Small Penis - One Man's Pain

[lifeless existence]

Each person is an individual. Each person has their own needs and feelings about things.

IrmaJean, I've acknowledged those things here before. I know that not all women will reject a man because he has a small penis and I've said so before. But I also know that there aren't many of them to go around.

If you use the above information and draw a conclusion from it for every individual, you’re dooming yourself without even giving yourself a chance.

I know I've referenced it many times, but I'm going to bring it up again since everyone thinks I'm just basing things off of some misguided opinion. A statistically solid study was done by professors at UCLA and CSU, Los Angeles. A total of 26,437 women of all ages took part in their survey. The women were asked to report their partner's size and rate their satisfaction. Of the women who rated their partner as small, 7 out of 10 weren't satisfied and wished their partner was larger. That's not good news for guys like me. There's no question that I would be rated as small. Do you think those unsatisfied women are just going to stay with those small guys and be unsatisfied for the rest of their lives? Of course they're not, especially when they know that they can easily find an average sized guy to replace them with.

I'm not "dooming myself". My own physical development doomed me. I don't have a chance to give myself. I want someone who will accept me and be satisfied and stick with me in a long term relationship. My penis size alone narrows the pool down to only 3 out of every 10 women. But my small size is just one of multiple unacceptable flaws that I have. Add in the other flaws and that 3 out of 10 becomes 0 out of 10. If I had a normal penis, I could eventually find someone who would accept the other flaws since the dating pool would be so much larger. But when your penis size eliminates so many women right off the bat, everything else about you better be damn near ideal if you want to have any hope left of finding someone.

[malign]

But LE, we have talked about the statistics of this study before. One issue is that it's a simple correlative study: we know only that the women with partners who were smaller were less satisfied.

What we don't know is why.

For instance, if more of the small men than the larger men were insecure about themselves and their sexuality, even if there was no actual reason for that insecurity, it's very possible they would be less satisfying lovers. In other words, even if the penis is measurable smaller than average, the controlling cause for dissatisfaction could very well be the man's attitude rather than his size.

If we were just interchangeable body parts and minds and emotions weren't involved at all, then maybe a simple measurement would tell you your fate. But my experience is that most women love a man, not a penis. Many, if not most, will stay with a man despite all sorts of drawbacks he has (drunks, criminals, and on and on) if only they still love him. And many who leave a man will give a simple answer for why, instead of the more complicated (and possibly more guilt-inducing) answer that they just didn't love him any more.

[lifeless existence]

They weren't asked about their partner's ability or attitude as a lover. It wasn't a sexual satisfaction survey. It was purely a penis size survey. And it's safe to say that if they were satisfied with sexual intercourse with their partner, they wouldn't have said that they were unsatisfied with their partner's size.

You know that I don't believe that most women love a man just for his penis. That doesn't mean it's not a very important body part when it comes to relationships. Statistics show, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that a satisfying sex life is critical to the success of a long term relationship. Obviously, for some women, a penis isn't even necessary for them to have satisfying sex. But those women are the exception rather than the norm.

Many, if not most, will stay with a man despite all sorts of drawbacks he has (drunks, criminals, and on and on) if only they still love him.

You're right, but they're not going to stay with drunks, criminals, and so on if those guys have little dicks too.

[Notdoneyet]

Past experience has shown ME that there are three kinds of people who say "size doesn't matter". One is women who are with men whose attributes are either within the average or, perhaps larger when it comes to penis size. Another is women who are married to a good provider with less than average and their lack of self esteem keeps them fearing they might not do as well financially should they move on.

The last group are MEN such as myself who have come to terms with their lot in life and really don't give a damn if the lady they choose to date cares or not.

[Cece.dedesl]

Past experience has shown ME that there are three kinds of people who say "size doesn't matter". One is women who are with men whose attributes are either within the average or, perhaps larger when it comes to penis size. Another is women who are married to a good provider with less than average and their lack of self esteem keeps them fearing they might not do as well financially should they move on.

The last group are MEN such as myself who have come to terms with their lot in life and really don't give a damn if the lady they choose to date cares or not.

