memories

[Endlessnight]

I couldn't sleep last night, thoughts and feelings of the girl were too much. I was remembering her when she was shut up for hours, and days alone in a room. She had no one to talk to, no tv, phone or anything to keep her company. She used to cry and scream and walk about the room from one wall to the next, banging her head against the wall. I know she wants to escape but I don't know how to let her, how to give her the freedom she wants.

I want her to die. I want to have peace inside of me, not pain and anger. I want my father, I want to hit him over and over and over until he tells me why. I want my damn life back.

[devils daughter]

I’m new here, compared to you all, so I feel a little awkward breaking into an ongoing conversation among friends. But the internet community is a new medium, too, so maybe the social rules are still being formed.

An identity can emerge, even late it life. I’ve been working with a therapist who specializes in trauma and dissociative disorders for more than 18 months and in the last 2 weeks I have had such an experience.

It’s somewhat poignant, given all the years she wasn’t here. And I’ve still got more pain and anger than peace. Still. . .

Would you like me to tell you something about it? I'll be gone most of today but will check back tonight.

[IrmaJean]

M, I hear you. There was a time when I was so frustrated and angry with the vulnerable parts of myself, that I wished the same. It was then that a friend reminded me that my vulnerability was also what enabled me to love so tenderly. I'm not sure if you can erase the past, but I do believe you can find peace with it. I am sorry for your anger and pain. I do think all of us need to learn how to take care of ourselves when we have these kinds of feelings. I struggle some with the angry parts of me too. You aren't alone in this. I know now that taking care of me means finding balance with all of me. It means listening to my own hurt and accepting my anger sometimes too. It means embracing my vulnerability. It means respecting myself. You can do this, M. How can you take steps to find peace with the past? What steps can you take now to take care of the parts of you that hurt? I hope you feel better.

DD, I think it's great that we have new members of the community offering their support and perspective. Happy to have you here with us.

[Endlessnight]

Hello DD. Thank you for taking the time to write in response to my post, and no it isn't private. I would like to hear more when you have time to write about it.

IJ I know the girl is still in pain but I don't know how to help her! That's what's frustrating me. How do I find peace....I wish I knew. I don't even know how to be gentle with myself - what does that mean? Just once in my life I would like someone to put their arms around me and tell me it's going to be okay, that i'm not a bad person, not stupid, not useless. My life has been a waste of 55 years.

[frazzled1]

Endless I would like to share some awful things that have happened to me.

As a child I was sexually abused by people I trusted, even a reverand friend of the family. I woke one night to catch a peek at my mother having sex with 2 teenaged boys. I was sexually, physically, and verbally abused by my first husband. Then I lost custody of my children to him because of money.

These are just things that have happened to me. They are not me and I did nothing wrong. I guess I am a little religious when it comes to these things because I have asked forgiveness and prayed for the souls of those who committed these acts against me. I am by no means perfect and I have done bad things in my life for which I hoped (and most of the time I was) to be forgiven. My children have also helped. Parenting is a complete experiment and when we mess up our children forgive us and forgive us and forgive us until they become adults and lose the capacity.

As an adult I had to address the anger I felt toward myself and others for letting these things happen. I have become perhaps a little too logical and practical but I know that people good or bad do not sit around consciously wondering how they can mess up a life (their own or someone elses). We all have thoughts and feelings and they are not all the same. The people who did these things to me were ill and not thinking clearly. A sane and healthy person would never hurt a child and their actions are theirs to live with or die with and answer for not mine.

I hope this has helped some.

[IrmaJean]

IJ I know the girl is still in pain but I don't know how to help her!

How would you help another girl in pain? Would you offer her comfort, support, nuturance?

I don't even know how to be gentle with myself - what does that mean?

You know how to be gentle with others. It means you treat yourself in the same way you would another person who was hurting. It means you try listening to your feelings' date=' lessening self-judgment, comforting the parts that hurt, and offering yourself encouragement.

Recently, I've been having a family situation that has been causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. When I look at my behaviors, I can see some things I've been doing that aren't actually helping me in this situation. Such as being fearful of confronting conflict, being too fearful of saying no, avoiding negativity etc. etc. Now how do I want to look at this situation? I might begin harshly criticizing myself or seeing myself as weak. I might have knocked myself down in the past. I think now I am more understanding with myself. Asserting myself and protecting my needs and space are very challenging things for me. So now my inner voice says: It's okay to feel afraid sometimes. I can still do this. It's okay to stand up for myself. It's good to protect myself. It's okay to feel anger. It's okay to express anger. Expressing anger doesn't hurt others when I am respectful. Does this help any? I have changed my inner dialogue and how I talk to and treat myself. I still have my moments, but this is really making a difference for me and continues to do so.

