next, I used to play soccer when I was little. We had these shorts called Umbros. Anyhow, they were of the same texture. I remember always rubbing them on the corner so much to the point that they even ripped from so much touching. Then of course, the speedo thing. I think for me, it was about the way the felt. I remember, and I think I have posted this before, having cut up a pair of bicycle shorts as a kid trying to make one. I don't know. When I was 16, I bought my first pair of Speedos...the moment I could drive. In my life, I bought about 15-20 pair, dead serious. Even my underwear is of that texture and today my favorite shirts to wear are Under Armour. Also, as far as that goes, my nervous habit to this day is to stroke my eyebrow with my index finger when I am nervous. The therapist said it wasn't so much the kid that excited me, but the speedo itself. He suggested I probably could have gotten stimulated from a mannequin wearing a speedo. It wasn't that I was looking for boys in speedos, as much as it was speedos that happened to have boys in them. Any thoughts? I am just wanting some help here. Combined with the fact that I am completely capable to getting aroused to appropriate things. What do you think? Just throwing it out there.

[soregretful]

I wake up every day and ask myself why I didn't just live better. Why wasn't I just a better person? I have two freakin college degrees. Why didn't I just realize that what I was doing was wrong? What the hell is the matter with me? Why do I EVEN KNOW what the Chippendiddys are? This is why it is so damn hard to forgive myself.....WHY didn't I just do a better job with my life? God, what did I do to the beautiful gift that you and my parents gave me? Why did I do this? I have so many more questions than answers at this point. I lived 32 of my years on this Earth in such happiness. What did I do this for? This is why I bring up the boys.....could feeling their loss have triggered all of this? I get really angry because I look at things I did and wrote just a year ago and all was so well. Could this have all been triggered because I loved the kids too much and losing them was just too much for me to take? That is a pretty crummy reward. Not that I have anyone to blame but myself, but why was I able to live with this for so long and now that I go to try to forge a life for myself, it comes back to haunt me? Why? I just ask God why I did this to myself. I just tell my parents how sorry I am every time I see them. Really, how did I end up here? I just don't get it and I really don't know how to get out of it. Why did I do this to my life? What could I have possibly been thinking? I really feel like I will never be happy again, though a lot of this happened years ago. Why was I able to forget for so long? Could it have been my grandma dying? That is the last day I remember being happy. Could it have been starting a relationship that I felt pressured into? Losing the kids? Stress at work? How could I all of a sudden remember stuff from the early 2000s like it was yesterday? Maybe earlier than that. It's like all I can do is remember every evil thing I have ever done. And I swear to God, that this was in my past...not like last week....like YEARS ago. Why now?

[Musicman]

SR, what are your thoughts on your therapy session today? Everything you mentioned before about certain fabrics: Did you always remember this, or did this just come back to you in therapy? Your therapist sounds like he's really starting to dig down deep. I have faith that he/she can help you.

Please SR, be gentle on yourself. My guess is that several circumstances were responsible for all of this. Likely, the passing of your grandmother got the ball rolling. The thought of losing the boys probably pushed you over the line. If you think about it, you've claimed that some of the only people you've deeply loved were your grandmother and the boys. More than likely, these occurrences triggered your current issues.

I must insist that you stick with therapy. Even if you aren't feeling any better, it sounds like you're making a little progress.

Please SR, take gentle GENTLE care.

[soregretful]

SR, what are your thoughts on your therapy session today? Everything you mentioned before about certain fabrics: Did you always remember this, or did this just come back to you in therapy? Your therapist sounds like he's really starting to dig down deep. I have faith that he/she can help you.

Please SR, be gentle on yourself. My guess is that several circumstances were responsible for all of this. Likely, the passing of your grandmother got the ball rolling. The thought of losing the boys probably pushed you over the line. If you think about it, you've claimed that some of the only people you've deeply loved were your grandmother and the boys. More than likely, these occurrences triggered your current issues.

I must insist that you stick with therapy. Even if you aren't feeling any better, it sounds like you're making a little progress.

Please SR, take gentle GENTLE care.

