memories

[Endlessnight]

Hi Beth. I just got back from the hospital. I had done some checking online and also asked a friend of mine. She had had a detached retina and she said what I have sounds like it could be the same thing and that I should go to a doc immediately just in case as I could lose my sight if it was a detached retina. Since it's Friday there are no doctors so I went to the ER of a hospital and they called in a doctor. They put drops in my eyes to dilate them and the doctor finally came. She said my retina looked okay for now but that a part of the membrane had come loose and if the 'smoke' became worse in the next two days I should go immediately to a retinal specialist, if not then I am to take the drops she gave me for seven days and return. So although i'm still having problems seeing clearly i'm just relieved I don't have to have surgery right now.

(((((hugs))))) to you too Beth.

Oh, I have to get this out....when I left for the hospital my brother was sleeping so I told his sister in law what was wrong and where I was going. She woke up her younger son and he took me to the hospital. When they told me I had to wait a couple of hours for the doc I told him to go home. Anyway when I got home my brother passed me in the hallway and asked me what happened and I told him. What upset me was that he was belittling what I said saying that there was no way it could be a detached retina and though not in so many words that I had wasted money for nothing. He always does this to me. Makes me feel that i'm in the wrong.

[IrmaJean]

How are you feeling, M? How is your eye and your vision? I'm sorry your brother was not supportive. I'm glad that you went and had it checked. I hope you are feeling better now.

[Endlessnight]

Hello Beth. How are you? Thank you for asking about my eye. It's the same, I still have the floaters in the centre of my field of vision, clouding everything and making it hard to see from my right eye. I already have very poor vision and this is just making things harder to see. The doctor said they should go on their own but as I said up to now they haven't. I will give it a few more days and then go back to her and see what she says. I am so worried about my eyesight Beth, I hope they go away on their own.

Take care dear, ((((((hugs)))))) M.

[IrmaJean]

I have several family members who are ophthalmologists. I wish I could send you to see them. I found this link. I don't know if more information might be helpful.

http://www.kellogg.umich.edu/patientcare/conditions/floaters.html

I hear your distress, M, and I can understand why you are worried. I think it's a good idea to return to the doctor if things don't improve. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope the doctor is able to help. Take care of yourself.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Beth. I have made an appointment to see the eye doc on Sunday, so I'll see what she says then. Thank you for the link, it was very helpful.

Having so many health problems come up in the past few years I feel like my body is falling apart, piece by piece. I want to throw all my medications in the garbage and give up on seeing doctors. Maybe if I save some money from all of that I won't be so depressed! My body and I are enemies.

[Endlessnight]

I'm a mess. I feel everything is spiralling out of control. I'm messing up the meds i'm supposed to take for my depression and hypertension - not taking the correct dosage and some days not taking some of the medications at all. Some days I wake up and stagger around for a few minutes like i'm drunk. I don't want to be this person. I can't handle everything that's going on.

[LaLa]

Hello, M.,

I know some posts are missing here (written on MHN in the meantime), but I hope it doesn't matter if I post here this now:

Today I've read a post from Luna to you from 2010 and I think it could be nice to remind it:

Endlessnight said:

I know i've been over this before, and sometimes it seems like i'm going round and round in circles, getting nowhere. It hurts so much still.

Many years ago, I would say the same thing in therapy and one day the therapist explained to me that yes, we do go in circles; we keep cycling back to things we have gone through before, but each time around the circle gets slightly smaller and the trend is towards greater awareness and being closer to your core or the core of the issue. So when the same issues come around again, it's not that you've got nowhere, you're simply coming around this way again, looking at it slightly differently. This kind of thing is circular, not linear. It also feels as if it is going nowhere because it happens incrementally, in ways that feel like nothing but which, bit by bit, add up to change.

Endlessnight said:

I want to unlock the door of the cage and let my younger self out to live again, free of all the emotions that have kept her in such pain.

