Would'nt ya know it

[58corvette]

Pigeon, Random & Athena; THANK YOU For Your Replies.

I Just Finished Writing A Responce & ONCE AGAIN It Was Lost In This Site's "SPACE DUST".

I Will Just Say For Now Yesterday Was Another Bad Day That Involved My Oldest Son "SURPRISE" And His Drama & Dilemma's He Keeps Putting Himself Into. Than Involves Me & His Siblings.

After Losing That Last Post; A Frustrating Day Yesterday & The Start Of This Day; Ill Try Later To Post More...........

Im TIRED & Just Feeling Worn Out.............

[Endlessnight]

Dear Jim, I want you to know that though I might not respond to your posts all the time, I do read them. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say so I, and I know many others, rather than saying the wrong thing prefer to keep silent.

But please remember you are a good person. Be gentle and kind with yourself as you are with others. I hope and pray you find happiness again soon.

Regarding how to copy...do you know how to highlight your post? If you do, then after highlighting, right click on the post and click 'copy' then, even if you lose the post when trying to submit it, you will be able to simply paste what you have copied. If you need more help with explanations, pm me and i'll be glad to help you.

Take care,

M. (((((hugs)))))

[58corvette]

Thanx M. Again For The Kind Words, Encouragement & Advice (With Saving Post).

Right Now Im Just Tired Of Some Of The Ongoing B. S. & Drama That Surrounds My Life At Times.

I Just May Stay Single (No Marriage) Even Sketchy On Relationships At The Moment For A While. But I Also Know Never To Say Never; Cause Ya Never Know.

And My Oldest Son's Ongoing Anger & Other Issues & Family Disscord Just Wears On Me At Times. I Become Overwhelmed, Frustrated, Saddened & A Bit Depressed.........................AT ALL OF IT!!!!

And I End Up Paying The Price Because Of My Own Battles With LONLINESS. Sometimes It's Just Having A Physical Warm Presence Of A Understanding Woman That I Miss. I Have Trouble Saying That; But it Continues To Be Just Something Missing In My Life & I Know it's Not Something That Happens Overnight Either...........

A Lot Of Years With One Woman & Three Children With This Woman & Than Alone For 7+yrs. Takes It's Toll On Me. But It is Also A Choice I Have Made....

[58corvette]

Made a Few Needed (For Now) Changes; That Allows Me To Continue to Be WHO I AM.

One Important Thing I Learned From Two Years Of Court & The Years Following. Things Are Not Always As They Seem & There Are ALWAYS Two Sides To A Story.

It Took Years For My Children, Friends & Family Of My Ex's To Realise & See The Truth & A More Clear Picture Of What Really Transpired & The True Nature Of Us As Human Beings.

Sometimes We May Feel Stymied, Silent, & With Respect To Others Not Allow For Private Situations(Known To Others) and To Remain Just That; Private. Than People May Start Hearing One Side To An Entire Situation & Not Realise Or Be Aware Of Another.

For This I Will Remain; Myself, Continue To Keep My Dignity & Not Allow Others To Dictate Something That Is Both Personal & Private. Simply Out Of Misunderstanding & Emotions....................

[Athena]

Jim,

There are always several sides to the story.

But at the end of the day, it all gets worked out and we have to MOVE ON and leave it in the past. You need to find a way to put it in the past. Your ex and son seem to keep pulling you back into it. Is the spousal and child support not over? Your kids are grown up. Your ex has a good education and job. How the hell do they have the power to keep dragging you back into it?

[58corvette]

Well Athena I Have To Say That Was An Interesting Post That Seemed To Involve Some Stuff Your Dealing With Yourself?

As Far As Me & The Last Post It Had Nothing To Do With My Son Or Ex; Just Lessons Learned From That Past & a situation I'm Currently Dealing With That Involves Another. And I Wont Allow it to Drag Me Down Or Stop Me From Being Myself. That's Why I Posted It.

But Thanks For Your Input; I Think?

I Hope YOU Are Able To Get Through Your Own Current Ongoing Situation As Well; MOVE ON & Leave It In The Past?

Sincerely; Jim

[Endlessnight]

Hi Jim. I re-read your post about loneliness. I understand how awful that feeling can get. Just having someone there that will share your pain and sorrow, and your happy times too would be wonderful.

I have felt lonely for most of my life, (even though I live with 8 other people!)

