Would'nt ya know it

[Athena]

The one thing I have learned is mental health is an ongoing battle. We didn't get as bad as we were in a few months nor will we be better in a few.. but we are growing all of us. Remember Athena you were suicidal, I nearly went insane literally. Corv you were hurting so deeply you didn't even feel like writing at times. Others on here so many I can't mention you all by name you all have made such great progress.. I'm proud of us all, proud of this site.

I know when I am hurting you all are here for me. That gives me great comfort. Even when I have doubts about people in general this place reminds me that there are people that care. The honesty, and caring is so heart felt. This place is very unique and special.

I believe it is because of the kind of people this place attracts and who feel welcome here. People who are willing to share their own stories and help others with their problems. I wish there was an easy solution to mental health issues. Just when I think I've almost licked them, I see how much further I have to go. A recent frustration is the incredibly different personality I project here versus in real life. If I had to guess who is the real 'me', it would be the one here. The one in the face-to-face world is buried behind layers of armour and if anybody gets too close, she just freezes up.

[58corvette]

Random; Again Thank You So Much For Being Spot On About Our Issues & How We Have Handled & Dealt With Them.

And Athena; Your Own Truthfulness & Insight is Appreciated As Well.

I Continue To Struggle Daily With My Issues; But I Must Say Having You Both Here & Responding Allows me Some Form Of Comfort.

Yesterday I Filled Out More Job Apps. & Well it is Like A Routine That Just Gets OLD. Athena I Think You Mentioned About Being Bored & Not Real Motivated With Something That Doesn't Inspire You. Such As Certain Jobs.

Many Times I Read Your Post Athena & You Make Me Look Real Hard At Myself. I Think Do To My Own Trust Issues I Have A Tendency Myself To Push People Away.

I Have Enjoyed Getting To Know My Daughter Again & Her Loyalty, Drive, Love & Commitment is Truly Amazing.

As For Her Boyfriend & His Teenage Daughter; Well Time Will Tell. But I Don't Trust Them Or Feel Comfortable Around Them. Just A Gut Feeling. But This Is A Circumstance & Situation I Must Steer Clear & Fact is I Would Be Homeless Otherwise.

But I Feel This Guy Is Self Serving & He Likes To Be In Charge & Is Never Wrong. Always "DOING" For Others (And He Would Be The First To Tell You That) But No One Does For Him & He Wouldn't Allow It Anyway; Or So He Thinks.

But I Must Keep My Cool with Him & Continue To Try To Focus On Myself & Getting My Own Life Straightened Out Again. Than Maybe Someday From A Distance I Can Give My Daughter Some Advise & Insight Without Seeming Judgemental.

I Truly Hope It Works Out For Her with This Guy. But She Is Young Still & This Guy is in His 40's. Maybe It Will. But She Needs To Be Prepared Just In Case.

That was The Nice Part When I Did Live Alone. I Could Be Myself & Not Worry About Living With Others & Visa-Versa. But Again I Put Myself Here & I Am Grateful. But I Know I Can Never Repay This Dude. It's Just His Personality.

That's Why I Don't Deal With My Mom Or Brother Anymore As Well. I Get So Tired Of People Who THINK They Always Do For Others But No One Does For Them. Which Isn't True But In There Mind It is How They See Things.

These Type Of People Are Venom To Me. There Memories Are Always A One Way Street.

Oh Well; I Have Rambled Again; Now Back To Reality & My Own Small World.

[Athena]

Hi Jim,

Hope your day went OK today. I really have nothing to say today, just wanted to let you know somebody was listening.

[58corvette]

Hello Athena;

I Appreciate The Thought.

My Day is Going Along......................

Hope You Have A Good Day As Well....

Sincerely; Jim

[randomperson]

A lot of people on here I still think about just so much has happened in between I don't have a chance to post in their threads or know what to say now. Jim please don't think your rambling, your not. Only people that really don't care say others are rambling when they talk about what is hurting them... and you know what that is their problem and has to do with their over interest in themselves lol.

To bad you not close by I would hire you to help me with some of my problems.. mom really could use someone to help during the day while I'm at work. Two birds with one stone as they say

Athena don't worry about the thick skin outside of here.. people are mean. I have been hurt so much, so deeply. I'm still like this in person as well.. but personally I think I'm a little crazy for being so open haha. People don't know how to react for one.. tend to get hurt over and over and over. What I am saying it is ok to be thick skinned until you truly know you can trust someone. Saves you from being hurt as much.

