Would'nt ya know it

[randomperson]

For me when i am hurting the worst I find it helpful to focus on my friends. To know they care.

I tend to get in a cycle of thinking bad of myself, thinking I don't have the ability to make things better myself, thinking of the negatives.. focusing on the negatives.. and it makes things worse.. get me more depressed.

Athena told me something that changed things.

Athena taught me this: You can't just push bad thoughts out.. you have to replace them with good.

When I say good I'm not really talking about rainbows and unicorns so much as

the ability to counter the negative thoughts with logic. I have been feeling bad because I try so hard to be positive to push the negative thoughts out but couldn't. I blamed myself for not being strong enough emotionally when that was never the issue.

That in itself counters many of my negative thoughts and has helped.

I am a good person worthy of being loved.

....Even now it is hard for me to repeat even in type. But I am getting closer to believing it. I think that is the start of healing for us.

You need to believe this to.

Your like me something is eating at you inside. You have self doubts.

You got to find what they are and work on countering it with the truth.

That was what all my blabbing was about in my figuring things out thread.

At first I didn't even know.. I was just hurting so bad just babbling. But as people came in posted.. worked with me.. helped me didn't give up.. didn't leave.. slowly I started to see why I was babbling so much.. I was hurt, others had broke my heart devastated who I was.. but more than anything I had self doubts I wanted reassured. I did have things I needed figured out.

Like a little kid that simply needed a hug. Needed to know I could trust people. That people would accept me for who I am no strings attached. Takes a lot of inner thinking.. about life about what is hurting you and why. Like an onion you have to peel away layer by layer.

Whatever you need we will help anyway we can.

[58corvette]

Could'nt Agree More Random.

I have been Hurt For Sure.

I have Abandanment Issues For Sure

I Have Trouble Trusting People For Sure

And Believe Me when your having Trouble Enjoying Life, But Dont want to Die & Give Up its just rough.

Im Scared & Have Fear.

I dont Like Relying On Others.

i Cherish My Privacy.

Its all STUFF I know & Have Learned through The Years about Myself.

And the Worst Part of it all is Just Not Having That Security with a Job, Money & Homebase.

As I said it's been the Insecurity of Myself that in so many ways has put me in this Predicement.

It's Like on a Man's Perspective; Losing Your MoJo; In All Aspects of Life. I know My Daughter Needs & Loves me Right Now; I just hope this Does,nt Burst Her Bubble of Who I really am & where im at.

Ive had so much Dissapointment with Others & Others with me that is just Become Overwhelming.

Believe me I would Love To Just Be Able To Rely On Myself in Many Ways. And have that Confidence that comes along with it.

I have Experienced Quite a Bit; Living Alone Included. I jst cant seem to get it all together & Piece That Puzzle Completley at One Time.

Years ago as I was going through My Divorce My Oldest Son Called Me To Help with his Sister who had Run Away From Home & Returned. So I drove over to My Old House Where All Three Of My Children were Living with Their Mom; My Ex.

Instead of My Daughter Talking & Listening To Me; Just Walked away in Anger feeling Abandament by me Herself. Of Course this was not true. And through Time & Years she Realised This Along with Her Own Mom's Weaknesses & Deception.

In other Words through her Own Current Boyfriend & His Own Divorce she saw another Perspective. And Her Mom Lived with Them for some Time & Ended up Moving out Last Year. Now my Daughter Does Not Speak with Her Mom at all.

So Now it's My Turn with Them. And I hope the same does'nt Happen with me & Them. I will Find Out Starting Tomorrow.

[randomperson]

Go into it with peace knowing we will be with you every step of the way.

Yes I know every culture both genders has things expected of them.

Things that gives them reassurance and balance.

I heard it described as a pyramid to emotional peace.

Core issues food, water, shelter

Other things build on it.. years ago when I heard this so I don't want to miss quote the way it is structured.

Be without a job for a long time I know what you mean.. it really effects your self esteem.

Same way with being single all my life. False thoughts feed off of it.