Size matters to some people but more often than not, it's not size, it's a sexual satisfaction issue. Size can be overcome with effort and a positive attitude. Just as men with impotency issues manage to find other ways to satisfy their partners. Communication is the key. As embarrassing as it may be both for both of you to discuss. I was in my mid 30's before I felt comfortable discussing likes and dislikes with a partner. It's awkward to us too.

I've read a lot of posts by men in this forum who believe their relationships have failed simply because of their penis. That they are alone simply because of their penis. If the majority of women out there so penis obsessed then why do women stay with or date men who are impotent? I would think a small working penis would outrank any size non working penis. Oh, that's right. Women stay because of money and low self esteem, silly me I thought it was because of love.

[lifeless existence]

Communication is the key. As embarrassing as it may be both for both of you to discuss. I was in my mid 30's before I felt comfortable discussing likes and dislikes with a partner. It's awkward to us too.

Yeah, I guess if a small guy is in a relationship he might as well go ahead and discuss his size concerns with her. After all, she's just gonna tell everyone in town how small he is when she dumps him anyway. We've seen those stories posted here a bunch of times. I've seen them repeated a bunch of times on some other sites too. And people wonder why we're too scared to try again with another woman. You treat them with nothing but love and respect, support them through the good and the bad, do everything in your power to satisfy them sexually, and then, knowing full well it's going to ruin your life forever, they run out and blab it to everyone. But it's the men who are pigs, right?

I don't give up, regardless of my disappointments in the past I know I'll find a good man and be happy.

If you knew that you had more bad attributes than good ones (like me), you wouldn't feel the same way.

[Cece.dedesl]

Yeah, I guess if a small guy is in a relationship he might as well go ahead and discuss his size concerns with her. After all, she's just gonna tell everyone in town how small he is when she dumps him anyway. We've seen those stories posted here a bunch of times. I've seen them repeated a bunch of times on some other sites too. And people wonder why we're too scared to try again with another woman. You treat them with nothing but love and respect, support them through the good and the bad, do everything in your power to satisfy them sexually, and then, knowing full well it's going to ruin your life forever, they run out and blab it to everyone. But it's the men who are pigs,

If you knew that you had more bad attributes than good ones (like me), you wouldn't feel the same way.

I've had my own body issues. I was diagnosed with fibrocystic breast disease as a teenager. My breast look like a 40 year olds when I was in my 20's. My age has caught up to the sagging now so it doesn't matter much anymore. I know it's not the same as a man's penis but women do put a lot of value on their breasts and being young it was earth shattering not to be able to go braless with my friends and having to buy underwire lingerie and swim wear just to hide it constantly. I hated getting naked with the lights on and panicked every time a man searched out my nipples during sex and they were pointing down instead of up.

Communication is key. You have to discuss it. Neither men or women are mind readers.

Big mouths run in both genders. It's horrible. You've said you're exes have left you because of a small penis. It certainly doesn't cast them as wonderful, caring women. Men say their exes had loose hoo haws, saggy breasts, etc... I think it's a coping mechanism to deal with the pain of a failed relationship. The worse they make their partner look, the better they feel and they can walk away w/o accepting any personal responsibility for the relationship ending. Pitiful but we can't change bad behavior in others. We can only change our behavior.

[lifeless existence]

I've had my own body issues. I was diagnosed with fibrocystic breast disease as a teenager. My breast look like a 40 year olds when I was in my 20's. My age has caught up to the sagging now so it doesn't matter much anymore. I know it's not the same as a man's penis but women do put a lot of value on their breasts and being young it was earth shattering not to be able to go braless with my friends and having to buy underwire lingerie and swim wear just to hide it constantly. I hated getting naked with the lights on and panicked every time a man searched out my nipples during sex and they were pointing down instead of up.

As bad as that was for you, having gone through that can actually help you right now with your boyfriend. The way that situation made you feel.....it's pretty similar to how he feels about his penis. You can draw from your experience to help you better understand what he's dealing with, and that will give you a clearer picture about how to support him.

[Jessie]

The reason I think people get angry and sensitive here is due to the marked difference between advice and reality.

Imagine you were a black man who as a child was told there is no racism.

Then as you were growing up you experienced racist abuse, mockery, ridicule.

