So sorry

[soregretful]

I never thought the children were here for my sake. I just had an extremely close relationship with them and it has disintegrated into nothing and I miss that. I never thought they were mine, or here to please me, or anything. I just felt needed by them and I loved that sense of being important to someone. I loved feeling needed and knowing I was contributing to someone's development. That is why I want to have kids. I love that idea....it's why I became a teacher and how I met them. I was completely willing to let these kids go at the end of their time with me, but THEIR FAMILY invited me to do things with them. I was ready to let them walk out the door, but their grandma dies, their dad gets laid off, and I WAS ASKED BY THE FAMILY to help out. I never thought that they were here just for me. It just makes me sad our relationship is changing. I am friends with the parents too. I don't think that the kids are mine, and I just want them to be happy. I know they have to grow up, I am not naive to that. It just went from seeing them a lot to not seeing them at all and that is when I started dating. I know they will always be in my life, it is just that I liked that feeling of being needed by the kids. They still do need me too, it is just that I get emotional when I see them growing up because it just reminds me our time together is getting to be less and less. As I typed that sentence, tears came to my eyes without me trying. They love me. They want me back the way that I was. I never thought they were mine or anything like that, I just want to be part of their lives. This is why I know I want my own children, I need to contribute to the growth of someone.

[soregretful]

I think that this statement here is key. Perhaps we should talk more about this?

I was depressed about the diminishing time I was spending with the kids far before the whole computer issue came up. October, November, and early December was so sad for me thinking about the future without the kids. The 15th of Decmeber rolls around and I remember all this crap from my past. It's like the depression led me there. I started dating my girlfriend in October, with the intent of finding someone to spend my life with. This other crap hits me in Decemeber. I do not get it, but yes MM, I was extremely depressed about the boys before all this hit.

[Sissagwaad]

You were depressed, period. no need or usefulness to sort of 'blame it on externals.'

What happened happened. How we feel about it is detemined by the meaningfulness we attach.

External stimuli is neutral, till we place a value on it.

Hense the unhelpfulness, self talk, that this or that caused whatever.

When we learn to appreciate that the flavor of our experience, of everything, is a "do it to ourself situation,"

we are no longer victims. We can be co-creators, in having effect on the flavor.

Yes, i agree that brain chemistry can and does change.

It is the proper and direct result of the quality of thought and meaning we attach to stimuli,

and how we come to experience emotionally what we do.

Simply look at the amazing discoveries being proven in Brain Plasticity.

The simple answer to the cause of symptoms of depression, is visual.

How we 'see,' interpret,' judge, will invariably bring about a corresponding emotional experience.

There are countless tools, google them, and be amazed by what and how you can be in your captains chair, with both hands on the rudder, and in mind, with knowing, a mind focused firmly on only what one wants, course in mind, cannot be distracted. Each of us are each one with this adventure.

"Choose to Choose," as Og Mandino said repeatedly in his writing career and service. love and hugs, always my friend(s) bw

[soregretful]

Confused as to what to do next.

SR

[Sissagwaad]

Confused as to what to do next.

SR

Learn to practice reflection on all that you csn be grateful.

Every little thing, from toes, fingernails, hair, eyes, teeth, ability to walk, talk, hear, teach, to have had Grandparents, parents, a place to live, food to eat, Chriky I could go on forever, and so can you,

if you sincerly want to experience happiness, instead of anything else, simply practice focusing yourself on the countless things over which you can be grateful, vs regretful.

A mind trained to 'look for,' and experience the pleasure of Gratitude, cannot be depressed, sorryful, regretful at the same time. It is a physical impossibility. Think about it, and try it, and when opportunities come upon you to act and be in the present, allow yourself to be grateful for everything, and I guarantee, you will be a happy, healthy individual, who does only goodly things, and there will be nothing to fear.

love and hugs bw

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

do you keep in touch with your friends that have moved away? Are you close enough so that you can talk to your friends about the way you feel?

I think you are very focussed on being needed and not so much on your peer relationships that would possibly offer you deeper emotional support than being "useful" to them. I can imagine that your idea of the "perfect you" might be strengthened when people look up to you, and it gets in the way of your acceptance of the you that really is, because in the catalog it looks better.

What did you decide to do next?

