shame

[finding my way]

When you are in touch with this pain, I can believe that you do feel very weak, because you were so vulnerable. Vulnerability isn't bad in itself though Mary. In many ways, it is the better part of us.... it is certainly a very important part of us. That gets very confused when we are harmed through that vulnerability. It can make us want to reject it completely. That only harms us further though. The trick is getting to a place where vulnerability is ok again...

Good luck with your appointment Mary!

[notmary]

Vulnerability is a very bad thing I know that and I cant believe that i am opening myself up to this. I am just sooo sad i wish that i could just make everything stop hurting. my mind cant even pinpoint what ismaking me feel so bad at this point. he made me do such horrible things and i hate that about me i am dead inside but death would not hurt like this. i am a horrible mother right now i just want them to go away and not have to pretend to be strong i hate me

[Symora]

What's going on Mary?

[notmary]

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Edited July 20, 2010 by notmary

[Symora]

Yes, what he did was horrenduous. How dare he do that to a child! Be mad at him, he deserves it :mad:

[notmary]

i cant be mad at him i cant cry i cant do anything but what he says i have to do and that is what is wrong with me i cant do anytthing

[Symora]

How could you, you were a child, and he was an adult, and he worked very hard to dominate you and manipulate you. How could you do anything, you were a child, a small child....

But today you are no longer a child, and now you have a right to be mad and to direct your disgust toward him, because you understand. Pull yourself into you adult self now, and see how fragile and naive that child was...she understood nothing of the world and how people could be...

[notmary]

i try to accept that child but she makes me so sad and overwhelmed with bad feelings. ijust want to turn this faucet off so i can have a more normal life without video and audio and all the other senses flinging this crap in my face.

[Symora]

You are going to therapy, right? Are you also taking any kind of medication. It sounds like your mind is looping the same situation over and over in your head. When I do that it is because I am experiencing physical depression and I need something to make my mind function better....

[notmary]

i am leaving now going to try to walk away this shit me and my dog

[Symora]

That's a great idea ... hope you both have a pleasant walk.

[finding my way]

Mary I am so sorry for this pain:(. How are you today?

[notmary]

Yesterday afternoon I felt like a wave of sadness just sweep over me. I am overwhelmed with it rightnow. I feel like I am using ever bit of energy putting one foot in front of the other. I am extremely short-tempered and agitated. I guess therapy isn't really all that helpful for me.

[finding my way]

I'm so sorry you hurt:(

emotions come from the midbrain and tie us together in a way, but they require balancing out or they will tie us up!

there are many ways to find balance, and a simple but powerful way is coordinated physical activity. Using both sides of the body in a coordinated rhythmic way (could be just walking) fires up both hemispheres of the cortex and pulls some of that energy from midbrain for a better brain state.

doing sudoku, crossword puzzles, playing a musical instrument, learning a foreign language, reading, drawing... those all pull us into the cortex too and give us a break from being emotionally swamped.

I hope you can get a break today Mary!

[notmary]

This deep deep sadness continues. Probably the best part of it is that I haven't had any memories resurface in the last 36 hours either... maybe they are coming to an end and now I can focus on learning to accept them and me. I now am trying just to move. I know that I have to face and feel these feelings, wish I was stronger than I am. I am so sad that this happened to me... just having a big pity party I guess. I get angry at myself for feeling this way since I knwo that so many people have things so much worse than I do. I guess I am just a weak self centered person.

[IrmaJean]

This deep deep sadness continues. Probably the best part of it is that I haven't had any memories resurface in the last 36 hours either... maybe they are coming to an end and now I can focus on learning to accept them and me.

Mary, I think this is so very true. Maybe the pain you are feeling is part of your processing this acceptance.

I now am trying just to move. I know that I have to face and feel these feelings, wish I was stronger than I am. I am so sad that this happened to me... just having a big pity party I guess. I get angry at myself for feeling this way since I knwo that so many people have things so much worse than I do. I guess I am just a weak self centered person.

You are facing your feelings, accepting your feelings, accepting yourself...

I'm sorry that this is painful.

You're a very courageous person, Mary.

[finding my way]

My therapist told me never to compare myself with others. It distorts what is important for you.

I can tell you for sure that the abuse I experienced was extremely minor compared to the abuse you endured. And yet, the pain it caused was so huge in my life! I cannot imagine shouldering more, like you've had to. There will always be "more" always "less" measurements when we compare our lives. But that is a distraction from the work at hand, so my therapist was right.

Dear Mary, I am so very sad this happened to you too:(. I have no problem with forming a party around you so you aren't alone. We are here. It is a very tough thing you are facing, and we see your courage. We stand with you because we know how easy it is to fall back into confusion, dissociation, self hatred. We show you our care so that you can get through to the other side of this. That is how this work is done. There is plenty a person has to do for themselves, but we also need others in order to grow. I have had tons of help myself, as you know.

[notmary]

I just want to give up. I am no good to anyone right now and I am afriad that I will fail my children as my mom failed me. I feel this incredible pressure to be strong and to be ok and I am too weak right now to do it. I hate who I am

[finding my way]

Those are some very strong judgements.

Think for a moment what you learned about weakness growing up. That is what is so devastating about abuse and bullying: the bully can overpower you, so you conclude that weakness is such a hateful shameful state.

Yes you feel weak, yes you hurt, but that does not make you worthless. I am not worthless either.

If you can, resist pronouncements and conclusions right now. If you can, let yourself catch a break from all this intensity.

You are doing the very hard work of healing, and that is an amazingly courageous act:o

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary and Finding,

Notmary, what Finding wrote is absolutely correct. Good job, Finding.

Allan

[notmary]

right now I have no words. He told me never to tell and right now his words are winning. I tried calling my therapist but I couldn't speak. Talking hurts right now. I have got to go away from me and from this.

[finding my way]

This would be a time when the right medication can get you past a tough spot so you can function again. Not one that dopes you up, one that lets you get past the flashbacks and function.

There are other options too, you don't have to do it with meds. Exercise can really help. Try anything on your thought stopper list.

I'm sorry today is so rough, Mary:(

[notmary]

Finding, Beth, and others, thank you for sticking with me through this. I appreciate it. I wish that I could just say ok give me the medicine. But I can't. I can't. If that is the only way I am going to get through this, then I won't survive. Maybe I don't want to survive. The stress involve with taking medication would do me in.

I continue to try to go to the gym. I make my to-do lists and I get through most of it most days. I am raw and agitated... just need to go back to not feeling but that is out of reach right now.

Again though, no flashbacks today. That is the bright side

I dont find myself courageous at all. I am a frightened child and I can't grow up. VEry angry at myself.

[IrmaJean]

What is it that you're angry about, Mary? Are you angry at yourself now for the little girl's fears? You recognize her fears and you hear her sadness and pain. She deserves to be heard, held close and treated with kindness. Maybe you can nurture her through this difficult time.

I hope that tomorrow brings more serenity and less pain, Mary.

[finding my way]

Are you angry that your little one hasn't grown up, Mary? I'm not sure an inner child is supposed to! Is there anything you can appreciate about her? She would love to bring you something besides pain,,,,, I'm sure of it!