This happens incrementally, not so much by driving the anger and bitterness and grief out, as by allowing kindness and listening and compassion to soak in. The scales will get closer to tipping in favour of happiness, but this can only happen in baby steps. My first thought when i read this was that it sounded a bit like trying to eat an elephant. Of course you want to eat all of it, right now and get it done. Of course you would like a total transition, with all the negative emotions gone. But the transition has lots of little steps in it. Memories and negative emotions don't go away, but as you give more attention to compassion and moments of enjoyment, they recede. But you need to start tipping the scales in small manageable steps or you'll be overwhelmed by the task and feel you are getting nowhere and get frustrated and feel hopeless. (Even in therapy, this happens slowly.)

[Endlessnight]

I've had a tough time this past ten or so days. I mentioned that I had messed up my medications and what I didn't realise was that I hadn't been taking any depression meds. The one I was taking was a mood stabilizer only. I started crying a lot again, and was very short tempered and irritable, and generally obnoxious. I was also having trouble sleeping, and was very agitated so I started sleeping on the floor.

Yesterday I went back to the pdoc and he explained about the meds mistake I had made. He prescribed me a med for depression (one a lot cheaper than the Cymbalta) and said I should also take the mood stabiliser and the Seroquel to help me sleep. I'm hoping these meds will work out for me and help me get myself back together again.

I found out there is a therapist in the hospital where the new pdoc I go to works. I also found out it costs almost $200 per hour so that's out of the question. I wish it wasn't though, I wish I could afford to see the therapist and be able to be who I really am and not pretend or lie or hide.

[IrmaJean]

That sounds so distressful, M. Are there any therapists there who provide services for a lower fee if you can't afford? I'm not sure if there might be any programs there where you live. I know there is a lot of oppression so I imagine your choices are limited. It's very unfortunate that you are looking for help and cost has to be a factor to your emotional health and well-being.

I hope the new medication helps you feel better. Take care.

[Endlessnight]

I've begun to doubt myself so much. It seems nothing I do is right or turns out the way I want it to. Am I really the bad person everyone seems to think I am? I don't know any more. All I know is it's causing me a lot of pain. why can't I be rid of this damn life. What am I? I must be such a nothing that I am treated this way.

[malign]

"Am I really the bad person everyone seems to think I am?"

Wow. That's, like, five questions in one.

"Do I know what everyone thinks?"

"Do I know that everyone thinks I'm a bad person?"

"Are they right?"

At least you used the word "seems" in there ...

M., you have to agree that one possible reason for a person to be treated badly is that they might be surrounded by people who don't treat people well. The conclusion about having to be "a nothing" is a huge leap.

[Lana73]

((((((( M )))))))

[Endlessnight]

Mark, I know that when I get upset I tend to over generalise and use sweeping statements. As always your breaking down of what i say helps me put things into perspective.

I said I've begun to doubt myself because so many times I do or say something with (I hope) the best intentions but they are not seen that way by certain close family members. Even my eldest niece, who I love so much, has started being very rude to me. I am having problems with my oldest nephew who so reminds me of my brother and his behaviour to me. I've begun to doubt that all these people are in the wrong and I am in the right. Maybe my intentions are not as kind or good as I would like to think they are. Perhaps it is me that is to blame for everything as my brother has always said, but if he's wrong then why am I treated the way I am?

[malign]

I do understand the doubt, M. My ex made me feel the same way. She was so certain that all the problems were mine that eventually, though I didn't really believe her, I acted as if I did because nothing else worked. Didn't make her right, though; just made me suicidal.

Listen to yourself. You know inside what your true intentions are.

"... if he's wrong then why am I treated the way I am?" Wouldn't it make sense that, if he's wrong, you're treated the way you are because he's wrong? There's no guarantee that good intentions will be rewarded in every situation, just the human belief that they will be rewarded, on the average. What that suggests is that you try to surround yourself with more rewarding people. I know that may not be possible for you, but at least it might reassure you a bit that the problem isn't you.

[Endlessnight]

Mark, i'm sorry you experienced this in your married life but I hope that now you are divorced your life can go on to new and better things. Sometimes I wish I could divorce certain family members! Unfortunately for me that isn't possible.

She was so certain that all the problems were mine that eventually, though I didn't really believe her, I acted as if I did because nothing else worked. Didn't make her right, though; just made me suicidal.

