So sorry

[Sissagwaad]

I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings....I AM LOOKING FOR HELP!!

I sense that people are getting a little tired of me.

If others choose to experience hurt, or tired, or bothered by not seeming to fascilitate others choosing to change, what has that got to do with you?

Isn't their right to choose how they feel, just as it is yours to feel what you feel? The challange for the other is to remain accepting, loving, and supportive, it takes practice, lots of practice sometimes.

This is what I want, and thusly choose, and continue practicing.

I know where I am coming from, and I shall not fear, but trust, how others may choose to interpret where I am coming from or about, as being solely their business.....with love and respect I shall remain.....

[IrmaJean]

I wanted to say that I am not tired of you. I care, and I want to help. Sometimes I don't know how best to do that. I sense your upset and distress, and never want to add to that.

Taking a breather from this might be a good idea, but that's up to you, too. In the meantime, keep talking with your therapist. We're here, when and if you decide to return. I hope that you are okay.

[soregretful]

Thanks, Irma!

I just want the pain and the guilt to go away. I am so scared that I might be like this the rest of my life!

[soregretful]

I can't do it guys. I don't want to be any age and have done what I did, even though I didn't hurt anyone. Things for my future are not looking good. The over 4200 people that looked at this blog and did not respond probably thought that I was some kind of pervert. On some level, I agree with them. I wish I would have lived a better life!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

I'm sorry you feel so hopeless. It's not as hopeless as it looks right now.

No 4200 people have been looking at your thread. It's 300 posts long, so half of the clicks will be from us. There are probably people reading along who hope to find some bit of advice that can help them. There's people who clicked on the thread and then decided not to read on, because it's not a topic that interests them. There's people who google something and get a link and then they either wanted to find just this and read or they wanted to find something else and then they'll just google again. Then there's robots. I don't know how those work.

Many of them will not have responded, because they didn't stop long enough and also non-members can't. Also, I've figured out a while ago that the average number of clicks for a thread was about the post number times 20. It's possible that this changed, but also because this is a fast thread the view number might not keep up with the estimated average.

On a lot of levels, if you agree to be some pervert, you're actually agreeing with yourself and a small minority of hateful people.

All that you've talked about here tells me that you did live a good life. You're feelings about your past have changed very suddenly, so try to have faith in their ability to change again. It might not happen all of a sudden this time, but they can change. I hope you feel better soon.

S.

[soregretful]

I wish I knew why this came up. I wish I had never put it there. I have a great girlfriend and if she knew about my past, she would leave me, I am sure. A lot of people would be appalled with me, I am sure. I don't know if I can forgive myself on this. It was no mistake, if I went searching for something....temporary insanity maybe. Why would I have done that? I feel just as bad as if I had hurt someone because I did...me! I want to get married to my girlfriend, but if I can't show her the physical side of love, her life would be over too. So would my dreams of becoming a father. It is not that I am afraid to try, it is just that I think this guilt would prevent a lot of things from happening. I just don't know. A lot of people have probably read the post and thought uh.....keep this dude away from my kid. I don't know what to do. The only thing that would help is if I didn't do this or had forgotten it, which I seemed to do for years. I don't want to die, but living like this is so hard. I have thought about options to end my life and it is hard to do that, but it is one option I know will end the pain. I would feel so bad for my family members, but like I had said, to be any age and do what I did makes my stomach turn.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

A lot of people would be appalled with me, I am sure.

Yes, that is your hypothesis. Then you went out and told a lot of people about it and what was the result?

I'm having a rather scientisty moment.

I hope you have a good day.

S.

[soregretful]

I am just so sad that I have to live with that every day. That was something I did. Oh God, what have I done? Why did I do that? I am just heartbroken and feel like I have thrown my life away. I have to wear this label every day and it makes me sad.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad.

Do you have memories of how you felt at the time? Was it at the time something you "had to forget" to move on? I had the impression that the concerns you have now were rather not there at all. Does this worry you?

S.

[Sissagwaad]

I wish I knew why this came up. I wish I had never put it there.

I have a great girlfriend and if she knew about my past, she would leave me, I am sure. A lot of people would be appalled with me, I am sure. I don't know if I can myself on this. It was no mistake, if I went searching for something....temporary insanity maybe. This might be a key to understanding and putting to rest a lot of things we do that we find difficult to accept

Why would I have done that? I feel just as bad as if I had hurt someone because I did...me!

