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About this blog

I have found blogging to be useful to me in the past. I get to write what I would write in a journal; anonymous people get to read and comment; everyone is happy.

Entries in this blog

Escalation

I discovered this morning that she removed a bunch of my clothes from the closet. I had to wear yesterday's pants to work. It's like she's daring me to escalate. Yet I keep caving in.
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Support Does Help

I managed to talk to a co-worker in private (my direct supervisor, in fact) about my situation, yesterday. I was surprised how much it helped; I had been worried about embarrassment, speaking to a non-therapist in person like that. It was fairly short-lived, and after all, only I can do anything about the situation, and only I am refusing to. But it did make me feel better.
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Anxiety Rising

I'm having to make an increasing effort the past two days or so to keep the anxiety at bay. I've managed it mostly by just distracting myself, like reading something escapist. But the worst time is between when I wake up, too early at about 5:30, and stay in bed until after 7:00. During that time, I go from afraid to get up, hiding in bed, to afraid not to go to work, and getting up and leaving. This greatly contributes to the feeling that I have no spare time at home.
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Power Play

Well, my wife has set herself up in the basement as if it were a separate apartment. She took down everything she thinks of as hers (basically, anything significant which she has purchased since our marriage, despite all our finances being joint) and put out things that she doesn't want that are mine. One cat ("hers") lives in there with her, and the other one, which I owned when we got married, is forbidden from visiting "common areas" unless I'm there to supervise and clean after it. She ca
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Unrecognized Fear

I just realized how much fear I've been hiding from myself, recently. I think that's a big part of what's been fueling my depression and self-hate, at least in the last few months. In a way, I'm glad to recognize it. It can also have a snowball effect if I dwell on it, though. I guess I have to accept the fear and verify it against reality, and change the things that are real that I have power over. Logical, isn't it?
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Statements to Self

1. I am valuable, and deserve to take care of myself by eating and drinking right, keeping myself clean, and allowing myself to sleep comfortably. 2. I do not deserve to be put down, whether it's by me or by others. If it happens anyway, I do not have to agree with the insult by taking it in. I am not perfect, but change can be requested without insult. 3. I am afraid, but that does not have to rule me. I will survive despite my fears. 4. I have a right to speak up when I am being hurt. It m
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Define 'home'

Had to work late last night. It just emphasized how home's only purpose is as a place to sleep, these days. I don't even eat meals there. I'm not eager to go home tonight, and there's nowhere else to go. And then there's the weekend alone with her, the caustic tongue having shifted to stony silence lately, sleeping separately. I spent last weekend in bed, hiding, not eating or drinking. What will I do this time?
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The Good Stuff

As inspired by AndreaB, I'm making a second post today to make a list of good things about myself: I'm intelligent, with a good memory. I'm polite. I try to take care of others, especially children. I'm detail-oriented. I'm in good health. I guess I'll have to add to this over time, somehow.
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Too Much Focus

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard ... For instance, I come here, constantly querying for some change in the board. Now, there are lots of people here with serious problems, and if I can do something to help, then great. But in many ways, focusing on their and my own problems is helping to distract me from my own solutions. The same is true for all the time I spend worrying about things when I'm not here. It's not helping. I need to just do stuff. Be happy now instead of worrying how
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Power Game

Well, I began an angry open post, then scrapped it. After all, what can anyone tell me that actually helps? That I have a right to be angry, that she was wrong, that only I can do something about it ... and I know all that. It would just be textual yelling about something that no one here is responsible for. Text is no substitute for an inarticulate scream, not that I would be willing to try one.
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An entry for today

What can I say about today? I'm mostly trying to put it back together after the weekend (again). Trying to stop worrying and bothering what I can't change at the moment; to stop fearing that I don't exist or won't, shortly; basically to just stop and breathe. I went to work. I'll go home. I'll sleep alone again, probably, and not be bothered. I may stop at the library on the way home, although that means about 45 minutes of walking instead of a bus, because that will take my mind off thing
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Convinced?

