finding my way Posted July 17, 2010 Report Share Posted July 17, 2010 Those are good thought stopper activities, mary! The choice is yours of course about medication, and we understand how hurtful it was that your mother was impaired from helping you while she was on it. Things have gotten much much better since then should you change your mind. I am sending you good thoughts today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2010 I had a nice peaceful day... now the night falls, the memories are swamping, and I am afraid of falling apart yet again. I am tired I need to yell out and make it stop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 18, 2010 Report Share Posted July 18, 2010 Do you have a teddy bear or beloved stuffed animal, mary? Their job is to ward off bad thoughts and nightmares, you know:o. I have animal friends all around my house. They look in my face and hug me whenever I need it. My cats help too. Do you have the ocean picture handy, so you don't have to go find it? How are you today, mary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2010 Last night the calm of the ocean wasn't working. I felt so much anger at myself. I needed to yell and I wanted to be heard but there was no one I could tell my story to. I found a new release...at least one that worked for last night. I went for a long walk with my BIG dog to protect me. I walked and walked and I was able to feel safe. It is funny... being outside at night wasn't scary... outside in daylight (anywhere there are trees and sunshine combined) can be very bad... he hurt me outside many times but it was always during the day or early evening... I guess as an 8 year old I probably had a bed time and the things he did at nighttime he saved for my bedroom. When will my therapist be back and why did I get myself to this point where I need to talk. I wish I didn't remember and when I did I should have kept quiet because I know that something bad will come of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted July 18, 2010 Report Share Posted July 18, 2010 Hello Mary,I, too am very thankful to have found these people on this site. It has helped me so much to have somewhere to go between therapy sessions and talk (or type lol) with someone. So, anyway, I just thought I'd say Hi to you and thanks to all of the people on here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 18, 2010 Report Share Posted July 18, 2010 Mary you were heavily, abusively programed that something bad would come from speaking out about what happened to you. This happened long before you could reason for yourself, and it is so hard to root out. Can you see it when someone points it out now though? You will continually need adult thought, adult compassion, adult care throughout this healing process... your little one got caught in time by this trauma and her access to your adult thinking got cut off... that is one of the things we are building here, is her connection to care and safety that she never had.How are you today, mary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 Yesterday was a peaceful day from start to finish. Nothing set me off and I was able to be with myself and my family which was such a relief. Wasn't able to sleep much last night, though, with some very frightening dreams waaiting for me the couple of times I did drift off. FInding, you are very wise. I used to think that I was mature and thoughtful and I was the one people would come to for advice. But for myself I do have this crazy 8 year old thought process. I can see as an adult the illogicalness (I love making up new words) and the magical power I have given this man. But it feels so ingrained, so automatic, that it is a part of me. And right now I am terrified as I wait for him to "get me" somehow. I pretty much know that he can't cause a tragedy in my life but his other threats were so "real." He assured me that I was so flawed that no one would/could love me. That my father died to get away from me. My mother got sick because I was so awful. That he did these things to me because I was trash and a whore and that NO ONE would choose to stay with me. He issued the standard threats that he would kill me or my family but he made it so much worse. He said that if I told, no one would believe me and that I would be taken away and left alone. I had already been "taken away and left alone" so I knew that this would happen. NOw as an adult, I get that he can't do those things to me, but the adult me doesn't think that much. Long winded explanation... I am tired out from trying to be on guard against my crazy thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 19, 2010 Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 Bravo Mary!!!! Not long winded at all. Though I can believe it was exhausting to do, you are speaking out!!Each one of those threats are so very cruel, and your little one never had a chance to think differently when her world seemed to echo what he was saying:(. It was of course all lies:mad:.You are doing the work though. You are building the connections and reaching across. You are seeing how she was caught in a horrid trap and can join us in saying oh I am so very sorry this happened to you dear one:(. We do not hate you. We are not ashamed of you. We welcome you. In time all of these these fears and nightmares will find rest because you are safe now. I know it is so hard to go through this process and to have these nightmares and flashbacks. You are not alone anymore though. And these connections you are building to the help you need are real. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 but i am alone and i know thetruth about me and what i did he just gave me the names but i am the one who asked for it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 19, 2010 Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 That's another line he programmed you with, Mary.Are you OK, Mary? I'm sorry you feel alone. We are here:o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 i am not ok i see him and i smell him and i fell what he did to me and ithurts and i dont hate him and i hate me and i wish i was dead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 19, 2010 Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 Why don't you hate him, Mary?He's the one who did all that stuff to you.Why would you have wanted someone to hurt you, that would be silly.You're not alone, though. We're here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 you are at the core of your trauma, Mary, can you see this? We are all here and she is not alone anymore. Can you feel that? Can you feel your adult you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Mary at that age you were terribly neglected. You needed love desperately, and those who were supposed to provide that, along with your protection, did not. That was the laid trap for you that he took advantage of. You are still feeling so deeply ashamed of how your young one did not fight, but we are adults and we see how terrible this whole situation was and how your child self was so terribly abused in body and in heart. Dear Mary we understand:(. Mary, we understand, and we are not ashamed of her, we are not ashamed of you in your pain:(. We stand with you. Many people here know this pain:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 i just dont want to hurt anymore and i just want to be loved and cared for Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Yes. That is what we want. We want that for you. We want that for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Mary, I have to go for a little bit, someone is picking me up. Are you in a safe place? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 yes i am trying to calm myself down i have to be ok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 we all just want to be loved and cared for. Your little one is not to blame. my little one is not to blame......My heart is with you, dear Mary. I will check in on you. Others are here too, and we are with you in this!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danni Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Mary,Have you tried some of the things we talked about the other day to calm down? What were those things? I agree with finding and malign.... You need to embrace your young one. It was not her fault. She didn't do anything wrong. She needed someone to love and protect her and she had no one. But you can do that now for her and we can do that for her to. She is safe and she is loved. I know it doesn't feel that way but keep saying that over and over and over to yourself and her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 i cant embrace her it hurts too much taking dog for a walk need to breathe and say i am safe and i will be need some sleep Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 We love you and care for you, Mary.Can you love and care for yourself?That is such a fundamental need; every single person here has felt it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 I don't know if i can love myself but i can try to take care of me. sorry for the drama. i am going to bed and hope that the monster will stay away Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 I will hug her for you, Mary:o, and ((((((HUGS)))))) to you! Take care, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 I had a decent night in the sleep department and actually had some dreams that contained no monsters. The good news is that my therapist is back today and I have an appt. later on. The bad news is that I am scared to death to go that appt. I feel so sad and defeated after last night. New "memories" are so devestating. Not feeling anywhere near strong enough anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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