SweetSue Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Hi soregretful Ive quoted your first post on this thread, in hope that we can help you a little, also to refresh and bring back to the original topic of your thread.I hope this will be of some help Hello, everyone,I have a thread in another forum going. I am wanting to die so much every day!! I know a lot of people are going to be disgusted. I looked at children in Speedos when I was younger and maybe pleasured myself. There was not one ounce of illegal material, nada, none, zip. No one was hurt, and I do not desire relations of any kind with a kid. I just feel so horrible for even having looked at this. It is like I poisoned my mind. I, needless to say, am NOT going to look again, but my guilt it just killing me. I hate myself for having poisoned my mind like this. The sad thing is I have a girlfriend who wants to have children with me. On top of that, I have used "normal" things to explore my sexuality, too. I feel so awful about having looked AT PICTURES!! Not hurting anyone, never wanting to hurt anyone, nothing of the sort. I promise you it was always with Speedos, specifically. I could even tell people the sites if they thought that telling them would help me. I just feel so damn bad about even having looked, let alone possibly using these COMPUTER IMAGES in a sexual way. I feel just awful about it and want so badly to die. What can I do to just feel better? I want to get past it, but having done this and having kids seems to be a bit disjointed, particularly when my guilt is so bad I don't want to be alive anymore. I promise you, this is stuff anyone could see on like a swim team website. And for the life of me, I don't know how much I even "used" it. I want to get help, but the biggest part of me thinks I will be like this forever, just hating myself. I will be some little 80 year old man that did this and I can't live with that. To top it all off, I would be the best damn father I could ever want to be, because I am a teacher! What the heck do I do? I have other things on my chest with this and have tried posting in another forum, only to be told, I am having a pity party for myself. I seriously want to commit suicide because of this. Not one child was harmed, nor would I even want to look at anything of the sort. Any ideas, guys? I want to die so much! If you think I am too disgusting to reply, I can't say I don't blame you. I hate the whole idea I did this too. I thought this may a more useful forum because it is about treatment.I am sorry you are feeling as if you want(ed) to end your life, I know how rough and painful that feels as do many others here.Guilt is a strong emotion, and a heavy weight to bare, especially when its been carried around for many years. You were young, you deserve to forgive yourself.Sorry Im probably not very much help, but I have had more than my fair share of guilt trips, and the only way I can cope with some of them (coz some even now I struggle to deal with) is by keeping myself so damn busy, that I dont have time to dwell on them. Ive learnt that no matter how much I want to change the past - I cant, but I can try to occupy myself with the present and the future, and use what I have learnt from my past.Anyway, take care, and I hope that you can be kinder to yourself, and I also hope that one of the other members here, know of a way to better help you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Well said SR and SweetSue.Now that SR is posting here again, I think it's time we stop pinning blame on one another. Those of you who feel threatened or triggered can leave. Those who want to help SR can stay.It is best that we return to the topic at hand, and only stay fixated on the topic at hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Welcome back, SR. I understand that you are feeling angry. One thing I might suggest in improving your communication here is to not scream so much. Let's take a breath and regroup here....you have the urgent forum where people tell you that they are thinking about suicide all the time and those people get a slap on the wrist.I want to point out the rules for this in the http://community.mentalhelp.net/faq.php?faq=rules#faq_unsafe to help clarify. It isn't the discussion of suicide itself, it's when the discussion crosses the line into unsafe.Let's start over with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 hi SR. just wondering what your take might be on what Sweet Sue shared as to what she found helped her deal with much guilt........"Sorry Im probably not very much help, but I have had more than my fair share of guilt trips, and the only way I can cope with some of them (coz some even now I struggle to deal with) is by keeping myself so damn busy, that I dont have time to dwell on them. Ive learnt that no matter how much I want to change the past - I cant, but I can try to occupy myself with the present and the future, and use what I have learnt from my past.""Anyway, take care, and I hope that you can be kinder to yourself," __________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hatemeds Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Sorry dude I wasnt triggered at all but I for one didnt undertand you at all - I thought you felt guilty about crossin boundaries with the kids. didnt make sense to me that you'd feel guilty about lookin at 2 questionable websites - no harm done there, but it did make sense that you felt guilty about being aroused by the boys. sorry dude but you brought it up and I dont think i was the only one that got that impression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 I would like to respectfully say that me using capital letters doesn't mean I'm screaming. I use them to emphasize certain things that I want to stand out because people seem to read what they want instead of what I want them to focus on. I apologize if it comes across any other way. And to me anyone bringing up the thought I molested the boys is crossing the line. You say I crossed the line but some of the things that were said may have been used to push me there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hatemeds Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Now im totally confused dude - who is pushing you to cross what line? What are you referring to?Good thing is though - you seem to be a lot more assertive - you dont sound like youre beating yourself up anymore - good thing brother! