So sorry

[soregretful]

No, S.

I think I was just trying to get over the death of my grandma and then the loss of the boys compounded that...even though they are still here. Love them so much!! Not sure about the arousal part. It scares me!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Forgive me, if that is an odd question. What else does your girlfriend like about you?

[soregretful]

She says I am very caring and kind. She likes how I work with the kids in my classroom. I think she is very large hearted as well. This would be great if all of this guilt crap didn't surface. Now I am right at the finish line to my dreams, and I am not sure I even want to live!! I feel soooooooo bad about my past. Why would it come to haunt me now?

[soregretful]

Hi SR. I just read this thread. What medication are you taking for your OCD?

I am taking Luvox and Risperidone.

[soregretful]

Had a busy day and did a lot, but still nervous. Is this the rest of my life?:confused:

[soregretful]

OK...silence is making me nervous now too. Anyone? I have laid out the whole story for you.

[malign]

'So', this is the part you're not hearing: we don't have the answers, possession of "the whole story" notwithstanding.

My answer hasn't changed: talk to your therapist, or another therapist, until you find some answers from within.

Your thread has well over 200 replies, many of them other than yours, since its creation less than three weeks ago. That's a far higher than average response rate. The question is, have you heard what we've said?

"Is this the rest of [your] life?" I don't know. I doubt it, but you'd have to tell me. "Why would [your past] come to haunt [you] now", at "the finish line of your dreams"? Maybe it's something related to believing that dreams have a finish line?

All of us are shooting in the dark, here. Any answers there may be are in you, somewhere. I'm not saying you are conscious of what they are, or that you're not trying to find them. I'm just saying, try other ways. I do believe they're in there, and not out here.

[soregretful]

OK...thanks. I am glad you have given me your time. It helps to talk. I will take a break if you think it best to not obsess. I just was looking for some reassurance. I feel no better since starting therapy, just like a pervert of some sort and I do not know who, how, or what will make me find the answer. I dipped my pen in poison ink, and I have to live with that the rest of my life. I was just trying to find a way to make it easier, because it sure can't get much harder than this. :confused: Thanks!

[Sissagwaad]

OK...thanks. I am glad you have given me your time. It helps to talk. I will take a break if you think it best to not obsess. I just was looking for some reassurance. I feel no better since starting therapy, just like a pervert of some sort and I do not know who, how, or what will make me find the answer. I dipped my pen in poison ink, and I have to live with that the rest of my life. I was just trying to find a way to make it easier, because it sure can't get much harder than this. :confused: Thanks!

like malign shared, your answers are within you. \

No one can 'make you' do anything, that is your business.\

You could Look for how to maintain focus on, doing whatever helps create authentic happiness and sense of well-being, (if that is truly what you want,) instead of grieving/ regretting some sort of loss.

Why not look for how you can be focused on and experiencing your abundances? or is that all you want to do instead?

Will you choose to be a student of life, and graduate? Just do the work. Your answers are within.

The way to get better, more useful answers, is to ask better, more useful questions, (of yourself,)

A good therapist will not give you their answers, but fascilitate you to discover your own.

[soregretful]

You have given me a lot to think about. Not that I don't already have tons on my mind. Only not trying would be harder....well I am trying my but off and I think it is pretty hard. Maybe I should just let the answer come to me. I don't think it ever will though. I am still afraid of one of my answers, but in the end, it might be the best answer.

There is only one emotion, love....everything else its absence. I definitely do not love myself, so that did kill all the rest of my emotions, except for sadness. I hope I haven't been a bother on here. I just was looking for someone who might have known better than me. I hate me. Living the rest of my life with me doesn't seem too fun. I wish I had life to do it all over again. People who do worse than me feel no pain. I am thinking that I will be in this prison for life, unless the sentence gets shorter.

Thanks for your support. I hope you have prosperous lives that are much more happy than mine will ever be again. That is not a pity party either. That is sincere.

Best wishes,

SR

[Musicman]

I wish I had life to do it all over again. People who do worse than me feel no pain.

SR

There is not a day that goes by that I don't want to "do it all over." I feel pain every day like you do. I just don't let it control my life.

[Luna-]

You know SR, for what it's worth, I think what that so-called "therapist" told you about child porn and 5% was a crock of shit. It's not even true! Kick that little bit of misinformation back where it came from and don't let it mean anything. Some "therapists" are downright dangerous. :mad:

[soregretful]

Thanks Luna. Thanks for not thinking I am a terrible person either. At a time when I needed someone to understand, he kicked me while I was down. Thanks for your support.

[Musicman]

You know SR, for what it's worth, I think what that so-called "therapist" told you about child porn and 5% was a crock of shit. It's not even true! Kick that little bit of misinformation back where it came from and don't let it mean anything. Some "therapists" are downright dangerous. :mad:

I agree with you 100%. I've mentioned several times that any therapist giving him the information that he is receiving is downright bad.

SR, we ALL support you.

[soregretful]

MM....you say you don't let pain control your life...how do you do that? I am in misery!

PS.....I am proud to call you my friend!

[Luna-]

MM....you say you don't let pain control your life...how do you do that?

But Sr ... everyone has been telling you how, for the past 14 pages. You're not listening. It's as if you don't want to hear it, your mind is made up. Try and read back and see the support and let it sink into you?

[Sissagwaad]

You know SR, for what it's worth, I think what that so-called "therapist" told you about child porn and 5% was a crock of shit. It's not even true! Kick that little bit of misinformation back where it came from and don't let it mean anything. Some "therapists" are downright dangerous. :mad:

Although well intended, many who hold themselves out as therapists, do so with goodly desire to 'give back,' (and, because they found a way out of their own darkened thoughts,) believe, because of this they are 'experts' on how to deal with issues others may be dealing with.