Really rejection issues at the heart of it. Rejection issues stem from self doubts.

I had no clue that you were in the gaming industry. That is so cool.

I wanted to be but where I live there are 0 jobs in that field.

One thing I can help you with. Your daughter loves you for who you are.

She knows you.. hey you raised her

Your setting yourself up like I do. Inside you say maybe she will not accept me like others did not.

Maybe I am alone.

Not true!

Use this place to ground your thinking like I am.

People here are showing me the truth.. you are showing me the truth!

Good people will accept who you are without question.

Repeat this in your head and remember it as it has changed my life.

You do not have to walk on egg shells around TRUE friends

Repeating this out loud again even helps me with an issue I was struggling with..

FYI personal example how these self doubts are often totally wrong. I thought some of my posts scared you off sometime back. I know now I was way off.. but do you see how this is the same type thinking we often struggle with but often it is not true.

[58corvette]

Ya; Right when I was Finishing my Child Support & Job with School District started to go Downhill Fast because of New Principal who Blackballed me.

I Decided I had Done all I could & Time to Move On & Move away. I had visited this Casino for a few Years & Got to know a Few People pretty well. At the Time it was my Getaway & Escape from Divorce, Small Town, & Work.

So I asked for & was Offered a Job. Lived at Casino Hotel For a Few weeks. Then Got my Own Apartment & Slept On Floor with Nothing. Slowly built it into my Own Little Home. Work was very Tough To Learn & I went through Hell for about a year. But I percervered & eventually was chosen Employee of The Quarter.

But I was Always Alone & Buried Myself in Gambling. Believe me To Live, Work & Gamble in The Same City is BAD. You have to have Self Control; & Eventually I learned to. Always Paying My Bills.

But Then Economy Started To Go South; People were Getting Fired & Layed Off; My Hours were Cut. My Oldest Son Started To Have Major Problems & Issues at the Same Time & My Dad's Health was Declining. My Own Loneliness Brought Me Back Home near My Children & Dad as I mentioned.

It was Great To be Back Near Them Again; But Everything Else has been Downhill Since.

When I start to Not do well Mentally; I Dont Sleep or Eat well AT ALL. It's been another Trait of Mine Since My First Mental Issues as My Brother was Dying from a Coma when I was a Teenager.

I am not Eating or Sleeping well Right Now; Not a Good Sign & I Know it. Never Drink enough Water. And Sometimes To Much Coffee.

Shelter? Indeed.......For Now I will have that with Strangers. But I am Grateful & it Isnt Streets for Now at Least. Been There Before.

I read your Recent Post Random with your Last Date. I as a Man have my Own Thoughts from what you Posted. However I feel A Woman Can Give a Better Perpective & View as to Exactly what this Woman may Truly be Thinking, Doing or Feeling.

Believe Me I have Been on Both Sides of This Coin. And Being Married Along with Being Single is'nt always what it's Cracked Out To Be.

Of Course I Prefer Marriage. Not Being Alone. But I have Been Married & QUITE ALONE. I will always Believe No One Should Ever Have To Be Alone In Life. And if we Can Find our Life Partner & Soulmate their Is Simply Nothing Better In This World.

But To Always Hold Our Self Identity & Confidence Of Self Reliance is Key. Something I was'nt Able To Figure Out & Maintain in My Own Marriage.

[randomperson]

I would love to hear your thoughts on what I posted about the date. I am more at peace remembering good people are more forgiving.. however since she really doesn't know me that well.. still unsure and uneasy about how to proceed.

[58corvette]

You know Random. Women in So Many Ways are A Mystery To Me? It's Like having A Book On Parenting. The Only Book is The Experience you Deal with & Learn Yourself. My Own Marriage Did'nt Go As I Planned. And My Ex Knew Everything About Me & "I THOUGHT" accepted me for that.

My ex Simply Changed & did not stay True to Our Vowels, was not Loyal & Did'nt Accept me for what she knew I always was. I was Like Another Convienant Escape for Her Until The Time was right to Move on. Then she Accused me of thing's I was'nt & Exploited my Weaknesses.