I want to get married to my girlfriend, but but for the fear I've learned to embrace, believing it useful to fearif I can't show her the physical side of love, her life would be over too. So would my dreams of becoming a father. It is not that I am afraid to try, it is just that I think this guilt would prevent a lot of things from happening. True, and amazingly perceptive my friend. Unforgiveness, and Fear. For me, I've learned to recognize it's only me refusing a closer relationship to a loving God, that makes this so for me.

I just don't know. A lot of people have probably read the post and thought uh.....keep this dude away from my kid. I don't know what to do. about? worrying what other people might think/do?

The only thing that would help is if I didn't do this or had forgotten it, which I seemed to do for years. You seem very intent on limiting yourself to only 2 impossible options, isn't that like painting yourself into a corner?

I don't want to die, but living like this is so hard. I have thought about options to end my life and it is hard to do that, but it is one option I know will end the pain. Yes, of course it seems the easy and quick way, to avoid growing and benefiting from this. I wish there was a way we could fascilitate your coming to see that would only be a cowards way of running away from the gift(s) and opportunities you've been given

I would feel so bad for my family members, but like I had said, to be any age and do what I did makes my stomach turn.As you painfully know, family members come and go too, from this plane of existance. We all do.

God has great plans for you, why not imagine yourself, and trust yourself in putting yourself in his hands, dedicating yourself each morning to recognizing Him with you, guiding you as He has, trusting Him, and yourself with Him, and genuinely filling yourself with learning, embracing, celebrating gratitude, every evening before giving yourself to His service when you allow your body to rest

Only love and hugs I have for you, in following the true quest of your heart and purpose for being here. BW

(I intend on sharing my answer for how, if i were in your shoes, and was moved, understandably at the moment, to do what you did. But I'm just getting up.....thank you for your stimulating sharings)

[soregretful]

Want to find hope. I am just so sad that I put something on my life's resume that has to stay there. I have so many other good things on it, this one just makes me sad and I am not sure how to work through it. So sad! So sorry! I am trying to find stuff to make me happy, but it seems hard.

I just do not want to be this unhappy forever. I can't believe that this is my life. Why did this hit me right now when I was trying to forge my future? My poor girlfriend got trapped in this. Oh, God, if you have plans for me, I wish I could see them now. This is not the life either of us wants me to live.

The one thing I am grateful for is you guys. No one has been anything but supportive. I know I come on here a lot, but it is like you guys are my cheer squad. I love you guys! I just hope one day something clicks and I can take off and live the rest of the life God wants me to live, because I know he forgives me. Just wish I knew what to do to get there faster.

[Musicman]

I am once again stating that you might just want to try distracting yourself. Find an activity for an hour each day, and don't allow yourself to think about what you did. As soon as you do, switch your thought process.

The important thing to do is to take everything one day at a time. Don't try looking deep into the future. You will only hurt yourself.

Reading one of your previous posts, I see that you've contemplated suicide. If you did so, you would hurt your family, your girlfriend, those two children you have grown to love, all of your students, and us (for having failed you). This act would be much worse than any you have previously committed. In the past, you only hurt yourself. Committing suicide scar so many people. Would you be happy knowing that you've caused that damage?

If you consider yourself an evil pervert, I'd hate to know what you consider me. Is this why you haven't responded to my last posts? I assure you that I am here to offer my help and support. While I can't necessarily speak for the others on this forum (though I'm sure they agree with me), I care about your wellbeing. Though I may not respond all that often, I check up on your thread, usually several times a day. I want to see any improvement you've made. If I feel that I should chime in, I do. I would greatly appreciate if you responded to this post. Otherwise, I may have to stop posting, as I'm not sure if my advice is being taken seriously.

