memories

[Endlessnight]

I'm feeling that weird detached feeling I sometimes get. Like i'm floating somewhere away from my body and my life. I don't want to do anything, or eat anything or be. I want to cry but I can't..the meds I guess. I wish I could just float away and not have to come back. I don't want to come back.

[58corvette]

Hello Dear M.;

Thanx To You & Others who are so Kind, Gentle & Thoughtful; I Continue To Carry On.

Were All In It TOGETHER M. To Weather This Long & Winding Storm.

Take Care Of YOU.

Sincerely; Jim

[58corvette]

Hi M.; Hope All Is Well.

Take Care.

Sincerely; Jim

[Endlessnight]

Hello Jim. Thank you for asking about me. I was going to reply that I am well which is what I say whenever i'm asked how I am. It's so hard for me to admit that I am not doing well and that I am not okay, saying that out loud would be impossible. Admitting I am not okay makes me feel so vulnerable and that scares me.

For the past couple of weeks I have been withdrawn, hiding inside of myself somewhere. I seem to have (consciously? unconsciously?) made an agreement with myself not to feel, and just by writing here now, I am upsetting the status quo.

Thank you again Jim for your concern. I hope you are okay. Take care.

[Sissagwaad]

everytime I am confronted by your signature-quote-line, "Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

Mother Theresa

--i am triggered, motivated, to share a delving into that thinking/doing....

"being?" Isn't it more accurate to suggest that 'believing' one to be............is more helpful?

rather than to judge, or to alude to know? whether one is (actually 'unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten'...)

yes, it is a dramatic down to have those beliefs and resulting sensations.

[58corvette]

Dear M.; I Know How You Feel & I UNDERSTAND.

All My Best & Please Take Care as I Also Continue to Try To Do As Well.

Sincerely; Jim

[Endlessnight]

I know I haven't been here for a while, for the past few weeks i've been feeling lost, not wanting to talk to anyone or see anyone. I don't really know why. Someone here said to me, don't give in to despair and you will be okay...I try not to, but lately it's been overwhelming. Anyway, I made myself go to the Pdoc today, he suggested I double my meds for about a month and see how I am then. I guess just having gone to the doc has made me feel slightly better because I know I am fighting the darkness rather than wallowing in it. Plus I was weighed and I found out I had lost two kilos which has made me happy. I was afraid I had gained about five kilos because when i'm like this I eat a lot of sugary foods.

LaLa:

I don't want to encourage you to continue in all the fantasies. It would surely be ideal to get rid of them. But the first step is to understand them, to realize their true reason, stop blaming yourself for them, and... maybe after some time, you'll be able to let them go...

you help me understand my feelings and why I have them in a way I am not able to myself.

Your problem might be related to the fact that you don't really know from your own experience how to behave to somebody when you care - as nobody behaved that way to you. It also explains why it's easy for you to show love to small kids - as you used to be loved when you were very young, so... "it's in you" - the experience, you can "transmit" it to others, but when you were an older kid, you didn't have this necessary experience anymore, so now it's harder for you to be in a similar situation "from the other side" (as the adult) Does it make sense to you?

.

It makes a lot of sense to me LaLa. Thank you for showing me myself more clearly and helping me understand why I feel the way I do.

I am crying as I write this because I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be in this black hole that I can't get out of, but you, your letter to me, was the hand I needed to hold to help me escape this darkness. Thank you for reminding me that there are people that actually care about me.

((((hugs)))) always.

Jim, I am sorry I haven't replied to any of your posts but if you read my post above you will know why. I hope you are having better success at beating this damn monster called depression. I wish you well always. M.

[Sissagwaad]

Wow, and ouch?

Such drama.....is it helping?

Like, even the focusing image wise of the name you continue to use here, 'endlessnite',

(like 'soregretful,') wow, what focusing energy!!!

Perhaps instead of excusing oneself with 'having tried, or trying,' maybe explore what is one actually 'doing?' (and what else one could 'do.')

Quite understandable, the frustrated pdoc suggests, (I suggest rather simplistically,)

oh, why not double up your med's....(after all its not him/her taking them,)

and, doesn't it sound he/she's feeling pretty inept, possibly liable, if he/she doesn't 'do' something/anything, about your continuing habit of emotional difficulty?

If you're suggesting you are not wanting to feel the way you do, there is something you might pursue. Explore your reasons, the beliefs you are continuing to hold, (habitually,) behind and supporting how you are feeling, with an accomplished, well trained mentor/therapist.

I really don't get the impression that 'drugs' are going to magically turn your experiencing life as you are, around......Doesn't 'doubling up,' seem a sort of act of desparation by a so-called expert who doesn't seem to know anything else?

Whatever the medications suggested, I suggest educating oneself as to the personal varrying experience of others as widely posted online.

Know that you are loved, and loveable. hugs bw (be-well)

[Endlessnight]

Sissa:

Wow, and ouch?