I was Married for 23yrs. My One Sister Has Been Married for 43yrs. now & my Other Sister 37yrs. That's all we Knew & how we were raised. The Difference is the other Partner. I Picked Wrong.

My Own Folks Were Married to The End Of My Dad's Dying Day's. 60 years. So For Me Marriage Was & Still is A Vowel & Promise Made To Each Other & God that it is FOREVER till Death Do You Part.

When my Dad was Dying my Little Brother asked him; What's The Secret Dad? He Replied in the way only my Dad could. "A GOOD WOMAN"

My Marriage & My Life Turned out So Different from My Folks the Minute my EX left to this day. So I dont Have The Answers?

However from what I read that you Posted. It seems for whatever reason at this moment she is a bit Hesitant. Why im not sure. You may want to ask if your Curious & not sure why yourself? Thats your Choice & a Possible alternative to getting an Answer.

But on the Other Hand I may be way off Base. That is why I feel A Woman's Views about Another Woman's Statements, Feelings & Intentions may be more Accurate than my Own. They Have Certain Instincts.

I dont know im curious Myself to Responces from other Women from your Post Myself?

[randomperson]

Thank you for your reply. I do think there is some hesitation.. and I don't blame her on that. Asking her out was pretty spur of the moment for me.. even when I got up there wasn't sure if I was going to do it lol.

Only place open at the time was Waffle House. I tried coffee for the first time in over 10 years to be polite. The staff was rude there was a frequent customer of hers staring at her the whole time and I was super hyper from the coffee.. the only thing we had going for us was our conversation... which I thought went pretty good, we are different but many of our core traits and values are the same and our conversation flows very well.

At the same time I can see why she pauses.. I mean she doesn't really know me and our one date was very strange.

What I'm not sure on is if and how I can save the new friendship/relationship.

Our first 3 conversations seemed great.. the last one good but could be seen either way. She has acted like she wants to go out again but never commits, never calls or answers the phone (called only 3 times total).

What do you think I should do?

..I do let this stuff bother me too much still. Like you I was raised on the idea to find a soul mate. Idealized romance. Recently learned there is no such thing and I'm still adjusting to that fact.

I won't take over your thread just thanking you for your input and advice on this.

[58corvette]

Random your not taking over my Thread. You are always Polite & Considerate.

Besides keeping My Mind Off Today & Moving.

Im not sure. What does Your Own Heart & Instinct Tell You?

If she's not Returning Calls thats Somewhat Of A Concern I Would Think?

If your not Afraid of Answers you Dont want To Hear Than Ask Her exactly what your Asking Hear.

Than you May Know where Things Stand with Her For Now in Terms of What She's Feeling.

[randomperson]

Random your not taking over my Thread. You are always Polite & Considerate.

Besides keeping My Mind Off Today & Moving.

Im not sure. What does Your Own Heart & Instinct Tell You?

If she's not Returning Calls thats Somewhat Of A Concern I Would Think?

If your not Afraid of Answers you Dont want To Hear Than Ask Her exactly what your Asking Hear.

Than you May Know where Things Stand with Her For Now in Terms of What She's Feeling.

Thank you so much for your kind words. You are a great friend.

Yep the not returning my calls isn't good lol.

..but the first time I saw her she was flirting and had a huge natural smile, and that was after 2 of the 3 calls I made.

Relationships are so complicated.. I just never understand what to do.

I would ask her these things like you say except I only have 2 minutes max because I am doing all this while she is checking me out.. she is a cashier at a very busy store lol. Man it is hard to connect to someone that way haha

..also there is only so much I can do this before it gets to looking odd.

Already bordering on that now I would think.

So I don't mind asking her but I need a few short sentences to say (literally 3 minutes or under for the entire conversation), or give her a letter like a local friend suggested.

I have yet to figure out the perfect few sentences.. and my gut tells me the letter would be all or nothing ... either she would find it adorable or creepy.

