About being small and being small

[David O]

ND--- CONGRATS to you sir!!!!

[JulianP]

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[Recluse]

Awesome, good luck with the training situation. I am glad there are prospects for you in terms of employment.

[IrmaJean]

Good day today, secured training at a company, if it works out there could be a job in it. fingers crossed!

Also got an appointment for my op. Legs crossed for that one:eek:

Awesome news, ND!! I am so happy for you! (about the potential job, not the operation ) Good for you!

[nearlydead]

Thanks everyone, I am going in there to do a 12 hour day on monday. I've got to work alongside the guy who's training me for the full 12 hours.

This will be the longest I have been in contact with somebody since september ish 2000, by some 11 hours. I dont know what Im going to talk about, but luckily the machines are very loud. Im totally shitting myself and cant stop thinking about it, and keep getting tremors in my neck.

But Im thinking Bollocks to it, the worst that can happen is that I lose all my fingers in the machine, and the guy thinks Im a wanker. If so I've lost nothing and can just walk away. The upside is it could lead to a job there, or somewhere else. "He Who Dare's, Wins"

[JulianP]

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[malign]

Well, if you're worried he might end up thinking you're a wanker, you could just go ahead and be one from the first word. ;-)

Or, like Julian said, you could just be yourself, and find a new friend.

Or even better, find out that he's the wanker. :-)

It's really great what you're doing, ND. Congratulations.

[IrmaJean]

ND, you are so awesome! I'll echo what everyone else has already said, just be yourself. You're a fun guy. Good luck! I'm sure you'll be just fine. (Keep your fingers safe)

[Recluse]

asdfasdf

[curtailed]

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow too. I have been waiting for this a good month now.

Also, about affirmations: Maybe I can change the size of my penis. Think about it.

[nearlydead]

12 1/2hr shift, 2 hours travelling. Machines are alot more computerised, but these make the job alot easier than it used to be. The job and the problems are still the same, just the computer makes the adjustments instead of myself. Considering how long I have been out of the trade, I was surprised at how easy it was remembering stuff. I think for the first day it went better than I expected. I feel confident that I could be up to speed on the macine in maybe 4 or 5 12hr days.

I got on ok with the guy, no blanks in conversation, but everything is said at a shout anyway.

Could be a possibility of a new machine going in around september. In the meantime they told me tonight that they would be willing to use me for overtime/sickness/holiday cover, and they would give me a job on the new when it arrives:cool: Apparently guys with my background are few and far between down here, which plays in my favour.

All in all, I think it went very great, although my brain is fried taking on alot of new information. They have invited me back in for thursday for another shift, where I will meet another guy.

so feeling pretty pleased with myself. Thanks for all the support guys, its been appreciated.

This link's to the same type of machine.

[IrmaJean]

Of course you are pleased with yourself. This is wonderful, ND! I'm so happy you had a good day. Awesome job. I'll check out the video.

[JulianP]

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[Recluse]

glad to hear the work situation is working out. It is also nice to see that you have a skilled labor position and that your past experience is beneficial to you in the workplace. Because not many have your skills, you probably also have security in that you know they have a new machine that needs to be manned.

Good luck on Thursday as well.

[curtailed]

Ok. Lots of great work been going on the board lately.

My personal Congratulations to everyone and anyone reading.

I, myself, got diagnosed today with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been reading about it vigorously and trying to make sense of how to deal with it. I agree 100% with the diagnosis and I finally understand why I've never felt normal or why I've always had trouble with life on such a deep level. It might make sense to think of a borderline person to be allergic to negative emotions and criticism in all forms.

The more I read, and the more I think about my past, the more I have become convinced that my penis\sexual development is one of the root causes of this disorder... As of now, medication isn't an option for me, but years of psychotherapy are recommended. I guess if any one of you ever gets diagnosed with BPD, or feel like they might have it, I'm here to share feelings.

In short: Things are getting crazier by the minute but I'm loving every second of it

[nearlydead]

Curtailed, congratulations on your diagnosis. I hope that this leads to some answers and affective treatments to manage your condition. Let us know what direction your treatments take, as all of us here have PD of some sort.