Take care,

S.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Soregretful,

You seem to realize that you are getting lots of warm and loving support from the community and that its a wonderful thing. What they are doing for you, you need to do for yourself. My sense is that you are putting a lot of stress on yourself, worrying and obsessing. We have lots of blogs on Mental Help Net and lots of information in our self help section, on how to relieve stress. How about doing some of those things: meditating, deep breating, yoga, etc?

All of us are concerned for your well being but we also know that you need to find ways of relieving the pressure you feel.

What do you think about this idea?

Allan

[soregretful]

Won teacher of the month award today....of course its when I feel like junk. They would probably rescind the award if tghey knew this. I would too.

[Sissagwaad]

Won teacher of the month award today....of course its when I feel like junk. They would probably rescind the award if tghey knew this. I would too.

I for me don't understand the importance of anyone else knowing whatever you may have allowed yourself, to experience sexual release, once upon a time, privately. What business is it of anyone elses?

Is it not clear enough how loved, valued and appreciated you are?

Different people 'grow,' mature, at different ages. Sexual experience, involves a hightened release of endorphines and pleasure to be sure.

How you do it, by yourself, is solely your business.

How you feel about it, resides in the quality of judgement you lay on yourself.

No one else is involved but you. Therefore it is up to you to examine the usefulness, validity, and efficasy of what you are doing judgementally.

Its a learned habit like anything else, the way we judge ourselves and others, and the things we do. It doesn't have to be complicated or dramatic.

Practice, practice, practice, valuing and being grateful, vs devaluing, depreciative, and putting down, and you'll experience sunnier joy-filled days, guaranteed. love and hugs, always

[Musicman]

SR, the very first thought I had when I woke up this morning was about you and your wellbeing. For a while now, I've been meaning to tell you that I have great sympathy for your loneliness. You see, being in a similar situation to you, I know exactly where you're coming from. Outside of my circle of three or four friends, I really don't have anyone. Battling something of a perverse nature is extremely lonesome. I've never felt so alone than over these last few months. Obviously, you feel the same. The only way to make it through these hard times is to stay strong. I know that's hard when you have little support. However, I fully support you. For having never caused harm to another human, don't you think that you deserve a second chance? I do. Even I deserve a second chance, having done much worse than you.

You said that this whole episode started when you began to think about "the boys" growing up. Clearly, you have a hard time dealing with loss. I don't blame you. You seem to have lost a lot in the last year. Unfortunately, I can't help you much with this, as I have never dealt with major loss. Do you feel like you ever got over the loss of your grandmother? Do you think she'd want to see you like this? I want you to address these questions, as I feel that they may be (in part) the key to getting you on the right path.

Although it may sound strange, at such a young age, I too love the idea of taking care of someone who relies on me. I have such fantasies many times each day. You are blessed that you have been able to offer your care to so many children.

Sissa is right. No one may judge you for what you did sexually to yourself years ago. You were given a great honor today that you clearly deserved. For something that took place so long ago, no one has any right to strip you of this award. You are once again judging yourself unfairly -- the way that society would judge you. Yesterday, you stated that you view me as a friend. If I were given this same award in 10 years -- long after I'd have dropped my addiction -- would you think it acceptable that it be taken away? You and I clearly have the same mentality when it comes to the wellbeing of children.

[soregretful]

I know more than ever what I want. I just feel to guilty to get it. I want my wife and my family. I want it soooooooooooooooo bad!!!

[Musicman]

I know more than ever what I want. I just feel to guilty to get it. I want my wife and my family. I want it soooooooooooooooo bad!!!

Knowing what you want is a large step forward. Let me ask you this: Do you ever see yourself forgiving yourself? Clearly, you are ashamed of what you've done. However, you have only gotten support in this community. No one else seems to think your actions were quite as bad as you believe. Which do you find bothers you more: Your current guilt, or your losing the boys?

[Sissagwaad]

I know more than ever what I want. I just feel too guilty to get it. I want "my wife" and "my family". I want it soooooooooooooooo bad!!!

Is it possible this limiting guilt's benefit or usefulness, is about keeping you from a deep seated fear of failure of loosing the possession of wife/family, since, hey, you can't fail if you never allow yourself to even go there.

Think about it.

