What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[Sissagwaad]

not to distract you from all the excellent ideas people are responding with.

When people don't answer the questions, Sue, I read into them that they would be just disgusted.

(Again, isn't this fixation but one of many possible reasons? Think about it, really.

Do you really believe you the center of everyone elses universe?)

What is so useful in choosing to be so harshly critical of yourself, and everyone else?

You ask some questions like,....

What can therapy do? It isn't like the can erase my memory?

Yes, of course it can.

Simply, effective therapy opens one that chooses to be open to it, to changing the memory all together.

You seem fixated on but one possible interpretation. You are successful in beating yourself up.

Do you or don't you really want to do anything else with your 'make' of what happened in a different time and place?

(This is what a therapist would attempt to have you look at about your choices)

[Musicman]

Sissa, I don't think the point is to change SR's memory. The point is to allow him to understand that what he did isn't the end of the world. He made a mistake years ago, and this can be a learning opportunity. I'm sure that changing one's memories probably is possible, but isn't that just brainwashing?

[Sissagwaad]

Sissa, I don't think the point is to change SR's memory. The point is to allow him to understand that what he did isn't the end of the world. He made a mistake years ago, and this can be a learning opportunity. I'm sure that changing one's memories probably is possible, but isn't that just brainwashing?

with respect, i suggest it is his memory, how he pictures this event, and carries it around with him, precisely the root of his issues. When he learns and chooses with the assistance of an effective therapist, that he indeed has freedom and choice in affecting the quality of his memory, he will indeed 'forget' it as he is presently remembering it. if you get the drift.

[Musicman]

True Sissa. I think I misunderstood your original post. I thought you were suggesting that the therapist could literally remove SR's memory. Really, what the therapist can likely do is cause him to "forget" about this memory, in the sense that it won't bother him all the time, and he won't always be occupied thinking about it.

[Sissagwaad]

True Sissa. I think I misunderstood your original post. I thought you were suggesting that the therapist could literally remove SR's memory. Really, what the therapist can likely do is cause him to "forget" about this memory, in the sense that it won't bother him all the time, and he won't always be occupied thinking about it.

exactly. That is the role of therapy. To realize the freedom we have to create a different memory version, and to thusly have a more useful emotional experience.

[soregretful]

That is precisely what I need....a way to just kind of forget it. People say you are obsessing....trust me, it isn't like I WANT to think about this. It isn't like I am saying let's see....what can I think about today...ok...got it...speedo kids. I need a way to not think about it all the time, because that is all I do anymore is think about it. I really just want to die. I mean, can you imagine my poor girlfriend? Her boyfriend may have gotten off looking at kids before? Really? Oh my God....when will I just die?

[soregretful]

Believe, you wouldnt want the situation Im facing right now - but that is a whole different issue. Each of us just have to deal with things the best we can.

You ask what therapy can do for you, I cannot answer that. As mostly it depends on the therapist, and how you apply yourself to therapy - well thats how I see it anyway - I could be wrong.......

Ive had therapy, different types over the years - some therapies work for me - some do not. But you never know until you try

Take care

(thanks Musicman )

I am sorry to hear you are having problems Sue....but if you are married and have children, at least you have some support in place..I don't. I have no one to help me through this. I don't know that I can make it through this. I am scared. If you were my girlfriend and I told you this, how would you react, honestly? She just texted me and asked what's wrong? I am not getting very good at covering things up anymore.

[IrmaJean]

Were you focused on something different before this? The reason I ask is that whenever I have been in "anxious mode", I have at times felt as if my mind needed to focus on something just to settle down. Anxiety can make your mind spin. Have you tried shifting your focus onto something less painful? What has your therapist suggested?

[SweetSue]

Hi

I have no one to help me through this. I don't know that I can make it through this. I am scared. If you were my girlfriend and I told you this, how would you react, honestly? She just texted me and asked what's wrong? I am not getting very good at covering things up anymore.

Soregretful, how I would react in that situation, isnt important, for how one person reacts in a situation is entirely different to how someone else might react. We are all different.

However I would like to think that I would react calmly, and in a caring manner.

The thing is, you never know what your girlfriend might or might not say, unless you ask her.

If you are tired of "covering up" things, why not tell her how you are feeling ?

