Jump to content
Mental Support Community
  • entries
    309
  • comments
    2,103
  • views
    5,001

About this blog

I have found blogging to be useful to me in the past. I get to write what I would write in a journal; anonymous people get to read and comment; everyone is happy.

Entries in this blog

Fear is a Four-Letter Word

I realized clearly this morning: I'm afraid. I'm sort of on the border between my old life and a new one. Well, not on the border, exactly. The border seems to me to be a broad, uninhabitable strip between my dark lonely past and current life, and the sunny green fields of my future. I'm hovering just inside the old life, looking across at the life I've always dreamed of. And I'm afraid. Even though I feel strongly that fear won't be needed in that sunny new life, that any trouble I might e
malign

malign

6

Postage Due

Okay, then. After a long break that included a little foray into story-telling, I think it's time I come clean with you all. Life sucks. Okay, probably only at the moment, but I'd be lying to you if I said it differently. My wife has been writing me e-mails, combining hints of wanting to finalize a divorce settlement, with abusive little asides about me and my family. This is the perfect combination to drive me crazy, which her unerring instincts can somehow understand, despite the difficulty
malign

malign

13

The Fairy Godfather, part 4 [reprinted]

The fairy godfather returned to where he had left Sulking Sue, carrying the flint and tinder he had recovered from the ogre for her. She jumped up joyfully and took them from him. Unwilling to wait any longer, she crouched down, put the tinder between her feet, and struck the two flints together until a bright Spark of Life flew into the kindling and ignited it. Guarding the tiny flame jealously in her hands, she used it to light the lantern she carried. Closing the door carefully, she looked up
malign

malign

2

The Fairy Godfather, part 3 [reprinted]

Having thought long and hard about what to do with the ogre, and not having come up with anything even remotely believable, the fairy godfather knew there was just one thing to do: wing it. So he clicked the ruby slippers together and set off to find the ogre. Luckily, we get to skip the search, since it was long and arduous and other good dictionary words. After a while, though, he saw the ogre's head through the trees. The ogre was crouched over some dry bushes, cracking his stolen flints toge
malign

malign

1

The Fairy Godfather, part 2 [reprinted]

Things were going well for our fairy godfather, when, one day, he met Sulking Sue. He tried, as he had with so many others before her, to take away her sadness with a wave of his wand. But! Some of her sadness remained. He asked her, "Why are you still sad, Sue?" She said, "I'm afraid it's a long story, kind sir, do you have time?" He said, "No, it's no problem, there would have been a huge gap right here if you didn't have a story to tell ..." "May I, then?" she cut him off. "Certainly," he mut
malign

malign

0

The Fairy Godfather, part 1 [reprinted]

In honor of Sulking Sue and the Four Smileys, a fairy tale of sorts: Once upon a time, there was a fairy godfather. Yes, godfather. No, not the Mafia kind. Do you want a story or not? Okay, then ... He was just an ordinary guy, really. They hadn't even trained him. One day, a pair of ruby slippers and a wand appeared in the mailbox; no note, nothing. After debating how his hairy calves would look sticking out of hard red pumps, he tried them on, and what a thrill it was! Not only did his legs lo
malign

malign

0

Pause

Well, I recently passed a kind of semi-anniversary, I guess. It was six months on August 25th that I've been separated from my wife. What a mind-expanding and life-altering time it's been. No, not fun. There are still things that are out of balance. I have no living room furniture, still, for instance. Sure, money's tight, but that's not really the reason. I think I'm afraid to settle in because I see this place as temporary. I just don't know for sure what's next. But, and I do think it'
malign

malign

9

Peace

You know, amid the swirl and pain of this place, there's also a peace. Someone coming back and laughing with you, after you spent an evening talking them out of their depression. Someone learning to talk, after a lifetime enduring in silence. Someone turning from acrimony and debate to reach out a hand to someone, instead. The grief and horrors, the pain, the despair and the anger, they all pass. The peace is what remains. I wish you all peace, today and every day.
malign

malign

11

Blogging 101

Well, I don't have anything major for today, but it's my 101st blog entry. So I thought I would use the opportunity to promote the concept of blogging. I find it useful in a couple of ways. First, it helps you vent stuff in a slightly less public way than posting in a forum. There, it's almost like a request for a response. Here, even if you allow comments, they're more ... conversational. Second, it gives you a single place to go back to, to see what was happening to you weeks or months in t
malign

malign

36

Another pair of days at the end of a week

Ah well, me and weekends. We do not get along. I start out with a big buildup. By Friday, I had made plans to call a friend Saturday night, to take my Dad to his church on Sunday, and to meet with my wife for the first time in a couple of weeks later that afternoon. For Saturday, I was thinking about a day-trip to go bird-watching. I even set my clock to wake me up early. Plans like that always decay on me. First, I decide not to wake up so early. Then I wake up and have breakfast, and lie
malign

malign

5

What's in a name?