Just once in my life I would like someone to put their arms around me and tell me it's going to be okay' date=' that i'm not a bad person, not stupid, not useless. My life has been a waste of 55 years.[/quote']

M, I would certainly do that if my arms were long enough to reach you. (((((M))))) It's going to be okay. You are not a bad person. You're an intelligent and good person.

Can you do that for yourself? It's okay to comfort you.

[devils daughter]

Hi Endless,

I had a sponsor in my support group (maybe not what you think, it is just for general emotional health) and when I told her I thought I was bad she always said definitively, “You’re not bad.” I couldn’t disagree with the lack of doubt in her voice and it always comforted me. Even when I didn’t actually believe her in my mind.

So I’d like to play it forward. You are not bad, you are not stupid, you are not useless. Your life has not been a waste for 55 years.

I have posted about the recent emergence of a sense of self to my personal blog. Maybe it will help, maybe not. It belongs on a blog more than on this thread.

Seeing the quote from Mother Theresa which you always include on your posts has been a wonderful experience for me. I got myself into a great deal of trouble trying to help my dad when he was declining. He wasn’t an entirely great guy and we hadn’t had the best relationship in the world. According to the death certificate the contributing cause to his death was “failure to thrive” syndrome. I had seen it coming and tried to do something about it. I failed. I’m not sorry I tried.

[Endlessnight]

Frazzled, I am so sorry for the terrible things you suffered through. The fact that you seem to have been able to come through them, and become a better person is testament to what a strong, good, person you are. Thank you for telling me about your pain. It gives me hope that I might be able to overcome my past also.

Beth, thank you for taking the time to comfort me even though you are going through some hard times right now yourself.

Asserting myself and protecting my needs and space are very challenging things for me.

For me too. In the past whenever I asserted myself or stood up for myself I was knocked down. I got knocked down so many times that I completely lost the sense of control that a person needs over their own life to be able to function. I guess it's part of why I don't even know who I am really. I feel like a nobody. There has never been anyone I could depend on or turn to when I was being abused and when I was being knocked down, so inside I am still a lost child in a lot of pain unable to grow up. I am able to be gentle with others and to show them care, but I can't with myself.

Beth....thank you for your hugs. I know if you could you would comfort me in person. (((((hugs)))))) to you always my dear.

DD, I wish so much there were some kind of support group I could join. I think the face to face, or at least the real time ability to talk to someone about things would help so much.,

According to the death certificate the contributing cause to his death was “failure to thrive” syndrome. I had seen it coming and tried to do something about it. I failed. I’m not sorry I tried.

I don't think you failed, I think you are wonderful for doing what you did. I am going to check your blog now.

It never ceases to amaze me how many wonderful, caring, strong and incredible people there are on this forum. All of you are hurting in one way or another, yet still you reach out to others. May God bless you all. Take care everyone. (((((((((hugs)))))))))

[frazzled1]

Endless you are a lovely person and DD so are you (read the blog, very nice) and so is Irma and sweetsue and lana and so many others here too numerous to name. I am sorry for the child that suffered those things too Endless but that child is gone and as such I am not going to spend my adulthood dwelling on the things that happened to her. Today is a gift, that is why it is called the present. The child's present is gone and what remains is my own and I will embrace and appreciate it as such. The Earth turns some 17 miles a minute. My childhood was over 20 years worth of minutes ago. I have come a long way. I hope you can too:)

Love and ((((hugs)))) to you all

[devils daughter]

Endless, the support group is tonight. I'll take you with me mentally. Who knows? Maybe it will help.

[Endlessnight]

Frazzled, thank you for your kind words. I hope I can let go of my past too.

DD, how did it go?

[devils daughter]

Endless,

The support group was good, as usual. The topic for our meeting was, vaguely: spirituality -- what gets you through the day? One lady talked about her dogs and I talked about my cats and working in my yard. Some folks talked about their relationship with God.

I kept you in my mind but didn’t tell the other folks you were “there”.

I have read some of your previous posts and blogs – there are quite a few and I haven’t gotten through all of them yet. I know you can’t assert yourself with your brother, but you can and do with the rest of the world. It may have come up on one of the threads I haven’t read yet, but have you ever thought of writing a book about your experiences? Yours is a unique point of view which I think would have some benefit here in the West. And perhaps it could help bridge some of the distrust that exists between the two cultures?