You keep mentioning that you want to die, soregretful, and I want to ask you if you are feeling safe, do you need to call someone ?.

Take care

[soregretful]

Hi

Soregretful, how I would react in that situation, isnt important, for how one person reacts in a situation is entirely different to how someone else might react. We are all different.

However I would like to think that I would react calmly, and in a caring manner.

The thing is, you never know what your girlfriend might or might not say, unless you ask her.

If you are tired of "covering up" things, why not tell her how you are feeling ?

You keep mentioning that you want to die, soregretful, and I want to ask you if you are feeling safe, do you need to call someone ?.

Take care

Calling someone right now just seems like saving a life that I will live in misery. I can't believe this is my life! I have committed emotional suicide already. I don't remember what it feels like to be happy.

[Sissagwaad]

SR replays to himself:

" I really just want to die. I mean, can you imagine my poor girlfriend? Her boyfriend may have gotten off looking at kids before? Really? Oh my God....when will I just die?"

What would it mean, or happen SR, if you didn't keep-on dramatizing to yourself,

for yourself, how awful you think you 'were?' (with the notion of 'dying'?)

[Musicman]

SR, perhaps it's time that you confront your girlfriend. You can't cover this up forever. If you don't tell her, you are in a losing situation. You may not be able to love her like she needs. She may grow tired and end the relationship. By not telling her, you're simply prolonging the time that you feel terrible about yourself.

From the way it sounds, your girlfriend truly loves you. Why not tell her that you waited this long because you didn't want to hurt her? Why not tell her that for these last months, you've felt she deserves so much better than you? Why not tell her that you've been to different therapists and have joined an online community? Why not tell her that every second of every day, you feel guilty? Lastly, why not tell her that you're deeply in love with her? If you continue on your current course, you're not doing anyone any favors.

She may stay with you and she may not. Either way, are you really any worse off? If you never confronted her, you'd be stuck in a relationship in which you are unable to express love. What's the point of that?

SR, you sound like you're coming dangerously close to doing the unthinkable. I already sent you my email address a few days ago, and am willing to give you my cellphone number if it means you'd talk with me before attempting anything. Do you feel safe? Once you've ended your life, there's no way to take it back. It very well could be the stupidest thing you've ever done, even more so than looking at the images. You COULD live a life of happiness. We just need to figure out how to instill that in you.

[soregretful]

Musicman,

If I tell her and she leaves....I will have no one. Add to that the fact that this could get back to the board of education. I don't think they would look to kindly on this, do you? Telling somebody means losing everything, including my job. I mean, do you really know what is at stake here?

[soregretful]

SR replays to himself:

" I really just want to die. I mean, can you imagine my poor girlfriend? Her boyfriend may have gotten off looking at kids before? Really? Oh my God....when will I just die?"

What would it mean, or happen SR, if you didn't keep-on dramatizing to yourself,

for yourself, how awful you think you 'were?' (with the notion of 'dying'?)

Sissa,

Why don't you think it was awful? Because that is what I am having a hard time with.....I think it is the most horrible thing I could do.

[Musicman]

Musicman,

If I tell her and she leaves....I will have no one. Add to that the fact that this could get back to the board of education. I don't think they would look to kindly on this, do you? Telling somebody means losing everything, including my job. I mean, do you really know what is at stake here?

SR, with all do respect, do YOU know what is at stake here? You're own happiness is at stake.

Admittedly, I don't know anything about the board of education, but can they do anything to you without any solid proof? You've never touched a child, and you've never looked at anything illegal.

SR, don't you have your parents' support? I can't believe that your girlfriend is your ONLY support...

[IrmaJean]

Sissa,

I think it is the most horrible thing I could do.

Do you really believe that? How would it serve you for any of us to believe it?

[Musicman]

IrmaJean is absolutely correct. I have a hard time believing that you've convinced yourself that this is the worst thing you could have done. There are so many worse things you could have done.

[soregretful]

SR, with all do respect, do YOU know what is at stake here? You're own happiness is at stake.

Admittedly, I don't know anything about the board of education, but can they do anything to you without any solid proof? You've never touched a child, and you've never looked at anything illegal.

SR, don't you have your parents' support? I can't believe that your girlfriend is your ONLY support...