I'm so happy that I found this forum because I think of it, and many of the people on it, as my friends, and that's why I write on here...knowing someone will be listening and will give me helpful advice or just caring words that will help me get through whatever i'm trying to deal with. I know I can write very personal things and not be afraid...I was at first of course, but now I know I can trust everyone here. So to me, the forum is a loved friend. One I can confide in, one where I feel I can express my anger or pain and know that it/they won't get mad at me and leave me.

I hope you know we are your friends. We care about you and I hope you might find some solace here as I have. (((((hugs)))))

Take care, M.

[randomperson]

Honestly I think I speak for all of us in saying it is easier to say put it in the past than to do it. Though it is what we all need to do. For me it was a glimpse into another reality. ..I have a hard time letting that go. If the women I approached after the break up didn't convince me that all my negative thoughts about myself and about dating was true it would have been different. I could let go. But all I keep seeing is the one person that did at least give me a chance. Strange I am finding peace in some parts of my life but giving up in others.. it is an odd combo. It is like a somber peace I have right now. Not happiness but I do have some peace.

I think that is what is happening to all of us. Something is keeping us from moving forward. We each have to find out what and deal with it in our own way. For me I know what it is it is being alone, never being in a relationship with someone I like. Problem is it will take another to fix that. It isn't something I can change on my own and I find that frustrating.. very frustrating. I am used to finding a problem and fixing it no matter what it takes. I can't do that with the worst problem I have. So frustrating.

[Endlessnight]

Hello Random. I found your post very interesting. It brought back memories, memories of me spending a good portion of my life waiting for someone to come along and save me. I would day dream about my 'knight in shining armour' and how he would free me from everything I hated. Of course he never did come along and now i'm left with the realisation that I have wasted a good portion of my life because instead of helping myself, doing something about my situation, I kept hoping, dreaming, that someone would do it for me.

I don't know if there is a moral to my story, except that I regret feeling I had to depend on someone else and didn't take my life and do something with it myself.

I know how hard it is to not have someone there that cares. I don't think i've ever really felt cared for. I just wish I hadn't been such a coward all those years ago. I guess what i'm saying is that maybe you should try and make yourself happy rather than waiting for someone else to do it for you. I know that's an easy thing to say, much easier than doing it, but I wish I had done it for myself a long time ago.

Take care.

[Athena]

Well Athena I Have To Say That Was An Interesting Post That Seemed To Involve Some Stuff Your Dealing With Yourself?

As Far As Me & The Last Post It Had Nothing To Do With My Son Or Ex; Just Lessons Learned From That Past & a situation I'm Currently Dealing With That Involves Another. And I Wont Allow it to Drag Me Down Or Stop Me From Being Myself. That's Why I Posted It.

But Thanks For Your Input; I Think?

I Hope YOU Are Able To Get Through Your Own Current Ongoing Situation As Well; MOVE ON & Leave It In The Past?

Sincerely; Jim

Sorry Jim - I must have had a momentary lapse. I try not to do that in other people's threads. I deleted the personal stuff. Sorry you're dealing with yet another situation. I thought it was just your Son and Ex.

[Athena]

Random/Endless,

It takes a very special person to make us feel good about ourselves, and no - we should definitely not count on that. Except - a good therapist can definitely get you started. The operative word being 'good'. If I'd had the therapist I have now instead of the one I had 30 years ago, my life would have been much much happier I suspect.

[58corvette]

I Had A Good Forth Of July At The Beach.

Always Does My Mind, Soul & Body Good. The Water Was Nice, Waves Were Good, People Were Enjoying The Day & One Another.

That was Nearby where I Grew Up, So The Ocean Is Always Like A Welcome Friend To Me.

Did A Lot Of Body Surfing & Taught A Few Of The Kids A Few Things As Well.

The Night Ended With A Great Fireworks Show. The Walk Was Long To Get Back To The Car, But The Day, Beach & Exercise Were Worth It........

M; I Hope All Is Well For You.

Athena; That's OK & I Also Hope things are Going Good For You.

Random; I Know You Continue To Take Positive Steps Forward.

Thanx Again Everyone;

Sincerely; Jim

[Athena]

Wow Jim, that sounds like a great Fourth of July. I love beaches. I have recurring dreams about sand dunes on the beach in California. Don't know if they exist in reality or only in my dreams. I was at Torrey Pines once and other spots a little north of San Diego. Must be a reason for "California Dreamin'

[58corvette]

Thanx Athena;

Yes It Was A Very Good & Cleansing Day.

We Do Have Quite A Variety Here In California, Including Our Beaches.

And Yes There Are Beaches Here Just As You Describe. San Diego Beaches Are Very Nice As Well.

