So sorry

[Sissagwaad]

Had a knife to my chest. Thought about it for a second. Not sure what stopped me.

Seems you're trying to impress yourself again about how sorryful you are......as if you need to?:confused:

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi soregretful,

we are talking to you, but I'm not here in the middle of the night, not even every day, and this forum has a slow pace. You need some more patience with yourself and if you feel you're in a crisis you need to call someone for help or go to a hospital to be monitored.

I hope you feel better today.

Did you have a chance to talk to your therapist about things you can do everyday to feel better? Are you taking medication?

I don't see how it's funny that you want kids.

Also, I don't find it that important why you did something years ago. I find it important what you do to yourself now.

S.

[Sissagwaad]

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm of any use for you s.i.

I love you for the part of God,s reflection that you have been created to share.

I imagine God as doing the same, as do others who have been stimulated by you, to share their love for you with you..... Yet ????????

Instead of wanting to bathe yourself in this realization, and to count your blessings, you blythly choose, because of your beliefs of knowing better, ignore this version of reality, for another based on fearing, distrusting yourself, and ignoring that part of you which is God/Love.

What do you imagine God to be thinking/doing?

Do you imagine an entity shaking its finger at you, belittling you, blaming you, punishing you?

Me? not that it matters, (because they are my chosen thoughts,) imagines him sitting down, shaking his head, at the bizarre silliness of you ignoring all the goodness, and love that he fascilitates before you every waking moment, and instead choosing to wallow in self recrimination, self pity, and 'sorrowfulness,' instead of authentic gratitude.

My friend, the flavor of life any of us experience, from moment to moment, is entirely self-chosen. The sooner you leave your pity-party, and begin to learn and practice a happier, gratitude celebration, you will have it......

Moment to moment, choices. That is all, and everything. love and hugs bw

ps: please don't imagine drugs or medication is going to magically cure you to make more useful choices, they really don't. Only you do that, and drugs, while they may momentarily mask or distract you from them, they will come back, oftenly with more frustration and complication than one could have with clear headedness. (IMHO and wide experience)

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I don't believe that soregretful is being silly or having a pity party.

[soregretful]

That's just it.....I imagine God up there saying "My son, I forgive you.", because that is the way I was brought up. I have even considered my phone divine intervention because it seems to go off when it is dead at the times when I am the lowest. It's not like I am not sorry, but all I do anymore is cry with regret. Just cry. Cry that I have been so foolish...even if it was a silly mistake. Cry that I can't take it back. Cry just to release myself a little bit. I have such a huge guilt complex. I want to live without it, but the only way it seems, is to have never done it. I go to sleep when I am able to fall asleep to avoid dealing with life and the pain I am in right now. I would love to have a family, but I can't even muster up enough energy to take care of my cat. Guys, I am not trying to ignore you at all, and this is why I signed up for this forum. I want to talk before I do something stupid. I want someone out there who maybe has a little more insight to say it takes time, but it will be OK and know it from experience. I am scared of being this way forever. I am so sad all the time, and it is killing my family, even though I told them everything, showed them the sites and everything. They actually kind of laughed and said that it was weird, but understanding my obsession with speedos, they said they understood it. That has to be what it is in my mind....I signed up for the swim team in 9th grade just to wear one, had a collection of them that aroused me when I was younger, etc. I don't know why it ever turned into looking at kids, but it is the single biggest mistake of my life, even if it was innocent. Living every day is so hard....I just want to know that one day it will be OK. I don't want to hurt a kid, and until this year, was an extremely revered teacher. I want to have a family so badly, but I have a hard time even living with myself. Like I posted, I went on dates to start the next phase of my life and when I started, none of this even mattered. Now it is killing me. I know and believe in my heart that God forgives me. I have done everything I know how to do to try to feel better, but I don't. My family loves me, despite knowing everything....my students love me, but there is no happiness in anything....just emotion cloaked in guilt. I don't know where to go. I am running but getting nowhere. People say I am not trying....well, you are wrong, I am trying everything I know to get better...none of which is working. When I first posted, I said you would all hate me, but I was wrong...you guys have been nothing but giving and supportive....I am the one who hates me. I just need a mental hug. I need to feel worthy of living....and before you tell me that the only one who can feel that is me.....I know. I am not in that place...I feel like a slime ball. I am so ashamed of myself. I hate living like this.....my choice or not....that is how I am feeling....maybe I don't know any other way to view what I did as OK. I am heartbroken. That is why I am on here. I just need a mental hug.

[Sissagwaad]

I don't believe that soregretful is being silly or having a pity party.

Cool (something) how would you describe what sr is doing to himself? (present tense)

Is sr enjoying, growing? in whatever flavor of party, any of us might 'lable' he is choosing to indulge in?

Is he choosing to focus on appreciating, valuing, what he has, ??? or choosing to worry about other imagenings?

