So sorry

[malign]

A mistake isn't something that someone else forces us to do, you know. Otherwise, it would be far easier to be perfect. :-)

I got married, for instance, for a lot of wrong reasons. It was a mistake, and to some extent I regret it. But no one made me do it but me; I executed the paperwork, no one had a gun to my head either ...

And I've already forgiven myself. I imagine that's the key thing.

[Sissagwaad]

Oh my God, I LOVE that movie. It is very inspiring, especially as a teacher, I try to relate that kind of "can do anything" attitude to my students. I want an August Rush story!!

I am trying really hard, Sissa. It is exhausting. My kids at school love me so much. They really went all out for teacher appreciation week. I don't know what course to take in therapy.

What I mean by can't change anything is that the past is done. I know you have said several times it all has to do with the meaning I attach to it. That sounds a lot like my therapist. As far as getting assaulted by memories, it just means that no matter what I focus on, this is there. I am doing a kick ass job teaching, but this is still there. I am up to about 11 requests for next year, but still, this is there. I have all of the pieces and parts of an amazing life to the outsider, but when I come home I just let it all out. I can't figure out how to attach any other meaning than horrible to what I did. And like you asked before, yes, I do feel like I am the only one who has ever dealt with this type of conflict before. Summer is not going to be easy, I anticipate, though I don't know, because when I am not constantly moving at work, I am just trying to sleep to not face "what my life is right now". It is so hard to keep going. I know so badly where I want to be, "I just don't want to feel terrible" on what could be the best journey of my life.

Hugs,

SR

Well don't then.

What you see, volitionally, as your life, is how you decide, for your reasoning, to see 'your life,' and experience it emotionally.

You could just as well be choosing to celebrate all that you in fact are, instead of complaining.

No one can make or convince you to do anything you don't agree to go along with.

Gosh, how would you like it if everyone else hung there heads in shame and moaned incessantly sorrow because they're not perfect?

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you know the rest.

What do you want? To count your blessings, or to complain about choosing regrets instead?

[IrmaJean]

That fact of the matter is that I AM HORRIFIED at what I did. I can't believe it!!!!! What was I even thinking. I can't label this as a mistake because I went there. No one forced me, no one had a gun to my head, no one executed the internet searches, but me! I DID IT, and that is why I feel guilty. ME! No one put me in this crap but me and me alone! ME! You say most people would be horrified, but so am I! I would kick my own ass if I could bend my leg that far.

Okay, SR. I hear you. Is there something that you can accept about this, some part of you that can express these feelings without those feelings destroying you? Feelings, after all, do not define or create us. Your feelings aren't you and you aren't your feelings. You have stated that you feel horrible about this. I recognize this and hear your expressions of such. I hope that you will keep talking with your therapist. How has therapy been going?

[Musicman]

That fact of the matter is that I AM HORRIFIED at what I did. I can't believe it!!!!! What was I even thinking. I can't label this as a mistake because I went there. No one forced me, no one had a gun to my head, no one executed the internet searches, but me! I DID IT, and that is why I feel guilty. ME! No one put me in this crap but me and me alone! ME! You say most people would be horrified, but so am I! I would kick my own ass if I could bend my leg that far.

All it means to make a mistake is that you didn't fully weigh the possible outcomes. You didn't intentionally turn out like this. You never would have viewed any material if you knew this could happen.

Would you kick MY ass? I have great intentions. I believe in the same morals that you do. Still, I've viewed much more obscene material. If you wouldn't kick my ass, you shouldn't kick yours.

[Sissagwaad]

Ok its a fact, you didn't know better.

You feel you ought to have, but how could you if you didn't?

So now you do.

So you're going to continue for how long, ensuring you won't forget this, and for fear you will, you won't? Hello..........

It sounds straight forward to me. You're simply not ready to consider trusting yourself.

Why make it up any more complicated than that?

You'll continue for as long as you refuse to alter your habitual thought patterns. Chemistry and emotions will follow in suit.

It is entirely up to you. How do you really want to be remembered?

What are you doing about it?