And as an adult you were discriminated against and shunned.

And them somebody says to you - 'there is no racism'- 'stop looking for the negatives all the time!'

Its bound to get a less than favourable reaction.

In my life I have had other guys ridicule me and of my 4 sex partners, 3 made disparaging remarks (not nastily- it just came out) and one refused to admit it was an issue but her text messages to her friends told a different story (apparently I lack 'girth')

All 4 dumped me although I did my best to pretend to be confident and tried my best in and out of the bedroom.

Im 28 now and its been 3 years since my last sexual experience- and I'm not too hopeful of a fulfilling relationship.

Even if I found somebody willing to overlook the issue I would feel guilty I was robbing them of one of life's basic pleasures and needs.

Yes, like many here I have contemplated suicide- last year was particularly difficult as 2 of my best friends got married- for some reason that really hurt even though I should have been happy for them.

I wish I could offer something positive here- glad to know there is at 2 girls out of several billion who wont ridicule or decry the less fortunate/ inadequate.

[Notdoneyet]

Jessie, if you are doing without sex it's on you and not on whomever found displeasure with your junk.

I know it to be a fact that there are plenty of single women who are in the game and aren't looking for marriage.

I manage to get dates and I'm a hell of a lot older than you and can assure you that I'm not particularly good looking.

I do manage to make enough money to live comfortably and since my ex and I split I've had plenty of dates with many of the gals several times.

Committing suicide has never been a consideration for me and I'm surprised others would consider it regardless of their handicap.

[Jessie]

Notdone,

For me to enjoy sex I absolutely have to think/believe they are enjoying to some extent.

The idea of me having sex and the girl thinking-"ugh this is awful- he's tiny' actually makes me feel bilious.

Thats one reason why I would never consider prostitution etc

Im sorry about the suicide reference- I know its cropped up in previous posts- I suppose its vain and silly.

I know there are people with worse disabilities than a small penis- I dunno, it just upsets me so much and I dont really know why.

Maybe its because I have heard society, media and women speak of small guys in terms of revulsion and abhorrence- and its kind of seeped into me?

[lifeless existence]

I'm the same way, Jessie. Their enjoyment was always more important to me than my own. I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore. It's been ages already and it's doubtful that I'll ever get to have sex again. I barely even remember what it feels like. I thought as time went by, I would get used to living without contact and it would get easier to have to go without....boy was I ever wrong.

Great first post, by the way. I couldn't think of a better way to explain why the anger and sensitivity rear their heads here so often. We've had a few women chime in here who truly wouldn't be bothered by our size and really want us to not feel so hopeless, but those women just don't understand how atypical they are. They don't realize how different they are from the majority of women. And when they imply that what we're saying simply isn't true and there's plenty of women out there who will accept us.....kaboom. We know better. We've lived the rejection over and over again.

Welcome to the forum.

[jk1972]

Committing suicide has never been a consideration for me and I'm surprised others would consider it regardless of their handicap.

For some of us suicide is pretty much the only solution. Whats the point of going on when its hopeless and its only going to get worse .

Death solves all problems

[lifeless existence]

I wouldn't say that death solves the problems, it just puts an end to the problems when there is no solution for them. It's definitely one of only two options for me, the other option being to exist in loneliness and pain until I die of natural causes. Between my small penis and all the other stuff wrong with me, things aren't going to get any better and there's no way I'm going to go on feeling like this for 30, 40, 50 more years or possibly even longer. I only have a few remaining family members and when there's no one left to be devastated by my death, I'm checking out. I've been feeling extra guilty because in a moment of anger over my hopeless situation, I let it slip to my father that that's my plan. He worries himself sick over it all the time now. I'm such a piece of shit. I've fucked everything up from the day I was born. I turn on the news every day and see that a car accident killed a guy who had a wife and small child at home or a soldier was killed, also with a wife and child at home, and it just pisses me off so much. Those guys have a reason to be here and people who need them. I'm nothing. Why can't it be me who dies in place of one of them?

[Jessie]

I think my mum and dad already know my predicament so they have never pressurised me about why I am single etc.