Sr is free, or self-imprisoned. And, if he is experiencing feelings of being self-imprisoned, He is still free, and with options. And I for me, celebrate that

[Sissagwaad]

mental hugs? lol, what you see is what you get

think about your choices, and realize you are free to reach out and change em

[IrmaJean]

Let's remember to be respectful of one another please. I think that both of you have provided good insight to this thread. We're on the same side here of wanting to support SR.

I am always willing to provide hugs if you are in a safe enough place where you are willing to accept one, SR. Again, I would want to know if expressing your feelings is offering you relief. There is a balance you'd want to achieve between acknowledging your emotions and pain and bathing in it. The eventual goal is to move forward. Where are you in this? Is more talking hurting or helping?

[soregretful]

Irma,

Yes...I think talking about stuff helps greatly. That is why I am here. Like I said, an answer may take a while, but maybe the guilty side of me wants to hasten things along. I have a heck of a girlfriend waiting for me. I just feel too guilty to be around her. I have kissed her now, but I feel like I am poison to everyone and everything I touch. I was maybe even hoping to find someone on here who was dealing with a similar issue that could maybe counsel me. That is why I opened the book on me so much. I was hoping maybe someone who has been through this (because I know there are people that do much worse than I and live with no regret at all) could offer some insight. I guess I will tell you all right now that my uncle was actually convicted of sexually abusing a child. I would never want to be like that, but it looks like I ended up in a very close second. Literally, kids are my life, I love teaching them, and used to take a lot of happiness home with me. Still, I can a little, seeing my little first graders being able to read and add so much better. I just don't feel good about the choices I made...even if they were innocent and didn't seem like a big deal at the time. To make matters worse, people are reviewing or putting their opinion in on some of the things I looked at, and probably a lot of it was just looking, saying they are a pedophile's dream come true. I UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES want to have sexual relations with a child at all. I have an uncle that arrested for that for God sakes!! So why didn't I know better?

[Sissagwaad]

Irma,

So why didn't I know better?

The answer? Obviously you didn't, then. Period.

That was then, this is now.

Another question: When will the sorrowfulness, regretting, be suffice?

Can you do anything about 'then,,' back when you didn't know better?

What are you intending 'doing now?'

Will you choose to celebrate the having learned, or regret the lesson?

One of my mentors BNK, (Teacher and founder of the Option Institute) also wrote recently a biographic entitled "No Regrets"

It might be useful to explore the ramifications of choosing to evaluate being regretful, or not.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES want to have sexual relations with a child at all.

Your uncle obviously did want to have sexual relations with a child. Maybe that is difficult to accept or to reconcile with the image you had of your uncle. But I'm quite sure not wanting what your uncle wanted, makes you different rather than similar.

S.

[soregretful]

I should have known better than, S. God was trying to warn me and stupid me goes running right through the sign, I guess. I am going to live every day with this guilt....and like Sissa said, I put myself in this prison. God, I hate myself. I can go to all the therapy in the world, like Sissa said, but it has to start with me. I don't know where to go. I hate that I am where I am now. I can't erase this...it's either live with it or die with it. I am not sure what is going to happen. Certainly, I am not the most terrible person in the world, but I feel pretty darn close. I hate life....I hate living like this....even if I am doing it to myself. I hate everything about me right now. Yeah...Great teacher, but not happy. I hate this...why did I put myself in this position? I am so stupid!!!! Before anyone says I am beating myself up, what would you call it....certainly not smart!!! Living like this the rest of my life is really not an option. The said thing is I finally found love and got as close as I ever could to realizing my dreams before this hit me. I guess some mistakes are not forgivable. I hate myself. Why wasn't I smarter? Every day is hell for me.....and did I put myself there...yeah! So no one is to blame but me!! I am not sure I will make it through this.

[IrmaJean]

Your actions in the past did not put you in a prison. You are putting yourself in a prison now by punishing yourself. I also wonder if talking about this with you doesn't worsen things for you. You need to shift your focus, and not bury yourself with this.

What else is happening in your life?

[soregretful]

So,

How do I escape? I do not know how to. I can't change what I did, even though no one but me was hurt. What can I do? I am already seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, and keeping active otherwise. I need the jail cell keys. I did not even do anything against the law, but I so badly just want to die from guilt. I am dating my girlfriend and teaching, both of which I would love under normal circumstances. I just can't believe I put myself here.

[hatemeds]

The jail cell keys are in your hands brother - you're staring at them. Now you just have to make up your mind to use them. Only you can walk away from this trap you're perpetuating. The more you talk and debate, the more you're tightening the shackles.

Make the decision brother - walk away from this and get on with living.

*****

[soregretful]

I wish it were that easy....every step I take I am reminded of what I did. It sucks to be me now so bad. I can be patient or whatever, but it has been 4 months, almost 5, or pure hell over something that happened a while ago. I can't believe it!!!

[hatemeds]

Okay let me ask you this question. Do you realise that you are obsessing and making things far worse by repeating your dilemma over and over again. Can you stand back and see that much?