Having a wife/ a family, vs "my wife/my family," sounds like possessions, that you fear, if you do not have, you will be lonely, unhappy, etc. Having or not having externals are icing, not the foundational stuff.

[soregretful]

No one wants me to forgive me more than me. Like I said, I started going out in October wanting this before this came up. When I say my wife, I mean, the girl I want. A wife, my wife, whatever, I just want to have a family. My own guilt is crippling, and I do not fear losing the boys because I will always have them in my life in some way, it just makes me sad and want my own family even more. They said last night that if I ever got married that they would want to be in my wedding. I thought that was cute.

[Sissagwaad]

No one wants me to forgive me more than me. Like I said, I started going out in October wanting this before this came up. When I say my wife, I mean, the girl I want. A wife, my wife, whatever, I just want to have a family. My own guilt is crippling, and I do not fear losing the boys because I will always have them in my life in some way, it just makes me sad and want my own family even more. They said last night that if I ever got married that they would want to be in my wedding. I thought that was cute.

This has me puzzled too, and I'm trying to fascilitate you unravelling why, your reasons, you seem so resistant to letting yourelf forgive yourself, and getting onto the good stuff, the present.......fearlessly, without the solely limiting aspect of fear. What possible good comes from fear?

Maybe, if it keeps us from going forward, we mistakenly believe we'll be safe?

Think about it.

[soregretful]

Knowing what you want is a large step forward. Let me ask you this: Do you ever see yourself forgiving yourself? Clearly, you are ashamed of what you've done. However, you have only gotten support in this community. No one else seems to think your actions were quite as bad as you believe. Which do you find bothers you more: Your current guilt, or your losing the boys?

My current guilt kills me. I saw the boys yesterday...best I have felt in a while. That is what I am having a hard time wrapping myself around...why does everyone think it is not that bad? I am not judging anyone, but certainly everyone is seeing it differently than I am. My "therapist" had me thinking that I can not be aroused in an adult relationship. I have stopped seeing him. Even my psychiatrist, his partner, said that wasn't very therapeutic. I challenged him to produce his supposed article. We will see what happens.

[IrmaJean]

I agree that what your therapist said was not therapeutic. Do you have a new therapist, SR?

[Sissagwaad]

My current guilt kills me. I saw the boys yesterday...best I have felt in a while. That is what I am having a hard time wrapping myself around...why does everyone think it is not that bad? I am not judging anyone, but certainly everyone is seeing it differently than I am. My "therapist" had me thinking that I can not be aroused in an adult relationship. I have stopped seeing him. Even my psychiatrist, his partner, said that wasn't very therapeutic. I challenged him to produce his supposed article. We will see what happens.

You want the answer?

Because 'vision' is a chosen.

Vision is volitional.

What we choose to see, (interpret, judge,) determines how we experience the gift of our moments.

The therapist you saw is not the expert on you. That is your role.

By all means, when someone says anyting that you react to with anything uncomfortable, challange what the heck is going on.

Look to Learn, to 'see,' and develope acceptance, to recognize everyone else is simply doing their best, as are you, each on our own path and adventure. Develope charitableness, love, increased acceptance, and ultimately peace and joy will banish any symptoms of lonliness, as you develope a closer, loving bond, with your best friend, You.

love and hugs, always.

[soregretful]

I agree that what your therapist said was not therapeutic. Do you have a new therapist, SR?

Yes, I do. I know I can not change anything, but I just want to stop being assaulted by the memories.

[Sissagwaad]

Yes, I do. I know I can not change anything, but I just want to stop being assaulted by the memories.

PARDON???

What the f*** do you mean by telling yourself, 'i know i can not change anything' ??? and 'the memories'

How you see, anything, past or present, is entirely Volitional.

It is the quality of music we tune ourselves to.

What is the station and music you're listening to, doing for you?

Anyone remember the little nursury rhyme, of the little Engine that could?

May that we all learn to embrace being children, and open to pleasuring ourselves more with the games of life we play ourselves with.

hugs and much love

[Sissagwaad]

Questions, towards exploring Playing at "Doing" vs playing at trying

Do I have options? Am i free to choose or arn't I?

Well...since no one is telling me, or making me 'to do,' anything,

I shall assume the 'chair of choosing', and, being Captain of my choices.