At least now you know, why you chose Birmingham;)

All the best, ND

[nearlydead]

David O, and everybody else.

This last week or so I have been looking into self hypnosis. Trying to design a "Trance script" personalised to myself. I have managed to put together a rough draft of the trance script. But seem to break down into uncontrollable laughter trying to record it into my MP3 player. Something about sitting here, recording myself in a deep voice saying "you are under my control, you have a 15" penis, a winning personality, circumcission doen't hurt, and Cameron Diaz is waiting for your call". I've laughed my bollock's off trying to do this.

So I bought a used copy of this:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Change-Your-Life-Seven-Days/dp/059305055X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265202660&sr=1-1

It has an MP3, and has 112 4star customer reviews. I have used the recording starting saturday night, and read a couple of chapters. Seems relaxing, and my mood has been positvie. Might be the book, might be because Im taking positive action, who knows.

Seriously though, this links to a really good hypnosis site, one of the free scripts deals with sex issues. I have modified this to suit me, but due to my recording phobia, I have not recorded it yet.

http://www.hypknowsis.com/H01-Self-Hypnosis.php

It also contains, free induction scripts and trance scripts (becomes clear when you read the site)

David O.

What subjects should I try to incorporate into my homemade trance scripts?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Curtailed,

I want to add my congratulations to your diagnosis. A correct diagnosis can relieve a lot of anxiety because it clarifies issues.

My concern is that, even with the diagnosis you are continuing to view the root of your problems as your penis and penis size. No, that is not the case. Rather, Borderling Personality Disorder may explain why you believe that you have a small penis.

In fact, a diagnosis of BP usually means that a person experienced lots of emotional or physical or both types of abuse and even neglect while growing up.

Was this what happened to you?

Allan

[malign]

ND, if you can make me laugh thousands of miles away with your hypnosis script, maybe being a machinist isn't really your calling. You could write a book, or make hypnosis scripts for others. :-)

But the point is how much healing you get, just from laughing about it. Instead of fearing people might laugh at it.

See if you can line Cameron Diaz up for me, too, okay mate? :-)

[curtailed]

----------------------

[nearlydead]

Hi Curt, Thanks for the hypnosis lead. Dont know anything about this bit torrent stuff, i'll have a look. All I seem to be doing lately is self help stuff.

Only you will be able to answer whether or not you have been abused sexually. Something you should only think about under the direction of a proper analyst, doing this kind of self search on your own might cause you more drama than you can handle efficently.

The humiliation thing could well be a defensive survival strategy. If you have been put in a situation of grave danger, where you have been unable to escape or fight back, then basic survival was the only strategy left open to you. Accepting that humiliation at the time as the only possible survival strategy, has left a vague memory/feeling that humiliation is a good feeling for you, making an association with pleasure. Its up to you to decide if humiliation is your thing or that you want to stop getting turned on by humiliation. Loads of people are into the humiliation thing for all sorts of reasons personal to themselves. If your comfortable with it, no worries. If your not comfortable with it, talk and think it out.

Emotional abuse- you use the words, "hurt, invalidated, laughed at" these are all words of "humiliation". You then further humiliate yourself by stating "am I really that weak" etc. Humiliation seems like a theme for you. A doctor has said you have BPD, its only a label that they can put on a file, indicating a direction of care for you. All mental health labels are a blunt instrument. BPD for you may mean "likes being called names". For another guy it may mean something different. My point is, try not to let the BPD label humiliate you. Only accept humiliation that brings you pleasure, reject all the rest.

Not sure if any of this makes sense, but writing this stuff sort of helps me to work through my own stuff, so thanks for indulging my ramble's. For some reason "external validation" has just popped into my head. Got to go, work tomorrow.

[nearlydead]

Anothe update guys,

Today I have finished my 3rd day training, and going back in on thursday for more, all going great so far. Luckily the noise of the machine stops to many ackward conversations. I have found that my voice is quite horse, a) because other than shouting at the tv and recording hypnosis tapes I havent used it much in the last 10 years, and shouting over the top of the machine.

