malign Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 'So', doesn't that bring up the crux of the problem, literally?You don't have any information that He didn't forgive you, long ago. The only person judging (and punishing) you, here, is you. I suspect when He said "Vengeance is Mine", He meant that you weren't allowed to punish yourself, either. Why are you so determined to take over His job? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 I guess I punished myself. Maybe I was just a dumb kid exploring his sexuality. But why little kids. I was about their age when it started. Is it normal in this sense? It was always speedos........every time......I swear to God. Not sure why. It was always speedos and I can remember always wanting one when I was a kid. I am not trying to punish myself....that IA just how guilty I feel. Especially now that I have a girlfriend who wants kids. My one therapist says I have unknowingly made my body attracted to boys by doing this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 I just feel so bad I exploited kiddos who I live for and love more than anything else. I just can't live with the guilt. Under any circumstance I don't think it was a good decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 You're still punishing yourself. That seems to me to be the only purpose of guilt for something that never even harmed anyone except maybe you._Is_ your body attracted to boys? That's not how it sounds, from your description. Maybe you became accustomed to the fantasies you had, for a while, but it doesn't sound like it's ongoing. So why is the punishment still going on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 I think that when fears become irrational and thoughts intrusive, purpose may even be around anxiety and fear itself and not so much on the specific focus of such...if that makes any sense. Maybe you could consider symbolism in this. What is the purpose of fear and what does that fear prevent you from doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 I don’t think that therapist was right in this or else phrased it badly, if his meaning was supposed to be different. You might need a better therapist. If this is bringing you down so much without any relief, you could also consider medication to help you overcome that sad light on everything. You could find a psychiatrist for medication or a therapist in the yellow pages or ask your gp for advice. That’s your first homework. I believe that you can work through this issue and get the life that you want. I even believe that you deserve help. It’s more important that you believe it, though. You fell into a trap (a mental trap) and now it’s time to figure out how you can climb out.S. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 I just feel really bad that I even looked Irma. That is what the guilt is all from. That I used children in this way is so disappointing. I love kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 You didn't use any children, though, 'so'. You used colored ink on sheets of paper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 That means a lot. I love my girlfriend so much. Why did my past have to haunt me? Why did I ever go on the site? I never for one second wanted to hurt a kid. I just can't figure this out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Oh guys keep talking! I feel a little bit better. I want my wife and kids so bad. That is all I've ever wanted but I feel too guilty to go after it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Stupid internet! Why would I have ever done this? What kind of therapy do you think it will take and how long? I had one therapist say child porn. No...this was stuff on public SITES! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 'So', in the long run, we could talk ourselves blue and not do you any good.The person who needs to keep talking to you is you.It will take whatever kind of therapy it takes, right? There's no reason to wait to find out, is there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 I am seeing a psychiatrist and a Gestalt therapist. I am trying but my guilt is killing me. I could even tell you the site...no Cp so but I feel just as bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 SR, I agree with Malign. The only person that can release you from your guilt is you. You don't need the approval/permission of others to live your dream. Do you think that expressing your feelings offers you some relief or does it intensify your guilt/pain/anxiety? If it is helpful to express yourself, you might try journaling. I find if I can write and write about my feelings, it eventually lessens the intensity of emotion behind my responses. It works well for me, but I also know that everyone is different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 doesn't it seem funny that someone who looked at what I did wants kids? U guys have heard my whole story. Does it seem strange? we do stupid stuff and not realize how it will affect us i guess. I just want to break free frim the guilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Oh gosh guys.....I am sooooooooo sorry. Need help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 What is it, SR, that you are needing from us? Maybe you could take your mind off this some by reading others' posts and offering support. It might be helpful to connect with positive aspects of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 I just wondered if you had an idea with what kind of therapy works best. I don't know...just feel horrible irma. This wasn't supposed to happen. I started going on dates with the hope of getting married. This is something I brought on myself and will have to live with I guess. U guys on here have all been wonderful in listening to this pedowhatever I am. I think I will leave you guys alone and let you solve problems for people who deserve the help. Bottom line is I made the biggest mistake of my life and nothing erases that. I have to live with it. Thanks for all your support. Best of luck to all of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 27, 2011 Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 Sr, I hope you will consider staying. What kind of therapy works best? It's difficult to say. I think that while method is very important, so too is the relationship. I think that some people may respond better with certain methods over others, but this depends on an awful lot of variables. Nothing is ever so black and white, I don't think. Find a good, caring therapist that you have good rapport with and you're off to a good start. I'm no expert on any of this and can offer only my opinion. You could try to empower yourself with this and read about the different methods and make your own choice. What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 I think I am just looking for a miracle that I will never find. I know what I want but I think it is impossible. Who knew a stupid teenage mistake would come to this. There is no answer I am afraid. I should have lived a better life. I look to the sky every night and say goodnight to the children I will never have. Thanks for your help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 Who am I kidding? I need some friends right now....all alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted April 27, 2011 Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 You're still punishing yourself. That seems to me to be the only purpose of guilt for something that never even harmed anyone except maybe you._Is_ your body attracted to boys? That's not how it sounds, from your description. Maybe you became accustomed to the fantasies you had, for a while, but it doesn't sound like it's ongoing. So why is the punishment still going on?Another question 'i give,' is, you have a reason you are punishing yourself, Isn't it that you believe it is useful, and/or necessary, and beneficial to punish yourself?....(past tense,) However, That was then, this is now. You can continue punishing yourself, or choose to do something else, that is entirely your choice.Is punishing yourself working for you? When will you 'be done', as in sufficiently punished? Or Is that it? all you're going to do, and continue to do? What about exploring and considering 'doing' something else, if continual self-punishment, is not really yielding much that is useful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 Who am I kidding? I need some friends right now....all alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 Had a knife to my chest. Thought about it for a second. Not sure what stopped me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted April 27, 2011 Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 I think I am just looking for a miracle that I will never find. I know what I want but I think it is impossible. Who knew a stupid teenage mistake would come to this. There is no answer I am afraid. I should have lived a better life. I look to the sky every night and say goodnight to the children I will never have. Thanks for your help.Wow sr. that is just super self talk, and beliefs to choose for yourself.If you think something is impossible, do you think you are even going to give yourself a chance? Keep telling yourself you are never going to find solutions, and you surely will not. good nite:confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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