What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[soregretful]

How is actual therapy supposed to make me feel better? I don't get it! How is talking about what I did supposed to make it go away? Everyone tells me check into a hospital...I wouldn't think twice about it if I thought it would help. Bottom line is, no matter what, I am going to think about this every day the rest of my life and it sucks. Just throwing this out there...what if I did go to a hospital...what would they do? No one can take back what I did, so what is this therapy going to help? It's like everyone is telling me to take care of myself...I think I did that when I looked at this stuff. I am such an idiot for having done this. Even though nothing was illegal, and I literally have shared with you the two sites I feel the most horrible about visiting! What would it help to go to a hospital? Really? I would be there if I thought for a minute it would help me!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hospital - place designed to keep you alive and assist you in suicidal crisis, help adjust medication and provide immediate help.

Therapy - place to talk about your emotional wellbeing and develop strategies to enhance it.

The reason you think about this everyday is that you feel very guilty. If you didn't feel very guilty it wouldn't have the same meaning to you. If it had a different meaning, you wouldn't think about it every day. If you didn't think about it every day, you'd feel better. Or maybe it works differently. Talking is only half of the conversation, though, and your therapist will know more about how it's supposed to work once she has a proper picture.

[Sissagwaad]

How is actual therapy supposed to make me feel better? I don't get it! How is talking about what I did supposed to make it go away? Everyone tells me check into a hospital...I wouldn't think twice about it if I thought it would help. Bottom line is, no matter what, I am going to think about this every day the rest of my life and it sucks. Just throwing this out there...what if I did go to a hospital...what would they do? No one can take back what I did, so what is this therapy going to help? It's like everyone is telling me to take care of myself...I think I did that when I looked at this stuff. I am such an idiot for having done this. Even though nothing was illegal, and I literally have shared with you the two sites I feel the most horrible about visiting! What would it help to go to a hospital? Really? I would be there if I thought for a minute it would help me!

it doesn't sound like, and i'm only guessing, you have yet to 'study' what you've been introduced to. Is there a benefit from delaying studying that we're not aware of?

ps 'everyone' was not 'telling you' to do anything. That my friend is ALL you.

Simply your interpretation, for your reasons, based on beliefs you are holding.

They were, out of goodness and caring, simply suggesting consideration of,

(and this was from their own fear/concern)(you my friend, i salute in being your own best expert.

We each and all are free, free to hold onto whatever beliefs, judgements, views, of what the world and in particular our world is like and about.

Our emotional experience, comes as a direct result of the quality of beliefs we hold onto. Therefore, it behoves everyone, to explore the beliefs that one may be holding onto, as to whether they are still doing one good, supporting happiness and joy, or???? not......and consider, in our freedom, whether these beliefs, picked up along the way on our path, we want to invite to stay, or leave, (with gratitude, for possibly been of assistance previously)

Talk, particularly towards uncovering our self-talk, whether it is of service, or hindrance, is what effective talk-therapy/dialogue is about.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Sorgretful,

I have a couple of points to make:

1. You state that the hospital cannot help. You say it as a question: How can it possibly help? I hear that in a certain way. What I hear is, "I won't let the hospital help." The reason for the hospital being suggested to you is that you are threatening suicide. The hospital can make you safe before you hurt youself. That brings to the next point:

2. You do not seem to be aware that the things you are saying here can hurt other community members. How? You are not only threatening suicide but, you state that you have a plan!! Don't you realize that this is a trigger for other people who struggle with deep depression right here in our community? You say that you don't want to hurt anyone but my fear is that you are. Not intentionally and that is why I am pointing this out to you. I know its not on purpose but you need to be aware. Also, if you have a suicide plan then you need to get to the hospital.

3. You keep going 'round and 'round with this guilt thing. I told you before, that, by continuously saying you are guilty but never did anything, by constantly repeating this, you cause people to doubt you and you cause all of us to start to think, "Well, gee, maybe he did do something. Maybe he feels guilty because he did molest those boys. Maybe he is still molesting those boys?" It's human nature for people to start to believe something if it's repeated enough times. You day you don't want people to believe this and you state that you did not hurt anyone but people are starting to doubt you.