No, I always remembered this. The therapist says that this is like a comfort for me. I think having Speedos was like a comfort for me. It just would have felt good. My first one came the moment I got my license. I mean that!! I ALWAYS wanted a speedo from the time I was little. Here is something bizarre....1989....a cover from a SI for kids magazine featuring Janet Evans and a little kid in a white blue and green Speedo over a pool.

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://cdn2.iofferphoto.com/img3/item/210/564/754/OcR6.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.ioffer.com/si/matted%2520classic&usg=__M_Z24hz2vvZ1pqyfn0FEu0sYPJ4=&h=768&w=670&sz=88&hl=en&start=0&sig2=cmkAxjx8IHNcyZr2dJMvFw&zoom=1&tbnid=pvSaAK2xEEuADM:&tbnh=132&tbnw=115&ei=drTlTfirBsvTgQfAm4zJCg&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dsports%2Billustrated%2Bfor%2Bkids%2Bjanet%2Bevans%2Bcover%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1003%26bih%3D574%26gbv%3D2%26tbm%3Disch&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=187&page=1&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:0&tx=72&ty=48

Google it...I had that magazine when I was 11 and remember thinking I want one of those!

How is that? I think this was ALWAYS a speedo fetish and damnit that is always what I typed in EVERY TIME!!!! I mean...I can remember this damn magazine cover from when I was 11!!!!!!!!!! Speedos have always been part of my life...I have quite a few of them...and this was before I went all crazy. It explains some things, but does it make me any better if a person? Do I have any chance of being happy ever again guys? I just feel like a pervert every day.

[Sissagwaad]

SR, please review what you were doing to yourself in 303.

All life is 'therapy.' We either learn and choose to address our choice of 'habitual' thought and emotional experience, or we resist, and robotically do what we've always done, and wail 'why'.

The theme-quality of the questions in 303 by anyone learned in looking at the quality of questions we tend to 'give ourselves' can only be classified as 'garbage questions.' (I can only encourage you to explore and to learn from Anthony Robbins excellent chapter topic, thesis, on 'Questions are the answer.')

Compulsiveness? what is that really?

Isn't that like a habitual sort of addictiveness?

Isn't that like a rigid refusal to consider, that one might have a choice or

responsibility in what they do?

Isn't 'fear' perhaps the #1 'habit' that ropes us in to being relatively 'mindless robots?'

-----------

Later you mention: If this all about obsessional thinking, how do I stop? I am going to therapy. I am trying to learn. Really, I don't know what to do. Greatstuff!! Less 'trying' and more simply 'doing'

(the actual stuff, 'learning and practicing' 'doing' different thinking exercises) Admitting to oneself one does not know, is a good starting place.

The more useful Questions might be, how and what can and is one 'doing' each and every day, study-wise, application-wise, to learn more useful ways to think and believe in oneself, and thusly have a more useful emotional experience? (Journalling will give you reinforcement and a sense of actually making some headway with each gift of a day you have) hugs

[Musicman]

Building onto what Sissa said, maybe it's time you start stepping out of your comfort zone (not that I'd call you "comfortable," but you catch my drift.) If an opportunity (such as becoming intimate with you girlfriend) presents itself, take the chance, even if you feel you don't deserve it.

[soregretful]

Guys,

School is over tomorrow and I have a whole summer to stew in this. I can't imagine it is going to be fun. If this is me being obsessive, I don't know how to stop. All I can think about is the Chippendiddys and boys in speedos. That is literally all I can think of...it's not like I want to think of that, but I can not help but think of anything else. Should I be on meds? What should I do? I don't know. I just don't know. The sad thing is I have a lot of parents fighting to get their little ones in my room for next year. All I want to do is feel better and get back to teaching. I am so lost and so sad. Should I do the hospital? I mean, really, is there anything that can knock this stuff out for a while so that I can have some relief? It is like that is all I can think about. I hate this!

[Sissagwaad]

Guys,

School is over tomorrow and I have a whole summer to stew in this.

I can't imagine it is going to be fun.

If this is me being obsessive, I don't know how to stop.

All I can think about is the Chippendiddys and boys in speedos.

That is literally all I can think of...it's not like I want to think of that, but I can not help but think of anything else.

Should I be on meds? What should I do? I don't know. I just don't know.

