memories

[LaLa]

Dear EN,

I'm sorry you felt the need to delete your posts . I've read them, but I didn't have time for a good reply ... Today I wanted to read the last one again and write a reaction but it seems you don't feel like wanting to discuss it here. What about blogging more again? It's private, so... maybe not as problematic as this thread.

Hugs,

L.

[IrmaJean]

I missed the original post, M. I do want to offer my support and care. Would it help to express yourself? I am always willing to listen. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Endlessnight]

I don't know what to do....it seems Amitriptyline is no longer available here any more. I've been to all the major hospitals in the city, as suggested by my pdoc, and no one has it. I take it at night and it helps me sleep as well as taking prozac in the morning. The thought of tossing and turning, being unable to sleep all night as I was before I started taking it already has me stressed out. Today is Friday and no one works today so I can't get in touch with my pdoc again, but even if I could, what could he do? Does anyone have any suggestions and do you know if sudden withdrawal from it can have serious side effects?

[LaLa]

Dear EN,

I'm sorry noone had an advise for you... I just know that a sudden withdrawal may have bad side effects, but... this is not a useful info

However, there is a possibility that another AD with very similar properties will work for you the same way and that if you start taking it asap, then maybe you could avoid the side effects of the withdrawal :confused:. I'm not a doc, of course. I hope you managed to consult your pdoc in the meantime!

How are you, besides these troubles with meds? I was just planing to write to you today, being sorry I had't done it for so many days ...

[Endlessnight]

Hi LaLa, thank you for answering my post. I'm actually feeling embarrassed about it now because I was stressing out for no reason:o - something I do a lot. I did get to see my pdoc and he prescribed something else...I don't know why I had thought that I could only take Amitriptyline. Anyway, my meds are sorted out now. Other than that, i'm doing okay mentally but physically i'm not doing great. I hope you are well. Take care.

[LaLa]

(((M))), please, do not feel embarrassed! It's understandable that you were stressed as these meds are tricky and... one never knows how a sudden change could affect her/him. But it's fine to relalize that this stress could be decreased, that you could work on not taking somany things "too seriously" and thus on not allowing them to cause you too much anxiety...

I'm sorry that you still struggle with the diseases... ... But I'm also glad to hear you're okay mentally ! So... what about sharing more about how you are these days? Here, on the blog or in private - as you wish ;-)... I don't want you to get the impression that we care about you only in times when you feel bad ;-)!

And; I'm quite fine these days, thanks :-). (A lot is been happening now here on the site, quite stressful, but... I have the advantage that I'm strong enought now and don't become overwhelmed by such things.)

Take care!

[Endlessnight]

The Good:

Yesterday I hugged and kissed my brother for the first time since he went off to college I think.

The Bad:

I said something to him that he misconstrued - as he always does - and so he started attacking me verbally - also as always. I felt myself shrinking inside and I was becoming defensive and feeling like I was so so stupid for thinking this time would be different - but, and I know this is a good thing, instead of giving in to my feelings I went to him, put my arm around him and kissed his cheek and told him I was sorry and that I didn't want us to be like we were before, and he almost! put his arm around me. For the past year I have been trying to let go of our past and get us to a place where we can at least live together without hate.

Though it didn't end there I don't want to go on about it. I'll just say it didn't end badly as far as he and I are concerned.

The Pathetic:

I want to hide away somewhere and not have to face life, not have to live any more. Sometimes I think the way I used to be might be better - hidden somewhere inside of myself where no one can see me.

Edited December 23, 2011 by Endlessnight

[IrmaJean]

M, maybe rather than viewing your own reactions and feelings as "pathetic", why not try to remove judgment and listen to your own hurt? It must be very frightening for you to feel this way. Can you comfort yourself in this place of pain?

I'm sorry for the confusion in your interaction with your brother. It sounds as though you took proactive measures to try and work through this with him, though. That's a positive thing. I'm sorry you are feeling sad and upset. Can you take some time and do something for yourself today?

Take care.