I did see her texting.. maybe that is another option.. I don't know.

I over think these things.. and that is what messes me up.

[58corvette]

As I was reading your Post; I was Thinking Why Dont You Just Text Her?

Then I read the end of Your Post.

Text Her. What Do Ya Have To Lose? And Write the way you write here. Be Yourself. Best Way To Start I Think.

[randomperson]

We had a huge storm in the area. Internet went down.

Right now I don't have texting for my phone is the problem. ..Kinda think she will ignore it like she did the call as well, gut feeling. Maybe I should though.. sure sounds better than the other options right now.

[Sherzade]

Hello Jim,

Is this my first visit to your new home?

I would like like to give you a big hug and encouragement for your move. I always want to say something that we say to children: it's going to be better. You may find it difficult to believe in it, but let yourself be that child that trusts someone outside of them when they feel vulnerable.

You may find it difficult to control your sleep but try to eat something even if you don't feel like it. Try to take care of yourself.

(Jim)

[Athena]

Jim,

You have many, many friends here. Sincere "electron" friends are as good as the real thing. You are NOT ALONE. Maybe no warm body beside you, but in some ways this place can be (almost) as powerful. Allow yourself to feel the loving kindness coming your way, especially at your worst times of the day. I believe it can sustain you and get you through.

I hope this is a positive new beginning for you.

{{{JIM}}}

[randomperson]

Hope the move went well for you today!

[58corvette]

Yes I am now at My Daughter's. Pretty Much what I expected. They are Very Driven People For Sure. High Energy. Already had her Boyfriend Telling me how I should go about getting Work.

And Since My Daughter & Her Boyfriend dont Speak or Deal with My Son & I dont speak or Deal with My Mom & They do; Because of My Son's Addiction & Things that went down as My Dad was Dying; That's Another Part that I knew would be Difficult & Unconfortable & it is.

I have my Own Room & They Have Dogs (One of which is my old Dog from when I was Still Married with My Own House). It's very good to see My Dog Again, but she's older Now & that part is Hard Also.

They also have Neighbors with Horses, so it will be good just to be around Animals Again. My Twin Son Stopped by for a bit just to see how things were going with me. That was Nice of Him. I know I am still Bonded Best to my Two Sons. It will be Nice being Around My Daughter, but there's Definite Limits with Her Boyfriend.

Anyway a Lot of it is A Long Soap Opera Story. I am Very Grateful For Their Genorosity & Not Having To Live On The Streets for Sure.

But Believe Me I dont see this working out & further up the Road it will be "I Did This for you". It's just the Personality of this Guy. Very Driven, Ego, With expectations. I know a lot of it is'nt Genuine & to Impress My Daughter.

For Her She May find this out up the Road as she Finishes College, Get's A Job & Ventures into the Real World. She is Quite Responsible & Very Driven & Hard Working. I Used To be a lot of what im Seeing & Sencing here.

It's just not Me Anymore. But I Know myself I need to Get My Own Act Together, with a Sence of Purpose & Goals. Part of that will be getting a Job, Money & the Abilty to Get out of Here as Soon as I can before there is any Trouble, Hard Feelings, Conflict or Animosity.

I dont want anymore Problems or Conflict; Had Enough of that. Matter of Fact I Contacted Ex & let her know I only want the Best for OUR Children, Pray for Our Son & wished Her The Best in Her New Career. Did'nt Here back but I expected that. Especially Since I Myself am now at my Daughter's & Her Boyfriend who she dont Speak or Deal with at All.

So when I got here & was alone with My Daughter I showed Her The Text I sent Her Mom. Then I explained How I jus want all of US to Get Along & Accept One Another Again. She told me why she cant for Now with My Son & Ex & than Listening to Her Boyfriend Later I can Tell it's Not Going to Happen.

So I Tried My Best for Now with Everyone, Just as My Twin Son Has. By Staying Nuetral & just wanting People to Get Along. I can See why this Guy & My Mom get Along So Well. Very Driven People that Think Highly Of Themselves & No One Ever Does anything For Them but they Do Everything for Others.