Reading that made me realise that the reason for my own self doubt is because it's easier to believe I am in the wrong than the opposite, because if it's not my fault it makes no sense (to me) that they treat me the way they do.

I am having the same sort of dilemma when it comes to my feelings about my father, which I just can't seem to get sorted out. I've been having some dreams about him and in the dreams his face looks strange. I know it's him but his features are blurred in a really bad way, that is a little scary. The dilemma I have is that I know my father loved me yet he treated me very badly and I can't reconcile the two. Father's are supposed to love and take care of their children. They are supposed to do what's best for them. I don't understand how my father could watch my daily suffering yet not care. I guess it's why I mistrust love - the word seems meaningless because if my father loved me he wouldn't have done what he did. It's so confusing and painful to understand.

[finding my way]

Confusion is one of the most painful takeaways from dysfunctional relationships. It makes you confused about reality and you can feel so crazy!

Endless, I hope you can build on positive relating, wherever you can find it... in your students, here, others you can find to relate to. It will help you not feel so confused.

Your father may have grown up with a lot of confusion himself that he was never able to sort out...

[IrmaJean]

Reading that made me realise that the reason for my own self doubt is because it's easier to believe I am in the wrong than the opposite' date=' because if it's not my fault it makes no sense (to me) that they treat me the way they do.[/quote']

Their behaviors are about them and reflect on them, M. It helps me if I am able to understand how things are for them, but I know that isn't always possible either. Even when I can't understand them, though, I am able to separate myself some from it.

The dilemma I have is that I know my father loved me yet he treated me very badly and I can't reconcile the two.

He must have struggled with his own issues and so he was unable to give you what you needed. I hear that this was and still is very painful and confusing for you' date=' M.

I guess it's why I mistrust love...

We're imperfect beings. I think that many of us love the best way we know how and the best way we are capable of loving. Knowing this does not excuse abuse or lessen the pain of dysfunctional relationships. Hopefully, it helps to keep us trying, though. I hope your heart remains open to love, M. Take gentle care of you.

[Endlessnight]

Finding, you are right about how the confusion can make you crazy.

My father had a very very hard life. He was taken prisoner by the Japanese when they invaded Singapore. He was 16 years old and was used as slave labour. Thinking of his hard life makes me want to cry for him but it doesn't excuse his behaviour to me. Life can be so awful.

Beth I wish I could separate myself from their behaviour but I can't. It affects me too much. I want so much to be loved. But the only love I know is that of my parents, neither of whom gave us great examples of it.

Yesterday morning I went to the hospital to do an endoscopy. No one had explained the procedure to me beforehand so I was totally unprepared when they handed me a release form to sign. That was when I found out I would be sedated. I guess it's my own fault. When the doc said he needed to do one I should have asked more questions. After the procedure, and after I had recovered, I got a taxi home. I had been gone from nine in the morning to three in the afternoon. Not one person in the house asked me where I had been or why, despite my having a huge plaster on the back of my hand. It made me sad. I could have died in the hospital and no one would have known where I was or what had happened to me.

Today it still hurts to swallow and I am waiting for the results of the biopsy.

P.S.

I know I am feeling sorry for myself - sorry.

[LaLa]

Thinking of his hard life makes me want to cry for him but it doesn't excuse his behaviour to me. Life can be so awful.

[...]

I know I am feeling sorry for myself - sorry.

You're right, M.; it doesn't excuse him. But it explains it and that's something we sometimes should accept as the only source of relief - understanding. The more you understand, the less you're confused, the less you feel "crazy" and bad. When you know that the reason of someone's behavior to you is only his own life, his own inability to overcome some issues and to have healthy relationships, it explains to you that the reason of his behavior are NOT YOU - and that's very important. I know we all need love and we all need to feel that "somebody" cares about us. Your wish to feel this too is natural, normal, right - as well as your feeling of being sorry for yourself in this sad situation. I wish you lived with people who would give you all the love and care you need and deserve ... But as Finding pointed out; there are also other people, even though you're not is such a 'close' and frequent contact with them as with your family - and many of them relate to you in positive ways! Maybe it would help to focus on what they give you... and to being able to take it and enjoy it. (We've mentioned this before, you surely remember... As when some people gave you money for your treatment of your students gave you the flowers, ... The nice moments are still in your memory - maybe you could recall them more often and allow yourself to feel comforted...)