Will you choose to be remembered as a bright person, who just couldn't or wouldn't accept he's human, and is supposed to not always do the right thing, but whenever one does, couldn't chalk it up to a valued learning experience, and continue being of service, or something more?

your choice

[soregretful]

Believe me, guys,

It's not that I don't think I have value or anything like that. I have plenty of value to others, I just don't value myself. Irma, I don't think there is a part of me that can accept this. This is the last place I expected to be in my life. You had better believe I didn't know any better. If I had, I would certainly have never gone there. Sissa, the just thought that I made this "mistake" is something I just can't justify in any way. I can chalk it up to a lesson learned, and I can even on some level accept that it was a mistake in the terms that you defined it, it's just that why should I have to be miserable the rest of my life paying for this one? Maybe I don't have this volitional vision yet, and maybe I am viewing myself as society would. That is how I want to be viewed, just like anyone else, and clearly, I am not like that. Each day I wake up and am counting the days off of my life. I could be counting forever. There is nothing that I can do that makes me feel truly happy anymore. I just don't know how to get there. I get to throw out a pitch at an MLB game for being teacher of the month. I wish I could pitch more than just that damn ball.

[soregretful]

All it means to make a mistake is that you didn't fully weigh the possible outcomes. You didn't intentionally turn out like this. You never would have viewed any material if you knew this could happen.

Would you kick MY ass? I have great intentions. I believe in the same morals that you do. Still, I've viewed much more obscene material. If you wouldn't kick my ass, you shouldn't kick yours.

MM, you are just a kid. I am older than that. Kids make mistakes, but I, in my "wisdom". should have known better.

[Musicman]

MM, you are just a kid. I am older than that. Kids make mistakes, but I, in my "wisdom". should have known better.

Didn't you, yourself, say that you were young when you made your mistake? On the first page of this thread, you said:

This was back in my stupid days of my youth.

I assume that "youth" means that you were not much older than I. I consider myself wise beyond my years. This doesn't mean that I believe myself to be smarter than others my age. It means that I have many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that typically aren't felt by most until they are older. Surely, not many 16-year-olds have a tremendous desire to raise a child. Very few others are haunted by the fact that they are pedophiles, under constant fear of arrest for possession of obscene images, and not receiving any treatment. If there's one good thing that came out of my pedophilia, it's that I grew a compassion for children. The point I'm trying to make is that this has been (and is) a great learning opportunity. Surely, you must have learned something valuable from your mistakes. I would take a bullet to save any child. From what I gather, you would too. You are nothing but a hero, no matter how crappy you feel, and no matter how much you deny it.

You had better believe I didn't know any better. If I had, I would certainly have never gone there.

Surely, this quote must mean SOMETHING to you. You realize that you hadn't weighed all the outcomes. Why beat yourself up for something you didn't know? Guilt exists so that we don't repeat mistakes. You made your mistake and feel very guilty for doing so. Why lock yourself in a dark closet, suffocating for air? A decent citizen is one who willingly strays from what he/she knows is bad. A good citizen is one who helps out the community -- Someone like you.

Another thing we seem to have in common is high anxiety. Although admittedly, you suffer much worse. I know what it's like to be anxious. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I highly recommend you do something to help control it. A few days ago, someone posted a few links for different methods to do so. For your own good, PLEASE consider.

Lastly, why would you want to be viewed the way society as a whole would view you if they knew your past? While we certainly don't know you too well, you've shared more with us than you would any stranger. If the public knew of my crime, I'd probably be murdered before a sentence could even be passed. I thank God every day that I have never harmed a child. I've said it over and over again, but in the end, it all comes down to how much good you do vs how much bad you do. If you made one victomless mistake in your life, but have gone on to help and bring joy to so many children (hell, you've even indirectly helped me,) aren't you a hero? You've touched many lives, which is more than I can say I've done.

One last question: Would you say that you are in at least slightly better shape than when you started posting on these forums?

SR, the closest I ever come to crying is while I'm sitting here typing, offering you my support and deeply reflecting on myself. For that, I once again thank you.

[IrmaJean]

It's not that I don't think I have value or anything like that. I have plenty of value to others, I just don't value myself.