[58corvette]

Thanx Random & As Always Appreciate Your Understanding as Well. For Me I Have Some Job Offers Finally. Now I Just Have To Figure My Transportation without Getting In Trouble. It's A Double Edge Sword Here In California At Times.

But Again I Need To just try My Best To Take Everything Day To Day without Overthinking, Having Anxiety & Becoming More Depressed With Myself & My Situation.

[Athena]

Job offers - yeahhhh! Good for you Jim. A step in the right direction. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[randomperson]

Congrats!! You will find a way, have total confidence in you.

[58corvette]

Athena & Random; Thank You

I Guess I Need To Start Believing In Something Again, Have Confidence & Try To Move Forward.

I Just Dont Know What's Going To Happen As Far As Transportation & It Is Laying Heavy On My Mind.

I Hate Being Poor, Out Of Money, Out Of Smokes, Owing The Government, Relying On Others. Just A Helpless Feeling. And I Slowly Put Myself In This Deep Mud Hole.

Now Hopefully With Some Luck, Willpower & help From Wherever I Can Start Crawling Out & Start Some Type Of New Life For Myself.

We Shall See.......................................

[randomperson]

I understand. There are many things I can think of that might help but I am sure you have already thought about them.

I'm learning there is always going to be worries, things out there that can wreck everything. We just have to try to focus on the solutions and positive things as much as we can. I say this to myself more than anyone as it is one of the things I need to do but struggle with the most right now myself.

.. things actually seem to be better for all 3 of us. We all went through some very tough stuff. I hoping, praying each one of us is seeing the end of the heavy storms. I almost sigh a breath of relief that we each made it through what we did. Battered and bruised but still standing. Something to be proud of.

[58corvette]

Yes Random I Agree. Basically when People Including Us Come Onto this Site Initially it is Out Of Desperation & Last Resort.

To Find Others & be Able To Communicate, Relate, And Hopefully Move Forward is Always Refreshing & Hopeful.

I Went To "The Interview"; Yesterday (My Twin Son Took Me) Transportation .

Anyway it was Me & About 40 other People for Minimum Wage Job Openings Coming Up.

After Filling Out A Ton Of Material Online Before Going To "INTERVIW"; We Had To Do The Same Thing & MORE Over Again in Paper. Along With Two Separate Test.

The Whole Process Took About An Hour & Half. You Basically Signed Your Life Away. And All This Just To See If You "Qualify & They MAY Want You.

It is Just A Sad State Of Affairs Today To Me. That You Along With So Many Others Of ALL Races, Backgrounds, Gender & Ages Have To Go Through Such A Process & So Many Hoops Just To MAYBE Qualify To WORK!!!

I Don't Know I Think This Country Along with Many Parts Of The World Is MISSING Something. It Is Discouraging Just To Get Something To MAYBE Survive.

People Need HOPE, Optimism & Reason. Part Of It I Have Put Myself Into This Situation. But Man it is Just Getting Ridiculous & Out Of Hand.

I See Some Things That Have Gone On Around The World Recently & Just Wonder What's Going ON?

I Know Sometimes Instead Of Being Part Of The Problem I Need To Figure Out Part Of The Solution. Just Hasn't Come Over Me; YET!!!

[Athena]

Hi Jim,

Well, at least there's a chance, some hope. Maybe you will want to follow up in a week and see where they are at. It may help you stand out. A lot of others may get discouraged and not bother. Don't give up. Something will come along if you are persistent and maybe a little creative. For my last job just coming out of the '91 recession (at that time we had a much worse real estate crash than the U.S.) I had three months of training, I sent 25 letters out and did five walk ins and got two job offers. Most of the jobs were unadvertised. It was a commission sales job but they gave you 12 months salary until you built up a client base. I believe companies are always looking for salespeople because without them, there are NO SALES and no company.

Just some thoughts. Hopefully some of them will help.

[58corvette]

Thanx Athena; I along with Everyone else were told to Call Back In A Week to see how we did. So I Will do that.

