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About this blog

I have found blogging to be useful to me in the past. I get to write what I would write in a journal; anonymous people get to read and comment; everyone is happy.

Entries in this blog

Meeting's Over

Okay, my long meeting is over, so I can think about thinking, again. Code reviews deserve to be taken seriously, so it's hard to understand what happens, when we have them. People think it odd that I make more than half the comments in a room full of people ... And it is odd: where are they? :-) Anyway ... I think I will use this space, today, to make a list of things to do for the coming weekend and week. 1. Vacuum, clean, and wash the Volvo. 2. Virginia state income tax (due last week). 3
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Regression Upon the Mean?

Well, I don't have as elegant a piece of writing as yesterday, nor quite as hopeful ... I've noticed some tendency, today, to hide away, possibly in reaction to the rather adventurous philosophy of yesterday's post. It's one thing for me to say "live for the moment", but there's still quite a bit of resistance to doing it. I guess it's no surprise that change doesn't happen overnight. And by no means is yesterday the first time I've ever had the idea of being less restricted. It just complete
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Who Is Really Helpless?

Once, when I was six, I got lost. My parents, my brother, and I were walking slowly down a street full of small stores, in a foreign country, window shopping. I paid too much attention to one window, and when I looked up, my family were gone. I assumed that they had gone on ahead, so I hurried off down the street. I looked in all the stores as I went, but couldn't find them. Each time, I moved faster, still feeling like I was being left behind. Eventually, I started crying, and someone sto
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8

Uncertainly

Well, I've put the best effort I can into the bills, for now. Paid most, deferred a couple due on the 15th, made plans to have lunch with Dad on Sunday. Hopefully, that effort will free me to do something fun over the weekend. So many of my friends suffering, right now, and so little that anyone can do for them, really. My heart goes out to them, without necessarily having any solutions on hand. I guess I'm not really sure what I have to say, today. I feel okay; who knows, maybe I feel a li
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2

Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

Alrighty then. It's time for me to say something in here, again. I'm a little annoyed. I'm going to have to ask my Dad for a loan, at least until the Feds send me my refund. I guess a loan isn't so bad ... I just would rather be able to manage my own finances. I'm getting a bit old for a bailout, and I'm not yet "too big to fail". But it's making me procrastinate on paying bills, too, which does no one any good. All it'll get me is late fees. It makes no sense to be increasing the amounts
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The Princess Who Thought She Was a Monster

Yet another Fairy Godfather story, this one dedicated especially to my girls, with all my love. The Princess Who Thought She Was a Monster Once upon a time, there was a princess who thought she was a monster. She looked like an ordinary princess, with long wavy red hair and a complexion to match. No, not a wavy red complexion; the clear pale skin of a natural redhead. But whenever she looked in a mirror, what she saw was something hideous and evil. The princess's name was Rosebud, but most
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Yet another fried day

Well, another work week has ended. With the absolute minimum amount of work. It's the strangest thing; some people are busy, and my entire tasking for the week has been to attend two meetings. There might be non-personal, political reasons for that, but it doesn't help my self-image in any way. It's to the point that I spend my time thinking up other things I can do, on top of my site monitoring. For some reason, I haven't felt like writing any fiction in a while, but that might happen. I fe
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4

Freak-uency

Ah well {that was for smallstar}, I realized that I've been neglecting my old friend bloggy, as well as the communications channel to my friends (and my self), so I'm going to make a bit more of an effort in this direction, at least for a while {I try to be as honest as I can be, when I do blog. ;-) } Yesterday, I felt like I was at a standstill, and then ... I had car trouble on my commute home, including a "Service Engine" light. And when I got home, there was a notice on the other car (that'
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9

Dissatisfaction

Well, as I've intimated or openly stated to several people, today, I'm feeling a bit cranky. {Interesting that I know so many people well enough, now, to have had that opportunity/need.} I'm just impatient, I guess; dissatisfied with my progress. I feel like so many things are exactly the same as this time last year: my job, my daily life, even my divorce. Now, there are some things that have changed, drastically, and for the better ... but in some ways, those only emphasize, for me, the th
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20

The Gardener

Well, it's not a fairy tale, but it popped into my head almost fully formed. I woke up on Tuesday morning, telling myself the story. I hope you enjoy it. The Gardener There's something that watches me from the woods behind my house. I've peered into the dark shadows between the trees, but of course, I've never caught a glimpse of it. I can feel that it's there, though; not threatening, at all, just watching. I'm out back tending my garden a lot, these days, since I retired. I like being
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31

Random Entry

Hello, all. I know that I have a tendency not to post in this thing unless I have something profound to shovel, I mean, say. However, I have decided, tonight, to break with that trend. Things are going okay, and I'm (relatively) happy, and I have no particularly philosophical thoughts to impart. That said, I know there are one or two or many people out there suffering, some of whom I've talked to today, and others I've missed talking to. I wish I could take away all suffering, or lacking that
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11

Divided

Yet again, I'm glad I'm not a house, because according to Lincoln, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." And yet, I can still get up and reach the bathroom ... I have all these goals, and they're all reachable. Get up at a regular time. Get some exercise in the morning. Do something productive (and work-related) when I'm at work. Try to do at least a little bit from my To-do list each day. But every day, I find a way not to do any of that. I give myself permission to sleep late in
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3