I think I understand the source of my suicidal feelings, now. After a barrage of her talk, I end up at least momentarily convinced that I don't exist at all without the relationship. Not necessarily because she says any such thing directly. It's more that having sat still listening to it, usually for hours, I've proved that I already believe it! If I thought I had any existence at all outside the marriage, I wouldn't be taking this. I'd be making that existence happen. But the experience o
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Guilting the lily

Well, the past few days have been a bit rocky for me, keeping myself in suspense about what I'm going to do while enduring the usual input from outside. Honesty has been a recurring theme: how much do I owe her, or do I owe it to myself, regardless of the trouble it would cause. And do I have the guts? See, the problem I have dealing with her input is that I tend to see some way in which she could be correct. For instance, even if she accuses me of something I'm not doing, the fact that I am
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Dithering

I'm concerned that I'm using this site as a distraction from action, rather than as a spur to it.
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Conflict

Well, still no progress on making progress. My half-brother tells me "the conflict is all in your own mind", and he's right. All the roadblocks are ones I've thrown up myself. I guess you could look at it as a prolonged relapse, instead of never having started, if you squint hard enough ... Anyway, Yappy Who Near or Nappy You Hear, whichever you prefer.
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Abuse transference?

I've had several realizations recently. First, I realized that the reason that I did not react when my wife first began verbally abusing me is that I was already used to hearing the same stuff from myself. Although the words were different, the tone was familiar. Second, I realize now that I seem to have reduced the amount of that negative self-talk. I think it's because, in my naturally passive way, I just started to let her do it, instead of doing it myself. The third one is the funny one.
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Learning

Well, I feel like doing a retrospective of this year. It seems I've learned a thing or two, at least. This time last year, I left home after an argument half-dressed and with only suicide or hospital as options. Obviously, I chose the latter. That didn't stop the suicidal thoughts, but in a way, it did stop the actions. The next thing I learned (partly from other patients) is to let go. There is so much about other people that I will never be able to change. My old logic said that if I just
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My dad

I talked to my dad today; first time since Mom died. Before that, it was two months, and before that, probably over a year. My dad was born in Eastern Scotland, adopted son of a coal miner just before the Depression. He was illegitimate and was abused physically and emotionally because of that. He eventually married my mother, after her divorce left her with my then-seven-year-old half-brother. About eight years later, my "accidental" birth, and that of my younger brother a year later, follo
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Changes of Direction

Well, I decided not to do the hospital post, not because of worries about triggering people, but just ... because. This mirrors a trend with me (I almost said "lately", but the reality is that it has been much longer.) For instance, a day or two ago, I resolved to change the direct deposit of my paycheck, leave my wife, and go live in a motel. Didn't happen. Why? Things didn't really change for the better. About all that happened was that enough time passed that I quit thinking about it. Is
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Could someone define 'trigger' for me?

Not the simple meaning; I know what it means. But defining what falls into that category and what doesn't isn't simple. For instance, I had intended to post (well, blog really) about my hospital stay last New Year's. I was going to describe some of the events there, most of which I would not have called disturbing, but ... How do I guess what would disturb others? Especially people with less pleasant memories of their own experiences? And, does warning me somehow absolve me of responsibilit
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Distracted

My thoughts are a bit diffuse today. Between the potential for layoff, without any certainty, the medication(s) questions, upcoming vacation, how to respond to people Here, a possible excess of coffee and general discontent, you can see my problem. "Simplify!" Meh. It's too complicated to.
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Fleak Buture

(I have a love of Spoonerisms, don't mind me.) Well, that stink of layoff we've been smelling for a few days seems to have come true. But! They still won't say who or when. Idiots.
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My Wife

Yeah, I know, I'm blaming her and not focusing on myself, but it's my blog. My wife is a narcissist, in the psychiatric sense. Lord no, she'd never seek such a diagnosis. But I need to say out loud just what I have to deal with. Narcissists act proud, but basically, they are the opposite. Something in her past (and I have been given some hints on what, perhaps) made her very afraid, unable to control her own safety. So, she craves control. She belittles others, especially those around her w
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Issues?

Yes, you can rest assured that I have "issues"; that's why I'm here. But my issues don't extend to deliberately trying to hurt others. Myself, maybe. Even so, only in ways you can't see.
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Censorship (Self-)

I censor myself on many levels. People rarely see what I think of as the "real me". Okay, I know, trite, but stay with me. The most visible level, on a site like this, is the fact that I don't use a spell-checker, and I write in complete sentences. Not "incomplete sentences"; I checked. :-) Anyway, this little editor stays busy while I type, which I can do fairly rapidly after a year-long class in high school. It serves me well as a professional typist, that is to say, as a software engine
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