Got in tonight and checked my email to find I have also got an interview with a company selling holidays from a call centre, minimum wage, but offers plenty of socail interaction with women and people my own age. This would be good to tide me over untill the factory job becomes live, which is where the money is. With money I can join a gym, dive club, and be able to afford social interaction.

On the machine I have developed a noticeable tremor in my neck whenever I am being asked anything by the guy Im working with. He noticed it today, and I said I was tired. I am thinking "does he know Im lying" or "for real" Lying to make up for the gaps in my personal history is taking its toll on my nerves and memory, I come home absolutely knackerd. Hopefully the more practised I get at telling "the story" the better I will feel.

I have been listening to the hypnosis mp3 twice a day, and reading the book that goes with it. The MP3 dwells on change, confidence, and relaxation. My mood has improved, but when I rest, I seem to dwell on all the usual old bull and now some of the new stuff also. New thoughts seem to bring new problems. I still struggle with the "effort Vs reward" thing as well. I have been here before, starting a complete new life again, and it turned out shit then. I have to keep telling myself that "this time is different" because I am aiming to radically change how I see life from what I used to. I dont believe it yet, Im just telling myself its possible (Fake it till you Make it)

So in short, keeping up with household chores, dieting and excercising (not so good) applying for work, training, whining, moaning, frightened, worried, stressed and saying my goodbyes to my Bris:) Cheer's all ND

[Recluse]

sadfsadf

[IrmaJean]

ND, I am so happy to hear that things are going well at training. And now you also have a job interview? This is wonderful, ND. It would be great for you to get yourself out there and be able to socialize. You have so much to offer that others will appreciate.

So you think the tremor is a response to your feeling nervous? Maybe the more you come to believe in yourself, the more confident you will feel, the less this will happen. And now you are making a new story for yourself...from here on out. Keep up the good work, ND. You're doing great!

I feel so ignorant, but what the heck is Bris? :confused:

[IrmaJean]

After I found out the major cause of BPD is abuse in some form, I started thinking about my childhood. The reason I believe my sexuality is the root cause is because I seem to be behaving as if I had been abused. I can't remember clearly anything - but I have vague mental pictures of being forced to do sexual stuff, and also being humiliated about penis size back then. It's something I just can't shake off, and these things would fit in my current emotional state a little too well. A weird combination of sexual humiliation and finding comfort in those humiliating situations is what turns me on... I guess it could be some form of coping mechanism?

Curtailed, I'm so sorry to hear about this happening to you. Sometimes events from our childhood can have a huge impact on us as I'm sure you know. It breaks my heart to know that these painful feelings are so familiar to you that you find comfort in them. None of this should have happened, Curtailed.

This makes it all the more painful to second guess the borderline diagnosis since it reinforces the feelings of shame and unworthiness. Am I really that weak, am I really worthy of the diagnosis, etc.?

As a child it sounds as though you needed to find a way to cope and survive in your environment. This does not make you weak, Curtailed. A diagnosis is just a tool which may be used to understand more about you so that you may find useful ways to make improvements in your life. You are very much an individual and this word does not reflect on who you are as a human being.

I can't remember my parents ever really showing love or affection for me.

I'm sorry to hear this, Curtailed. Every child deserves love and affection.

I often actually imagine situations where I'm with women and the only thing I really ask of them is to hold me tight.

It is a very human need to wish for comfort and gentle affection. I can relate to this feeling as well. It's a feeling of security and safeness and of being loved for the person that you are. And these are things that you wish for and deserve. There are women out there who would support you and love you for who you are.

I have created a kind of "sexual trust" exercise that I have found comforting and somewhat healing. They basically work like this: imagine a situation where you're uncomfortable sexually, and then work the situation from there on. Since it's happening in your brain, you can totally let go and just create an ideal partner. You can trust the partner since it's actually YOU. You're basically imagining having sex on a purely emotional level... It's all about letting go and giving yourself permission to have the experience

And perhaps it offers you permission to accept and embrace yourself as well.

Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly on here, Curtailed. It's very courageous and admirable. I hope you feel better.