MM,

The thing is telling her won't make me any happier. I don't know what to do.

[soregretful]

IrmaJean is absolutely correct. I have a hard time believing that you've convinced yourself that this is the worst thing you could have done. There are so many worse things you could have done.

No, I would never do anything worse....this is the WORST thing that "I" could have done.

[Musicman]

The thing is telling her won't make me any happier. I don't know what to do.

Telling her may not make you happier, but it will take some stress off of you. You won't have to cover up for what you did. You'll have someone else to stand by you in your crisis.

I hope I'm not getting to personal here, but do you become aroused by your girlfriend? You admitted that if you were to be intimate with her, you'd feel a bit better. SR, why don't you? You're in a relationship where your girlfriend is the only one capable of expressing love. You want to love her, and that's why you've remained with her, but until you can honestly express your love, I doubt your relationship will go anywhere. Hell, she's said that she wants to have children with you! If that's not love, what is?

[soregretful]

Telling her may not make you happier, but it will take some stress off of you. You won't have to cover up for what you did. You'll have someone else to stand by you in your crisis.

I hope I'm not getting to personal here, but do you become aroused by your girlfriend? You admitted that if you were to be intimate with her, you'd feel a bit better. SR, why don't you? You're in a relationship where your girlfriend is the only one capable of expressing love. You want to love her, and that's why you've remained with her, but until you can honestly express your love, I doubt your relationship will go anywhere. Hell, she's said that she wants to have children with you! If that's not love, what is?

I don't know, MM. I am almost to afraid to take the risk to find out. If I tell her, I could lose so much. She is not the only one capable of expressing love. Do you know how weird it would be to think that I looked at kids and maybe got off while trying to do the same with her? It makes no sense...the pieces don't fit. The stupid thing is, I have used plenty of normal things to stimulate myself, a lot of them in the very recent past.

[Musicman]

SR, I'm not saying that you should just go and tell her now. While there can be great results, I admit that there could also be disaster. My suggestions were more to get you thinking. At some point, you will have to tell what's been going on. The only alternative I see is if you left her, or she left you. Either way, your situation would be just as bad as if you admitted your mistake and she left.

All my love,

MM

[Sissagwaad]

Sissa,

Why don't you think it was awful? Because that is what I am having a hard time with.....I think it is the most horrible thing I could do.

How is it, or could it be, useful to think 'it was awful?'

[Guest ASchwartz]

SR,

I will try one more time.

1) "You don't care what others think." Fine. But, you should care about what you do. What you have control over. It's not about what others think but about an atmosphere you create around yourself. You don't care what others think. But can't you see? Can't you understand? You caused them to have those thoughts. You caused them to have those thoughts by the way you express yourself on this issue. This has to do with being a more effective communicator. Don't you want that? This is not about them. Its abut you. Its about influencing people in a way that you can get the things you want.

2) Don't you want to learn how to reduce and control an obsession? Your problem has to do with obsessional thinking. If it was not this particular issue, it would be something else because you are plagued by obsession thinking. My guess is that is why it is so hard for you to understand what I am saying. You are seeing my words, not my meaning. Again, you focus on the content, not the process. No one can forget an obsession. What they can do is refocus their attention away from it. The pupose of learning how to refocus thinking is to get control over obsessing.

Finally, this is my last try on this thread. Perhaps others can see what I am trying to help you understand. I feel there is nothing else I can do, especially if you just cannot see the meaning of what I am saying. So, I will not participate on this particular thread. I will be here in the forum and I will respond to other issues that people bring up and I will respond to you if you want my input on something but, with regard to this particular problem that is plaguing your life, there is nothing more I can say. If you finally get what I am saying, then I will respond to you on this but only if you want my input.

Allan

[Sissagwaad]

I hear your frustration Allan.

Perhaps i could add, as far as motivational-value: (re what's in it for SR, when you wrote:)

"No one can forget an obsession."

"What they can do is refocus their attention away from it."

"The pupose of learning how to refocus thinking"

"is to get control over obsessing."......

(and the purpose of 'getting control of ones thinking', or obsessions,...

is to discover the pleasure of and the freedom of 'being in control.')

(rather than pretending to be as a relatively mindless puppet, with no control)

(how's that for bluntness?)