When I'm flaccid I virtually have no shaft so when I was a kid my parents must have noticed- my father doesn't have this problem.

I have a feeling that my 1st girlfriend, who was a family friend may have confided in my mum or sister- there was definitely an emotional conversation amongst them prior to our splitting up and they were evasive afterwards. I guess they know Im not a 'grower' huh.

So they have never suspected Im gay or anything- its just one of theses things we don't talk about.

I would never indicate I have had suicidal fantasies- I would never do that to them. Seriously you should find a way to put your dads mind at rest...

[gone]

For me to enjoy sex I absolutely have to think/believe they are enjoying to some extent.

Gotta agree with this. Especially if you're in a long term relationship or married. The thought of her just laying there calmly, patiently waiting while I finish is the ultimate embarrassment.

John

[IrmaJean]

I spent a lot of time in this area of the forum some years ago. I know there is a lot of anger and frustration and pain here. I do also see a lot of cognitive distortions. That is not to deny or minimize anyone's pain. I would never want to do that.

How would any of you support a friend who was struggling with these painful feelings about himself? What might help? What would you suggest to be supportive of that person?

[Jessie]

Dear Irma,

Im flat out of ideas- hence being here and feeling so low.

What do you say to guy who has been rejected by women over something he cannot do anything about?

or to a guy who is in relationship but is aware he is unable to give her something that she craves and that she can get from most other men?

(Ive been in both situations and im not sure which situation is worse actually...)

[Notdoneyet]

I spent a lot of time in this area of the forum some years ago. I know there is a lot of anger and frustration and pain here. I do also see a lot of cognitive distortions. That is not to deny or minimize anyone's pain. I would never want to do that.

How would any of you support a friend who was struggling with these painful feelings about himself? What might help? What would you suggest to be supportive of that person?

Have no idea how somebody who doesn't share this problem either because of their good fortune or the fact that they are incapable of having it, would offer support.

My way of support is through my rather unpopular posts that I have chosen to reveal my way of coping.

Although perhaps not for everybody, it has worked for me and is a far better alternative than suicide.

[Cece.dedesl]

Have no idea how somebody who doesn't share this problem either because of their good fortune or the fact that they are incapable of having it, would offer support.

My way of support is through my rather unpopular posts that I have chosen to reveal my way of coping.

Although perhaps not for everybody, it has worked for me and is a far better alternative than suicide.

I can't speak for others who post who do not have this problem but I posted to try and help. I felt as a woman I could point out a few things that perhaps men did not realize or perhaps overlook. At the very least, I thought a female perspective may be valued by the men given my personal experiences on the subject.

1. Not all woman care about size. There are a lot more us than you think. Insinuating most woman need and/or want size would be like me insinuating all men are unfaithful because I've experienced being cheated on a few times. Or worse yet convincing myself that there are only a a handful of men in the world who aren't cheaters.

2. Sex isn't the most important aspect of a relationship. Intercourse typically lasts 15-20 minutes. Even if you were lucky enough to find a woman who wanted sex daily, it would make up approximately an hour and 20 minutes a week. You spend more time watching one movie with a partner than you spend having sex.

3. Men put a much higher value and importance on sex than women do. I have tons of friends. The men complain they don't get it enough and women complain men want it too much.

3. There are a lot of other ways to satisfy women. Manual manipulation, oral, toys, etc... Most importantly, women are aroused mentally. As Piers Morgan said on his talk show, men washing dishes IS foreplay for a woman. Meaning that our attachment and arousal is based on the whole relationship. We want a partner in life not just a partner in bed.

4. Most women are naturally compassionate and caring. Open lines of honest communication will usually be met with honest communication. Discussing your fears, asking for understanding, asking for feedback during intimate situations will overcome a lack a sexual satisfaction and create a bond between you and your partner.

5. Age and maturity are factors. Younger women and men usually lack the maturity to openly discuss sex with one another. Men lack the ability to vulnerable with women. They feel they will lose their "man card" if they show emotion or discuss a perceived weakness. Reality is, it draws women to men when they do.

Young women have little understanding how their bodies work. I personally didn't have my first intercourse orgasm until I was 25. If you don't understand or know what makes you orgasm, you can't explain it to a partner.