And I Know it is Part Of A Weeding Out Process. Just Sad to me for Minimum Wage. As I Said I Know it is Part My Fault for Being in This predicament & Situation To Begin With.

I'm Trying my Best Lately Not to Regret Things; But the fact is I Am. Again After working 30+ yrs. At Mostly Labor Work & Not Good Wages I'm TIRED; I'm Tired Of Doing Work That I Just Have No Incentive & Making Menial Amount Of Money.

I Worked My Way Up In EVERY Job I Have Done & Proved Myself. For That I Am PROUD.

I Made decent Money At Glass Plant & It Was Blood, Sweat & Tears. While Supporting My Ex & Three Young Children. Then I Worked My Way Up The Ladder Made Good Money & Benefits While Again Supporting My Ex & Three Kids & Completing My Child Support While Losing Everything In Divorce. And Than Getting Shafted By New Principal At The End.

So On To Another State & My Casino Work Where Again I Worked Myself Up & Proved Myself. This Time With No Family Or Friends & Living Alone. Calls From My Children, Desperation From My Oldest Son & My Dad's Deteriorating Condition Brought Me Back.

Now I Have NOTHING. My Twins Give Me Hope & I Am Proud Of Them. And My Twin Son is Basically Doing It ALL On His Own.

My Twin Daughter; Well After Living Here The Past 4 Months & Seeing This Guy (Her 40 Something yr. Old Boyfriend) Control Everything About Her Life. It Wont Work. But I Have To Keep My Mouth Shut.

She Cant Even Talk To Me Alone For More Than A Minute Without This Guy Coming Over & Rudely Butting In Or Requesting Her Assistance For Some Ridiculous Thing.

Both My Sons & Ex See This & Know it as Well with this Guy. But she will Have To Learn & See it On Her Own. He Is Self Centered, Egotistical, Power & Control Freak & Knows It All.

He is The Same way with his 16yr. Old Daughter. Very Controlling. Yet This is A Guy That met MY Daughter When She was 17yrs. Old & Managed To Take Her Away From A Teenage Boyfriend She Had At The Time. He was around 40yrs. at the Time. Just Going Through his Own Divorce.

I Believe My Daughter Was Looking For Somewhat of A Father Figure at The Time. Yes I wasn't Around. Convenient For Him As Well. His Two Kids Can Do No Wrong. My Two Boys Have Problems. The Savior To My Daughter. This Dude is Something.

I Just Feel Down The Road My Daughter is In For A Wake-Up Call Of Her Own. And That's Sad; Cause She's A Good Loyal, Hard Working Young Lady Who Means Well. This Guy Puts On One Big Front & I See Right Through It.

But Again. Here I Am. Need To Figure Out My Own Life & Get Back On My Own Two Feet. I Just need To Continue To Keep My COOL, My MOUTH SHUT & Opinions To Myself As Long as I Am Here & Around This Guy.

[Athena]

I Worked My Way Up In EVERY Job I Have Done & Proved Myself. For That I Am PROUD.

I Made decent Money At Glass Plant & It Was Blood, Sweat & Tears. While Supporting My Ex & Three Young Children. Then I Worked My Way Up The Ladder Made Good Money & Benefits While Again Supporting My Ex & Three Kids & Completing My Child Support While Losing Everything In Divorce. And Than Getting Shafted By New Principal At The End.

So On To Another State & My Casino Work Where Again I Worked Myself Up & Proved Myself. This Time With No Family Or Friends & Living Alone. Calls From My Children, Desperation From My Oldest Son & My Dad's Deteriorating Condition Brought Me Back.

I know you are tired and jaded and don't want to go back to something meaningless, but yes, you can be proud that you did work your way up in the past and you know you can do it again. I understand if you don't want to at the moment (I'm in the same place) but I think you know that you CAN do it when you are really ready and put your mind to it.

My Twin Daughter; Well After Living Here The Past 4 Months & Seeing This Guy (Her 40 Something yr. Old Boyfriend) Control Everything About Her Life. It Wont Work. But I Have To Keep My Mouth Shut.

She Cant Even Talk To Me Alone For More Than A Minute Without This Guy Coming Over & Rudely Butting In Or Requesting Her Assistance For Some Ridiculous Thing.

