memories

[finding my way]

A great way to perserve those flowers is to draw them! and in the process, you can wake up yer right brain hemisphere. So often in mental illness or in just being human, we get stuck living out of a tiny part of our brains and lose the pathways to our fuller functioning. That is why moving both sides of the body, in exercise or in balance postures like yoga can help, because it activates more of our brain than when we were sitting in our funk. And moving art materials across a paper, if you can let go of judgment, can release all kinds of possibilities for places to go in your brain!!

Did you see Luna's thread on zentangles?

[LaLa]

Hello, M.,

I haven't been here for some days...

I do have a question regarding my feeling 'fractured'. Does anyone have any idea or advice to give me on how I can make myself 'whole'?

I think it would be better to describe this feeling in detail. Everyone probably imagines something different when you say "feeling 'fractured'". And by describing it, you'd also get more insight in how you feel and maybe some possible 'solutions' could arise from this better understanding (?).

Take care!

[Endlessnight]

Finding, if I were an artist I guess I would draw them and keep them. I liked to draw when I was young but I gave it up, as I did so much else, a long time ago. I did check out Luna's zentangles, but thank you for reminding me of them, i'll check out the link again.

LaLa, by fractured I guess I mean joining the 15 year old girl with the 55 year old woman. They feel so far apart I can't imagine them as one in me. I don't know who I am, I wish I did. I'm not the girl of 15 obviously, but though I know my body is that of a 55 year old woman, inside of me i'm still stuck at being a teenager in many respects. I need to let go of the young girl, of her anger, pain and desperation, I know I need to decide who I am and who I want to be, but I don't know the answer to that, I have no goal, no reason to be anyone.

[LaLa]

Dear M.,

First of all, I see your description of your feelings as a progress, as you were able to identify and explain your problem and it's always good and essential .

I wish I had a 'plan' how to solve such problems , but... the fact that nobody can give you a straithforward advice that will surely help is not as frustrating and hopeless as it seems!

You say: "I have no goal, no reason to be anyone" - but your goal is to search for your own way to be you and your reason to become 'you' is that you feel - and you described it very clearly! - that you suffer from being so 'fractured' and from not feeling 'to be the 55 years old woman'. There are two types of suffering; one cannot be eliminated - and we have to learn to live with it without letting ourselves to 'broke' - and the second can be ovecome - and we need to find out how. You cannot change your brother, for instance. So he'll probably be causing you pain in future . But you can change your attitude and you can alo find more beauties in your life, more pease - and those would compensate for the sufferig you cannot avoid.

Once you asked in the 'Recommended reading' thread about a book that could help you. Did you choose one? I don't know how much money is an issue here, but... I hope that except for money, there would be no other problem - you can order book for instance from Amazon and they'll send you them to you whereever you live. I think that books also could be good companions for a search of your own way... And there are also some texts on the web - I can't remember now some examples, but... maybe it's good to search yourself.

And... I'd like to share a text from 'Finding my way''s blog but am not sure if I can... So I post here a link - available only for her friends, so you can read it there:

http://community.mentalhelp.net/blog.php?b=1586&page=3#comments

I mean the long text posted 03-02-2010 at 09:58 PM by Finding! Enjoy! :-)

Take care, M.! :-)

Edited August 8, 2011 by LaLa3

[malign]

"I have no goal, no reason to be anyone."

Do you need a reason? You're already someone ... in fact, you can't help but be someone. The question is, which someone do you want to be?

"I need to let go of the young girl"

Or, embrace her. Not become her; you're absolutely right that she's only part of what you are now. But there's no reason to chase her out into the cold (okay, I know it's not cold outside, there, but you know what I mean.) Maybe she can play a role in cheering up your insides ... I doubt that she's only a being of "anger, pain and desperation".

[Endlessnight]

Randomperson wrote this on another thread and though I posted there I also wanted to post it here....

I heard something from a movie that hit me hard.

A man can't run from his own story.

That has what I have done my whole life and because of it I have essentially let others who did not have my best interests in mind control it and make a mess of things. Time to stop that. It is not too late to enjoy life at least in spurts. Time for me to stop running, stop being the co-star in my own life.

God help me have brains and courage enough to do it.

When I read that, it hit me hard too. For most of my life i've opted out of it, not been present in it, if that makes sense.

Now, 'waking up' at 55 years of age I realise I have no identity except a kind of default 'me', one shaped by other people. I don't recognise myself when I look in the mirror, I don't know who I am and it's so frustrating! I have no identity! I have no idea of who I could be since I feel I am no one.

Though I feel sorry for 'the girl', sometimes I hate her. She wasted her life. She gave up instead of fighting. She crawled inside of herself and never came out.

