What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[JaiJai]

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

[soregretful]

Jai,

I typed in red speedos stories....don't ask me why. It is there! It may not be common but that's how I found it.

[JaiJai]

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

[SweetSue]

And THAT point I made Sweet Sue should have been someone's focus, to remove the websites, as noone else made mention of it. How very Hurtful of me.

Didnt say you were hurtful JaiJai - I said to soregretful - sorry that 'THAT' post had hurt him.

[soregretful]

SR do u mind if I ask how old ur students are?

Why is this of any consequence?

[JaiJai]

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

JJ, your posts have been accusatory since you entered the thread. Even now you accuse sr of being defensive for asking a bloody good question. It doesn't surprise me that you've been asked not to post here.

[JaiJai]

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

[Sissagwaad]

Direct? no, just judgementally assumptive.

he was merely answering your question with a clarifying question, not refusing to answer.

What you would do has no relavance to the choices SR makes or has made.

no

Clearly he embarked on being the respected and admired teacher long ago, prior to his present emotional distress and difficulty in accepting himself, whatever puddles he may have tripped into along the way.

Sr, why or what motivated you to 'choose' to be a teacher?

What motivates you now? What limits you?.....fear? isn't fear just an irrational choice towards something that hasn't happened? A result of ones failure to trust themselves, the universe, and/or God?

Perhaps focusing on how to learn to do this more, trust/drop fears, might be useful? Wot Do I know

[JaiJai]

Whatever..

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Neither is the age of his students a secret, nor has sr as far as I remember ever reported that the obsessive thoughts are triggered by them. So yeah, whatever.

[JaiJai]

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;.

[SweetSue]

So whats the big deal answering? There was nothin malicious about my question. Enjoy blowing sunshine up each others undisclosed orifices. I wont denegrade the quality of conversation for you any longer. its time to get f'ed up party anyways.

JaiJai

Whats wrong ?

Why are you being so disrespectful ?

I realise you are hurting, but really that is no reason to post hurtful things

Enjoy your party.

Take care

[Guest ASchwartz]

JJ,

You do not deserve an answer because you are being aggressive, accusatory and, frankly, downright nasty. And, don't say whatever. We will not be dismissed that way.

Here is a warning I am issuing to you as an adiministrator here and on this site:

If you continue to behave aggressively towards SR and towards others, you will be suspended temporarily to begin. If, after you are readmitted, you return to these disrespectful ways, you will be permanently banned from this site.

Dr. Schwartz

[soregretful]

Direct? no, just judgementally assumptive.

he was merely answering your question with a clarifying question, not refusing to answer.

What you would do has no relavance to the choices SR makes or has made.

no

Clearly he embarked on being the respected and admired teacher long ago, prior to his present emotional distress and difficulty in accepting himself, whatever puddles he may have tripped into along the way.

Sr, why or what motivated you to 'choose' to be a teacher?

What motivates you now? What limits you?.....fear? isn't fear just an irrational choice towards something that hasn't happened? A result of ones failure to trust themselves, the universe, and/or God?

Perhaps focusing on how to learn to do this more, trust/drop fears, might be useful? Wot Do I know

Sissa,

I wanted to be a teacher because I had that one special teacher in 6th grade that kind of turned my life around for me. I wanted to do something that useful. For the first 9 years, things were heaven! I love doing what I do. The problem I may have made for myself is that I got really close with one of the student's families. So close they considered me family. Now, as he grows up, I find myself depressed because I don't get to spend as much time with him. I think that this may have been a big part of what triggered this whole explosion of my past. Kids do stupid things, and you know, when I made this website mistake, that is what I was for the most part. I could chalk it up to exploration or whatever. I am not even sure that I pleasured myself....you can see that in post 1. I never even have been sure. The boys growing up hit right at the same time my grandmother died and I just felt like all my close relationships were ending. Add that to the fact that I started my relationship with my girlfriend at the same time. Just a lot of stress. I almost was put into a situation where I had to make the relationship work to fill a hole in my heart. I can say that I do love this girl because I told her about all of this and she is so supportive. I came to find out she was raped as a child. I NEVER looked at any child porn. I maybe shouldn't list the sites, but nothing was illegal. The thing that bothers me now is the stories, whereas at the beginning it was just the Chippendiddys, etc. Those are really not much of an issue anymore and I think I may have catastrophised what happened with them out of panic. The stories, however, are another issue. While technically legal under the first amendment, they did talk about children being engaged in sexual acts. I never went out searching for these stories....ever. I never once typed anything that would generate this kind of a hit. I don't know how I ever found out about ni____.o__. I wish I could just forget this name though because it has these stories on it. I think one of my speedo searches hit this and not realizing it was kids, I read it. I don't know. Certainly, these are words. I have read murder stories and not felt a thing, even though I think murder is the worst thing a human being could do. I never pictured myself in the stories either. I am trying to live a happy present with a girl who understands what happened. I am not trying to cover any tracks, etc. Now that I find out about her past, I feel a little more guilty, but I love that she understands and forgives me! I got out of bed at 5 o'clock today. That is how long it took me to get the courage to face the day. My psychiatrist says to fill the pages of your life story with so many good things that the bad one is just squished out. I am trying but feel so guilty about just having known these websites, even if by accident or whatever. No one was hurt, though I read some things I would be SO MUCH better off never having seen.