The sad thing is I have a lot of parents fighting to get their little ones in my room for next year. All I want to do is feel better and get back to teaching. I am so lost and so sad. Should I do the hospital? I mean, really, is there anything that can knock this stuff out for a while so that I can have some relief? It is like that is all I can think about. I hate this!

If all you want to do is 'knock this "stuff" out for a while,' then 'drug yourself up.

Yah, 'it,' (how you are doing yourself,) won't go away, but you might be 'blissed out' temporarily.

You might look into ECT. This is something till just last year I would never suggest considering because of witnessing people subjected to it while hospitalized many years ago, but now......I witnessed first hand, that it indeed can benefit, without the dreadful unknown liteney of adverse effects of drugs, in providing effective relief, particularly with long held obsessive thinking disorders. I would not have believed it if i hadn't witnessed it first hand. Of course it is not a cure, only the patient can do that by actually choosing to change or modify the pictures they create of themselves and their lives. This is ultimately the step that is necessary for change, no one else, and no drugs have been proven to effectively over-ride this permanently without side-effects.

[soregretful]

Guys,

Tomorrow is my last school day. I am thinking it may be one of my days alive. I can't believe I did this to myself. Why didn't I love myself more? Less than a year ago, my life was so happy and fulfilling. Last year, I had a grandma and the boys were right there in my life. Less than a year ago. How did it all just fall in the crapper? Then I remember, oh yeah, I looked at the Chippendiddys. This is ALL my fault. I physically do not know how to be happy anymore. Oh, why did I do this to myself? What was the payoff? Why did I do this? I don't think I can be saved guys. I can't live forever with the Chippendiddys in my head. I can't. Even some of the comments on YouTube say a pedophile's dream and if you like this, go die in a car fire. Oh, my God, what did I do? What could I possibly have been thinking? I am in hell. There is no way out!

[IrmaJean]

SR, please go to a hospital or call for help if you don't feel safe.

I know you love teaching, but there are other aspects of life to build on too.

You're experiencing intrusive thoughts. What did your therapist suggest? Do you have any methods of coping? Whenever these thoughts come up for you, try stopping them. Distract yourself. Don't write them down and reinforce those bad feelings.

What is feeding this guilt?

There is always a way out, but you have to keep on living in order to find it.

[SweetSue]

soregretful ????

You need to go and seek help with this, visit your doctor - or even call him out to you, and as IrmaJean says go to the hospital if you dont feel safe, if you cant get to the hospital safely yourself then call a ambulance if needs be.

There is always a way out - always a different path to follow.

You talk about your guilt often, guilt for things that have past, you know how heavy guilt ways. Do you really want the people that you genuinely care about, to feel the guilt that comes with coping after someone has killed themself ?

Seriously, that is a huge guilt.

Yes I know thats a low blow, but well, its true.

So do yourself a favour, and the people you love and in return love you, and seek the help you need.

take care

[Musicman]

SR, please read the emails I sent you.

[soregretful]

SR, please go to a hospital or call for help if you don't feel safe.

I know you love teaching, but there are other aspects of life to build on too.

You're experiencing intrusive thoughts. What did your therapist suggest? Do you have any methods of coping? Whenever these thoughts come up for you, try stopping them. Distract yourself. Don't write them down and reinforce those bad feelings.

What is feeding this guilt?

There is always a way out, but you have to keep on living in order to find it.

Irms,

Why would I not feel guilty about this? These thoughts are always there, every day. It isn't like they ever go away. I know that I was depressed about the boys growing up for like two months before all this went down. Maybe that is feeding the guilt? I don't know. I have the same discussion with my family all the time and they keep saying I did nothing wrong. I think I did.

[Sissagwaad]

sr, sr,sr....you keep on asking questions you know the answer to.

How Are these questions useful? "Why did i do this, why did i do that, why, why why.......

The answer is simple, and ought to be obvious to you, and easy to accept, and to forgive. YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER....(then)

You were dumb to knowing anybetter, you 'were' stupid.

The question is what are you going to do about your NOW?

To continue to rake yourself with such questions is nothing less than self-abuse.

The more pertinant, or useful question might be why am i continuing to give myself grief NOW, about something i cannot do anything about, that happened in the past?

Why is it seemingly more 'comfortable' to be past mongering, than present pleasuring?