4. You repeatedly present the same problem and upset the community because anyting anyone says to you is immediately rejected by you. In other words, you create an atmosphere that has a problem with no solution. As a result, people are again triggered and are triggered by feeling enormous frustration. To make it worse, you now tell us you have stopped taking your medication.

You state that boundaries are not the issue for you, but, they are for us. Your behavior is starting to cross the boundaries of many people here through your triggering them with your theats of suicide and with your impied notion that you are a pedophile. I am not saying you are, just that you make it feel that way and that crosses emotional boundaries here.

You must get yourself together here. You must get a grip on yourself so that others are not triggered. You must tell your psychiatrist what is going on with you and, yes, you may even need to go to the hospital if you are suicidal.

Bottom line here: Stop your provocative behavior.

Allan

[soregretful]

OK,

This is one of those situations where I always lose. I AM TELLING EVERYONE THE COMPLETE TRUTH! The fact you may be entertaining the notion I hurt anyone really saddens me.

I am only telling you what REALLY HAPPENED and how I REALLY feel because I do need help. In presenting the dillemma, I am not trying to cover up for something worse.

I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I am being told, and this is not the first time, that I do not want or will not accept help. Why the heck would I be telling a bunch of strangers about these websites and humiliating myself over and over then? Would I construe this story to cover up the fact I did do something to a kid? I mean, why would I do that? Why would I go on the internet and look for websites that back up what I am saying if it weren't true? If for a minute I molested anyone, do you think I would let myself live? I mean, really, I am feeling this crappy over speedos and the Chippendiddys which was on the internet. Do you think that if I even touched a kid or looked at him crossly that I would be allowing myself one seccond of further life? NO! I WOULD NEVER WILL NEVER WOULD NOT EVER THINK ABOUT HURTING A KID!!! My God....I am a teacher. Why would I ever do this? In all honesty, I came on here looking for someone who maybe had gotten through a similar problem. That anyone is entertaining the idea that I have done worse is maddening. You know what, shame on you if you are. I have been completely up front and honest with EVERYONE thinking that it may facilitate an answer.

It is like I came on here for the help with this one problem....the internet guilt. ONE! Now since I have posted here, I am being told I am pushing other people over the edge and that I crossed boundaries. So, now I have three things to feel crappy about.

I say this with the gentlest love. I DID NOT HURT A KID! I have told you everything that is bothering me and even given you specific websites because that is the extent of what happened.

I feel bad if I may be pushing people over the edge, Allan, but at the same time, I want help with this problem, I do not need to feel bad about anything else. If all I am doing is making things worse for everyone, then I guess my whole visit here has been counterproductive and only made things worse for everyone else. So, I guess it is best I consider getting off. I feel bad enough that I looked at only and exactly what I have told you. I do not need the pressure that others are going to take their life because of some things I said.

It just hurts that people may be thinking I did anything worse than I did. Do you know how much it pains me to tell you EXACTLY what happened? I really didn't even need to bring the boys into this problem, I only did because I was in a pretty deep depression prior to this. The only reason I did bring them up is because I thought maybe depression triggered this and someone had some insight. Since I have brought them up, I have felt like a boundary crossing pervert. And like I said yesterday, boundary crossing is not the issue I came on here to get help with. This thread is called "What do I do?", not "What Shouldn't I Have Done?" I really don't find in productive to talk about boundaries, because that this not the issue I am having the problem with. I came on here to get help with the guilt I feel about these websites, and that is all.

If it is best for everyone, I will bow out, because it seems like all I do anymore is piss people off and cause harm. Shoot, I don't need anymore guilt on my hands than I already have for looking AT WEBSITES!!!!! Not molesting anyone, not crossing boundaries, nothing. I am having a hard time believing that anyone could think I would make this up to cover up something worse! If I am just bringing everyone down in my attempt to get help with this issue, let me know, and I will bow out as soon as you give me the green light. I don't want anyone's life on my hands, for God's sake.

[soregretful]

The reason you think about this everyday is that you feel very guilty. If you didn't feel very guilty it wouldn't have the same meaning to you. If it had a different meaning, you wouldn't think about it every day. If you didn't think about it every day, you'd feel better. Or maybe it works differently. Talking is only half of the conversation, though, and your therapist will know more about how it's supposed to work once she has a proper picture.