It's Just Very High Standards That you can Never live Up To & Always has you on Edge & Unconfortable. People that are Like this Generally Become Very Angry & Bitter Further up The Road. My Mom has For Sure.

So I will Do My Best To Conform, Keep The Peace, Not Make Waves, Help Out the Best I can (Although I know that in the end it wont be seen that way) it will all be what They Did for Me. Just have to try to Keep in mind that This is TEMPORARY & MOVE ON & OUT AS SOON AS I CAN.

I know most of this is Negativity on My Part. But it's Awareness & Reality also. That's part of Age, & Experience. I AM GRATEFUL & THANKFUL. Please Dont get me wrong. And Obviously I have Plenty of My Own Issues & Far From Perfect.

Just Need to Get My Own Life Back in Order & become as Independant as I can That allows me to be who I am & Enjoy Others for Who They Are. That's Why My Dad was so Respected & Content in His Life. Although HE KNEW that a big Part of what Allowed him to Be that was His Permanent & Stable Life with Mom.

that's what put the Monkey Wrench in me. Just Lost it, Dont Have it & Have to Figure Out Who I am.

[randomperson]

I think many of us here are on the same basic journey. Figuring our place in life, seeing we are not as alone as we thought but not really knowing what that means yet, understanding the meaning of love more.. specifically in regards to ourselves. Your not alone in this trip.. we will all make it through together.. baby steps!

Thank you for the update. I hear you on the type guy he is.. had a few in my life.

Not fun..

Glad you have a place to stay.. maybe some good will come from it, perhaps you will become closer to your daughter

[Sherzade]

Hello Jim.

Great to hear from you.

I have my Own Room & They Have Dogs (One of which is my old Dog from when I was Still Married with My Own House). It's very good to see My Dog Again, but she's older Now & that part is Hard Also.

They also have Neighbors with Horses, so it will be good just to be around Animals Again.

You have already identified the supportive elements in your new environment, which is good. Hold on to those things as much as possible because they will give you hope when your heart is cold.

I do understand what you are saying about your daughter's boyfriend and your mum. I do understand because i am like them. It may confuse people until they understand what is actually happening. They behave as if they were self sufficient, never showing vulnerability, always in control, which means, they don't need anyone. They do and give for others and that's how they feel powerful. I too get angry when the receiver of my good deeds spoils my fantasies of goodness and power. Goodness becomes then a simple egotistical instrument.

I am sorry Jim, but i am like that as well . I am more conscious about this and i am working hard to change it.

Isn't it interesting that your son in law (?) feels self self-sufficient and you feel that you can't rely on yourself at all? Quite extreme positions.

Please allow me to tell you that i think that you are doing really well Jim. Have a good rest and... tomorrow is another day.

[58corvette]

Thanx Random & Sherzade.

Ya im trying to make the most of things the best I can. Of course I always try to do my part around House, Whatever it may be. That to me is returning the Favor in a Mutual way.

I think that's why I always Respected my Dad. I do things that People dont always Notice, But it makes a Difference & Lightens the Load of Others. And I try to do it on a Daily Basis no matter how Simple or Mundan it may seem.

Dad Always Appreciated That & Expressed Gratitude. Especially as He got up in Age & just Enjoyed LIFE & The People around him.

So the way I see things is; If your going to Help Someone, you have already Commited to that. But if it ends up on A Bitter, Angry Basis based on; "I did this for you & you have done nothing for me" and you Dont Recognise this Person is Returning your Genorisity in Whatever Way they are able & Not using you. Than You Should Never Offer to Begin With. It Always ends up Bad, with Animosity.

I cant tell you how many Times at Work, In Marriage, with Family, Friends whatever it may be; that People Look Back & Realise things I did. Because I dont Go around Tooting My Horn about what I have done in order to be recognised.