Well? what's it going to be SR. Continue to self-abuse your present moments, or be thankful for everything you can value and be appreciative for?

[IrmaJean]

Why would I not feel guilty about this?

Have you noticed that you frequently answer questions with more questions?

You seem almost as if you are on a mission to punish yourself, SR, and then look to others to validate your awful feelings.

Why self-punish? How does it serve you to continue beating yourself up? Ask yourself what this is doing for you, what is it keeping you from? Does it have a purpose?

[soregretful]

Let me ask you guys something.....

Does it seem strange to you the concept of me trying to have children or make love to my girlfriend knowing that speedos, some on little boys, got me off? I don't even know how much anymore.....the fact that I even know these damn websites at all is enough to make me want to die. I can not stop thinking about them.

Sissa, you are absolutely right when you say I didn't know better....I never even knew that I was going to have a girlfriend...and had I known then what I know now, I never would have gone there. NOT that I should have gone there in the first place anyways! All I want is to be happy. I just feel like hey....here comes that Chippendiddy dude...he is great. Look at what a great teacher Chippendiddy dude is. Chippendiddy dude would make a great dad. Thanks for teaching our child so much this year Mr. Chippendiddy. Maybe in a couple years, you will have Mr. Chippendiddy, wouldn't you like that honey. Lots of requests for Mr. Chippendiddy this year. Congratulations to Mr. Chippendiddy for being teacher of the month...your prize is some boys in speedos. I mean what the hell......is this going to be ALL I can think about the rest of my life? I so badly just want to die! I want my girlfriend to be a mommy though. Can that happen? What do you guys think?

[Musicman]

SR, I am 100% confident that you could father a child. You've proven excellent with the boys, and you've been a great teacher to hundreds of students. You severely regret what you did, and would never put your or any other child in danger. You and your girlfriend would be able to provide for your child, and it's not even questionable whether you'd love him/her. SR, I don't know what other evidence you need.

[soregretful]

OK,

Great...now that leads me to my next problem......how to get the Chippendiddy thing out of my head.

[soregretful]

What does anyone think about me trying to become intimate? What do you think? I mean, honest, ladies, how many of you would want me as a boyfriend knowing this?

[soregretful]

soregretful ????

You need to go and seek help with this, visit your doctor - or even call him out to you, and as IrmaJean says go to the hospital if you dont feel safe, if you cant get to the hospital safely yourself then call a ambulance if needs be.

There is always a way out - always a different path to follow.

You talk about your guilt often, guilt for things that have past, you know how heavy guilt ways. Do you really want the people that you genuinely care about, to feel the guilt that comes with coping after someone has killed themself ?

Seriously, that is a huge guilt.

Yes I know thats a low blow, but well, its true.

So do yourself a favour, and the people you love and in return love you, and seek the help you need.

take care

I wish I knew what kind of help I needed.

[IrmaJean]

SR, your emotions are attaching to those thoughts and that could be feeding this. When this stuff enters your mind, try not to have a strong emotional response to it. Try detaching from it.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I seem to remember that Allan already told you what you can do. Did you hear that or not?

[Sissagwaad]

What does anyone think about me trying to become intimate? What do you think? I mean, honest, ladies, how many of you would want me as a boyfriend knowing this?

Perhaps you could be asking yourself more useful questions?

Like, towards understanding howcome you believe you require to know what others think? Like why is that important? What if you didn't know, or pretend to know judgementally, what others think. How come you have yet to learn, or do you even want to learn, that what others think and do, is actually 'none of your business'?

"your business" is about learning to own, what you choose to think. And choosing thinking and thoughts which support rather than pull you down.

No one out there determines how you think and feel. That is entirely your own responibility, and has nothing to do with what others think or believe.

Time to think about learning, learning to declare your emotional independance SR. Practice, Practice, Practice....(or, if you prefer, simply continue robotically as you've been doing) What will it be?

[Sissagwaad]

I wish I knew what kind of help I needed.

Simply? Help with your choice of thinking habits.

Some would label this as compulsive thinking habits.

All compulsion seems tied to, people tying themselves up, out of fear to think or do differently. In other words a fear, that if they 'give up' doing what they are doing by rote, something worse will happen.

For me the dynamic is simple, Fear is simply the absence of love/trust.