[soregretful]

Musicman,

I don't consider you anything but a friend. I don't know what happened to me...it's like I snapped. I was in a depression about those two kids and was invited to their soccer game today, but just the thought of going made me cry. And that hurts them when they see me crying, they want me to be happy because they love me. I am just so emotional. I don't know how to get out of this, MM. I try to distract myself, but my past is always on my mind. Before any of this came up, those boys growing up made me so unhappy. I try to be happy around my girlfriend, but I just don't like myself right now. You are giving me hope because you have a similar situation to me. You are 16...you have a lot of time to change, etc. I am a little older than that, so I am kind of set. You give me a lot of hope, but it is hard to distract myself. If you could see some of the stuff I distract myself with like my classroom website or my classroom door or the cool Easter egg factory we set up, you would see that I am trying to distract myself, but it doesn't seem to help. I am a total overachiever, and perhaps that is why I am judging myself so harshly, even though this was something that happened when I was closer to your age. It just snuck up and kicked my butt. Keep talking to me, because it does help. I don't feel like I have any friends right now, even though so many people care about me.

[Musicman]

Do you consider those mentioned activities to bring happiness to you? While those are nice things, I bet they aren't very distracting. That is why I mentioned doing something like watching movies. If you watch a movie, you have to stay concentrated to understand what's going on. If I may suggest a movie for you to watch, why not try Stand by Me? It's very fitting because of your situation with "the boys." It also happens to be one of my all time favorite movies.

Lastly, I'm sure you've heard the phrase "Kids do stupid things." That's all you were when you made your mistake, and that's all I am now, while making my own mistake. I think what's important is that it didn't turn into a long-lasting habit like it did me.

[soregretful]

The thing is...I do enjoy those activities. The situation with the boys is that they are growing....not like they are all that old....10 and 8. They still adore me and WANT to see me, but I just can't control my emotions. They love me so much...their words. They hate seeing me sad. That's the thing of it all...before all this started I had this sense of losing them, but they are still right around the corner and WANT to see me. I just have a hard time being happy. They get sad when they see me upset. Then, all this crap resurfaces and now I can't stop crying. But no, the boys love me....I haven't lost them at all, it just feels like a loss. Right now, the little one is playing soccer and is wondering why I am not there. I am going to try to go over tonight. The other weird thing that happened is the physical response I had with them. This did not start to happen until I got depressed about them and I think ultimately that this is what made me think of this. No, the boys ADORE me, and I them, but being around them makes me sad that they are growing older instead of making me happy. The other thing is that I have a great girlfriend. She loves me, we have kissed, and everything, but I am not getting the full enjoyment out of the experience because of this. When we started going out, I was sad about the boys, and she was so sweet about that, even making me a puzzle of me and the boys for Valentine's Day. That is how I know I love her...she respects me for who I am and doesn't want my relationship with the kiddos to suffer because I am dating. I love her, but feel guilty being with her now that these memories have surfaced.

[Musicman]

For whatever reason, people have been trained that it's wrong to show emotion. Emotion happens to be a much better communicator than words. People have been trained to hide that. I fell into that trap. Now, I can't bring myself to cry, no matter how much I want to. Although there are different theories as to why, crying makes one feel better. While I certainly wouldn't over do it, maybe it's a good lesson for the boys that they SHOULDN'T be afraid to show emotion. It's just not healthy to bottle it up as I did.

Admittedly, your physical response to the boys is a little abnormal, but as long as you don't feel any "urges" (and I know you don't,) I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it. My only guess is that once you started thinking about your past, you subconsciously convinced yourself that you are no better than a pedophile. It will likely pass soon enough.

Lastly, I think that it's very important that you see the boys tonight. Make it up to them and to yourself for having missed the soccer game. They invited you, and clearly want to be around you.

[Sissagwaad]

The thing is...I do enjoy those activities. The situation with the boys is that they are growing....not like they are all that old....10 and 8. They still adore me and WANT to see me, but I just can't control my emotions. They love me so much...their words. They hate seeing me sad. That's the thing of it all...before all this started I had this sense of losing them, but they are still right around the corner and WANT to see me. I just have a hard time being happy. They get sad when they see me upset. Then, all this crap resurfaces and now I can't stop crying. But no, the boys love me....I haven't lost them at all, it just feels like a loss. Right now, the little one is playing soccer and is wondering why I am not there. I am going to try to go over tonight. Less try, simply do, less attention to fear/concerns

The other weird thing that happened is the physical response I had with them. Yes, strange and bewildering things sometimes occur in our wiring as basically pleasure seeking creatures. This is all a part of learning. Learning to trust ourselves, that we learn from these things, and can choose to channel our desire for pleasure, in directions and activities that have less unsettling side-effects, and more authentic healthy pleasure