[Endlessnight]

Why can't I stop hating myself? When I see myself reflected in a mirror I quickly look away - I don't want to see me. When I do have to look in a mirror like to brush my hair I never look myself in the eyes - I can't. I don't like touching myself either - I have never checked myself for lumps in my breast because I can't get myself to touch my breast, or anywhere else for that matter. What's wrong with me?

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are hurting, M. I used to have trouble with this. I still do some, but it is much better than it has been in the past. I think, for me, it was around feelings of shame, in part due to past abuse.

Can you think of what you are afraid to see in yourself? Something it hurts to connect with? I lost my mom to breast cancer. I hope this is something you can work through. Maybe you can try, a little at a time, and remind yourself it is okay to connect with yourself. You are okay.

I hope you feel better.

[Endlessnight]

IJ, Please forgive my late reply. I am so sorry you lost your mother in that way, I know how hard it must have been for you and your family. I lost my mother to cancer too, but I never got to see her before she died which I will always regret. I hope you were able to be with your mother and give her some comfort before saying your goodbyes. (((((hugs)))))

I don't know what it is exactly that I don't want to see in me, I know I don't want to see me or be me. I'm still struggling with my self identity and not knowing who I am and not liking myself makes it hard for me to connect with myself.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Endlessnight

[IrmaJean]

Maybe you can think of one aspect of yourself that you like and connect with that energy at first. You're a caring person. Can you feel that? If you give power to your positive energy, you may then feel more accepting of the rest. Try treating yourself as you would others. Take care of yourself gently and with kindness. Get to know you. What do you think?

I am so sorry you lost your mother in that way' date=' I know how hard it must have been for you and your family. I lost my mother to cancer too, but I never got to see her before she died which I will always regret. I hope you were able to be with your mother and give her some comfort before saying your goodbyes. (((((hugs)))))[/quote']

Thank you, M. I'm sorry you were unable to see your mom before she died. My story is very similar. I was across the country when my mom passed away. I never had the chance to say goodbye or to tell her how much I appreciated and loved her...Yes, regret. What I've done with that regret now in the present time is to be very open with loved ones and friends about how I feel about them. I won't make that mistake again.

Take care.

[randomperson]

Why can't I stop hating myself? When I see myself reflected in a mirror I quickly look away - I don't want to see me. When I do have to look in a mirror like to brush my hair I never look myself in the eyes - I can't. I don't like touching myself either - I have never checked myself for lumps in my breast because I can't get myself to touch my breast, or anywhere else for that matter. What's wrong with me?

Sorry I have not been on in ages. Perhaps I can help a little with this. Typically it is do to abuse that causes inner self doubts and it is not your fault.

I want you to know that is the biggest challenge I face myself now. Self doubts reflecting on past mistakes and how others see me.. specifically focusing on negative reactions others have done to me.

The challenge comes that the problem itself causes it to grow. Society typically ignores those with low self esteem. Not to cause pain as I once thought.. honest I don't know why.. but it happens. But the horrible thing is that grows the self doubt and hating yourself.. at least it does for me.

I always think I wish I was different! Then I could have a normal life.. then I could be happy.. find love!!!!

Here is the kicker. Happiness isn't something you can find in others. People even the most caring can change and be unpredictible. You have to first find peace within. I use my faith to help me with this. Gives me hope and shows me the love I hunger for.

I want to give you some words I hope will help and maybe turn the corner for you. Every single person has dark inner demons they must deal with. You.. we feel we are broken.. broken beyond repair.. hopeless. I am hear to tell you that everyone is broken in some way. If anyone amkes you feel this way.. know beyond a doubt you ARE better than them.

To often heart.. love.. caring is taken for granted. Other traits that are shallow such as beauty and aggresion are promoted instead. But kindness, love.. this is what changes the world and makes it a better place to live in.. and this is what you have above soooooo many others I have met in life. Look in the mirror and see what we se here See the beauty we see.