I'm sorry that the doctors made the whole procedure even more unpleasant for you by not giving you the info you should have gotten! And I'm sorry about the ignoration from your family members ... I hope so much the results will be OK and you'll recover soon!

Good luck!

[IrmaJean]

Endoscopy? That must have been painful. I hope the tests come out okay.

I want so much to be loved. But the only love I know is that of my parents' date=' neither of whom gave us great examples of it.[/quote']

I hear you, M. Maybe you can start feeling love by accessing your own loving self from within. You seem to me to have a kind heart. Can you give some energy and light to that part of you? What of the love you have for your nieces?

I know I am feeling sorry for myself - sorry.

It's okay to express your feelings, M. It's also okay to need comfort and reassurance. I'm sorry you're feeling sad and hurt. ((((hugs))))

[Endlessnight]

Hi LaLa, Hi Beth, and thank you for your understanding and help.

I know there are people that care about me, I guess I just want my closest family members to care too - something I don't think will ever happen. I have been trying so hard to make amends for the past (even though the problems of the past were not wholly my fault) but everything I do is either not enough or taken the wrong way and turned into something bad. I know, for my own sake, that I must stop expecting the people around me to change and become better people. That is something that is out of my hands and I must accept that. It's in my nature to 'beat a dead horse' and I know it's futile, but I still do it and it's hurting me.

I am confused about love because even though I say I love my nieces I'm not sure I know what love is. My parents love came with a lot of pain, and my love for my niece was used by my brother to hurt me and her. Now my eldest niece is hurting me so much with her attitude towards me - it must be me! Everything about me is hurtful and useless.

[IrmaJean]

I am confused about love because even though I say I love my nieces I'm not sure I know what love is.

I imagine each person has their own feelings about the meaning of the word. To me' date=' it means to have a deep and tender affection for another person. When you consider your own love, what do you feel inside? Warmth? Giving? Affection? Maybe it could help to get in touch with the gentle aspects of yourself? It might help you to become aware of the joy in your heart. I have found that the awareness of this, in and of itself, can be very soothing.

My parents love came with a lot of pain, and my love for my niece was used by my brother to hurt me and her.

Possibly your parents' behaviors and their treatment of you did not reflect on their love or of love itself, but rather on their own dysfunctional behavior within relationships.

I'm sorry that your brother used your vulnerability to manipulate you. This, to me, is abusive behavior. It doesn't reflect on your love; it reflects on your brother's behaviors and struggles within interpersonal relationships. Your vulnerability is a tender and beautiful part of you and this part of you deserves to be treated with respect and gentle care.

I often think of my loving parts symbolically as delicate flowers. The flowers are tender and very beautiful. If I allow my petals to open up in the sunlight, I am being true to my heart. I am embracing the gentle parts of myself and letting myself be seen. It's a wonderful feeling. This openness, though very pretty and delicate, does not come without risks if someone chooses to disrespect it and me. However, even if my petals are deliberately harmed by another, it does not mean they were never beautiful. Does that make any kind of sense, M? Your love is a gift, but you can only control your part in this. Maybe, in time, you can feel your own love from within and offer it back to yourself.

Take gentle care.

[Endlessnight]

Beth, your analogy about your gentle parts being like the petals of a flower really made sense to me. I have very low self esteem so it's easy for other's words or actions to make me doubt myself, but I must stop allowing them to and trust in myself more. I DO have a good and warm heart. I DO care for others. I AM a good person inside. I DO deserve to be treated better. I have to say this to myself every day so I can face each day with more confidence and less fear.

I went back to the GIT doc to get the results of my endoscopy and thankfully, all I have is a fungal infection of the oesophagus. I saw the chest doc also to ask if I could stop taking my inhaler yet, as it could be one of the causes of the fungal infection, and he said I could, but I should keep a non cortisol inhaler with me always, just in case.