Both My Sons & Ex See This & Know it as Well with this Guy. But she will Have To Learn & See it On Her Own. He Is Self Centered, Egotistical, Power & Control Freak & Knows It All.

He is The Same way with his 16yr. Old Daughter. Very Controlling. Yet This is A Guy That met MY Daughter When She was 17yrs. Old & Managed To Take Her Away From A Teenage Boyfriend She Had At The Time. He was around 40yrs. at the Time. Just Going Through his Own Divorce.

But Again. Here I Am. Need To Figure Out My Own Life & Get Back On My Own Two Feet. I Just need To Continue To Keep My COOL, My MOUTH SHUT & Opinions To Myself As Long as I Am Here & Around This Guy.

I think you'd be doing your daughter a favour if you moved on so that you can tell her what your concerns are in no uncertain terms. Google "Emotional Abuse" and print it off for her in the meantime. No doubt there will be some recognizable traits. I was shocked to see how closely my ex resembled the description of an abuser. Maybe you should set a deadline for yourself, say a year and a half - end of 2012 at the latest to be living elsewhere so you are not giving your daughter a reason to hang around this guy. Just start thinking about what has to change for you to be out of there by then if not sooner. I did something like that a couple of months ago and it has certainly focussed me. But then again I was in rather a bad mood at the time so it was a bit of a game of chicken with myself, as in: "what if you knew you were going to kick the bucket at that time unless something changed?" But hey, if that works for you, why not - after all, we really don't know how long we're going to be on this earth anyway so we'd better get a move on.

[randomperson]

Sorry that things are still so tough for you my friend. In our area jobs are just now starting to open up again. In fact there is an IT position open where I am at. As your your situation with your daughter, I'm sorry. I know it has to be hard for you. I really don't understand why jerks seem to get the kindest sweetest women around and decent guys are avoided so much. I simply don't get it. The world seems so backwards now. Common sense solutions to life seem impossible in a world where ego rules supreme.

Love, living should be so much easier.. would be so much easier if everyone was open, honest, and cared about each other.

It is so easy to get things working like they should.. but society makes it so tough.

To live you need to make money, so how do you do that you sell something.. be it a service or product. Easy right?.. but then you have to set up a company to do that with a fee to set up.. ok no problem. Then you get charged taxes on the product, the business, your profit.. all on something that you hope will work and that people want.

To find love you need to simply find someone that cares back.. simple right?

Then you have society putting all these useless rules in place that everyone looks at. Has to be within a certain age, certain looks or your considered untouchable.. oh and don't forget the unspoken dating rules everyone has in place 90% are different for different people. No one will be open with who they are, even give you a chance this day in time unless you are deemed worthy by the standards pop culture sets. Standards that are meaningless and tend to lead to long term problems.

sigh.. but at least there are people that care in the world. Lot of us.

..and deep down I do believe even the shallow cold hearted people have a touch of humanity left in them.

Corv I tried to send you a message but you have messaging turned off. So I will say it here if you need anything let me know.

[58corvette]

Athena & Random; As Always Thanx For Your Thoughts, Insights, Advice, Concern & Understanding.

I Honestly Hope My Daughter & Her Boyfriend Find happiness & True Mutual Love when all is Said & Done. But My Concerns Come As Both A Father & Casual Observer. Obviously My Daughter Is No Angel Herself. But This Guy Does Have A Rather large Ego, Power & Control Tendencies.

Eventually This Will Come Into Play Down The Road As My Daughter Matures, Joins The Workforce & Continues To Establish Her Own Identity.

As For Myself I Continue To Figure Out My Own Path. As We All Know Relationships Can Be Complicated & Also Quite Personal.

I Myself See Views From Others That Don't Show or Explain The "Whole Picture". And May or May Not make it Seem To Others One Person is Completely At Fault for Not Accepting Or Understanding The Other. When in Reality The Others Point of View Paints A Completely Different Story Or Put's More Of A Wider Picture to The Complexity Of Two People, Their Personal Situation Or Feelings About One Another.

That Being Said I Must Continue To Focus On Myself The Best I Can without Allowing Myself To Respond To A Very PERSONAL & What Should Remain Confidential Agreement & Understanding Amongst Myself & Another Without Bringing Others In & Mudslinging, Anger & Hard Feelings are The End result.