What did all of her screaming and shouting get her? Nothing.

Because of her hysterical screaming she was probably the reason her father died.

[LaLa]

Thanks for sharing! It hit me, too...

M., let's go for it! Shape your life, find and build your identity! It's never too late.

Because of her hysterical screaming she was probably the reason her father died.

I can't agree with this, M.. It's surely not true - you can't blame yourself for anybody's death! Her 'hysterical screaming' had its reasons. If your father was unable to 'respond' by helping you, it was not your fault. It could have been hard for him, I don't say that he doesn't deserve our compassion!, but... you were a kid who didn't receive the right opportunity to became a 'full/entire/...' and happy adult and... it's useless to blame the kid for not being able to do it herself.

[IrmaJean]

Though I feel sorry for 'the girl', sometimes I hate her. She wasted her life. She gave up instead of fighting. She crawled inside of herself and never came out.

What did all of her screaming and shouting get her? Nothing. Because of her hysterical screaming she was probably the reason her father died.

As a young girl, you were trying to survive and cope in a difficult environment. I hope that one day you can find a place of compassion and acceptance for your younger self, M. I know this can be challenging and this may take some time.

You have a voice now and we're listening.

I hope you feel better. Take gentle care with you.

[Endlessnight]

I said the girl was responsible for her father's death because indirectly she was. He left the flat to go to the pharmacy to get her some medicine because she was sick and the girl followed him to the door screaming at him, saying things even as he locked the door behind him. On the way back he was hit by a car.

I keep seeing him, crossing that road, not seeing the car until the last minute before it hit him and everything plays over and over in my mind, thinking how terrified he must have been, how the girl's words had upset him so much he didn't see the car until it was too late. I never got a chance to ask him to forgive me, he died without regaining full consciousness.

[IrmaJean]

M...

You were not responsible for this. You weren't driving the car or crossing the street. You have no way of knowing what your father was thinking. You had no control in this.

I've been thinking about this some, about why we have the tendency to blame ourselves for things that were/are beyond our control. Maybe it has something to do with control itself. When terrible things happen, accidents like this, we need to make sense of them in some way. I don't know if any of that fits for you, M, but you were not at fault for this. It was a terrible accident. I'm sorry this happened. It must have been terrifying for you as well. And painful.

((((M))))

[LaLa]

M., I'm so sorry, too... Now I can see why you're blaming yourself, but I agree with everything what IJ said. We all tend to search for the reasons, explanations of accidents and we often do it by blaming the wrong one... :-( (I used to blame myself for the death of my grandfather and grandmother and it was possible to overcome the feeling of guilt, so... I cannot tell you how exactly to achieve it, but I can at least give you hope that it's possible .)

It's always so tragic when there are some important words left unsaid when somebody dies... I imagine that your dad would say to the little girl that it was not her fault. What about trying to accept this 'image'? You surely have imagined many times what you would have told him (-asked him for forgiveness), but have you imagined that he could tell you it was not your fault? He could even have an explanation - that he was thinking about something else. He surely didn't want to let you here with this terrible feeling of guilt!!! So do it for him and for yourself: Search for the 'peace of mind' - stop blaming yourself.

[randomperson]

I said the girl was responsible for her father's death because indirectly she was. He left the flat to go to the pharmacy to get her some medicine because she was sick and the girl followed him to the door screaming at him, saying things even as he locked the door behind him. On the way back he was hit by a car.

I keep seeing him, crossing that road, not seeing the car until the last minute before it hit him and everything plays over and over in my mind, thinking how terrified he must have been, how the girl's words had upset him so much he didn't see the car until it was too late. I never got a chance to ask him to forgive me, he died without regaining full consciousness.

I am so sorry to hear you went through this. How it must have hurt you for so many years

We all get into fights say things we do not mean at times, especially as children when we are still growing not understanding life as much. You both still loved each other deeply.

It wasn't your fault. For one you can't know everything that was happening at that moment, there is no way to know what either of them was thinking or the actual cause. Sometimes accidents just happen right when a certain events in our life are taking place leaving us to feel like it is our fault.

The car wreck that killed my family happened coming home from a trip my mother did not want to go to. For years she blamed herself, blamed her mother for planning the trip. They had no way to know what would happen.

You know your father, you know what he would say. Parents love their children. He would want you to forgive yourself. To let you know he loves you and knows you love him.

Edited August 14, 2011 by randomperson

[Endlessnight]

IJ, LaLa, Random...I do understand what you are saying and rationally I know it's true. (It seems guilt is not rational though:p )

But you are right - I know her father would say it was not her fault, that he forgives her for the terrible things she said.