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 The only thing I feel bad about is the websites and maybe using them. That was disgusting and totally a crap thing to do. I do not feel bad about anything else...just the websites and maybe using them. What I am referring to about being pushed across the line is that I came on here trying to find a way to cope with the guilt and I have been told that people are thinking I molested children. That is not fair, even if it is what people think, there is no need to tell me that. I told everyone exactly what I did, and even stooped to humiliate myself by showing you the websites. What more does anyone want? Now, not only do I feel bad about that, but crossing boundaries, triggering people, and now I have people thinking I am a child molester? Really? I told you the issue I wanted help with is the guilt. Why do we have to keep making me feel bad about stuff? Instead of 1 thing, it's up to 4. That hardly seems like the result I wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Hi soregretful Im sorry that you hurting. I hear you, You want help with guilt, what have you tried to help ease this feeling ?What your feeling guilty about happened years ago (correct me if I'm wrong) do you think that maybe its time you try to forgive yourself ?Just a thought but ................Sometimes if we can forgive ourself for something, it makes it easier to learn to deal with the guilt.Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Forgiving oneself, (or others,) is a gift one gives to oneself.Its a decision to 'let go', and to get on with, living more fully withiin ones present.One could 'say to oneself,' that yes I was stupid, (as in not knowing better, or i ought to have known better, etc) THEN, but hey then is not now, now is now. Choose to make choices that fascilitate having the quality of emotional experience one truly wants, NOW, (because then is gone.) So what if you tripped, fell, covered oneself with 'do-do',?? its over, the opportunity is NOW. How one wants and chooses to experience their gift of a new NOW. with love and hugs bw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 That is just it.....I know where I want to be. I have a girl I love who loves me. We both want to make a family together and have children. Is there a way to get there? Is there a chance I have screwed up my sexuality by looking and perhaps doing what I did? Can I still achieve this? I feel so guilty I want to die. And now here I am right at the doorstep of my dreams...why can't I go in? I just can't even live with myself right now, so how should I bring someone else into this? The shitty thing is I have been told by students parents what a great dad I would be. What do you think? I just want to be happy for me but even that seems impossible. So what now? I will have this on my mind forever and I am the fool who put it there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 That is just it.....I know where I want to be. I have a girl I love who loves me. We both want to make a family together and have children. Is there a way to get there? It is simple, really SR. Simply make it so. Simply leave, drop, any regrets, guilt, over you're simply not knowing any better, (long ago,) and committ to living fully in the present.Is there a chance I have screwed up my sexuality by looking and perhaps doing what I did? Can I still achieve this? Again, who are you asking and why? What is your committment? I feel so guilty I want to die. And now here I am right at the doorstep of my dreams...why can't I go in? Is this a useful question? is this the kind of answer you are looking for, wanting to focus yourself on (why you can't)? Think about the quality of your thoughts, your self talk, your focus.We always get, to experience emotionally, that which we focus ourselves on. I just can't even live with myself right now, so how should I bring someone else into this? Again, what an amazing thing to work so hard at convincing yourself of, really !!!!!! The shitty thing is I have been told by students parents what a great dad I would be. What do you think? Does it matter? Doesn't it matter what you choose to think, choose to believe?I just want to be happy for me but even that seems impossible. So what now? I will have this on my mind forever and I am the fool who put it there. AGAIN, some really useful limiting self talk, and obsession with believing only the worst of yourself??? What am I missing?Could it be a lacking of committment to live fully, with gratitude, in the present? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Hi soregretful Im sorry that you hurting. I hear you, You want help with guilt, what have you tried to help ease this feeling ?What your feeling guilty about happened years ago (correct me if I'm wrong) do you think that maybe its time you try to forgive yourself ?Just a thought but ................Sometimes if we can forgive ourself for something, it makes it easier to learn to deal with the guilt.Take careThat is just the thing, Sue....It did happen a while ago. When I found the dates on the website, it said it was shut down in 2003. So, who knows why it is plaguing me now? That doesn't mean it is any easier to forgive myself. I am the one who went there, so why shouldn't I feel bad? I am the one that did this horrible thing. I don't even know why I did it. I just feel like crap one day after the other after the other. I have been in bed for line 14 hours today. I don't even want to do anything...no matter what I do, nothing is fun. Even stuff I like to do isn't fun because all I do is feel guilty. I wish I knew how to stop. Sue, let me ask you, what do you think of me? Someone who did what I did? Are you really pretty disgusted by it? I am. If it were me hearing that about someone else, I would be like that is kinda sick. Well, turns out it's me. And for the life of me, I didn't do anything more than this, though Allan and several others think I may have. It is that kind of accusation that makes me feel even worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Did you go to therapy this week? How did that go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 AGAIN, some really useful limiting self talk, and obsession with believing only the worst of yourself??? What am I missing?Could it be a lacking of committment to live fully, with gratitude, in the present?Even when I try to make the best of things, Sissa, I just feel lousy. I went to a pool party for one of my students last night and the kids were so excited to see me. I have to admit I had a little bit of fun, but still just felt guilty the whole time. I just keep hearing those couple of websites over and over in my head.I don't even know why I looked....that is what really irks me....why did I do this to myself? I can't figure out an answer to that one. Why would it be coming back now to haunt me? I don't get it! Oh, and the Option Institute will not get in touch with me either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 And again, not that I am proud of it, here is what is making me contemplate taking my life......http://web.archive.org/web/20040605172748/http://www.far.nu/01boy/gallery/It is nothing besides that. Check it out, I don't care anymore. But don't even try to think that I am covering up for something else, and if you do, don't bother to tell me.Guys, I promise that this is the only thing I feel bad about. This is it! Right here. Not anything to do with the two boys I know....as a matter of fact, this happened in my life before I even met them. The dates on the site say the early 2000s. I am feeling bad about only this and nothing more....I promise! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Hi soregretful I hear your pain, and I am truely sorry that you cant help but torture yourself over this:(You do not, have to/feel the need to keep defending yourself like this. No one here should feel like they have to proove any of what they say is the truth Gosh, you have so much going on for you right now.Contemplating taking your life is serious, do you feel safe ?Is anyone with you that can help ?Please call someone, if you feel that the contemplating is becoming more than that.Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 the only disgusting thing is the quality of self talk being chosen.We get what we get, emotionally, because it is the way we interpret what is going on and what we are doing, judgementally.Change or drop the judgement, the outcome, and, wow!!! the emotional experience changes. Magic --------------------------------------------------------"I am the one who went there, so why shouldn't I feel bad?"Are you REALLY looking for justification for feeling badly, uncharitably, towards yourself ???????????Choose to change your thoughts, and you guarantee to change your experience. Guaranteed. So, the question is where or on what are you going to choose to focus yourself????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Well,Honestly, as awful as this might sound, I want to focus on having a family. I am not sure it can even happen, but I can't stand the thought of being alone. Whatcha think, Sissa? Can I get there? I want to, but I sure hate the idea of being intimate and having this on my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Hey soregretful What makes you think that it sounds awful to want to focus on having a family ?Its a lovely focus to have, well as long as you and your girlfriend/wife-to-be are both ready. Family can be one of the most beautiful things in the world. You ask if you can get "there", and well I suppose each of us has our own "there", and all of us are on our way toward it. I like to think, where ever our different "there" actually is, we find it eventually. Till then its just a case of putting one foot in front of the other, so that we can continue along our path. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hatemeds Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 you know brother, readin your posts (you learn from interpersonal contact so im gonna let you know how you make me think) i sometimes feel like youre tryna push me into thinkin you're guilty or agreeing with you - i just dont get what there is to feel so guilty about (yes i get that you DO feel guilty but i dont understand why)? What is the Option institute? why do you never answer when people ask you about therapy - that is so important??why do you think this guilt about the websites(which was so long ago) has come up now? what triggered it?**** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 you know brother, readin your posts (you learn from interpersonal contact so im gonna let you know how you make me think) i sometimes feel like youre tryna push me into thinkin you're guilty or agreeing with you - i just dont get what there is to feel so guilty about (yes i get that you DO feel guilty but i dont understand why)? What is the Option institute? why do you never answer when people ask you about therapy - that is so important??why do you think this guilt about the websites(which was so long ago) has come up now? what triggered it?****Hatemeds,What if I looked at pictures of kids and possibly pleasured myself? Why shouldn't I feel guilty about that? I mean, that is it...honest....that is the extent of what happened. Can you tell me why I shouldn't feel bad about that? I have told all of my family and they tell me the same thing...why should I not feel guilty? This is really an important thing to know.Therapy has been erratic...been to a few different ones and am trying to stick with this guy even though he deals with sex offenders, which I am not. I really think that my depression about the boys growing up had something to do with this. I was depressed a full two months (September-almost November) before this even came up. I really love those guys and I didn't even start to have any arousal issues until I remembered this, honest to God. This could not be a more screwed up story, but I am telling you the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted May 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Hey soregretful What makes you think that it sounds awful to want to focus on having a family ?Its a lovely focus to have, well as long as you and your girlfriend/wife-to-be are both ready. Family can be one of the most beautiful things in the world. You ask if you can get "there", and well I suppose each of us has our own "there", and all of us are on our way toward it. I like to think, where ever our different "there" actually is, we find it eventually. Till then its just a case of putting one foot in front of the other, so that we can continue along our path. Take careSue,I mean did you read what I did? I just don't see that and a family going hand in hand. I had a therapist tell me I had a five percent chance at conceiving a child, let alone being able to consummate a marriage. Can you imagine me trying to be intimate with speedo kids on my mind....doesn't seem right. Would I like to get there....you bet! We are both talking about it. I just think that all of my other issues are going to take over my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hatemeds Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 okay more questions - sorry dude tryna get the bigger picture here cos we can tell you not to feel guilty/how to deal with guilt till we're blue in the face but its like tryna fart against thunder when you dont understand what the bigger picture is.Have you ever felt aroused with your girlfriend? Are you worried that you might get aroused with some of your students bein a teacher? How come you dont see those boys any more - why did the contact stop and why do you think it depressed you? Why did you go to a sex offender therapist?Option institute - what is that?**** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Is the guy you're sticking with in therapy the CBT therapist you saw last week or is this a different one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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