Such drama.....is it helping?

why 'wow'? why 'ouch'? Sometimes your posts confuse me. I was not aware that what I was writing was 'drama' and you saying the way I feel is like a 'habit' makes it seem like I choose to be the way I am. I don't. Yes, it's easy to say change your way of thinking, and I know there is some truth in that but if it were so easy I wouldn't be here, neither would you, this forum wouldn't be needed.

Thank you for your hugs.

Edited July 30, 2011 by Endlessnight

[finding my way]

En, how are you doing these days? I'm so sorry you are struggling

Is it summer where you are?

[Endlessnight]

Hello Finding. I feel better than I did a few days ago, thank you for asking. Yes, it's summer here, the temperature is in the 40's C. The month of Ramadan starts tomorrow and that is always a struggle for me, but i'm hoping this year I can change that and not let it be so full of guilt and stress.

How are you? I hope things in your life are going well. Take care, M.

[finding my way]

I'm glad things are a little better:o. I am on break from one of my jobs and I feel much more human! Starts up again in a month and I'm working on my attitude. I hope today has something to smile about for you!!!

[LaLa]

Dear M.,

I'm so happy to see you here again!!! :-)

(This weekend, I'm out of my hometown, visiting a friend, so I can't be on the web for very long, so if I stop writing before "having said everything", that will be because of this; don't worry.)

you help me understand my feelings and why I have them in a way I am not able to myself.

Thank you for showing me myself more clearly and helping me understand why I feel the way I do.

I'm happy that what I've written helped you ! (That's why I'm here, that's why I usually can't prevent myself for spending quite a lot of time here... ) And I hope it could be a motivation for you to continue to communicate with us ;-)... Look at my "signature" here - the 1st sentence ;-). I feel it the same way. I often can't see what others see so clearly! It's almost like you can't see yourself without a mirror but others can see you just with their eyes - you know what I mean... We can't be perfect mirrors to each other, and often are not, but... when we try, we can help each other with understanding of some issues :-).

I am crying as I write this because I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be in this black hole that I can't get out of, but you, your letter to me, was the hand I needed to hold to help me escape this darkness. Thank you for reminding me that there are people that actually care about me.

Thank you for allowing me to be with you when you were escaping from the darkness... You didn't want to be in that hole, but you also were able to go out. It was not me, it was you - I was just "a stimulus" :-). So... acknowledge yourself a bit for it! ;-)

Now... what about looking at what you can see "in the light"? ;-)

Oh, Ramadan :-(... That doesn't sound like a good perspective... I remember what you've written about it last time! I hope it will not be too bad...

But besides Ramadan? What are you doing? You have vacations now (I mean at the school where you teach)? ...

And some words about Sissa's post: She's very much against meds given by p-docs in general. She doesn't know that psychotherapy is not available for you and she probably doesn't know as much about you as some other members here. I don't deconstruct here good intentions, of course, but I want to advise you not to let yourself to be confused and somehow "abashed" by her posts. Of course we don't know if doubling the dose of your med will help you, but... what we know is that the imperfect and non-ideal state of our today's health-care can often be sufficient to ameliorate our lives and suppress or even eliminate some of our problems, even some of the mental-ones. The docs are only human and have limited means and there surely often is a lot we as patients can do to cooperate with them on the healing. But refusing them or deconstructing their advises... would be against the idea that having a positive, optimistic attitude is important for the process of healing. It really is not about expecting the meds "going to magically turn your experiencing life"! It's just about... trying to allow the possibilities, that medical research is giving us recently, to help you in the process of getting better. For me (I know I'm a very lucky case - the 1st med my doc gave me worked well for me from the beginning!), my med was an indispensable part of my therapy, as it showed me HOW it feels not to be anxious about everything. Thanks to this experiences, I saw what is - emotionally - my aim, what I want to achieve to feel also without the med. And I think I became, thanks to the med, also less anxious about the process of therapy itself, as it's... very scary and frustrating and stressful sometimes - I think the med allowed me to be more prone to therapy and to changes.

I know my story can't be compared to yours, but I'm writing it as I want to show that we differ, that everyone has his/her own story and... we only can share our experiences and take motivations and inspiration from each other, but... if somebody tells you that meds "are a bad option" and YOU don't feel it's something to seriously consider, then... you don't have to. The same way you shouldn't have to take my example as something relevant for your case - that it will be the same in your case.

Perhaps instead of excusing oneself with 'having tried, or trying,' maybe explore what is one actually 'doing?' (and what else one could 'do.')

It is painful, frustrating to think this way for me even though I don't have depression, so I can imagine how it could make you feel... But anyway, I consider it as inspirational. Sometimes, but I'm not sure if it's not very important to find the right moment (I feel that it is!), we probably need to think this way - questioning ourselves if our "trying" was not only passive, a passive will; whether we were really active, really "doing something", and mainly what more can we do...

Oh, my post became quite long! ;-) I'm looking forward to yours, M.!!!

[Luna-]

Thinking of you, M ...