Its just a Matter of Being Aware & Recognising another Person's Abilities, & Intentions. It's Like Any Marriage, Relationship, Workload whatever it may be. It's Not Always a 50-50 Proposition. It Varies.

So as I said; I can see it with My Daughter's Boyfriend & Already Hear it. It's always what He's Done for Others. Never what Someone May have Done for Him. Or just Simply a Mutual Condition & Awareness.

So I will Continue to Be & Do what I can. But up the Road I Dont want To Hear about What he Did For Me & I never Returned The Favor or Expressed Thanx & Gratitude.

What Anyone would Want is a Mutual Respect & Awareness Based on Love, Caring, Dignity & Honesty. Like; "Hey Thank You So Much for Helping in My Time of Need" & a Responce of; "Hey No Problem I understand & Appreciated your Help in return & Enjoyed your Company as well.

Memory & Daily Life of things that Transpire Should Never Be A One-Sided Affair. But as I said that's why I Know I need to Get My Mental & Physical Stuff Together as well as Possible & Focus on The Goal of Getting Back Out on My Own.

[randomperson]

It seems like your starting to feel a little better

I know it is never good to be in one sided relationships.

Just got to keep taking the positive steps on the things we can change.

[Sherzade]

Hi Jim,

I am going to be away for 2 weeks and i won't therefore log on.

I wish you peace and strength. Will be in touch on my way back.

Randomperson and Athena the same for you. As a stranger once told me: chin up cheer up

Take care.

[58corvette]

Thanx Random. Just doing what I can for now.

Sherzade. Back at ya. Take Care

[randomperson]

You know what though.. what you said is the key to life

[58corvette]

Decent Day. But Long. Very Good to be around My Daughter Again; but ya miss my Son. I still cant wait & continue to Hope & Believe we will all (My Children & I) be back together One Day on Better Terms & Circumstances.

They Deserve a better Life. OBLA-DE-OBLA-DA Life goes on............Going to try to hit the sack & Think good thoughts; give the Mind a Break. Eventually I hope to get it together & things start to fall back into place. Ill know.

Would Love to go to the Ocean this Summer on a Nice Sunny Day, Waves between 3 to 5 Feet & Do some Body Surfing & Boogie Boarding with The Three Kids. It's Always A Good Day & Refreshes The SPIRIT.............

[Endlessnight]

Dear Jim (((((hugs)))))

So glad to hear you have someplace to stay. It's a good opportunity, as you said, for you to get closer to your daughter. I know I have regrets when it comes to my dad...there are many things I never got to know about him so i'm sure your daughter will be glad that you and her have a second chance at getting to know each other better.

Try not to think right now of the negative things that may or may not happen somewhere down the road, enjoy the here and now. It must be great to be with your dog again even though he is older now. I hope you and him will be able to enjoy many walks together.

Just go on being yourself, giving back in your own way whether it's recognised or not.

I wish you the best, always. Take care,

M.

[58corvette]

Dear M.;

Thank You So Much for your Kind words, feelings & thoughts. Believe me coming from a Woman & Daughter it means so much to me & reassuring.

I know it means so much to My Daughter & I Truly am Grateful & Thankful for this opportunity & to not be Homeless. I just feel so inadequate & wish I was able to give her more & a better Life. She & Both My Sons Deserve Better & they have been through enough.

But you are Correct; I need to Enjoy THE HERE & NOW. And think of the Positive.

My Dear Dog Thunder that I wrote about(in earlier post) Passed away Last year. That was the Male & My Daughter also took care of him; before She had to put him down. My other Dog is Lightning (She is Female) & I am able to be with her now. I was just outside with Her & she showed a little of her old Spunk. She is Now about 13yrs. Old. Thunder was 14yrs Old. Both of My Dogs have lived Good Long Lives; But they also Deserved Better from all the Chaos that ensued during & after the divorce.

So Thanks for the Hugs M. & the reassurance as I said. Thery're are Certain times when A Woman's Touch & Kind Words mean A Lot to A Man.

Hugs back at Ya M.

Always The Best.

Sincerely; Jim