As I recently said.. people here changed my life. I was in a very very dark place. All of you pulled me out. I went there again later when I was off the site.. not suicidal like before but I grew bitter.. filled with pain and hatred for everything. But God brought back the kindness of people here everytime I told myslef that people didn't care and I .. life was worthless.

I hope the kind words of people here help you in the same way at difficult times... renews your hope and shows the bright and shining star you are in a world that needs more light.

[Endlessnight]

Dear Random, thank you so much for your words of kindness and welcome back. I admire and respect very much people like yourself, and IJ - you seem to have been able to learn from your mistakes and grow from them.

I want you to know that is the biggest challenge I face myself now. Self doubts reflecting on past mistakes and how others see me.. specifically focusing on negative reactions others have done to me.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this problem too and to hear that you went through a bad time after you left the site and I hope being back can bring you some peace and hope once again.

People here changed my life too Random, and i've always believed in the goodness of others and found that goodness here in the form of many of you.

I always think I wish I was different! Then I could have a normal life.. then I could be happy.. find love!!!!

Here is the kicker. Happiness isn't something you can find in others. People even the most caring can change and be unpredictible. You have to first find peace within.

That’s how I’ve felt for years and like you I’ve come to the realization that I have to find it within myself and not keep hoping someone or something will give it to me, but happiness is a bonus in life and not something that we should expect. If I were to find some sense of acceptance and peace that would be enough – it would be wonderful. Writing this I feel a sense of defeat.

I can’t look in the mirror because I know I will see a stranger. I still don’t know who or what I am. I have no identity of my own, all I have is the identity I’ve been given by others, a kind of ‘default’ me. Sometimes I scream over and over in my head WHO AM I??? I don’t have an answer that makes sense. I want to escape but I can’t, I’m trapped inside of this body.

Thank you again for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and kind post. I pray you might find the happiness you deserve. Take care.

[Luna-]

M, I am thinking of you <hugs>

[IrmaJean]

I can’t look in the mirror because I know I will see a stranger.

Is it the unfamiliarity with yourself that makes it difficult for you to look, M, or would looking force you to confront something else? I used to think healthy self-esteem was most important. I now think emotional well-being and health is more about taking care of and accepting ourselves. When we look in the mirror, we see a human being...imperfect and vulnerable. Maybe that is what is so difficult to face? When I look at myself in the mirror, I see that as well. It isn't as frightening now, as it used to be, and I'm getting better at taking care of myself. You can do it too, M. Believe in yourself. Take care of the woman in the mirror. She's hurting and needs comfort and love.

Take gentle care of you.

[randomperson]

Thank you for such a kind post. I don't come on much because things are super busy for me now. Everyone here seems has such wisdom and kindness, like a cool breeze in the summer in a way.

I think that might be true what was said.. it is something to look into, why do you feel like a stranger to yourself.. is it hurt, self rejection, or is their something your afraid to open up and look inside because it is too painful.

When I came here I was totally broken.. to the point I was forced to look into some dark spots I always ignored my entire life. When I peered into the abyss it scared me. Things about my past, my future and flaws about me were too much. Gave me the same feeling you have. For me it is like an onion.. you peel it back layer by layer.. tackle each problem on its own through baby steps till you have something smaller that you can deal with.

I still struggle.. will likely always struggle.. but I look to my past victories to help me keep going.. keep growing.

You should see who you are in us.. to us.. and how far you have came and take hope in that I know from my own life it doesn't fix the problems.. there is no quick fix to pain so deep it has become part of who you are.

But I also know it does give you footing something to help to start making the long climb out of the pit. The ability to peer around the boulder that is on your shoulders. Hope.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Luna, thank you for the hugs and ((((hugs)))) back. How are you?

IJ, yes, I am unfamiliar with myself, with who I am. and that does scare me so much. There is no 'me', or if there is a 'me' I don't yet know that person or maybe I won't/can't accept that person- I don't know! I can't take care of her I just want her to go away. I'm so confused!