Soaring

I had a conversation yesterday with a friend in which we discussed the idea of flying a small plane as a metaphor for life. I thought about it a bit more afterwards, and I'd like to share what came to me. I had the thought that flying a glider might be the closest that a person could come to the Taoist idea of how to live your life. You don't have any power except your initial height and speed, your weight, and the natural lift of your wings. Now, you could easily sit back and do nothing excep
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6

Random Items of Note

The therapist that I tried before has offered me an evening appointment on March 10th, and of course, I snapped it up. Nice of her to keep me in mind. My wife left me an emotional message yesterday, filling the two minute cell phone message time slot, basically to say how sorry she was about the pain she caused me, and indicating how willing she is to work with me on the settlement, although by the end of the message she was already hedging it to "as long as it's in both of our interests" ... I
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5

Independence Day

Well, yet another anniversary to celebrate! This time, it's been a year now since my wife had me escorted from our home by police. I wrote about it at the time, as well. So, what's life like a year later, you ask? Well, obviously, there are benefits. No one subjects me to long lectures about how useless I am, or humiliates me in front of the kids or outsiders. I no longer fear that someone will sell or donate my things to charity while I'm at work. I'm not afraid in my own home any more. Un
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2

Lobster

I had a dream last week that I thought I would share. I dreamed of a lobster. What an adaptation! Covered in armor, armed with large claws, you have very few natural enemies. You're free to grow almost as big as you'd like. You eat anything you can catch, and no one bothers you. I say "almost" as big as you want because the armor itself imposes a limit to the size of the animal. You see, the weight of the armor increases with the surface area of the animal, but muscle strength only increase
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10

Up Date

Well, it's been a while ... I was feeling pretty low last week. Very behind at work, with several other things hanging over my head, and no viable therapy option. The year anniversary of my separation is this week, and the wife was offering to meet yet again on the financial issues. I have to decide how to file for divorce soon. By the middle of the week, I was losing sleep and just generally not functioning well. Well, that couldn't last. I worked enough to catch up. I spent 9 1/2 hours o
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12

Missed

Well. I had an appointment for 3:30 this afternoon with my therapist. I had to cancel, and I'm pretty angry. But ... I need to be honest. I made the appointment last Wednesday evening, at the last session. But I never did get a chance (that is, never made a chance) to tell anyone at work that I needed time off. Then, Friday morning, we got an e-mail detailing a new work assignment that was due at the end of the day Monday. The problem was that the content of the assignment made me angry, so
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5

Thera-quickie

Hello all; it's been a long day, with another promised for tomorrow, but ... I thought I'd share what happened in therapy. As I had expected, it took very little time to feel comfortable with the lady again; we'd been working together about two years when we stopped, eight years ago. It helped that she still works out of the same office, and the same decor. I found my eye straying back to pictures I'd stared at for long periods without ever seeing. We touched on the highlights of my marriage
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3

Getting Help!

Well, I forgot to publish the follow-up to my recent post, in which I was wondering whether I would ever make a therapy appointment. Um, I made one the next day ... For tomorrow evening. :-) It's with the therapist I was seeing when I met my future wife; I feel like there's some closure needed there, whether or not it develops into my next therapy (there are scheduling issues for longer term, with her, which were part of what was holding me back.) It also helps that she knows some of my histo
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10

Peekaboo!

Yes, well, I finally changed my profile picture to one that's less scary, if not by much. He's still a Demented Bunny, but the ears are smaller. And this time, it's really me. I hope you'll pardon the angle; it was meant to keep the glare off my glasses, but instead gives you an impressive view of my expansive scalp. Anyway, laugh, cry, or recoil in horror -- that's me. So, I've been planning for the weekend, and so far, it looks pretty good. Nice weather for Saturday, and a trip somewhere.
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Getting Help?

Well, I'm trying to get myself to seek help, find a therapist. And I think I'm wearing out my support system with my reluctance. I was in therapy when I met my future wife, back in 2001. I was also taking anti-depressants, at the time, though I was having trouble finding one that worked well for me. My future, now soon-to-be-ex-, wife felt like I was involving the therapist in my decision-making about the relationship, and basically, forced me to choose between them. She also had objections
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2

Off to get the car

Well, the first major chore that I started, last week, is nearly over: I get the car back tonight. It's going to cost a bit, but I guess it's not an unreasonable amount, given how poorly I maintain it and how hard I use it. I'll be glad to be rid of the rental; I started to worry I'd dent it, I've had it so long. I just hope this clears the decks for me to worry about the next thing. I have a tendency to hang up on things that aren't complete, and with the number of things I have started an
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3

Never (or at least Rarely) Satisfied

For a long time, I used to dread the weekends. On weekdays, at least I had the need to go to work to get me out of bed, whether late or not. At least I'd be up, so that I might do something in the evening before heading home. It was the weekends that were hard. I'd stay in bed until mid-afternoon, because what did I have to get up for anyway? I'd do my laundry and my groceries and not much else, spread over two days. What's amusing is how radically the feeling has changed, after only one good
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3

N Tree

{Now that I've made an N Tree in my blog ...} Well, the weekend was quite an improvement. Although I didn't really take much time to go have fun, I did get quite a few small things done each day, which made me feel better. I took the time to do some light clothes shopping, which is normally difficult for me to find the will to do. The problem I found was, in the picturesque and highly irritating language of modern management, it was mostly the "low-hanging fruit", the easier things that didn't
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