notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) *********** Edited July 16, 2010 by notmary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 How old were you, Mary?Could a child that age really have stopped what happened?You're able to talk to me, right now.That means he's not actually there. You're alone, at your computer.That means you're safe.And it means that you don't have to listen to his voice telling you lies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 oh mary, I'm so sorry you are hurting:(How long will you be alone this evening, dear one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) **************** Edited July 16, 2010 by notmary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) ********** Edited July 16, 2010 by notmary I can't leave these because Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 Oh dear mary that trauma is just so very painful... I am so sorry:(You hurt terribly right now. We are here with you, you do not need to draw any conclusions at all.... you just really hurt, and I hurt with you:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 You're incredibly strong, Mary: you survived it, and you're still here.Some people don't survive it. They let it kill them, one way or another.You're not nothing: you're here.I know it's incredibly painful. Of course you're sad and scared; you were just a child. That was not how you should have been treated.But he's gone, and you're here. Keep fighting, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 thank you for being here with me. i am not worth it but i thank you anyway so i can get my mind away from him. i need to be ok for my family when they get here. they need a mom and i need to be here for them. i need to find my mask and be okay again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 real pieces of you are filling in, mary. You really are making progress. I know it feels like you have to pretend, but you really are on the path of healing. I'm so sorry it has to hurt sometimes:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 You know, I would think they would also want the opportunity to prove to you that you're not nothing.You're their wife and mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 thank you. i dont know why this happens but when it does i am in it. I can't leave it and watch it like I used to... now i am in it. i am pretty sure that i am losing my mind and one step away from the final break with reality. Thank you for being with me tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 you are at the core of your trauma when this happens lately, and YES in those times you need help!!! You are doing so well with reaching out for what you need. The good news is, since this core is finally expressing itself, it can finally heal:o. Keep reaching for what you need dear one.... : ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 I see it as closer to healing, too.Make sure you keep your therapist apprised, though, too.Perhaps he/she can help you with emergency coping ideas.And keep reaching out when you need it. We do care about you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 Family is home now. I thank you for helping me put me bact together again. I know that my therapist needs to return but I am ashamed to tell her the way I am falling apart. I will try to be with my children and husband and I will try to sleep. I hope the nightmares stay away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 Notmary,I am distressed that you deleted your messages. I am not able to follow up on your story and, therefore, limited in what I can say. Why did you delete?Again, your therapist is there for you, now and when he/she returns. Everyone goes through ups and downs in therapy and your having a hard time right now is nothing to be ashamed of.We are here for you.Allan:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 I deleted my messages because they were written when I was locked in my memories. They left me feeling very vunerable and unsafe and humiliated. I just couldn't leave them there. I appreciate the care, concern, and help that I have been given and I am sorry that I couldn't keep them there. I am sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 That's ok mary!! This thread is totally for you and for your healing. You are learning what you need, and that is what we want for you too. We just want you to know we are not ashamed of you here, and not ashamed of what you write. We do hurt for you though:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 Really missing my therapist and feeling alone. It is amazing to feel lonely when surrounded by people. Last night left me feeling beaten and no sleep to be had last night. Oh well...just needed to connect and say it out loud--I am hurting and sad and afraid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 Thank you for saying it out loud, Mary.We hear you, and we're with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 Hi mary:)I have to step out but I will be back to check... do you have anything that works as a thought stopper action plan? do you like movies? They would work as a distraction. Affirmations would work as a direct approach to your troubling thoughts.back soon, mary.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 I am on my way out with the husband. I think that my only distraction for me tonight will be a bottle of wine so that I can pretend to be my charming self. Don't know if I can pull it off, but gotta give it a try. HOw did I become so dependent on my therapist? What do I do to get through this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 I know you haven't shared the source of your troubles with your family, Mary, but is there any way you can lean on them for support, without having to discuss why? Just maybe ... get an extra hug, or something, if that would help? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 you are giving the you that went through the trauma what she has needed all these years... adult help in your most wounded moments. In this place you are that young one frozen in terror, and you need to feel the help of others in this place. Does that explain your feelings of dependency? Your healing is happening, you are more and more able to let help in when you reexperience your terror. This will gradually lead to feeling less alone and conflicted about yourself. You will not need to pull apart from you in time... you will have the help you need.For now, sift through some affirmations maybe, to find the one that works this week?"I am hurting and sad and afraid. I do not need to judge myself for this, I am just hurting and sad and afraid. I have people that know my past and people that don't know of my past, and in both groups people care about me. I am learning how to care for me too. I am hurting and sad and afraid, and I have value." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danni Posted July 17, 2010 Report Share Posted July 17, 2010 hello Mary,I'd like to pick up a couple conversations we started awhile ago. One of them is when we talked about meds. You said you tried them and thought they helped at the time but then got very afraid that it would make you like your mom and unavailable to your own kids. I completely understand that fear for it is a valid one. I also want you to know that predetors find a way to abuse children. I work with them and I too was abused by family members. My parents were not on medication and it still happened.I also want to let you know that the medications used now are VERY different than the ones that were available when your mom was taking them. It's a fear that you should discuss with your doctor for they can help find a med that will work for you and that you are comfortable taking. You call the shots here!! I just really think it can help you. I took them too when I was at the worst of my flashbacks. I was not in a fog, I was never out of control, but it did make the memories and especially the nightmares more managable. Feel free to PM if you'd like to discuss this more. I'm not trying to talk you in or out of anything but I really do want you to know that it will be completely different than how it was with your mom. I also want to know if you'd thought any more about an action plan with thought stoppers? Have you thought about having a written physical list of things that work to distract you during those times that you can go to? So, rather than having to think about what you can do during those times, you can grab your list and go down the list one by one until you find one that works to get you through that particular memory. The list will evolve as you find things that work better than others but it is very helpful to get the brain engaged without having to take that extra step of trying to think of something when you're already overwhelmed by the memory. What do you think???? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted July 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2010 (edited) My husband and children are terrific, Mark, and I can always get am extra hug whem needed ... at least from the non teenage members! I don't like that I haven't shared this with my husband but right now I can't and I can't imagine there ever being a time when I can. I am too ashamed and feel very dishonest about many things.Finding you probably are right about feeling so dependent. I am waiting for my therapist to throw me out... to tell me that I am crazy and too needy and too disgusting to help. I try to never be dependent on someone else and here I have walked right into this relationship.I like the affirmation. I like that it is more specific than my usual "breathe, you are ok." I will try to make that my mantra for now. Generally the more I try to calm myself, the louder "his voice" becomes. I think I will write it down and carry it in my pocket.Danni, I can't do the medicine right now. I just cant. I have to be here for my kids. I know too well that abuse can happen in many places but I can't give up this control. Everything you said makes sense on a cognitive level but... I can't give it up. I have had many discussions with my therapist about this very topic. Please understand.I have been working on the action plan. It is hard to think of things that calm me as it seems that the memories are coming at me in a variety of places and times. It does help me to have physical contact... a hug or a hold a hand... Also if I can do something to work up a sweat like crazy dancing to the radio. Along the same vein is singing to the radio... loudly and badly. Trying to breathe slowly while looking at pictures of the ocean and listening to ocean sounds, calling a friend, can calm me down as well. And bing able to connect with people on this forum helps too.I am sorry for the long post. I feel lucky to have found such kind, caring people in you. Edited July 17, 2010 by notmary homonyms... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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