This is, in black and white, the best understanding of what I have laid out to everyone. I did not hurt anyone and I don't have any feelings of remorse for having hugged or cuddled the kids. If I am feeling aroused by them, then of course I am backing off a little. I don't even feel worthy to be around them anymore because what I looked at could have been them. SoO, I think that this is the issue I came on here to get help with. I need to find a way to not think about this all the time. It is a complete guilt complex with websites. Thank you for seeing what I need help with!

[Sissagwaad]

I, for me, am sooo thrilled you have your head around this, rather clearly.

(so, perhaps you can acknowledge, 'talking about things' might actually lead you to re-evaluate the beliefs supporting the habits, supporting the flavor of ones emotional experience?) hugs bw

This is, in black and white, the best understanding of what I have laid out to everyone. I did not hurt anyone and I don't have any feelings of remorse for having hugged or cuddled the kids. If I am feeling aroused by them, then of course I am backing off a little. I don't even feel worthy to be around them anymore because what I looked at could have been them. SoO, I think that this is the issue I came on here to get help with. I need to find a way to not think about this all the time. It is a complete guilt complex with websites. Thank you for seeing what I need help with!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I've always suspected that I don't have a human nature. I suppose now it's official. That's fine. I guess denigrating people is also human nature, so who'd want one.

[soregretful]

That is all I want.....a way to not have my butt kicked by this every day. Thoughts

[Sissagwaad]

I've always suspected that I don't have a human nature. I suppose now it's official. That's fine. I guess denigrating people is also human nature, so who'd want one.

I'm feeling kinda dumb, and blank on your post above soO. not aware of anyone ragging on you particularly

[Musicman]

SR, as I've been catching myself on what's been posted here over the last day, I was going to tell SoO that he hit the nail right on the head. I'm glad you agree with him. Furthermore, I'm glad that you posted a grinning face in your last message. This must be the first time you've done this.

The truth is that therapy can help you, even if you don't immediately see how. It can persuade you to change your way of thinking. It may convince you to say, "What I did was bad, but not the end of the world."

By the way, your confusing a hospital and therapy. A hospital is there to prevent you from harming yourself. It is only meant to be a last resort.

[soregretful]

And that is what kills me....that I even did it. That is the end of the world to me.

[Musicman]

And that is what kills me....that I even did it. That is the end of the world to me.

Let's not revert to where we were earlier. You were on the right track. Just try and stay positive and see where therapy takes you.

[Sissagwaad]

Hey, its allright sr, you don't have to feel bad, even if you did or didn't send along a 'happy face" Fact is you didn't. Musicman thought it was your comments he was replying to, but it seems it was mine...(with the happy face)

This must be so very confusing for you sr, and difficult, having to keep yourself in check, because being happy, forgiving, and living for the present, just isn't something you figure you deserve, right?

Just the idea of letting go, and going on, without ongoing punishment, just doesn't seem to sit well with or agree with your sensibilities.

Every puzzle is solveable, without any need to trash the pieces.

Wishing you wellness, bw

[Musicman]

Sissa, SR did use a "smiley" when he said I need to find a way to not think about this all the time. It is a complete guilt complex with websites. Thank you for seeing what I need help with! ."

SR, I'm not meaning to imply that you're now coming across as happy. I know you're hurting, and I'd like to do whatever I possibly can to help. All I'm implying with the "smiley" line is that you seemed to have gained something out of SoO's post. If you can read a post and say, "Maybe he's right," or "Maybe he has a valid point," you've taken a good first step in getting better.

[soregretful]

All I know is I was the idiot who looked at this stuff. No one made me so how should I treat myself? Who else do I have to blame?

[Sissagwaad]

All I know is I was the idiot who looked at this stuff. No one made me so how should I treat myself? Who else do I have to blame?

Since when has 'blame' any value or importance?

You did what you did, its over, so what?

You could value and appreciate that 'its over,' in the past, and get on respecting the big gift staring you in the face, yah that one, its not called 'the present' without reason.