6. Every sexual relationship is different. Just because something didn't work in one relationship doesn't mean it won't work in a new one.

I could say more.... And more but unless you guys start recognizing yourself as valuable men instead of defining yourselves by the size of your penis, it's simply going to go in one ear and out the other. Acceptance starts with you.

[lifeless existence]

3. There are a lot of other ways to satisfy women. Manual manipulation, oral, toys, etc...

Having to resort to using toys to satisfy her because your penis isn't good enough to do the job makes you feel like you're not even a man. I always incorporated oral and manual stimulation into sex, but it would be nice to have a penis that does more for a woman than a piece of molded plastic. It only makes it worse knowing that likely all of her previous partners didn't have to resort to toys to satisfy her and any other man she chooses probably won't have to either. There's real men with real penises and then there's us, with sexually worthless pieces of flesh in our pants. It hurts more than I can put into words. Just typing this post has hit me like a freight train.

[Cece.dedesl]

Having to resort to using toys to satisfy her because your penis isn't good enough to do the job makes you feel like you're not even a man. I always incorporated oral and manual stimulation into sex, but it would be nice to have a penis that does more for a woman than a piece of molded plastic. It only makes it worse knowing that likely all of her previous partners didn't have to resort to toys to satisfy her and any other man she chooses probably won't have to either. There's real men with real penises and then there's us, with sexually worthless pieces of flesh in our pants. It hurts more than I can put into words. Just typing this post has hit me like a freight train.

There are a lot of stimulating toys other than dildos if you feel uncomfortable using them. Think of it as spicing up your sex life versus an insult to your manhood. If you truly put your partner first then it should bring you pleasure to pleasure her, regardless of how it gets done.

[Jessie]

Dear Cece

I for one appreciate your comments- the fact that women come here is one reason why I decided to post.

You make some good points- I guess its true that sex neednt be all that important- I was kinda hoping that as I got older I wouldn't mind not having it as much- but its just as painful as when I was younger.

I guess there must be some women that dont care about size somewhere- the trouble is I was very careful to try and pick partners that wouldn't be into size. I always stayed very clear of women that talked about sex a lot, wore short skirts, had a lot of boyfriends, had lots of confidence etc. And if a women praised big guys or made a small dick joke (happens quite a lot Im afraid) I tried never to even to speak to them, let alone date them.

But the 4 girls I managed to snare clearly couldn't compromise- and its not like Im a micropenis- I'm 4.0 and 4.25 girth- and rock hard- and over the years I have learnt to overcome premature issues.

They were really nice girls and decent people- I wouldn't have dated them otherwise- so how do i continue from here? And since the 4th one i have spent nearly every day researching this- studies, womens blogs, the science of vestibular bulbs and sexual containment- 'being filled' etc.

And then I read how statistically relationships are only long lasting if the sex is good.

Then I hear sexologists like Berman, Fisher, David et al (yeah I done my research) that admit most married women report good sex when their penis is bigger.

So I'm thinking- ok, what do I do- thats one thing I CANNOT alter..

I dont want a sexless marriage, I don't want to be cheated on, I don't think I can bear being dumped for this a 5th time.

I know communication and fingers and intimacy are important etc but cant average guys offer that too dont they?- why would a girl sacrifice satisfying intercourse by staying with me?- I really cannot blame my past girlfriends- in their shoes I rather think I would have done the same.

[Jessie]

Toys---

There was a comedienne who did a skit on this- she said she understood why guys hate this:

Imagine if a guy said to a woman - look - I love you but your body puts me off- your bum is too big and you have a loose xxxxxx.

So would you mind if I make love to this plastic doll with a tight behind and tight xxxxxx whilsl you kiss and stroke me- thanks

Well that exactly how a guy feels when he picks up the dildo....

Average guys and big guys dont need to use dildos.... but if they do its for 'spice' not ' inadequacy'.

[jk1972]

There are a lot of stimulating toys other than dildos if you feel uncomfortable using them. Think of it as spicing up your sex life versus an insult to your manhood. If you truly put your partner first then it should bring you pleasure to pleasure her, regardless of how it gets done.