Random, I hope you can continue to grow stronger and peel away at that onion until one day you are no longer crying from the pain that doing so causes you. ((((hugs)))

I think that on this forum I have unpeeled a few of those layers and have made progress. I was able to talk (write) about things I had never spoken about before and it gave me a lot of relief to do so. I have been able to forgive my mother, I know I can forgive my father, but I still struggle with trying to understand his reasons for doing what he did - I mean I guess I know why but I don't know how, knowing how much pain I was in, he could still do it. That's the part I don't think i'll ever be able to understand. I want him to be here so I can ask him and finally get resolution on that.

Having made progress, thanks to my meds and this forum, I am now lost. I think the only thing that made me what I was was my anger, and now, letting go of that I feel empty and don't know who I am or who I should be - or how to be anyone at all. I'm so confused about myself still and it's so painful to not have an identity.

Edited January 29, 2012 by Endlessnight

[IrmaJean]

I am now lost. I think the only thing that made me what I was was my anger' date=' and now, letting go of that I feel empty and don't know who I am or who I should be - or how to be anyone at all. I'm so confused about myself still and it's so painful to not have an identity. [/quote']

Though you may feel identified with them, you aren't your feelings. Maybe try looking at this with a different perspective. This may actually be the first signs of growth. Change...even positive change... can be uncomfortable and confusing. You have to rebuild from an unfamiliar place, but the process may actually be about self-discovery. You're getting to know yourself. The wall of anger is gone, and you're looking at yourself now. It's not easy...none of this is. You can do it, M. You can. I hope you will keep walking on the path and keep looking in the mirror.

I can't take care of her I just want her to go away. I'm so confused!

I hear that you are feeling confused and frustrated. "Can't" is a black and white word. Can you challenge yourself to allowing the grays...the possibilities?

Take care, M.

[frazzled1]

Hi everyone I think we all have painfull memories. Bad things happen to teach us. I think the more painfull it is, the more important it is to learn. You can't remember the lesson if you don't remember the teacher.

There are several ways of looking at the pain but the 2 I like best are...

Pain is like a stone. The bigger the pain, the bigger the stone. You can only carry so much. Every now and again you have to just stop and empty it out.

This one is better...

The Earth turns approximately 17 miles a minute. That's 23,9hundred some odd miles a day. How far in miles is your pain? If you moved 23,000 miles and realized you left your favorite most comfortable chair, you would not go back for it. You would take steps to make yourself comfortable where you are now. If you can visualize this physical comparison than you can do the same in your head and your heart. The memory of your past comfort is not worth keeping yourself uncomfortable now.

I hope this wasn't too brash or bossy. I really just want to help.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Beth. How are you? Thank you for always being there for me and giving me strength with your kindness and compassion. (((((hugs))))) I don't know that I am getting to know myself though as there is no 'me' to get to know. I'm a complete blank.

I've been looking online for help with my problems and I think I have something called 'learned helplessness' - the description it gave of it's symptoms fit me and describe me perfectly. It also helps to explain why I have done or not done so many things in my life I have regretted and hated myself for.

Now reading about this learned helplessness I think I I am finally getting to understand why I am the way I am. I've never been able to make decisions about anything - if I have to I panic and try to hide my head in the sand until it goes away. I also find it extremely hard to help myself - I am always wanting that help to be from outside of me, from other people. I don't think I am capable of doing anything myself - I think I have to ask other people to help me with whatever I need. I have extremely low self esteem.

Anyway, as I said, all of these traits in me are explained to some extent by this learned helplessness - I've never felt in control of my life, and so now that I am (kind of) I feel helpless and lost.

I have to figure out where to go from here and to cure myself of this. I have to learn to not be so passive and give up all the time, I wish I knew where or how to start, so if anyone has any links or advice (there I go again!) I would appreciate it very much.

Edited January 31, 2012 by Endlessnight

[malign]

M, one thought I had was that maybe it's easier to believe in yourself as a blank than it is to believe in yourself as a definite person whose needs aren't being met?