Think about it, and learn to respect and to value it.

That is the short and the long of it my friend.

You are free to treat yourself any way you prefer. (how should i treat myself, you asked)

Simply practice, and learn the habit of focusing on 'wants' vs not wants, and things that just plain happened, and that is that.

What can you change? Not the event certainly. But you do have the power, and the responsibility to determine what you do about it NOW, and how you live NOW.

Does it not make sense to look to, and to turn to valuing and appreciating your now's, without perverting them with irrational wishful thinking, oh, if only this or if only that, hadn't happened, etc etc. Get over it......or not, its entirely up to you.

you can either value what you've got, or complain and belly ache about what you don't. Attitude is everything.

[Musicman]

You can also take some happiness in the fact that whatever you did never turned into a habit or way of life. You stopped whatever you were doing and prevented something terrible. You hurt now, but if you give therapy a chance, I think you'll see it helps.

[Guest ASchwartz]

SR,

You responded to only one of the issues I presented to you. You ignored the others and they are here in quotes. You do not seem to be aware if the impact you are having on others. You say you want help but you reject anything that is said to you and you go on and on with the same thing "like a broken record" that cannot or will not get out of the groove. This is frustrating and for many of our members.

Second, it is not simply "me" who is questioning whether or not you had hurt children. I told you earlier and I told you in this post that, the more and more someone says something others start to believe them. You repeat endlessly and with monotony about how all you did was view kids in speedos and never hurt anyone. Added to that you talk about those two boys. What do you expect will happen when you behave this way? It is not that "I" become suspicious, it is that many become suspicious.

In other words, you take no responsibility for creating this atmosphere of suspicion.

This is what you wrote:

This is one of those situations where I always lose. I AM TELLING EVERYONE THE COMPLETE TRUTH! The fact you may be entertaining the notion I hurt anyone really saddens me.

You always lose? You make this happen and, evidently, its not the first time because its one of those places where you always lose.

In other words, the issue is not that others get the wrong idea but that YOU create that idea.

This "saddens" you? To repeat, you seem to have no idea of the impact you are having on many others.

Allan

[Sissagwaad]

You can also take some happiness in the fact that whatever you did never turned into a habit or way of life. You stopped whatever you were doing and prevented something terrible. You hurt now, but if you give therapy a chance, I think you'll see it helps.

---------------------------

Like musicman suggests: you, like everyone, have choices, always.

One can choose to, or not........focus on or take from situations such as yours, 'some happiness", and something to value, or appreciate.

You experience what you experience, either hurt or pleasure/joy/happiness, by choice.

Each of us has a hand in createing how we 'do ourselves,' in the company of our 'present.'

The question of the moment, is always, what will you choose to aim yourself towards?

This is a large part, to me, of what we are here for, as spirits, having a 'human experience.' To be open, to learn....and, to learn to Love.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I'm sure Allan could say something more after my fancy, if his focus wasn’t the interests of "many others".

SR, I believe that you could benefit from being more listening and responsive to suggestions, especially if you feel it's going similar ways in therapy. After all, to find out if something works for you, you will have to try it and nobody else can tell you the exact outcome beforehand, because everyone finds different things helpful. Similarily, you can't dismiss all things before you've tried them, when you don't think they will help enough, because maybe they do. Sometimes when you hit a wall a lot, there might be better chances to walk around than through it, on your own way. Maybe there is not one right way.

I don’t think this makes you responsible for other peoples ideas and frustration, though. Can saying you're no pedophile make people wonder why you say that often? Yes, it can. It might be good to keep in this mind.

Is it your responsibility if they draw the wrong conclusions? No, it's not. People can’t chicken out of the responsibility for their own conclusions. If an accused in court says too often that he's innocent, does that mean it’s his fault when he’s found guilty, because he „put the idea into their heads“? „He said it so often that it became suspicious“? I heard a lot of silly things about american courts, but that isn't one of them.

I believe it’s obvious enough that SR is in a similarly accused position because of his guilt feelings and that’s why he behaves that way. However, if it is more in peoples interest to ignore that dynamic, there is nothing I can do about it.

SR, I hope you can make the therapy work for you and find some relief.

Take care,

S.