I Learned A Valuable Lesson Years Ago. That Sometimes Your Intent With Another Person May be Well Intended due to Your Own Misunderstanding Or Hurt Feeling; But By Expressing Yourself To Others Improperly; You Unintentionally Continue To Push That Person Further Away.

Enough Said; For Now......................................

[randomperson]

I heard something from a movie that hit me hard.

A man can't run from his own story.

That has what I have done my whole life and because of it I have essentially let others who did not have my best interests in mind control it and make a mess of things. Time to stop that. It is not too late to enjoy life at least in spurts. Time for me to stop running, stop being the co-star in my own life.

God help me have brains and courage enough to do it.

[Athena]

I heard something from a movie that hit me hard.

A man can't run from his own story.

That has what I have done my whole life and because of it I have essentially let others who did not have my best interests in mind control it and make a mess of things.

Yes, this hits a nerve for me too. I was thinking a lot today about what I told the last mental health professional I had my head examined by. She asked what my number one complaint was. I replied "Persecution". The reason why I was thinking about it today is that a situation involving a wretched individual from my past (besides my ex) came back to haunt me today. Anyway, kind of a 'no good deed goes unpunished' story. All we can do is learn to recognize the people we should not help as they will simply use our kindness against us sooner or later.

[58corvette]

True & Good Stuff Random & Athena.

I Think To A Large Degree I Have Let My Own Life Get A Bit Out Of Control To The Point I Have Little Or No Control Of It Any More At This Time.

I Can & Should Change That. Right now Im Down To My Last Three Dollars & Have Reverted to Smoking Coffee Grinds For Tobacco. I Know Sounds Bad & It Is. But It's Something Since I Have Had That Addiction as well for over 35 yrs.

I Passed the Two Test For this Minumum Wage Job & Now I Must wait & Call Again As they are Now Doing My Background & Credit Check. Im Sorry Just To Much B.S. & Loopholes to Go Through for A Frigging Simple Job Nowadays.

This Country & This World is Really Starting To Trip Me Out & Get Me More Down Lately. Just Seems Like Our Government & People Generally Dont Care Or Are Inspired Much For Or About Others Lately. Just All About "OURSELVES".

I Know Part Of It Is My Own Life At This Point; Which Pretty Much Sucks. But I Also Know From What I Read & See In The World Around Me it's Doesn't Seem to be getting any better anytime Soon.

Ya I Have Been A Co-Star in My Own Life For Sure. At Some Point I Need To Take Responsibility For Myself Again & Try To Find Good Reason & Direction to Live What's Left Of My Life.........................................

[Athena]

True & Good Stuff Random & Athena.

I Think To A Large Degree I Have Let My Own Life Get A Bit Out Of Control To The Point I Have Little Or No Control Of It Any More At This Time.

I Can & Should Change That. Right now Im Down To My Last Three Dollars & Have Reverted to Smoking Coffee Grinds For Tobacco. I Know Sounds Bad & It Is. But It's Something Since I Have Had That Addiction as well for over 35 yrs.

Interesting that you mention lack of control and then an addiction right after. I was just thinking about my own self destructive addictions which I have partially explained as attempts to exert control over my uncontrollable life.

This Country & This World is Really Starting To Trip Me Out & Get Me More Down Lately. Just Seems Like Our Government & People Generally Dont Care Or Are Inspired Much For Or About Others Lately. Just All About "OURSELVES". I Know Part Of It Is My Own Life At This Point; Which Pretty Much Sucks. But I Also Know From What I Read & See In The World Around Me it's Doesn't Seem to be getting any better anytime Soon.

Personally, I have taken to 'burying my head in the sand'. I know it won't make the problems go away, but I have enough of my own and I don't care to throw the rest of the world's problems on my shoulders too - particularly because there's not a damn thing I can do about them. I barely read the newspaper anymore. A friend turned my TV to the news channel the other day. I felt like leaving the room. Next time I will. Way too many triggers.

Ya I Have Been A Co-Star in My Own Life For Sure. At Some Point I Need To Take Responsibility For Myself Again & Try To Find Good Reason & Direction to Live What's Left Of My Life.........................................

