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About this blog

I have found blogging to be useful to me in the past. I get to write what I would write in a journal; anonymous people get to read and comment; everyone is happy.

Entries in this blog

Swervy

Can't think of a better word for it ... All day, I've had alternating periods of my "down" self, not wanting to bother, and my "up" self, just doing what's needed as a matter of course. It's a bit like "rapid-cycling", only not ... I think it's more a thought process, and those I have control over. It may even be a good sign, that the "down" doesn't last. It may be telling me that it's time I made a choice. {Plus, I had to make an entry, or AndreaB's going to pass me easily.} :-)
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Nothing is forever

Well, I know I shook some people up, yesterday, with that picture of my grumpy standing-still self. Yeah, I still have off-days ... Today was a bit better. With some encouragement from a fish, I made an appointment to get my car fixed tomorrow, and went ahead and made some of the phone calls I've been putting off. There's more to do, but there's movement. I know I seem relentlessly positive, but that's because people need to hear that. I can't maintain that, continuously, for myself yet. An
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Shoulds

I should really get my car fixed. I should really get myself fixed. I should really do some work. I should really pay some bills. I should really be more careful what I say. I should really get rid of the wife. I should really do something fun. I probably won't.
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Post #1000

Well, when I noticed it approaching, I thought I might make a special thread to commemorate my 1,000th post. So much time, so many pains and joys and people to help; I sorta felt like I ought to do something special. But I have been busy just doing the work, and when someone needed a response, today, I just went ahead and supplied one, and didn't notice until later that it was the one. Yet, it's probably just another lesson: it's not the milestones, it's all the miles in between. That's how
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5

Call it a beginning

Well, okay, last day of the year. I went into it with some irritation. So many dangling loose ends, so many things not completed that I feel should have been. Nothing like a deadline to remind you of how late you are. But then I reflected on a passage I read from the book 365 Tao, that I bought shortly after I was on my own again. It has a short meditative reading for each day of the year, and I've been following along, well, pretty religiously. The thing is, there is a recurrent theme in Tao
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Hindsight

Well, I did a recap of the year, last year, so it makes sense to compare it with this year. Having realized how much I wanted out of my marriage, but not having yet gathered the will to do something about it, I fell into a fairly deep depression at the beginning of this year. We began sleeping apart, and we had some trouble with financial issues (I had given her control of all the money, some time back, and she didn't feel it necessary to spend any of it on feeding me.) Amusingly, although I re
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The Fairy Godfather Breaks In

Once upon a time, there was a fairy godfather. He was just an ordinary guy like you or me (if you're a guy, and relatively ordinary, at least by some definition, no matter how broad), but one day he received a pair of ruby slippers and a wand in the mail. With the slippers on, he could fly, and when he waved the wand, he could make people happy. So he decided to become a free-lance fairy godfather. This is one of his stories. One day at the beginning of the Winter Festival, as he was flying
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Comments for Fairy Godfather versus Himself

All - I set the new story up so that comments are moderated (I get to approve them before they post). That's so that I can write the story all in one place. This thread is here specifically for any comments people want to make; that way, I can keep the story all in one piece, but still allow comments. Fire away.
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The Fairy Godfather versus ... Himself

Once upon a time, there was a man who became a fairy godfather. For those who haven't heard of him yet, he was just an ordinary guy until the day when a pair of ruby slippers and a wand arrived in the mail. Although there was no manual to tell him how to use them, he eventually found that the slippers allowed him to fly, and the wand made people happy, when he swished it properly. Since making people happy seemed like a pretty cool way to spend his time, he set off to see what adventures were
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Bumper Sticker

I pulled up next to a guy in traffic this morning who had a bumper sticker that said: "HA HA, Your behind me again!" exactly like that. I desperately wished I could make a sign that said, "Maybe so, but I can spell. Which of these skills is more important?"
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A Group-Participation Fairy Tale

A couple of us had an idea to try writing a fairy tale, but in an unconventional way: each person who comments adds a paragraph, and we try to see where the story decides to go. "I wrote a story 'bout it. Wanna hear it? Here it goes." A Fairy Tale in Multiple Voices Once upon a time, in a land far, far away ... there was a little girl with a serious problem: everything she did turned out badly. Not just a little bit badly, either. It was as if somebody followed her around and made everythi
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Seen on a Friday

As I parked in the work parking lot this morning, I passed an empty car with a large, expensive store-bought cup of coffee sitting on the roof. I wanted to take a picture, and caption it: "Forget something?"
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Birthday List

Well, I have been "ordered" to make out a birthday list. I will be four dozen years old on Thursday. So ... For the first dozen, I'd like a lot of playmates, people I can be silly with. For the second dozen, I'd like a circle of friends, people I can tell my secrets to. For the third dozen, I'd like a place to share my sorrows and hurts with others in pain. For the fourth dozen, I'd like a way to recognize my own personal value, a part of my purpose for being here. I have no idea how y'all ant
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Turning over a new tree