[58corvette]

Yesterday I Played Some More Coed Softball With My Twin Daughter. Just Playing "THE GAME" Helps Give Me Some Peace & Happiness. And It is Helping Make Up For Some Lost Time with My Daughter As Well.

During & After My Divorce Thanx To My Ex & How She Manipulated My Twins I Lost Years Of Their Lives I Can Never Get Back Or Replace; Either For Them Or Myself. I Live with Some Guilt & Sometimes a Bit Of Anger Over This Still to This Day.

I Lost Valuable Time & Years During their Teenage years. When They Needed A Dad & I Needed Them As Well. For My Daughter I Lost Time To All Her Sporting Events & Lost High School Graduation To Both My Twins As Well.

But it is in The Past & I have Been Given This Opportunity with Both Of Them To Help & Contribute Anything within My Abilities For Them NOW.

I Think The Hard Part Now is Not Having Work (Employment) Or Money to Help In Material Ways & Also Give Myself That Little Extra Motivation & Self Esteem I Need at This Time.

I Can Never Seem To Piece it All Together & Get My Own Act Straight. They have had A few Birthdays & Gifts Are Exchanged. I Feel Ashamed & Embarrassed That I Cant Contribute Materialistically.

I Provided For My Wife & Children Through All Those Years. Even When I was Divorced They Still Lived In My House & I Paid Child Support & They Had Full Medical Coverage As Well Because I Held On To My Job For Them.

But Now I Have Nothing Left. All Is Gone. And I Continue To Live In A Way I'm Not Used To & Don't Like. I Know Somehow I Have To Get My Van Smogged & Registered Just To Drive Legally & Have A Job. I'm Still Applying For Work & Nothing Is Happening.

Somehow Day To Day I Try My Best Not To Let This Get My Down & Or I Just Ignore The Obvious & Don't Face REALITY.

I Continue To Think So Often Of Benjamin Franklin's Famous Saying; "The Only Thing Certain In Life Are Death & Taxes".

I Worked Hard For So Many Years & Overcame Quite A Bit Even During & After My Divorce. But Over The Last Few Years I Am Now In Debt & It's Just Frustrating. I Saw My Parents Progress Through The Years & Enjoy Their Middle Age & Older Years.

It's Just Not That Way For Me. So For That I Feel Like A Failure To My Children & Myself.

I Don't Know What The Future Holds. But At This Rate In Many Ways it's Not Getting Any Better.

Outside A Store After Our Game & Getting Party Stuff For My Daughter Boyfriends Daughter's "Sweet Sixteen Birthday"; While Having A Cigarette Outside The Store A Younger Man (Obviously Homeless) Politely Asked Me For A Cigarette. I Obliged; (I Would Of Gave Him More If I Could Of). As We were Leaving I Gave Him My Lighter; Since I Have Extra. I Could Tell He Was A Kind Gentle Soul Down On His Luck. And Wished Him Good Luck As Well.

The Fact Is I Understand. I Have Been There & Should Be There Now As Well. And in A Week I Will Have No Money For Smokes As Well. Yes It May Be A Blessing In Disguise & Is A Bad Habit. But To People Like Him Or Myself Those Simple Basics Help..........................

The Fact Right Now I'm Middle Aged & In This State NOT Bi-Lingual is Making It So Difficult To Find Work. I Just Feel Like I Am No Longer A Viable Contributing Person & Citizen Of This Country. We Need Change & Someone Or Something To Inspire & Give Us ALL Hope Again...............

[Athena]

Hi Jim,

Sorry things don't seem to be getting much better for you. At this point, I would be seeking ANY job. What about knocking on doors to mow lawns? The people who still have jobs are probably being asked to do the work of two and so are likely pretty stressed out and exhausted at the end of the day and don't want to bother. What do you think?

[58corvette]

Thanx Athena;

Believe Me At This Point I Am Looking For Any Work.

Mowing Lawns Is No Problem As I Have Done All Sorts Of Work in My Past & To Survive. But Here In The Desert, There are No Lawns & Unemployment is So Bad People Do There Own Such Work.

But Again Thanx For Your Suggestion & Today as I Do Everyday I Will Fill Out More Applications.

I Am Part To Blame For The Rut I Currently Find Myself In. Just Things I Did Not Expect Or Foresee. But Again That's Why I Continue To Be On This Site as Well.