This did not start to happen until I got depressed about them and I think ultimately that this is what made me think of this. Exactly, you sought out options to deal with those depressing ideas. You consequently discovered something you could fear, rather than realize you can trust yourself. Study exploring your choice of judgements, and valuing the lessons, we're all wired to learn

No, the boys ADORE me, and I them, but being around them makes me sad that they are growing older instead of making me happy. The other thing is that I have a great girlfriend. She loves me, we have kissed, and everything, but I am not getting the full enjoyment out of the experience because of this. When we started going out, I was sad about the boys, and she was so sweet about that, even making me a puzzle of me and the boys for Valentine's Day. That is how I know I love her...she respects me for who I am and doesn't want my relationship with the kiddos to suffer because I am dating. I love her, but feel guilty being with her now that these memories have surfaced.

Please, please, look to learn on choosing/using self-talk, that does something else than paint yourself into an impossible, unchanging corner.

Think about what you are saying to yourself, and thusly sharing here.

I'm not telling you what to do, what you do is your business, alone.

Consider and give yourself a way out, rather than 'black and white'

"I just cant control my emotions" "I just have a hard time being happy"

ie. what about saying instead "it only seems like,"......

"being around them makes me sad that they are growing older instead of making me happy" ?? another belief that succeeds in taking you to an impossible corner isn't it?

Why is being around them, their presence, 'supposed to somehow decide or make you happy'?

It really has nothing to do with them growing up does it?

doesn't it seem to be more about fear, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of not imagening yourself as loved or loveable?

[soregretful]

The physical response is what scares the hell out of me. That should NOT be happening. It makes me sick.

[Sissagwaad]

The thing is...I do enjoy those activities. The situation with the boys is that they are growing....not like they are all that old....10 and 8. They still adore me and WANT to see me, but I just can't control my emotions. They love me so much...their words. They hate seeing me sad. That's the thing of it all...before all this started I had this sense of losing them, but they are still right around the corner and WANT to see me. I just have a hard time being happy. They get sad when they see me upset. Then, all this crap resurfaces and now I can't stop crying. But no, the boys love me....I haven't lost them at all, it just feels like a loss. Right now, the little one is playing soccer and is wondering why I am not there. I am going to try to go over tonight. Less try, simply do, less attention to fear/concerns

The other weird thing that happened is the physical response I had with them. Yes, strange and bewildering things sometimes occur in our wiring as basically pleasure seeking creatures. This is all a part of learning. Learning to trust ourselves, that we learn from these things, and can choose to channel our desire for pleasure, in directions and activities that have less unsettling side-effects, and more authentic healthy pleasure This did not start to happen until I got depressed about them and I think ultimately that this is what made me think of this. Exactly, you sought out options to deal with those depressing ideas. You consequently discovered something you could fear, rather than realize you can trust yourself. Study exploring your choice of judgements, and valuing the lessons, we're all wired to learn

No, the boys ADORE me, and I them, but being around them makes me sad that they are growing older instead of making me happy. The other thing is that I have a great girlfriend. She loves me, we have kissed, and everything, but I am not getting the full enjoyment out of the experience because of this. When we started going out, I was sad about the boys, and she was so sweet about that, even making me a puzzle of me and the boys for Valentine's Day. That is how I know I love her...she respects me for who I am and doesn't want my relationship with the kiddos to suffer because I am dating. I love her, but feel guilty being with her now that these memories have surfaced.

Please, please, look to continue developing your discernment in the quality of choosing/using self-talk, that does something more than paint yourself into an impossible, unchanging corner.

Think about what you are saying to yourself, and thusly sharing here:

(I'm not telling you what to do, what you do is your business, alone.)

(Consider and give yourself a way out, rather than sooo 'black and white')

"I just cant control my emotions" "I just have a hard time being happy"

ie. what about saying instead ...."it only seems like,"......

"being around them makes me sad that they are growing older instead of making me happy" ?? another belief that succeeds in taking you to an impossible corner isn't it?

Why is being around them, their presence, 'supposed to somehow decide or make you happy'?

It really has nothing to do with them growing up does it?

doesn't it seem to be more about fear, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of not imagening yourself as loved or loveable?