This is the hardest part, to me. And it is so, so hard to explain to others who are generally content with their lives. Today, I was in a bad place and in my efforts not to sink to the headspace I was in not too long ago, I remembered something Malign said a while back, to the effect that 'as long as you're still alive, there is still a chance things can change for the better.'

Good luck with the job. And with your recovery. I feel for you.

[Endlessnight]

I heard something from a movie that hit me hard.

A man can't run from his own story.

That has what I have done my whole life and because of it I have essentially let others who did not have my best interests in mind control it and make a mess of things. Time to stop that. It is not too late to enjoy life at least in spurts. Time for me to stop running, stop being the co-star in my own life.

God help me have brains and courage enough to do it. [/quote

Random, when I read that, it hit me hard too. For most of my life i've opted out of it, not been present in it, if that makes sense. I also bury my head in the sand, as Athena said. Now, 'waking up' at 55 years of age I realise I have no identity except that I have been given by others.

I am so happy that you have realised it's not too late to enjoy your life, even if only 'in spurts', and I hope some day to be able to say the same about my own.

Random, Athen, Jim....I wish you all happiness and hope and pray that you will find it. Take care, M.

[randomperson]

I heard something from a movie that hit me hard.

A man can't run from his own story.

That has what I have done my whole life and because of it I have essentially let others who did not have my best interests in mind control it and make a mess of things. Time to stop that. It is not too late to enjoy life at least in spurts. Time for me to stop running, stop being the co-star in my own life.

God help me have brains and courage enough to do it. [/quote

Random, when I read that, it hit me hard too. For most of my life i've opted out of it, not been present in it, if that makes sense. I also bury my head in the sand, as Athena said. Now, 'waking up' at 55 years of age I realise I have no identity except that I have been given by others.

I am so happy that you have realised it's not too late to enjoy your life, even if only 'in spurts', and I hope some day to be able to say the same about my own.

Random, Athen, Jim....I wish you all happiness and hope and pray that you will find it. Take care, M.

Thank you for such a kind post

[randomperson]

This Country & This World is Really Starting To Trip Me Out & Get Me More Down Lately. Just Seems Like Our Government & People Generally Dont Care Or Are Inspired Much For Or About Others Lately. Just All About "OURSELVES".

I Know Part Of It Is My Own Life At This Point; Which Pretty Much Sucks. But I Also Know From What I Read & See In The World Around Me it's Doesn't Seem to be getting any better anytime Soon.

Ya I Have Been A Co-Star in My Own Life For Sure. At Some Point I Need To Take Responsibility For Myself Again & Try To Find Good Reason & Direction to Live What's Left Of My Life.........................................

There are a lot of mean people your right, heard the riots in the uk were just the young drunk "party" types that seem to dominate society now and cause so much trouble and corruption rioting for what? Just to 'have fun' and because others are. Sad.

At the same time this site made me realize we are not nearly as alone as we thought.. I have started to open my eyes to that and see the truth.

Even the mean people could change.. doubt they will but we are all so alike.. so much alike. We could all go bad too if we had a streak of things happen and made that horrible mental choice. But in the end it is our choice. Life is a long gray line good and bad often blur it moves so fast but we choose our path, our destiny. We choose to be good or evil.

For me I ran from my past and by doing that missed my future. Now I have had my eyes open to the present and it is like a brave new world to me. I understand what everyone is saying. Nothing is certain but we have to learn to love without fear, live like we have something to live for, and forgive.. most of all forgive. Forgive others that have scarred us and forgive ourselves for our short comings and for events in the past that we can no longer change.

[Athena]

For me I ran from my past and by doing that missed my future. Now I have had my eyes open to the present and it is like a brave new world to me. I understand what everyone is saying. Nothing is certain but we have to learn to love without fear, live like we have something to live for, and forgive.. most of all forgive. Forgive others that have scarred us and forgive ourselves for our short comings and for events in the past that we can no longer change.

I think that our shortcomings often result from others who have scarred us. Events in the present continue to remind us of events in the past, which we then feel like we are 're-living' and causing us to get traumatized over and over again. We need some kind of re-programming, something that stops the pattern. Perhaps an individual who is good at pointing out when we get triggered and helping us out of that pattern in a helpful, caring, patient and understanding way. Do you have such a person in your life?

[randomperson]

Corv how are you doing? I know you had some stuff coming up