Stop for a moment and read this back to yourself. It's contradictory... Your value as a human being comes from yourself and not from others. Others may help you to discover and see your own value, but they don't give it to you. I think of value and worth as coming from within. This is something that is felt internally. While others may value and appreciate you and this is a good thing, ultimately it does not fill the holes. It may seem to temporarily, but I think that this is something you need to connect with so that you may learn to value and appreciate yourself.

For instance, when I am supporting others here, or being kind to another person, I experience positive feelings about myself. While I am doing this, I am allowing my gifts to come to light, and thus feel them from within. Sure it feels good if someone else comes to value my gifts, but the true and deeper value (the one that will always be mine) is in my potential for this. I value those aspects of myself, and know this is part of me and always will be. This way I am filling my own cup and not relying on others to fill it for me.

Try connecting with the parts of yourself that you value, and see where this leads you. It may take some time, but once you have learned to appreciate yourself, you won't be as dependent on others to provide for you what you already possess. What do you think?

[soregretful]

I really don't value that much about myself anymore. This #@$@% mistake overshadows everything I have ever done. Does it matter that I am an excellent teacher (was...I am half assing everything now)? No. Does it matter that I have all these requests? No. Does it matter that those 2 boys love me like they are family and in some instances I need to be? No. I feel like crap. I can't come to terms with this no matter when it was done. It just jumped up and bit my ass. I am so sick of this life. This is BS. I can pretend that this is going to be better, but it isn't. The only way it could is if I never did it. Such a dumbass and I DO NOT forgive myself because this was not an accident. STUPID!!! Not even illegal, but so damn stupid. Can't even sleep without meds anymore. I may be beating myself up, but that is all I deserve in my opinion. And maybe that's all I get for not changing my mindset, but that is all I deserve. I should sit back and wallow in the crap I immersed myself in because no one got me into this but me, so I should enjoy the rest of my crappy ass life. I doubt any kind of therapy will help me because talking can't take back what I did. And socitety would be horrified, well you know what, I am not sure I can't say I don't blame them. I can't believe less than a year ago I was as happy as I could be.

[Musicman]

The only reason that therapy wouldn't help you is because you have the mindset that you don't want it to. You can't receive help if you refuse to accept it. I don't believe that you couldn't care less, as your last comment implied. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be looking for help on these forums.

If I'm a good person, you're better. If you're bad, I'm worse. Let me tell you though, I sure as hell am not bad. I don't want to hear any "age difference" bullshit. We both know that it's irrelevant. Why is it that I am able to live with myself, but you've contemplated suicide numerous times? No one here can help you if you refuse to listen. We are still willing to help you here, but you can understand why we'd be frustrated. Your last statement reminded me a lot of an earlier post you made. You'd looked up local gun shops so that you could end it all. Have we really made no progress? You are constantly saying that your girlfriend can do better than you. That's only true because you refuse to improve yourself.

Are you on any meds? Make sure that anything you take isn't giving you side effects like depression. I'd also talk to your therapist about taking anti-depressants.

[soregretful]

The only reason that therapy wouldn't help you is because you have the mindset that you don't want it to. You can't receive help if you refuse to accept it. I don't believe that you couldn't care less, as your last comment implied. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be looking for help on these forums.

If I'm a good person, you're better. If you're bad, I'm worse. Let me tell you though, I sure as hell am not bad. I don't want to hear any "age difference" bullshit. We both know that it's irrelevant. Why is it that I am able to live with myself, but you've contemplated suicide numerous times? No one here can help you if you refuse to listen. We are still willing to help you here, but you can understand why we'd be frustrated. Your last statement reminded me a lot of an earlier post you made. You'd looked up local gun shops so that you could end it all. Have we really made no progress? You are constantly saying that your girlfriend can do better than you. That's only true because you refuse to improve yourself.

Are you on any meds? Make sure that anything you take isn't giving you side effects like depression. I'd also talk to your therapist about taking anti-depressants.