[soregretful]

Maybe.....but even when I do stuff, I can't keep my mind off of it. I did nothing to anyone, but feel terrible. I can't live a normal life!! Hatemeds, you said we all did things we regret, but I am sure that this is pretty bass ackwards. Even the man that did things to you.....how does he live with himself? My God, I can't even bear the thought of living with myself for what I did. How can someone that actually hurt someone feel OK about themselves?

[malign]

Who cares how other people do it, 'so'? That's a distraction, as is the strong emoting ("how can I live with myself?", when you're somehow managing, right this minute.)

Strong suggestion: stop asking yourself rhetorical questions. Stop telling yourself things are impossible.

And, talk to your therapist. Have you described to them how you feel about this, how much of your time it's taking up? If you have, and they've offered you no suggestions, make a serious attempt to find another therapist. Keep doing that until you find someone who does help you.

[hatemeds]

Well sorry to burst your self destructing bubble but this dude lives with himself just fine and dandy - and I hate to have to tell you - I still chat to the man every now and again. Who cares what his rap is anyway - he's clearly found a way to live with himself and here you sit and you aint done nothin!!!

Well brother - if you continue the way youre going its this negative self talk thats gonna put you in an early grave not the thoughts/things you are so worried about and no one else is. No disrespect man but I kinda got to thinkin that if it werent that - then you'd find something else to obsess about. Cos its your thoughts that are beating you up - not your minor strayings!!!!

Hell - why not personalise that little chatty fella in your brain and every time it raises its ugly head - you say "back off bitch - I've got a life to live!!!"

I mean hell man you sound like such a talented and genuine dude in every way and you need to start putting these things into perspective - you got a noggin - use it man - laugh at those obsessive thoughts if you have to. Life's too short to get stuck in your head man!!

****

[soregretful]

("how can I live with myself?", when you're somehow managing, right this minute.)

What I am doing right now is not living! I feel awful. I am not sure what anyone could say to me to make me feel any better. I didn't break the law by any means, but I feel horrible. I would give people my address and fly them out here if they think that they could help. I just want everything to go away. I have thrown up literally thinking about what I did. Right now, I am in a place where the only way to be better is to never have done anything. I don't know if that is me being a perfectionist or what. The fact that people make sites filled with this stuff says that people have a way to deal with it way better than I do. Some even break the law and hurt kids. I can't stand it!!!

[hatemeds]

okay dude so lets throw the ball back in your court. By your own admission youre not living - right now - you cant stand it. So what do you think it would take to start living?

[soregretful]

Right now...I just need to be free of these thoughts. I remember stuff like it was yesterday. I wish I had never looked, but it wasn't anything illegal. That is where I am now...I need to find a way to stop feeling so darn guilty.

[Sissagwaad]

("how can I live with myself?", when you're somehow managing, right this minute.)

What I am doing right now is not living! I feel awful.

I am not sure what anyone could say to me to make me feel any better.

EXACTLY. no one can do anything to "MAKE" you anything.....

You do that all by yourself, in direct accordance, with the beliefs you appear so married to never letting go of

I didn't break the law by any means, but I feel horrible.

I would give people my address and fly them out here if they think that they could help. I just want everything to go away.

No one, no one, can do that for you.

That is your dominion. No one can interfere with what you freely, in accordance with your beliefs, continue to do.

I have thrown up literally thinking about what I did. It would seem that is what you want to do, rather than anything else, ie think badly of yourself.

Right now, I am in a place where the only way to be better is to never have done anything. I don't know if that is me being a perfectionist or what. More like simply unrealistic. avoidance of valuing the lesson

The fact that people make sites filled with this stuff says that people have a way to deal with it way better than I do. Some even break the law and hurt kids. I can't stand it!!!Isn't what other people do, really not your business? Isn't this a convoluted way to tell yourself that even if others do this, AND discover a way to recover, you really don't want to believe it is possible to recover, or to change?

Study, Research, Learn:

Focus on 'wants' that you've learned are desireable long term, vs distractions of 'not wants' and fears

[malign]

Here's a question, 'so': if you hadn't remembered this event, would you have no regrets of any kind, or would you move on to the next worst thing?

You are living, though; you're just living with a lot of pain (I'm not minimizing the pain, here.) My point is that lots of people do live with pain. What you're concerned about is permanence. Yet, instead of going out and immediately doing something (anything) that would change the pain level, you're choosing (yes, choosing) to sit there gouging at the wound.

No one will "say something" to you that will "make [you] feel any better." What a therapist may be able to do (if you let them) is to help you see why this bothers you so much, when it doesn't bother any of us to hear about it.

In fact, I'd rather talk about relationships. How did your parents get along? What did your childhood teach you about the idea of being a father yourself, some day? Suddenly, you found someone who made you think you might be a father, maybe even soon, and you recovered this haunting memory. Could you be running from something?