My mission, today, will be to stay true and on course.

The specifics that I have previously given thought to and jotted out on paper, I will train myself to focus on.

My desired route, and flavor of destination, at the top of my mental list.

I know that what i consistantly focus myself upon, i will experience.

Therefore I will 'do' more, rather than dismiss myself with a shrug that I 'tried,' and simply because i wasn't successful, choose to believe my experience means it can't or won't ever change.

Let that I may frequently recall my high school motto,

Carpe Diem......seize the day.

[Sissagwaad]

Given any thought about changing your handle, more towards what you want, vs what you don't want?

Anyone see the wonderful movie August Rush, about an orphaned, all alone boy, that focuses, and stays true to his focus....and the awesome way his life comes together?

The infectious young star of that is coming to screen in a new film entitled The Art of Getting By, This might be inspirational to you SR, have a look at the preview. http://www.tribute.ca/trailers/the-art-of-getting-by/18165/

love and hugs, (my choice )

[soregretful]

Oh my God, I LOVE that movie. It is very inspiring, especially as a teacher, I try to relate that kind of "can do anything" attitude to my students. I want an August Rush story!!

I am trying really hard, Sissa. It is exhausting. My kids at school love me so much. They really went all out for teacher appreciation week. I don't know what course to take in therapy.

What I mean by can't change anything is that the past is done. I know you have said several times it all has to do with the meaning I attach to it. That sounds a lot like my therapist. As far as getting assaulted by memories, it just means that no matter what I focus on, this is there. I am doing a kick ass job teaching, but this is still there. I am up to about 11 requests for next year, but still, this is there. I have all of the pieces and parts of an amazing life to the outsider, but when I come home I just let it all out. I can't figure out how to attach any other meaning than horrible to what I did. And like you asked before, yes, I do feel like I am the only one who has ever dealt with this type of conflict before. Summer is not going to be easy, I anticipate, though I don't know, because when I am not constantly moving at work, I am just trying to sleep to not face what my life is right now. It is so hard to keep going. I know so badly where I want to be, I just don't want to feel terrible on what could be the best journey of my life.

Hugs,

SR

[Musicman]

My current guilt kills me. I saw the boys yesterday...best I have felt in a while. That is what I am having a hard time wrapping myself around...why does everyone think it is not that bad? I am not judging anyone, but certainly everyone is seeing it differently than I am. My "therapist" had me thinking that I can not be aroused in an adult relationship. I have stopped seeing him. Even my psychiatrist, his partner, said that wasn't very therapeutic. I challenged him to produce his supposed article. We will see what happens.

I'm glad you had a good time yesterday. The truth is that no one here sees what you did as bad simply because it WASN'T that bad. I'm not going to tell people that pleasuring themselves to children is acceptable (I out of everyone know this,) but you made a dumb mistake in your youth. Furthermore, getting into legality, what you looked at was by no means considered pornography. No one was victimized except for you. You are unintentionally letting yourself be the victim. This statement shouldn't upset you. I am not blaming you for feeling low. I know that it's hard to control your thoughts and impulses. I too am currently fighting my impulses (as you are well aware.) It will eventually become easier for you. The first step is to fight these thoughts. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO SEE YOURSELF AS A SCUM BAG.

It's sadly true that most people would be horrified to know what you did. Who are they to label you? They don't know you. If people knew what I did, I'd be burned at the stake. But I'm not a bad person. I was simply steered wrong by poor judgement. You are no different. This community, who knows you better than any stranger on the street, has branded you as a good, caring person. Why not accept that as the truth?

Lastly, I wanted to thank you for frequenting these forums. I feel that talking to you about your problems is therapeutic for the both of us. My current attempt to give up pedophilia is going much smoother than my last. I am only a week in, but it's been pretty smooth sailing. I feel that I owe it to you.

[soregretful]

That fact of the matter is that I AM HORRIFIED at what I did. I can't believe it!!!!! What was I even thinking. I can't label this as a mistake because I went there. No one forced me, no one had a gun to my head, no one executed the internet searches, but me! I DID IT, and that is why I feel guilty. ME! No one put me in this crap but me and me alone! ME! You say most people would be horrified, but so am I! I would kick my own ass if I could bend my leg that far.