They are perhaps the most poorly equipped to be effective authentic therapists, because in fact they are still working on proving themselves to themselves, in pretending to be experts on what it is to walk in anothers shoes.

The most authentic and effective therapists and psychiatrists I have come across, are those 'Students of Life,' that have studied at sometime, the approach taught at the Option Institute.

[IrmaJean]

I think "authentic" is really the key word. I also agree with Luna. What the therapist said to you, SR, was appalling.

You might start out by not repeating over and over that which causes you pain and distress. Ever tried reframing your thoughts?

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

it’s okay to be a bit nervous about opening up to people a lot, but there’s mostly nothing meaningful to silences on here. I have an exceptional talent for meaningful silences. It’s my unconfronting nature (don’t laugh), but I also do really sleep at night.

So you agree with your therapist about the grief that you didn’t get to work through? Are you working on this in therapy? What do you feel is the reason that therapy didn’t yet make you feel better? I think it’s a good idea to try and limit the time you spend thinking about this or set aside a certain time each day when to think about it.

S.

[soregretful]

That could be part of it, S. I was trying to text the boys last night to see if I could see them and got no response. It is like they are gone. Even if I do get to see them, it is like I will just cry and I know I did a lot of that before the whole speedo thing came up. I just loved being needed by them. Now, it has been about two months since I have seen them. I still love them so much. It may have something to do with that. Also, I may be just immature. Grandma dies and I am no one's grandson anymore. One of my best friends is a 10 year old kid (because I enjoy his company and truly do love him), and maybe they are moving on and I am not. Any way, I am still so stunned by what I did and what that therapist said that I am afraid to try with my girlfriend because I think she deserves better.

[IrmaJean]

I just loved being needed by them.

Did their needing you make you feel valuable, SR? It goes back to what I was saying before about needing validation from external sources. Your value and worth is already inside you. You don't need others to give it to you. It's yours already. You need to find your way to that. What do you value about yourself?

Now' date=' it has been about two months since I have seen them. I still love them so much.[/quote']

I have no doubt that you do. What about loving them, what feelings from inside, help you to feel good about yourself? Are you patient and caring with them? Can you feel that from within? Because those gifts are yours to keep. Try embracing them.

Also' date=' I may be just immature. Grandma dies and I am no one's grandson anymore.[/quote']

Again, this is looking for validation from external sources. I think, though, that your grandma being gone doesn't change the fact that you're her grandson. You always will be.

One of my best friends is a 10 year old kid (because I enjoy his company and truly do love him)' date=' and maybe they are moving on and I am not. [/quote']

Do you have friends that are your own age? As an adult, you wouldn't want to be "best friends" with a 10 year old, I don't think. That is not to say that you wouldn't be loving and kind with them, but the relationship is very different than similar age friends. Is it easier to be friends with a young child because a child would be less judgmental and perhaps more accepting of you than an adult might be?

What makes you worthy of loving and valuing yourself? Can you connect with that?

I know I ask a lot of questions. You don't have to answer any of them. I thought it might give you something to think about. Take care today.

[soregretful]

I do have friends my own age, but so many of them have just moved away. I do feel somewhat lonely, and maybe I never realized it. That is why this relationship with this girl is so important. Wish that the demons of my past just stayed there. I realize that having such a close relationship with a 10 year old kid maybe wasn't the best, but he needed me and I needed him. It was kind of like a big brother thing. I want to "grow up", but my past seems like it will never let me be happy again. That plus what the therapist said about my chances of becoming a father.

[Sissagwaad]

I do have friends my own age, but so many of them have just moved away. I do feel somewhat lonely, and maybe I never realized it. That is why this relationship with this girl is so important. Wish that the demons of my past just stayed there. I realize that having such a close relationship with a 10 year old kid maybe wasn't the best, but he needed me and I needed him. It was kind of like a big brother thing. I want to "grow up", but my past seems like it will never let me be happy again. That plus what the therapist said about my chances of becoming a father.

Have you never heard the saying,

What another says, thinks, does, is really non-of my business?

You are the captain of your thoughts, and beliefs. Only you decide what is 'so.' and decide what meaning to give to anything. You Alone.\

So, if one is having difficulties with this 'duty' then do the work. Study, research, be a student to discover how to be a more effective captain.

Becoming a teacher, doesn't mean one stops going to school, and learning.

So, I recommend, if you honestly want things to change for you emotionally, look to how to do it, and........simply do whatever is required to graduate.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Also, I may be just immature. Grandma dies and I am no one's grandson anymore.

I'm 32 years old and I'm temporarily immature all the time.

Still, do you believe you're too old to experience grief?

S.

[Sissagwaad]

I'm 32 years old and I'm temporarily immature all the time.

Still, do you believe you're too old to experience grief?

S.

Fascinating thing about this being a human.

We have choices. Even the choice to deny we have choices

For sure anyone, at any age can suffer themselves grieving.

All one does is focus on aspects of loss, and.....wow....there one is.

Is that where one wants to be, present tense, emotionally?

Would one want to be anywhere else, emotionally?

How? Simply look at the images of ones life differently.

First one must authentically decide if they want a change in how one experiences any aspect of ones life, they do have to learn to focus on the challange, and all the tools at ones disposal and have the goal of change as priority #1.

Daytight compartments, journal, get to know oneself more intimately, forgivingly, charitably, and lovingly. What was then, was then, this is now.

What does one really want, open oneself up to all the tools, and apply oneself totally, and keep notes of ones progress. We can amaze ourselves.