It Got So Bad For Me & My Son I Needed A Release; For My Sanity. In My Opinion He Still is Lost Himself & His Addiction Continues. I Do Not See Nor Talk To Him Hardly At All Anymore At This Time. Sad & Heartbreaking For Me As A Father.

You Know Athena You Are A Very Interesting Person & Lady To Me. You Are Direct & Many Times Keep Me On My Feet. I Respect That. And I Know You Still Battle Some Of Your Own Issues & Demons At Times As Well.

How Are You Doing? What Is You Employment Status? What Is Your Living Condition? What Are Your Goals? I'm Just Curious Myself.

Sincerely; Jim

[Athena]

Hi Jim,

Sorry my suggestions aren't so practical. It sounds like your area is pretty depressed and I suppose the ultimate solution is to move to where there IS work, although I know that can be pretty daunting. I know during the 1980 recession, my Dad encouraged me to work in Fort McMurray as there were lots of high paying jobs up there. I just viewed it as some god forsaken place up north where I was likely to freeze to death (I struggle staying warm). So that makes me wonder if Alaska may have some opportunities?

As for me, I'm doing OK, thank you for asking. Certainly a lot happier these days but I still struggle getting motivated to do most things. I am still on leave from work and have not identified anything yet that wouldn't thoroughly bore or stress me out. Perhaps my mind will get clearer once divorce papers are signed. I still don't trust my ex not to find some way to get fired then demand half my income. I live off my savings for now so I know I will have to work at some point. I feel very much in limbo and have difficulty hanging pictures or fully unpacking (had to sell my house last August due to my ex) until papers are signed. I live day to day with the realization that 'everything you work so hard for can be taken away in a heartbeat'. That seems to be getting me to focus on living in the present, which perhaps is not such a bad thing. I figured I may as well enjoy being off work for now and try to put in place those elements that were missing in my life, one being a significant other who is the complete opposite of my ex. I may have found him. It is early days and I have given him so many mixed messages I'm surprised he has stuck around. I really didn't expect it to be so hard to sort out my feelings on this.

[58corvette]

Sounds Like Your Doing Good Athena.

I Responded But AGAIN With Some Computer Trouble & This Site Losing My Post Its All Gone & Wasted. A Lot Of Thought & Writing Blown Into Dust Again.

Im Sorry For Now Its Just Not A Good Day. Gotta Go. Take Care

[randomperson]

So sorry you both are hurting. Athena is right just gotta focus on the present as much as you can. Everytime I look even a year ahead it freaks me out personally. Truth is Great good or Bad can happen at anytime to change everything.

I realized that recently with personal experience.

Personally I have thought of what I would do if I lost my current job because that can happen. My thought was use my skills and try to make it on my own where no one can take that job away.

Look at what skills make you unique and see if there is anything you can do with it in the private sector. Talk it out on here. Maybe something can come from it.

[58corvette]

Thanx Random & Athena Again;

Sounds Like Both Of You Are Doing Well, Focused & Headed In The Right Direction For Yourselves. For That I Commend You Both.

As For My Oldest Son; As A Father at This Point There Just Isn't Much I Can Do For Him. My Twin Son See's Him Often & Says He Is Doing Well. But When I Do See Or Talk To Him In My Heart I Know He is Still Struggling With His Addiction. I Just Don't Have The Heart To Say That To My Twin Son At This Point In Time.

It just Breaks My Heart as A Father To See My Oldest This Way. He Was Such A Wonderful Child & Full Of Life, Hope & Optimism. Life & His Addiction Has Taken That away From Him. I Can Only Pray & Hope Someday He Finds Direction Again & Able To Conquer His Addiction.

As For Me. My Main Focus & Reason For Living Was My Family. I Never Really Focused On My Skills Or What I Wanted To Do In Life as Employment. Just Enjoyed Family Life; Being A Father, Husband & Feeling Wanted & Somebody.

So It was Many Years Of Just That.

Than It All Vanished & I Had My School District Job In Which I Also Happened To Work With Kids. That Kept Me Going & Than That was Taken Away As Well.

Now With This Economy & Myself A Lost Wreck I Just Don't Know What To Do. Hopefully Something Will Come Up. And Yes I Can Do Many Types Of Work. Mainly Physical Labor. But I'm Tired & Older & It Is Just Flat Out Tougher & Scarier Than When I Was Younger.

I Fell Behind The Technical ERA & Now I'm Paying The Price. Just Have To Find My Niche & Stick With It. But It Continues To Be A Huge Struggle & Daunting.

