I'm a little calmer now (compared to my "It's been a while thread, probably in the SI forum). Of course it's not bedtime yet, so we'll see how long it lasts. Anyway I finally took some decisive action. The mediator is driving me insane. And I can't find the complaint form I printed off. So today, I just started writing up my list of complaints against her. I would dearly love to see her lose her license for being so blatantly biased in favour of my ex while browbeating me to death. I thi
I don't think I like meds for lifelong problems. I've now gained 6 lbs in 6 weeks on Cipralex/Escitalopram (OK - 2 of those over Christmas). When I looked up the fact sheet, it did not mention weight gain as a side effect. When I googled "Escitalopram and Weight gain", it turns out it commonly causes it! I had been feeling more down, more lethargic, less willing to exercise or get up early once I got up to 15 mg a couple of weeks ago. I also feel like it's just making me apathetic, like what
So I survived my first Christmas night without family or kids. Actually, it wasn't so bad. I had my kids earlier in the day (and their Dad too, who behaved himself), and we opened presents together. That's my favorite part, watching them open presents. We did our big family get together at my sister's on Christmas Eve this year instead of the 25th. My daughter sang "Huron Carol" for everybody- a beautiful Traditional Canadian Christmas carol. So back to the 25th. I skipped dinner because i
I've been all over the map these past few days. Way up, way down. Kids for two weeks. That ought to drive me insane. I'm actually TALKING to my sister these days. Usually she's full of one liners. "You get to choose how you feel", "you get what you focus on", etc. Yah, I know, I know. Got all the CBT stuff down pat. Understand it completely on an INTELLECTUAL level. I've generally avoided talking to her about my more recent psychoanalytic therapy. She's a "know it all" and I figured s
I have described my occupation over the last year as "Looking for Inspiration". I've been trying to find out what it is that I really want after a life of doing nothing but what others want me to do, which usually serves them quite well, but left me exhausted, depressed, feeling used, overwhelmed, in physical pain and feeling worthless because I couldn't count on anybody the way they could count on me. Today I felt I got rewarded for looking. I just came back from watching my 9 year old daug
As I have struggled over the last year to find a permanent solution to my depression, I have finally figured something out. I am a "thinker", ie: a fact-finder, skeptic, problem solver etc. so every attempt I have made to get out of depression has been from that "thinking" mode, or a conscious effort to FORCE change. Such as: - It's been lifelong so it must be a chemical imbalance - just find the right antidepressant. - Somehow I just let negative thoughts get in there so just retrain my brai
Well, I finally got a good sleep last night without sleeping aids. Not however for the best reason. Something very unsettling happened in my therapy session last Friday. As I said goodbye to my therapist, I had this unmistakeable sense that he was upset with me. I didn't have a clue why. As I went over the session in my head on the drive home, the only thing I could come up with was that I had been talking about a very short dream I had about my ex. In the dream, my ex said "Turn the FUCKI
My daughter just turned six today. We took her to Princess Palace, a place where the kids get to dress up like princesses, do their nails, put makeup on and have a fashion show. Very cute! She started out the day happy thank goodness. She's been a little down lately. A couple of days ago she had a meltdown in her therapist's office. Something was bugging her but she was not terribly coherent. A few phrases stuck out though, such as: "Nobody listens to me" "I want to die" "I hate it when
Lately, I've been waking up at 2 or 3 am in the morning and laying wide awake with nothing going through my head. Last night, I feel like I had a 5 hour therapy session in my head. When I woke up at 3 am, I was thinking about my Dad and how I felt about him. He was a reserved, British to the core man with silly Brit humour, and an unshakeable honesty and integrity that would put most men in my life to shame. We didn't talk much, because we were both so reserved. Although he was a workaholic
Today is Wednesday. I don't have any scheduled "must do's" today. A few unscheduled "must do's" and lots of "shoulds" however. I should go for a run, cause I don't have my kids this morning. I should go Christmas shopping because I don't want to wait in line for hours on the weekend. Plus a bunch of other shoulds. One thing I'm not going to do is go for a run. If I was going to do that, I wouldn't be writing this now. I run when I can't unscramble my thoughts. My thoughts are kind of uns
Random thoughts for today: I think I'm finally getting this psychotherapy thing. Particularly my difficulty with transference. I had to be told a few times that Psychoanalysis actively uses transference to experience and work through repressed emotions. I keep asking, "what am I supposed to be talking about - past, present, future?" The answer keeps coming back, "whatever is on your mind at this moment". So it could be any one of the three. Then the most powerful part of the therapy is whe