[Musicman]

SR, perhaps I shouldn't be the one to say this only because of my age verses yours, but that last post was very mature, and I'm happy that you spoke so frankly.

"I never went out searching for these stories....ever. I never once typed anything that would generate this kind of a hit. I don't know how I ever found out about ni____.o__. I wish I could just forget this name though because it has these stories on it. I think one of my speedo searches hit this and not realizing it was kids, I read it. I don't know."

Read closely what you said there. You didn't go looking for these stories. You didn't realize that they were about children. You very likely didn't pleasure yourself to the stories. I agree that you should do something to control your anxiety, but the simple simple truth is that these stories were no worse than the pictures you viewed. To assume that you used these stories to pleasure yourself is simply cotastrophizing, and I'm sure that you realize by now that there's no room for that.

Also, please note that while it's a good thing that you've started censoring the website's URL, you really still should go back and do the same in your older posts. They can really trigger some people, and speaking as one of those people and as a friend, I'm asking that you remove the URLs. Thanks.

Hugs,

MM

[Sissagwaad]

SR, you shared: My psychiatrist says to fill the pages of your life story with so many good things that the bad one is just squished out.

Ok, so what do you think about that idea?

I am trying, you are or you arn't 'doing' it,

but feel so guilty, how you feel is a choice, resulting from thinking habit,

about just having known these websites, everyone knows, is everyone feeling guilty? no

even if by accident or whatever. No one was hurt, though I read some things I would be SO MUCH better off never having seen.

I'm reminded of the serenity prayer, do you know it?

What about aligning yourself with it? Any problems/objections with doing this?

ps if you don't know it, it can be googled.

[soregretful]

Will there ever come a day where I wake up and not remember the names of these sites? For the life of me, I can not tell you why I know them now. I certainly am not any kind of child predator or anything like that. God, if you ever met the parents whose children I taught, they would say I am amazing with kids, and I am, but I am afraid going into this year because every time I look at one of them, I will imagine them in the story. That is awful. I have a 24-hour headache. I can't even tell you why I know them. I am so sad and so sorry. I have gone to confession and everything. Generally, I thought I was a good person, but I think I am wrong. There are not enough good deeds in the world to atone for reading this crap. And I don't even know the last time I did.....the mere fact I know that this garbage is out there is enough to make me sick. I want God to help me help myself because I sure as hell don't know what to do anymore. No matter what I do, I will be thinking about this $h!+ until I die. Why do I even know it's there? I don't even care how long ago it was, I am just finished trying. No matter what I do, I am going to feel like a pedophile until I die. My freaking uncle got arrested....why didn't I see the signs? Why wasn't I better? I effing hate life!

[JaiJai]

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

[Sissagwaad]

....JJ writes:

Here's my thoughts (for what they're worth)

I was wondering....Maybe youre stressing because of what happenned to your uncle? -

And it may be that you remember these sites cus you're dwelling on them.

SR dwells on dramatizing, 'happening to know of these sites,'

for what he believes at some level, 'very useful reasons.'

Don't ever try to take a bare-bone from a dog that believes he's going to starve if he lets it 'slip away.' (U know what happens, he only guards it and holds onto it even more adamantly, right?)

SR has to come to his own realization, ultimately choose, what emotions he continues to hold onto.

If you think about it SR, hasn't fear got a lot to do with 'this routine,'

this emotional merry-go-round, you maintain?

[JaiJai]

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

[Sissagwaad]

jj, with all due respect...if you'd been 'with' SR as long as I, and others, you'd perhaps recognize he's been there done that, over and over and over.

its not that he has been missing any opportunity to 'defend' his 'bone,' that is simply the 'merrygoround' he's been making himself dizzy with for months, here.

All we can best do, imho, is love him, accepting his choices, and inviting him to explore the possibility of choosing to change his selection of 'entertaining himself'

(sr, i trust you are listening, and thinking about exploring, practicing, and learning, a different emotional 'habit.') The important step is not thinking about trying, its 'doing.'

(every moment, is a precious opportunity. Every moment focused on berrating yourself with why, keeps you from participating joyfully in 'the present.') hugs.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Sr, there is a way to distinguish between you and your uncle.

Your uncle probably tried to hide what he did, but the police came to arrest him anyway.

If you went to the police and told them all you told us, they'd send you home.

What's the point comparing yourself?

[JaiJai]

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

[soregretful]

Sr, there is a way to distinguish between you and your uncle.

Your uncle probably tried to hide what he did, but the police came to arrest him anyway.

If you went to the police and told them all you told us, they'd send you home.

What's the point comparing yourself?

True soo.

I am my jailer on this one. Nothing I did was illegal....so why do I feel like a criminal? I still think websites that feature pedophilic fiction should be illegal.the disclaimer on the site says 18 or over is the age of the portrayers.....so I thought the content would be that...lo and behold the stories about young kids...like elementary school. Horrible and misleading. Then, I come to find out my girlfriend was raped by her cousin when she was 5. That could have been her in the story. We just want to move forward and try to have a family, but I am having a hard time living with myself. What do I do with this?