If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be looking for help. I am looking for help, and I sure as heck want to get better, more than anyone, but I don't get anyone saying I am refusing to improve myself. I am going to all these doctors, etc, but all that I can think of is my mistakes. I really don't know how to get better. I am on about 5 meds. I am not taking the antidepressant, because to tell you the truth, I am not depressed, just pissed off at myself.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

could it be that therapy doesn't make you feel better yet, because it's not been long enough? I reckon if it has been five months and you spent them on two therapists, the one you currently have might not have had a lot of time to develop a way of helping that suits you. I also believe that the way your first therapy turned out you might actually be hesitant to trust your therapist now.

S.

[soregretful]

All I know is that I am sorry. All I know is that I made a huge mistake that I wish for the life of me I could take back. I know every day hurts. Why did I do this? I never realized it would hurt me so much. The stupid thing is that I always had this little guilt complex when I did things, saying that was not right. Why didn't I stop. I hate myself so much. How could I have been so dumb? Now this problem is going to be the first thing on my mind for the rest of my life. It is so sad. I can't believe I have done this!

[IrmaJean]

Are you talking about all of this in therapy, SR? Are you talking about your thought processes, your relationship with the boys, your feelings about yourself? Of course, you don't have to answer my questions. I think you will find, though, that as you learn to think about things differently, and build your feelings of self-worth, mistakes will no longer crumble you or define you in the way that they seem to be doing right now. Rather than focusing on your actions of the past, try focusing anew on your actions today. You're drowning yourself in your past, when perhaps you can learn to swim strongly ahead in the future. Therapy is hard work. Are you being challenged in therapy? Sometimes the match is not ideal, and it is wise to keep searching.

MM, as an aside I have to note that you are very intelligent, well-spoken, and insightful, and at age 16! This is something that will be very beneficial to you in helping yourself.

[soregretful]

SoO,

I don't know how therapy is going to make me feel better. No matter what is said, I just hate what I did and I don't really feel any better about it. I still feel like some kind of quasi pedophile, and even associating myself with that word make me sick. I literally can make myself throw up when I think about what I did and have on several occasions. I just can't believe this is it! I want better, but am not sure how therapy is going to make me feel better about myself. I am just sad. How could I have blown this great life I was given? Every morning I tell God I am sorry, and every night, I cry myself to sleep. The time in between is just as bad. Guys, I don't know, what will therapy do for me. How will it get any better. MM has suggested making a new future....well, that hasn't worked either. I just can't be this sad every day. It is so hard to put a show on at work. What happened to me? Last year at this time, I felt so good about myself. I look at the pictures from the first day of this school year and realize, hey, that is the last day I was myself, as it is the day my grandma died. That is the last day I remember being me. It has gone tragically downhill from there and all this stuff has come zipping back. Do you think I should keep going to therapy? I am just not sure how its going to help. What will anyone say to make me feel better. I just don't even know. I am SO SORRY GOD!!! This isn't how it was supposed to turn out!

[Sissagwaad]

SoO,

I don't know how therapy is going to make me feel better. No matter what is said, I just hate what I did and I don't really feel any better about it. I still feel like some kind of quasi pedophile, and even associating myself with that word make me sick. I literally can make myself throw up when I think about what I did and have on several occasions. I just can't believe this is it! I want better, but am not sure how therapy is going to make me feel better about myself. I am just sad. How could I have blown this great life I was given? Every morning I tell God I am sorry, and every night, I cry myself to sleep. The time in between is just as bad. Guys, I don't know, what will therapy do for me. How will it get any better. MM has suggested making a new future....well, that hasn't worked either. I just can't be this sad every day. It is so hard to put a show on at work. What happened to me? Last year at this time, I felt so good about myself. I look at the pictures from the first day of this school year and realize, hey, that is the last day I was myself, as it is the day my grandma died. That is the last day I remember being me. It has gone tragically downhill from there and all this stuff has come zipping back. Do you think I should keep going to therapy? I am just not sure how its going to help. What will anyone say to make me feel better. I just don't even know. I am SO SORRY GOD!!! This isn't how it was supposed to turn out!

How is it you have to or need to know 'how therapy will help you?'

It seems you're about maintaining a relationship with 'friend' fear, instead of searching out how to develope a relationship with perhaps more useful 'friend' trust.