[Endlessnight]

This post is to get rid of the 666 number of posts i've made, but I also want to say to you DD that I've often thought of writing a book but I can never stick with anything. I have the attention span of a gnat (assuming a gnat even has an attention span).

(((((hugs))))) to all.

[devils daughter]

Maybe after the allergy treatments? Could be they will clear up sinuses as well as asthma? OK, I know, maybe a little too much polly-anna-ism here on my part. But I can wish. ((((hugs))))

[Endlessnight]

I don't know how I am going to survive the next few months until my niece gets married - there is just too much stuff going on that is upsetting me and it's causing me so much stress I feel I might have a stroke. Already i've been doubling my nightly dose of Seroquel to help me sleep and I think I might have to double my morning dose of Prozac to help me get through all this. I feel overwhelmed and have a huge knot in my stomach all the time and my chest feels tight and as though there is a weight on it all the time. I feel as though i can't breathe. Everything is out of control.

Edited April 20, 2012 by Endlessnight

[IrmaJean]

I hate that tight feeling in the chest. Anxiety is very difficult to deal with, M. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Can you find the time to do something relaxing for yourself away from all of this? Maybe listen to some soothing music or meditate? Would talking more about your concerns help at all? We are here listening. I hope that you are able to find some serenity today. Take gentle care of you.

[Endlessnight]

Doing something for myself won't help because I can't escape these feelings that are overwhelming me. I've been feeling like this for some time now but it keeps getting worse and worse. It's not just my niece's wedding it's many things and I can't even talk about it, I don't know how to put it into words - I feel I will go crazy. I want to scream.

[IrmaJean]

M, I can sense your stress and anxiety. I'm sorry this is happening. Does breathing help, sitting with your feelings? What if you think of some imagery? One that I use sometimes is imagining myself in a bubble floating freely in the air. There I can find a moment of stillness when life becomes too overwhelming. I don't know what might work for you. What has helped in the past?

[Endlessnight]

Beth your gentle words helped me calm down a little yesterday, thank you.

Today I feel the anxiety starting again, I feel as though things are spiralling out of control and I can't stop it from happening. I can't even say what those 'things' are - it's many many little things and a general feeling that something bad will happen. I can't keep doubling my med dosage because though it helps me sleep I wake up and don't remember if i've brushed my teeth or combed my hair i'm in such a fog. I wish there were somewhere I could go to get away from everything but I know that won't solve the problems I feel are all coming to a head. I want to hide under my bed and not come out - I know that's childish, I must learn to face things as an adult but i'm so afraid.

[nathan]

quote weak people becuase your weak

[IrmaJean]

I hope we can all be supportive of one another.

M, I'm checking in briefly on my work break, but wanted you to know I'm listening and thinking of you. I hope today is less stressful for you.

[Catmom]

Already i've been doubling my nightly dose of Seroquel to help me sleep and I think I might have to double my morning dose of Prozac to help me get through all this.

Hi -

I don't come to this site often but want you to know that my heart goes out to you. As a healthcare professional, I feel compelled to remind you that taking more of your meds without your doctor's approval is playing with fire.

I totally understand wanting relief at any price but please listen to Irma Jean's advice and use more natural methods (e.g. deep breathing, meditation, yoga, etc) to soothe yourself. You will get through this and be the stronger for it. Please don't hurt yourself in your wish to escape the pain you are in.

***HUGS***

Catmom

[Endlessnight]

Beth thank you for taking the time to offer me kindness even from work. It means a lot to me.

I am feeling a little better today but I know it won't last - everything will come rushing back and I'll feel trapped again.

Catmom though I haven't seen or talked to him recently, the pdoc told me previously that I could double my dose of meds when I felt I needed it, for a short period of time. Though I know it's not really a solution I guess being in a fog is better than feeling like I can't breathe all the time. Thank you for your understanding and concern.

((((((hugs)))))) to you both.

[Endlessnight]

I have an urgent question that I hope someone can help me with. Since yesterday afternoon I have had a kind of 'smoke' across my right eye. It came suddenly from nowhere and it's still on my eye today. Could it be caused by any of my meds like the Cymbalta or the Lamictal? It says that 'blurred vision' is a possible side effect, but my vision isn't really blurred - it's more like a black mist floating across my eye. I'm finding it hard to read anything because of it.

And if not does anyone know what it could be? I hope it will go away because I just can't take one more health problem. I'm broke.

Edited May 18, 2012 by Endlessnight

[IrmaJean]

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer to your question, M, but I do hope you will contact your doctor and ask him about it. Sounds very distressful and worrisome! ((((Hugs))))