[randomperson]

I have not posted as much lately, just letting you know still thinking of everyone. Still wishing you all the best and greatful for all of our friendships.

[IrmaJean]

Hi, M. It's good to hear from you. I'm sorry you've been struggling more lately. You're in my thoughts. I think it's good for you to work together with your doctor to decide what is best for you. I wanted to say hello and offer my support. Take care.

[58corvette]

Always Good To Hear From Ya M.; Dont Worry About Posting on My Thread Or Helping Others. I UNDERSTAND.

Just Want To Let Ya Know im Still Here & Continue to Hope For Better Days.

Sincerely; Jim

[Endlessnight]

Finding I hope you are relaxing and enjoying your break?

I finished my last class for the summer almost two weeks ago so i'm on holiday too. I will go back to work after Ramadan.

The ladies in my last class were wonderful - they were smart and really wanted to learn as well as being nice people. On our last day we had a little party, everyone brought something to eat or drink. Two of the students brought me a lovely bouquet of flowers and a card where they had written such nice things, saying how much they had enjoyed the class, etc. It really made me happy.

LaLa I hope you are having a good time visiting your friend.

I'm writing it as I want to show that we differ, that everyone has his/her own story and... we only can share our experiences and take motivations and inspiration from each other

thank you for sharing your own experiences with me LaLa, they help me understand my own.

questioning ourselves if our "trying" was not only passive, a passive will; whether we were really active, really "doing something", and mainly what more can we do...

to be honest, I probably was too passive in my thinking during this time, and not active enough. I know it's something I need to work on.

Hi Luna, welcome back. I've missed you, how are you?

Random, sometimes it's hard to post, I was feeling that way for weeks. How are you?

Hi IrmaJean, it's always good to hear from you.

Jim, I hope you are your family are well and that things are getting better for you. Don't give up your dreams Jim.

Take care everyone. (((((hugs)))))

Edited August 1, 2011 by Endlessnight

[LaLa]

The ladies in my last class were wonderful - they were smart and really wanted to learn as well as being nice people. On our last day we had a little party, everyone brought something to eat or drink. Two of the students brought me a lovely bouquet of flowers and a card where they had written such nice things, saying how much they had enjoyed the class, etc. It really made me happy.

Hey, M., that's awesome!!! I'm happy to hear you're working with people who enjoy your work, your presence, you! That's so very important to have this feeling, this satisfaction! I wish you to be more "susceptible" to the feed-back you receive - not only in the end of the year, when they show you their appreciation by means of presents, but also every day. I hope you can preserve a piece of the happiness you felt the last day of that school-year and make it shine in you everytime you'll need it, everytime you'll need an internal source of positive feelings . And when you add even the memory of your friends here, ...

Have nice holidays!

[LaLa]

In the context of Sissa's post, I recommend this comment by Allan:

http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?p=67936#post67936

[randomperson]

I'm ok thanks for asking. Bit more stable now that things have somewhat calmed down in my life.

[Endlessnight]

I know that this forum cannot 'cure' me, and I know that my meds alone also will not do that. I know I have friends on this forum who listen and care and I am always grateful for that, but I wish there was someone in my life I could talk to and trust enough to tell everything to. I feel fractured inside - the 15 year old girl that had her world turned upside down is still very strong in me. I think I need to let go of her to be the 55 year old woman I am now. The memories of my years from being a child to being the 15 year old girl are stronger and a lot more than I have for the years from 15 - 55. I don't even know the ages of my nieces and nephews! I don't know when they were born. I don't know when my father and then my mother died! I don't remember much of anything at all and that is painful and makes it hard for me to be who I am now since it's like there is no link between the two people in me.

LaLa, it is something I will keep in my memory to make me smile when things aren't going so well. I have hung the flowers upside down to dry them so I can keep them, I hate seeing flowers die. Does anyone know any other way to preserve flowers?

Thank you for the link, I think I understand a little better what Sissa was trying to say.

Random, i'm glad things are a little calmer in your life and I hope they continue to be so. I wish you well.

[notmary]

Hello M. I just wanted to let you know that I am here and offer you support even though I am not able to vocalize it much.

[malign]

Hi M. I know that Ramadan is difficult for you, for more than one reason.

But I hope that the doctor's direct instructions help you to feel okay taking the meds regularly despite the restrictions on food. They're not food any more than air or water would be.

As for preserving flowers, I know some people will press them between sheets of paper, or even wax paper, but I'm not really an authority. I'm sure someone here has more knowledge of arts and crafts than I do.

[Endlessnight]

Hello Mary, and thank you for your support and kindness.

Mark, I remember last year you giving me special dispensation during Ramadan so this year I gave it to myself

Taking the double dose of meds has helped me quite a lot. I'm feeling much better than I was a week ago, and seeing myself a little more clearly thanks to the support and help given to me here by friends. I do have a question regarding my feeling 'fractured'. Does anyone have any idea or advice to give me on how I can make myself 'whole'?