[Sissagwaad]

How is it you have to or need to know 'how therapy will help you?'

It seems you're about maintaining a relationship with 'friend' fear, instead of searching out how to develope a relationship with perhaps more useful 'friend' trust.

One of the authors one of the stimulating women in my life introduced me to, astutely wrote, "Its ALL about Relationships" Umm, and I'm thinking, yes, all about HOW we relate, see, interpret, and respond, indeed.

With that thought Grasshopper, how are you going to 'relate,' to think of yourself and your life today?

(A wise person is one that relates to a "new day" being a "new life")

So, the question for you is, are you willing to embrace and celebrate being wiser now, or not?

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I don't expect you to know how therapy will make you feel better, when this is rather a question you could ask your therapist. I think you should give your therapist a fair chance and that's all I can say, since actually I don't know more about your therapy than that you have it. You're not talking about it much.

S.

[soregretful]

I don't expect you to know how therapy will make you feel better, when this is rather a question you could ask your therapist. I think you should give your therapist a fair chance and that's all I can say, since actually I don't know more about your therapy than that you have it. You're not talking about it much.

S.

I am trying to give therapy a chance. New therapist is a nice guy. I have tried learning some things to calm down guilt, but they don't seem to be working. I can't let this go. I want it to be a new day and a "learning experieince", but I am hating my actions so much. So hard to love life when you hate what you did so much. I want it to fade away, but right now the feeling is oh, I am going to be this 50 year old guy who did this one day. I don't even want to make it that far feeling like this. My psychiatrist says taking the meds will make the guilt just melt away and that keeping the guilt is a good thing so I don't go astray. Believe me, I am not going astray, but no guilt is melting away at all. I feel just as horrible about myself as I did five months ago. The last 5 months have been such a blur because I have lived them in such pain and mental anguish. I can't even face life without crying. I think summer 2011 might have a bullet with my name on it. I can't live like this. I don't want anyone to say, well don't, because it is NOT a choice. I feel horrible.

[Sissagwaad]

I am trying to give therapy a chance. New therapist is a nice guy. I have tried learning some things to calm down guilt, but they don't seem to be working. I can't let this go. I want it to be a new day and a "learning experieince", but I am hating my actions so much. So hard to love life when you hate what you did so much. Exactly

I want it to fade away, but right now "the feeling" is oh, I am going to be this 50 year old guy who did this one day. So what? I don't even want to make it that far feeling like this. why not explore 'that feeling?' Isn't it the result of fear? distrust of yourself, an insistance of not wanting to consider valuing and appreciating your experience

My psychiatrist says taking the meds will make the guilt just melt away and that keeping the guilt is a good thing so I don't go astray. i believe this is your interpretation. I would think he was attempting to fascilitate you accepting "why" you are holding on for dear life to experiencing guilt so dramatically.....because of your held belief that it is 'the only way' you can feel safe about the issue of your not being willing to trust yourself otherwise

sssBelieve me, I am not going astray, but no guilt is melting away at all. I feel just as horrible about myself as I did five months ago.

The last 5 months have been such a blur because I have lived them in such pain and mental anguish. I can't even face life without crying.

its not that you 'can't' you won't.

You are too intent on hating, that you have no time for loving.

You keep telling yourself, and convincing yourself you 'can't.'

I can assure you drugs are not going to solve or change your thinking and belief choices.

Drugs will succeed in interfering with the normal and natural way your brain responds to your programing. It is being proven repeatedly that placebo's are far safer than the confusion and adverse side-effects of guesswork and experimentation with drugs.

[soregretful]

I disagree, Sissa.

Why would I embrace this as a learning experience? How can I chalk this up to stupidity. Everyone is telling me I don't want help and I don't want to feel better....that's a load of crap. Every day I wake up is a challenge and I think maybe today I will feel a little better....nope....not even a bit.