I enjoy the sense of acceptance when I choose to believe our purpose here, in this human form, is to learn to love (trust,) more fearless, less limited by irrational fears, and more self-directed by our willingness to learn to love/trust. Someone wise once said, 'Today, is a new life, and it can be, for the one that chooses to apply themselves, moment to moment, towards believing, trusting, and to learning how to do this rather than the opposite' Time is the currency of life. Life is a boundless superstore, Spend away my friend.......with much love and hugs BW

[soregretful]

A lot of it does have to do with them growing up, but on some level, I do fear being alone now. I never thought about it before because I had games to go to or other things of that nature. I fell into depression because I really had not a lot of friends outside of them and their parents, and now they are growing up, I really don't have anyone. This all started as soon as I felt sad about them growing up and worsened into what it is now.

The physial response is very frightening.

[Sissagwaad]

A lot of it does have to do with them growing up, but on some level, I do fear being alone now. I never thought about it before because I had games to go to or other things of that nature. I fell into depression because I really had not a lot of friends outside of them and their parents, and now they are growing up, I really don't have anyone. This all started as soon as I felt sad about them growing up and worsened into what it is now.

The physial response is very frightening.

Can i suggest another option? The physical response of pleasure was one thing. How you judged it, and responded another?

This learning to fear, not trust, being ok, even if by yourself, alone, as being quite wonderful and OK. This learning of beliefs began you shared, with how you processed your grandparent passing on.

Being alone, does not mean one has to experience lonliness, sadness, abandonment, fear. If, as Robinson Curuso, someone comes upon your path, with a smile and a hug, well, geesh, why not make it up, that being icing on the cake you already have?

The challange, should you choose to accept, is to appreciate what you have. This message self destructs in 60 seconds. Love and hugs bw

[IrmaJean]

No' date=' the boys ADORE me, and I them, but being around them makes me sad that they are growing older instead of making me happy.[/quote']

I wanted to point an error in your thinking here, SR. Maybe there is a way to connect with a part of yourself that embraces the boys growing up in a way that is healthy for them to be doing. And this can also bring joy. Ultimately as parents (and I know that you aren't their parent), the goal is to set them free, and not for them to remain to keep you happy. That would be holding them back from their eventual independence. I say this with gentle care, and hope that you understand what I'm trying to express. I can relate on some level to the melancholy feelings of watching children grow up (for me it is also a reminder of my growing older), but there is a deeper and greater joy in this, too, don't you think?

The physial response is very frightening.

This might be something to discuss in therapy.

I hope your day goes okay today.

[Sissagwaad]

I wanted to point an error in your thinking here, SR. Maybe there is a way to connect with a part of yourself that embraces the boys growing up in a way that is healthy for them to be doing. And this can also bring joy. Ultimately as parents (and I know that you aren't their parent), the goal is to set them free, and not for them to remain to keep you happy. That would be holding them back from their eventual independence. I say this with gentle care, and hope that you understand what I'm trying to express. I can relate on some level to the melancholy feelings of watching children grow up (for me it is also a reminder of my growing older), but there is a deeper and greater joy in this, too, don't you think?

This might be something to discuss in therapy.

I hope your day goes okay today.

Good points. I'm not sure about making it up as an error, or wrong.

It is thinking that is based simply on held beliefs, as to how to best take care of oneself.

And SR has gotten into holding the belief that being regretful, sorrowful, helps something in someway.

There is always a point of choice, always, how we experience emotionally any stimuli.

At a basic fundamental level, we judge, 'is this good for me or bad' Did i do good or did i do bad?

and if we are critical, vs valuing the lesson, we have a normal and natural emotional experience.

I would ask SR to look deeply as to what he wants for the children, for their sake alone, and keeping it entirely separate from how he chooses to experience all the stimuli that life presents him to grow and to learn from.

love and hugs, always bw

[Musicman]

This all started as soon as I felt sad about them growing up and worsened into what it is now.

I think that this statement here is key. Perhaps we should talk more about this?

[IrmaJean]

The point being that the children are not present for your sake, SR, but for their own sakes, and believing/thinking otherwise is an error in thinking, in my opinion. And one that could lead to potential further disappointment and pain. I am no expert, but always speak from the heart. I mean this gently and with supportive care.