One of my friends here told me that she hates her real name, because it's "too common", so she wants to change it to something unique. This made me a bit sad, because I see it working the other way around. My own name is Mark, but it's my middle name. My parents decided early on not to use my first name, Alexander, mostly because they couldn't decide what nickname to call me. I didn't say it was a good reason, ;-) but I've always been called Mark as a result. This didn't sit well with my wi
malign

malign

19

Partial Continuation

Well, I know I left y'all hanging a little bit last time. That was partly because I didn't know very much more than what I wrote: decisions made in the past weren't standing up to the changes going on inside me. I'm afraid that to some extent, your disappointment will have to continue, since a complete set of answers has not yet presented itself. ;-) In some sense, that's okay: I don't expect a full set of answers to life's questions until it's finally over. I would rather like to know wha
malign

malign

6

Out the window

Wow, I thought I had everything straight, about what I wanted out of the divorce. We were going to try to fix up the house, gradually, and try to sell it as the market improved. There was no hurry; where was I going to go, anyway? Hah. That's all out the window, now. (Okay, this is short because of the time. I'll ponder on it some more tomorrow.)
malign

malign

3

Surprise

Yep, it's an early entry into the old bloggy; I realized I forgot yesterday. I may be a bit busier over the next two days at work. I'm trying to get Monday off so I can have a long weekend. In fact, I'm really excited about going somewhere this weekend, but it's a secret where. Yes, I know; this is just going to get me besieged with questions, but my seals are lipped. Yes, even if you tickle me. Perhaps I'm just trying to get tickled. But I'm in a bit of a whirl, trying to get everything s
malign

malign

50

Getting the Right Brain

I just wanted to inform you all that I think 'finding my way' is contagious. No, not swine flu. She has been teaching me to draw, indirectly, using a book called "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain". It's fascinating. Not all of the author's theories, necessarily. I think those are mostly given so that adult readers will suspend disbelief long enough to try the exercises. I, for one, went into this denying that I had any skill at all at drawing. I've tried, half-heartedly, on my own, an
malign

malign

67

Like a banana

"Time flies like the wind, But fruit flies like a banana." Another week has passed. Most of it, I spent online having fun when I was supposed to be working. Good thing I fake it well. Having so much fun, in fact, that at times, I barely had time to post a snatch of something to my old friend bloggy. So, time for some reflection. What have I learned recently? I'm a good person. It's getting to the point where I don't even need people to tell me. It's nice if they do, of course, but I no lon
malign

malign

18

Visiting my dad

Well, it's been a busy social week for me, hasn't it? Tonight, I arranged to drop by my dad's retirement-home apartment for an hour or so, before I go home. I can tell he's been lonely, recently, and I don't call him nearly often enough ... Meh. I have guilt, but that's not why I'm going. I do enjoy getting to talk with him, and lord knows the time is limited. There are just a few awkward moments, because he refuses to stimulate himself much at all, any more. No reading (he used to read all
malign

malign

3

Hurry up and wait

Meh, another hurried entry. But I did promise myself. So, I'm running off to have dinner with my wife and her (our) son. It's her birthday, and he's treating. I'm going mostly to see him (I haven't since the split in February), and a little bit to keep the peace going between her and me. Not because I really care that she's a year older ... And I'm afraid I'm letting her manipulate me again; that she's got some kind of plan to get back together; that she's managed to come full circle from ki
malign

malign

8

Growth

Well, that word, "growth", always makes me think of my evil twin sister, maligNancy ... But it's the good kind that's happening to me. It just seems to be taking its sweet time. I went out to the Go club last night, and that was fine, but when I got home, I was too wired to want to sleep. So anyway, I shot all my good intentions from (just yesterday?), stayed in bed and ran out without a shower, and still have to stay late at work. But it won't defeat me. I'll go right back to my Tai Ch'i to
malign

malign

2

Quick one

Well, it's been a busy day online here, and I'm late getting this posted. So, just a quickie: Over the weekend, I re-dedicated to taking care of myself, keeping clean, doing my Tai Ch'i and meditation, and getting up at a regular time. I solved, or at least alleviated, one financial issue that came up, with the help of my wife, which was fairly nice of her. And I had an instructive encounter with my anxieties. Late this afternoon, I got a call from my manager, could I come to his office for a m
malign

malign

4

To resume

Yes, I've decided to resume my (almost) daily blog entries. I think I got a bit embarrassed to not be making continuous progress, especially if people I cared about became worried if I was having a bad day. But I'll just have to help them get through their fears, because the exercise of doing this helps me when I do it, and it helps me when I go back later to look at where I've been. What I've been struck by, in the past week or so, is a sudden rush of feelings of all sorts. It's as if the wa
malign

malign

1

Farce-sickle

Recently, my life has been resembling a romantic farce on a grand scale. I've been meeting with my wife once or twice a week to discuss the issues remaining for the separation and eventual divorce. Many of these talks side-track into emotional issues, inevitably. With a little distance, we've even been able to talk about these things in an approximately civilized way. That's good, right? One of the issues we've had to decide is whether I'm going to drop the divorce court case that I started s
malign

malign

1

Vacation

Oh, yeah, so no one worries: I'll be off the computer 'til Tuesday, for the Fourth of July holiday. I promise to read everything y'all write when I get back, only, maybe slowly. So take it easy, or I'll have too much reading to do. :-)
malign

malign

5

Emo

I hate that word, "emo", or rather the feeling that goes with it, that it's somehow bad to feel. Or to let others see you do it. But I'm sorry, part of me has bought into it: I try not to talk about my own problems, until they get so bad that what I do write sounds like a fish flopping around in distress. *Groucho Marx voice* "And it's tough getting a fish into dis dress, lemme tell ya!" I need to paint a mustache over my mustache, like he did, and get a cigar. Maybe somebody would pay me t
malign

malign

18

Challenged

I'm so tired. I can fight off panic attacks; I know what they are and what to do about them. But you still feel the edges of them, and it is a fight, and there's nowhere to go to get away from them. I need the world to go away. I pray I don't get forced to make it go away.
malign

malign

7
×
×
  • Create New...