I do not understand how people can just say to me I am not choosing to feel better.....like I would choose to say miserable? Like I want people to feel sorry? No, I don't. I think people should be shoving me off like trash. I am surprised my family hasn't. I am not about to say I am a good person who made a mistake, because where I am at, I am not a good person for having done this. Life sucks, not because I am choosing for it to, but because no matter what I do, this will be there the rest of my life. Why in the heck would anyone choose to live in misery? I ask you that honestly. It's like saying well, you can have a pain free life or you can be racked with cancer. Why would anyone choose pain? I disagree with you that I am choosing to live like this. I am not embracing fear at all. I am not afraid of anything except the person I am. I would shoot his ass in a heartbeat.

[Sissagwaad]

I disagree, Sissa.

Why would I embrace this as a learning experience? How can I chalk this up to stupidity. Well, you don't have to #1. You can if you prefer continue choosing to not embrace anything sense of value towards experiencing what you have other than what you've convinced yourself is right and proper, etc etc

Everyone is telling me I don't want help and I don't want to feel better....that's a load of crap. No they are not. That is just your interpretation.

Do you also deny you are resisting applying yourself to doing yourself any other way?

Every day I wake up is a challenge and I think maybe today I will feel a little better....nope....not even a bit. Why maybe? Why not decide, and do it. Maybe it is simply too comfortable a discomfortable rut. Its like at some level you know you can drive down other streets, but you insist on driving on the same rutted washed out one, crying out, oh I just can't. How old are you, emotionally anyway? Geesh. Wake up man, there are roses all around you, why do you insist on not 'seeing them?'

I do not understand how people can just say to me I am not choosing to feel better.....like I would choose to say miserable? Well hello. is anyone else, or something else holding you back? Like I want people to feel sorry? No, I don't.

"I think people should be shoving me off like trash. I am surprised my family hasn't. I am not about to say I am a good person who made a mistake, because where I am at, I am not a good person for having done this. Life sucks, not because I am choosing for it to, but because no matter what I do, this will be there the rest of my life." Who is the thinker of these thoughs? Who is creating this line of BS? How is it working for you?

Why in the heck would anyone choose to live in misery? People do what they do for a simple reason. People do the best they can to take care of themselves, all the time I ask you that honestly. It's like saying well, you can have a pain free life or you can be racked with cancer. Why would anyone choose pain? My friend, there is a huge difference between PAIN, AND SUFFERING.

I disagree with you that I am choosing to live like this. Who the f** is it then, tell us so we can all kick his ass so to wake him up from his stupor I am not embracing fear at all. I am not afraid of anything except the person I am. I would shoot his ass in a heartbeat.

What amazing do it to oneself attitude, truly. Carry on, whatevers

[IrmaJean]

I can understand that you are feeling frustrated, Sissa, but we need to remain respectful at all times here. SR is clearly suffering, and he needs our support.

SR, I appreciate and hear that you are trying your very best to be well again. Please take gentle care of yourself.

[soregretful]

I am sorry if I sound hopeless guys. Maybe this is the place where you come when you make mistakes that the rest of the world wouldn't view as disgusting. It's not like I am not sorry and wish everyday I hadn't done this. When over 5,000 people view your post and don't respond, which in reality is higher than that since probably 85% of the posts are from me, you know that they are thinking, oh my God, that person is sick. I don't blame them. Those of you that had the tenacity to forge past the opening post in the thread, I commend you. A few years ago, had I read it, I probably wouldn't have responded either. I would have thought, what a freaking sicko...and now I come to realize, oh, that sicko is me. I don't think I am returning to therapy, I simply can't afford it. It's not like it is going to be helpful. Shoot, I don't even have any groceries in my house. I had to swipe a cold pizza from the teacher's lounge so I could eat dinner tonight. I am probably going to lose a lot if I keep going to therapy at $150 bucks a session. I just can't afford to get better. I can't keep buying meds thinking that they will make me better when it is clearly a "choice" as Sissa points out. My eyes are numb from crying....I think every day is going to be like this. I should win an award for the performance I put on at school. Everyone thinks I have this perfect life. I think I am probably beyond help here. I have my life to live, but I don't really have the will to live it anymore. If that is a choice, I guess that is what I am choosing, like I would want to. I made one dumb choice, and now all the rest of my life is governed by that choice. I think that roses are things I used to see before I realized what an idiot I am.