I hope that one day you can find a place of compassion and acceptance for your younger self, M. I know this can be challenging and this may take some time.

IJ I hope so too.

I think i'm feeling so depressed lately because i've realised that the meds I take are not going to cure me on their own. I need to cure myself and that is proving to be a lot harder than I had hoped. The only thing i've ever been good at is giving up, and that's all I want to do, because it's so much easier than trying and failing. The desire to crawl back into my dark corner, not feel, not be, is so hard to resist. Going on just for me doesn't seem worth it.

Thank you all.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Endlessnight

[randomperson]

We go on because the alternative is never good. We go on because the thought of healing is worth it even if at the worst it is a dream. We go on to give hope to each other and to ourselves. We go on because we have each other to lean on when we are at our weakest

[Endlessnight]

Ken, I would like to be able to give myself credit for something, but I can't think of anything that I have done that deserves it. I have achieved none of the 'goals' I have set for myself over the years. I'm tired of having to struggle and fight through every day.

Random, what you wrote is beautiful. I wish i could believe it for myself.

[JaiJai]

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Edited October 8, 2011 by JaiJai

[Endlessnight]

A few people have asked me to change my name from Endlessnight and I have always refused. I thought a lot about it last night and I know it can seem that I am addicted to misery but if I got rid of my misery there would be a huge hole, and I don't know what I would fill that hole with. Sometimes I think misery is all I know.

I know I have mentioned this before, but there seem to be two me's. The girl and the woman and I just don't seem able to connect the two. I don't seem to know who the woman I see in the mirror is. She is a stranger to me.

[finding my way]

Any room for a third me?

my me carries my young me, my old me, my teenager me, and whatever me that has formed around a part of life that was significant....

can we dream some possible new names, M?

do you like sunflowers? they track the light of the sun....

[Endlessnight]

Living without hope isn't living. I want to close my eyes and not open them again.

[LaLa]

Why do you think you don't have hope, M.? I can see that you don't feel it now/yet, but there is a hope, I'm sure...

[IrmaJean]

M...

What can help you to find hope?

Would distraction help for a bit? Have you ever taken this? It's a link to a thread with a personality test. I'm curious if we are the same type.

http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=2096

You like writing poetry. Do you have anything recent that you'd like to share?

[Endlessnight]

LaLa, IrmaJean, I thought about it a lot and I can't think of anything to hope for that I can achieve. I think I have resigned myself to knowing this is my life and the only way I can be okay with that is to not hope for anything better.

I have hope for others but not for myself. I hope (and pray) that my nieces and nephews may live good, happy lives, I hope the same for everyone I know (and even those I don't).

IJ, I haven't written any poetry in while, but I did take the test and it says I am ISFJ.

[LaLa]

M., I hope this will not be seen as inappropriate, but... I want to tell you that I've read about people living without hope but not being frustrated and desperate - it's possible not to feel any hope for 'life getting better' but still not to feel desperate. (I'm sometimes in this 'mode' ('mode of brain functionning'? ), too... but it's probably different from what I've read about.) The text (in a book, non-fiction) was too short and without any details, but... the principle was like this: If you you are moral, want to be good and beneficial to others, are carring and have your 'goals' (not necessarily all achievable), you don't need to have 'a hope', you can live and be satisfied just by knowing you don't broke your rules (moral and etic) and that you try to be good and try to live the way you think it's good to live. The word 'try' is important: You don't have to be successful in everything. But... one can say that trying is the aim (it's like in the quote "The way is important, not the goal" [-I don't know it in English, but...]).

What are your ideas about this 'concept'?

Take care!

Hugs,

L.

[IrmaJean]

I thought about it a lot and I can't think of anything to hope for that I can achieve. I think I have resigned myself to knowing this is my life and the only way I can be okay with that is to not hope for anything better.

Is there any way out of your situation, M? If not, is there something you can do in your life that brings you joy? Please don't give up on hoping. We only get to live this life once...

IJ' date=' I haven't written any poetry in while, but I did take the test and it says I am ISFJ.[/quote']

Interesting. I'm an INFJ, but the "N"/"I" is right on the cusp for me. My N is slightly expressed. So I was right in sensing that we have a similar temperament/personality. Thanks for checking it out.

I hope things look up for you, M.

[CantGiveItAway]

Hi M,

Maybe hope could be something that you try and find to carry with you in everything that you do. But maybe not always a specific thing to reach for or an end result to something. But that if you try at things, like LaLa said, or can search for understanding with yourself and feel your hearts in the right place. That that could help carry through some of the darker moments.