[Athena]

Thanx Random & Athena Again;

As For Me. My Main Focus & Reason For Living Was My Family. I Never Really Focused On My Skills Or What I Wanted To Do In Life as Employment. Just Enjoyed Family Life; Being A Father, Husband & Feeling Wanted & Somebody.

So It was Many Years Of Just That.

I think this is why divorce can be so traumatic. Your whole identity is wrapped up in it. I eventually found that my family crowded out all my friends. I'm trying to ensure that does not happen again. I still had some identity in the work I did but I had to quit that too, out of sheer exhaustion. Identity is an interesting thing to try to rebuild. Or 'build' if you never really had a stable one in the first place.

Than It All Vanished & I Had My School District Job In Which I Also Happened To Work With Kids. That Kept Me Going & Than That was Taken Away As Well.

Now With This Economy & Myself A Lost Wreck I Just Don't Know What To Do. Hopefully Something Will Come Up. And Yes I Can Do Many Types Of Work. Mainly Physical Labor. But I'm Tired & Older & It Is Just Flat Out Tougher & Scarier Than When I Was Younger.

I Fell Behind The Technical ERA & Now I'm Paying The Price. Just Have To Find My Niche & Stick With It. But It Continues To Be A Huge Struggle & Daunting.

This is tough. I have been reading a lot over the past year and I cut out newspaper articles, jot down ideas from stuff I hear on the radio or from books. I think once I feel like I have a brain again, i will put everything in its own pile by category and see which is the highest and maybe that will give me some direction. At the moment I am simply unmotivated by most things. Although I see a persistent recurring theme in music. Not a great area to make a career in. I have recently started taking voice lessons though. Some very interesting revelations are coming out of it. Such as: I seem to need some drama in my life. Something to stop me from getting completely apathetic, unmotivated, lifeless and bored. My vocal teacher is very animated. Stuff she says reminds me of my therapy sessions. Like 'We tend to be closed. We must open our hearts to sing.' She is so right. We don't even breathe properly anymore. You can't sing if you can't breathe. Perhaps this will end up giving me the life-force I need to start life over. So, my point? I guess it is just to expose yourself to new possibilities. Maybe something will jump out at you.

[randomperson]

I hear your corv I was like you focused my life around family.. that is why I was freaking when I first came here. I nearly gained a family lost my whole family all in a very short time.. and to have my life centered around the family structure.. wel you can see why I was so affected.

I read a book that said it is best to guide your life around principles rather than family, friends, job, or even self. Because all but principles are unstable and can change. ..I'm trying though it is easier said than done.

As for getting better we all have ups and downs. Life is fluid like that. Overall I think I have grown some with the help I have gotten. Still far from healed. Still get lonely, when things happen still get depressed pretty easy.

I have a ton of flaws.. but I guess that is just being human. Some old pains, old mental issues are still there just not as pressing and not as hard to hide from the public I guess is the correct words to say..

[58corvette]

Athena & Random As Always Thanx For Your Thoughts & Insights.

Yesterday I Played Another Coed Softball Game With My Daughter. She Is Slowly Getting Back Into The Rhythm Of The Game. I Love Her Spirit & Determination As Well.

The Team Kind Of Sucks, But it's Exercise & Fun. I Am Older Now So There Is Some Frustration Of What I Used To Be Able To Do. Especially When Were Playing Against Teams That Have Players All In There 20's & 30's.

But For This 50+ Old Man I guess I still Hold My Own Against Them. But Again Just Playing With & Seeing My Daughter Play Makes It All Worth It. With So Much Lost Time With Her.

As Far As The Rest Of My Life Right Now. It Sucks. And For That I Am Much To Blame. Lack Of Motivation, Energy, Willpower, Direction, Money, Transportation, Just Tons Of "STUFF" That I Need To Sort Out.

But Again That's Why I'm Still Here On This Site. My Ongoing Depression & Anxiety. A Battle Hopefully Someday I Can Overcome Or At Least Control & Be Manageable.

The Loneliness Is Something That Also Someday I Can Overcome............

[randomperson]

The one thing I have learned is mental health is an ongoing battle. We didn't get as bad as we were in a few months nor will we be better in a few.. but we are growing all of us. Remember Athena you were suicidal, I nearly went insane literally. Corv you were hurting so deeply you didn't even feel like writing at times. Others on here so many I can't mention you all by name you all have made such great progress.. I'm proud of us all, proud of this site.

I know when I am hurting you all are here for me. That gives me great comfort. Even when I have doubts about people in general this place reminds me that there are people that care. The honesty, and caring is so heart felt. This place is very unique and special.