[Musicman]

I couldn't agree more with what SoO just said.

[Sissagwaad]

me too, 4 thumbs up

[soregretful]

SR,

You responded to only one of the issues I presented to you. You ignored the others and they are here in quotes. You do not seem to be aware if the impact you are having on others. You say you want help but you reject anything that is said to you and you go on and on with the same thing "like a broken record" that cannot or will not get out of the groove. This is frustrating and for many of our members.

Second, it is not simply "me" who is questioning whether or not you had hurt children. I told you earlier and I told you in this post that, the more and more someone says something others start to believe them. You repeat endlessly and with monotony about how all you did was view kids in speedos and never hurt anyone. Added to that you talk about those two boys. What do you expect will happen when you behave this way? It is not that "I" become suspicious, it is that many become suspicious.

In other words, you take no responsibility for creating this atmosphere of suspicion.

This is what you wrote:

You always lose? You make this happen and, evidently, its not the first time because its one of those places where you always lose.

In other words, the issue is not that others get the wrong idea but that YOU create that idea.

This "saddens" you? To repeat, you seem to have no idea of the impact you are having on many others.

Allan

Allan,

As far as I can tell on these posts, you ARE the only one questioning if I hurt children. You are the only one that has had the audacity to even suggest that I have....I have reviewed the posts...ONLY YOU even bring this to mind. How dare you! Are you my other therapist or something? Yeah, to the best of my knowledge, it is only ASchwartz that even remotely thinks I hurt anyone. That is the only mention of me hurting children that I can find.

I say this a lot because it is the complete and honest truth. When you say you are looking out for the best interests of everyone, over and over, insistently, do I question you? Do I say that you are creating an atmosphere of distrust. Al, I can not believe that you are even suggesting this. You are making me feel worse than ever! Do you want me to give you the boys contact info and you can call and ask if they were abused? How dare you even suggest it!

Secondly, I told everyone what sites I looked at! Why do you question my inetegrity on this? Why do you insist that I am covering something up? That is ONLY YOU ALLAN! I am sickened that you, who are supposed to be helping me, even put that idea out there. Yeah, I keep saying the same thing over and over because it is the absolute truth!!! Why you would warp that in any other direction is beyond me. That is absolutely unhelpful, and if you want to say anything like that, than don't bother.

Also, I can not be responsible for the reactions to my posts. Don't try to hand that guilt on me. And last, what advice have I rejected? I am going to CBT therapy because of this thread. I am trying to find an idea to get past this using information from my discussions in this thread. Allan, I don't even know you, but for you to think that I have hurt children....that is pretty low. You don't know me at all. Why you insist of bending my truth really baffles me. I told everyone the sites even, so you could see what I am feeling bad about. That is it completely! I am not BSing you, I am not lying, I am not trying to cover something up. To me Allan, it is only you that thinks I am. Maybe other people think that I am too, but to my knowledge you are the only one who has come out and said it. I only mention the boys, like I say, because their perceived absence in my life percipitated itself in a great depression right before this. Like I said, you say you are trying to help people all the time, does this mean you are covering up for something and really aren't?

I have been more than completely honest with everyone in an effort to get help. Since this thread, I have been told I have overstepped boundaries, made other suicidal people trigger, and now you are just about accusing me of abusing children. When does it friggin end? I CAME ON HERE TO GET HELP WITH THE GUILT I AM FEELING FOR LOOKING AT WEBSITES!!! THAT IS ALL I EVER CAME ON HERE TO DO!!!! If you want to make suggestions, that is your business! How dare you though!

[danni]

SR...

There are actually several members who are having the difficullties that Allen writes about. Each moderator has gotten up to several PM's describing their concern and feellings.

As moderators we need to weigh situations carefully and try to respond in a way that's best for the community as a whole. I believe that is why Allen brought these things to your attention.

Please take a little time to think about how your behavior affects others. We are a community. We care about each other and want to make sure all who come here feel safe. So we all need to do our best to use actions and words that do not hurt others. I do not think you intentionally did this SR. But, it was brought to your attention that your actions had that result. We would hope that you also care enough about the members of this community to adjust your behavior so that this doesn't happen.