Well, after my attempted hike on Saturday, that had to be downgraded to a considerably shorter, less rigorous hike, I have decided to put myself on a more realistic schedule, that includes a half hour of exercise per day. I'll be getting up at 6 and getting out of the house at a reasonable time, on top of the exercise. Hopefully, this schedule will help with the depression, too, a bit. I'm too young (not to mention muscle-bound) to be old. :-)
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Another Anniversary

So, right after the year on-site, there's another anniversary to "celebrate": my mother died a year ago today. What struck me most, going through the day, was just how far my life has come in the intervening year. Last year, I had to sneak over to see her the day she died. No one from my family could contact me to tell me that she had passed for two days, and then they had to come to the house because they didn't think it would be okay to phone. Last year, I spent the next two work days in be
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A Year!

Well, I will have been a member of this site for a year, on Saturday. It's been a year of growth, especially. Of tears, and fears, and deep talks and laughs. A year of friendship and love, pain and gratitude. I'm not the same person I was when I came here. I was hopeless then, full of suicidal fantasies if not intent. Thanks to whatever powers that be, and thanks to all of you, I heard what I was trying to tell myself. And thanks to all of you, on a daily basis, I find myself learning new r
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5

So Much For "Daily"

Heh, well, so much for "daily" ... Friday was a bear. A bunch of work that I hadn't finished (and wasn't telling anybody) caught up to me, and I ended up getting angry with my supervisor, though not at him, really. I just can't feel motivated when I'm this under-utilized. Have I contributed to that? I guess; I don't go hunt for work, that's true. Work just adds another dimension to my confused and depressed state, at the moment. Just not sure which direction makes any sense. I know what I
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Daily

Yep, "daily" means it's time for another one ... Not feeling that great, today. Headache, fighting off a panic attack just now. I see another day gone with nothing to show except lots of words devoted to my friends. I don't begrudge them; it's just that there is so much else that I'm choosing not to do. Of course it would be worse if I didn't even have the friends. I just can't seem to move on anything else. Hey, this is what you get when you put me under deadline pressure, I'm sorry. :-)
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Revivals

Well, I'm trying to resume the habit of posting one of these a day, and I seem to be simultaneously reviving the habit of waiting for the last minute, and just slapping something togther. :-) I am making an effort to break that pattern that I mentioned yesterday. I'm trying to do at least one of my backlogged things per day, so that I don't minimize myself out of existence. Let's see how it goes.
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Groundhog Day

I realized this morning that I have a protective part of me that says, each morning, "Hey, you survived another day! So, whatever you did yesterday must be safe. Don't do anything you didn't do yesterday." The problem is, that procedure inevitably results in a minimal existence, because it doesn't say anything about not doing things I did yesterday. So, I'm allowed to do less and less each day, but not more. Then, when I get tired of doing all of that work just to survive, while getting nothi
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Plus ça change ...

You know, the worst days are when you think you're right on the brink of crossing over into another world, where there's bright sun and no fear, but then later that same day, you feel not only like nothing has changed, but that nothing ever will. It's worse when you know that in between, you personally haven't moved at all. So yeah, it's all in my head. It's all in how I'm looking at things. But I don't seem to have any control over these disparate outlooks, to say, I need the hard-headed one
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What's Important

Here's what I really needed to say for today: Yes, every day is filled with new struggles, or worse, the same old struggles from yesterday. Yes, there are times when I feel like it won't ever end, when I get angry at the world for being so obstinate, when I can't understand what I'm doing wrong. Yes, it all ends some day, and that end gets closer every single day, whether you make any progress on your problems that day or not. But no, damn it, none of those things is a reason to quit trying. So
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Anniversary

This post is sort of out of the sequence of my other recent ones, but I felt it necessary to mark the day, as it might help explain some of my irritability and confusion recently. Yesterday, the 13th, was my seventh wedding anniversary. Yes, we got married on the 13th; how's that for tempting fate? (Those who don't know: we've been happily separated for almost eight months now.)
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Too Much Help?

Hmm, well, as I was delaying getting out of bed this morning, I was thinking a string of bad things about myself. I'm not sure whether it would help or hurt to be specific, so I won't. It occurred to me that, if I were to blog about the things I was telling myself, I would be sure to have many friends jumping in to tell me about all the good things I do. They wouldn't be lying. I do many things that are good; I realize that. And they would only be trying to help by telling me about them. Th
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Standing Still

A couple of my "significant life events" might shed further light on my tendency to freeze up under pressure. The first one was when I was three. I couldn't have been much older, because we moved to another house when I was four. We came back from somewhere, and my parents were busy with my younger brother. I remember begging for the house keys, to open the door. I thought it would make me a grown-up to do that for them. Well, I succeeded in opening the door, and I was so happy that I ran i
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