I want everyone to know that I am very grateful for their replies and help. Your comments do make a difference. The biggest one is helping me see me more clearly, since I see myself from the perspective of other's actions and comments, (something I know I must try to get out of doing) and those of close family members are always negative, it does help to hear more positive comments from friends here.

[IrmaJean]

I have very low self esteem so it's easy for other's words or actions to make me doubt myself' date=' but I must stop allowing them to and trust in myself more. I DO have a good and warm heart. I DO care for others. I AM a good person inside. I DO deserve to be treated better. I have to say this to myself every day so I can face each day with more confidence and less fear.[/quote']

Yes. This is wonderful, M. :) I hear your inner light and resilient voice. I hope this part of you can feel more energy and see more light. Take care.

[LaLa]

Hello, M.,

I have to say it's pleasant for me to see your insightful and understanding words, like these:

I know, for my own sake, that I must stop expecting the people around me to change and become better people. That is something that is out of my hands and I must accept that. It's in my nature to 'beat a dead horse' and I know it's futile, but I still do it and it's hurting me.

[...]

I have very low self esteem so it's easy for other's words or actions to make me doubt myself, but I must stop allowing them to and trust in myself more. I DO have a good and warm heart. I DO care for others. I AM a good person inside. I DO deserve to be treated better. I have to say this to myself every day so I can face each day with more confidence and less fear.

I suppose it also brings you despair sometimes: "What is it good for to realize this all when it still hurts in every-day life?" But we who already stopped hurting "in some contexts" know that it's a long way and that understanding and insights like these of your own are indispensable "prerequisits" for changes in attitudes and feelings... And I see you already also can feel better sometimes and it is so nice to know...

I am confused about love because even though I say I love my nieces I'm not sure I know what love is. My parents love came with a lot of pain, and my love for my niece was used by my brother to hurt me and her. Now my eldest niece is hurting me so much with her attitude towards me - it must be me! Everything about me is hurtful and useless.

Reading this, I have to think about a possible parallel: You feel your uncertainties in love (toward your nieces - and also the nephew, I suppose) and realize that they originate in your lack of an "ideal" love in your childhood. Being in touch with these feelings, you might get in touch with some possible feelings of other members of your family: They also have lived in such an 'unfriendly', 'not-warm-enough', ... environment, so they also have problems with feeling and expressing love. There are many differences, of course - you handle it differently because of your character and specific personal experiences, different from theirs. You all are 'stigmatized' in some ways, but you’ve gotten “the short end of the stick”, so to say: I suppose they (I mean mainly your brother now) also feel some unpleasant consequences, but probably don't suffer as much as you because their way of coping with it is very different: They profit from their dominance and compensate with its benefits the lack of loving, warm relationships. They don't allow themselves to suffer from the lack of love and understanding by just being angry at you and "venting" it, which is always much easier than trying to work things out and establish better relationships. They aren't sensitive as you are, they're dominated by other feelings (e.g. anger, not pity or remorse) because of their different social (or even "socio-cultural") position (as men) and different character traits.

I know this all is jus tmy fantasy based on the pieces of your life that you describe here, but maybe you can find there some inspritation for having a better insight into the situation. And for abandoning this kind of thinking:

it must be me! Everything about me is hurtful and useless.

I also have different fantasies ... As... whether it would be possible for you to change completely your life, to "divorce your family". I imagined you searching (on internet, of course) a connection in the UK, somebody (an organisation for immigrants?) helping you to get a job and dwelling there - you might be a teacher of either English for foreigners or of Arabian language (?)... Sorry if it's painful to you to read because it seems so very unrealistic . But maybe you could allow yourself some fantasies about what would you like to do/change if it was possible. Maybe you might discover that some of them are possible (you might just play by searching for possibilities and ways to achieve some dreams - without being sad if you don't find them). And if not, it might be just a kind of relax, play. (I enjoy daydreaming a lot. The principle is not to worry if it's possible to realize . But maybe some dreams are worth following - giving them a try. Just a try... )

Have a nice weekend!