Here's a suggestion: take your family members one at a time, maybe starting from one of the least threatening, such as a niece or nephew who's still a child, and just ask yourself what you feel about that person. Then go on to the next one.

I bet after a few of them, you'll have a fairly non-blank list. That list is one aspect of you: how you react to those around you. That's still only a small part of you, but it's likely proof that you aren't a complete blank.

Now, that may bring you face to face with the fact that you're not a happy person, but even unhappy isn't blank. It's a place to start on the road to happy.

As for "what to do", how about one thing at a time: be you, first. Then maybe you'll know where you want to go.

[IrmaJean]

Hi, M. I'm doing very well, thanks for asking.

I've been studying existential therapy and there were several passages that described the fears and realizations that you've been feeling. There was discussion about the courage to be, and this begins by confronting one's fears and then expressing them. You've been doing this, M. Can you find a place to begin a connection with yourself? Is there any time when you feel a loving energy and compassion toward yourself? When you sense something, take note of it. Try being very aware of and attuned to yourself. You might be interested in reading online about the existential as well.

Learned helplessness? One way to change things about ourselves that we don't like is to challenge them. I'm working on this too!

Take gentle care, M.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Mark.

I love my youngest niece very much. I love all my nieces but I always feel the strongest love to the youngest. I think I love my nephews too - I have a problem admitting or showing love to men and they are young men now. I have love in me, I've always known that but where does that take me or what does it make me? You said I should 'be me' but I don't know who 'me' is, that's the root of my confusion and pain.

Beth, I don't think i've ever felt any love for myself. Compassion, I don't know - is self pity compassion?

One thing which often spares people from feelings of depression or helplessness is a sense of control over their immediate or long term circumstances. A person should be able to walk away from an abusive relationship, for example, or voluntarily quit a stressful job. A psychological condition known as learned helplessness, however, can cause a person to feel completely powerless to change his or her circumstances for the better. The result of learned helplessness is often severe depression and extremely low self-esteem.

Symptoms of learned helplessness may include:

Passivity

Giving up

Procrastination

Decreased problem-solving ability

Frustration

Low self-esteem

I know this might be weird, but when I read the above I actually felt a sense of relief. It was as though I had been suffering from some undiagnosed illness and now suddenly I had found out what was wrong with me.

Is it just that I want to have something to blame for my being the way I am? I don't know. I do know it's a relief to know that I don't have to despise myself so much and forever wonder why I have done, and not done, the things that I have in my life. Here I have an explanation, something I've always wanted - because not knowing why was making me hate myself so much. I know this isn't some kind of cure to my being the way I am, but I feel it's a step because I can now try and find a way to unlearn my helplessness and become someone that isn't defined by sitting in a corner or hiding under the bed hoping the world will go away. Perhaps this is the first step to connecting with who I am. I hope so.

[IrmaJean]

Beth, I don't think i've ever felt any love for myself. Compassion, I don't know - is self pity compassion?

I suppose that would be in how you view the connotations. I don't think of it so much as being "woe is me" or a feeling that could become something that keeps you from moving forward. I'll try to explain.

Self-compassion.

It's about taking care of yourself from the place you're in. It's about listening to your own feelings and being gentle, kind, and respectful with yourself. Imagine how you would treat a friend who was in a similar space. Would you be critical and judgmental of a friend who was hurting or would you be gentle, kind, supportive, encouraging, and caring? So many of us have to ability to care for others, but we forget how to care for ourselves. M, you're a gentle, caring person. Why not then offer those gifts to yourself as well?

Have you ever noticed how caring for others and being tender with them creates even more tender and caring feelings toward them? What I've discovered, as I have been working on this, has been that taking gentle care of myself builds on the tender feelings I have toward myself. Yes, I still at times have an inner critical voice that will be saying how ridiculous this is and that it isn't okay for me to be doing. I use some mental imagery now to turn the volume down on my inner critic and instead listen to and give power to my inner resilient voice, a voice that always encourages me. It's okay to be kind to yourself, M. You can build on this and begin to feel love toward yourself.

Take care.