shame

[notmary]

no one can help her now he is there and she will do what he wants so that he will like her and stay with her

[Symora]

That was then Notmary, today is something else, today you have control over your life. You have grown up Notmary, and we are here with you now... you are not alone anymore...

[danni]

notmary,

I am so sorry you are so triggered right now....

You are an adult now and you are now in a position to protect that precious child. And...you can let us help with that!! Like Symora said...that was then. Now you can hold her and love her and protect her. You couldn't do that then but it's not to late. Let her come out and feel the safety and loving arms here to hold her now....

[finding my way]

mary you are reliving your trauma... the trauma of those sex acts as a youngster, the trauma of not being protected from them, the trauma of being so neglected and confused and not knowing what to do. The pain of those things is severe. It hurts so much.

The beliefs and the thought patterns that came out of that confusion are exactly that, confused. You need careful care with what you are saying to yourself. Repeating the demeaning things said to you will bring on the hallucinations and the unreality. The hurt is very real. The conclusions drawn from it are not.

You could say, "dear one, you need me and I need you. This hurts very bad right now, but I am here. I am with you. We hurt, but we are breathing together. We are learning a new way." Reach across to her so she can more and more feel the safety of your life now. She needs current experiences to update her that those things are in the past. She needs current experiences of not being abandoned.

We are here for you mary, and we know this is so very hard...

[notmary]

It was a long night. I really need some sleep but that wasn't happening last night as there was too much fear when I closed my eyes. Feeling kind of...hmmm i guess fragile like I might break up in little pieces right now. I can't reach that little girl right now because she is too "hot" I think I will get hurt by her or him. Sorry for not being stronger but now you know the truth about me.

[Symora]

There is no strong or weak here, there is a past that needs healing, and a woman who is feeling vulnerable and fragile. And that's OK. I have found that once I have insights about something, I begin to see it differently and can start making decisions after that. Now you have exposed what you consider to be your biggest secret, and we can all see that there is nothing to be ashamed of there. You were a little girl, doing the best you could to handle a very bizarre and confusing situation...

You will get through this Notmary, and on the other side of it you will be stronger and you will heal...

[notmary]

breathing, so glad that things have settled down today...

living in fear and shame taking my energy

no more nasty messages which is good

thanks

[malign]

We're here for you, Mary, as best we can be. I'm sorry we couldn't protect you completely, before.

I'm glad you didn't let it overwhelm you. You didn't deserve all that anger, and I think you've realized it was someone else's problem.

Your "truth" doesn't seem all that shameful, to me. None of us is strong all the time. That's why we walk together ...

[notmary]

I am very thankful for all of the support I have found on here. I am apprehensive about posting anywhere else now... I guess he silenced me for now.

I want to believe you about my truth not seeming shameful... I don't. maybe someday. I just hope I can sleep tonight without any "monsters" visiting me in my dreams.

[finding my way]

You experienced (and many of us experienced) vulnerability and need as trauma and sheer terror:(... the healing challenge is to get to a point where being in need is what it is.... we are human beings, after all. We need one another at times. I think we say mean things to ourselves to shut down the feeling of need and replace it with other feelings that don't require someone else in our lives to be there, (because they weren't).

It took a lotttttt of therapy for me to get to a point of simplicity about my pain.

Here is a fill in the blank exercise that helped me separate out thoughts and feelings to reduce confusion and to get to honesty....

I feel_________ when___________ because____________.

I want ________________.

[notmary]

Thought I would check in here rather than pour myself the big glass of wine I need. My therapist is away, completely out of contact for a few more days. Feeling a bit alone (more than a bit) since my family and friends in real life have no idea that I am tryng to deal with this shit.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary,

It is good that you checked in here instead of pouring that glass of wine. Therapist vacation is often very difficult. It is common to feel abandoned and alone. Remember, your therapist will return and, we are here for you.

Allan:)

[finding my way]

Hi mary:). I know that for most of your life you have been alone with your pain. Shame has created a huge thick wall. You have experienced a different dynamic here I hope, one where we are not ashamed of you and one where you are not so alone with how you feel.

I don't expect you to be ready to tell those around you what happened to you and why you hurt today. I have another idea though. What if you just let yourself coexist with your loved ones today, and gently monitored your self talk. Just be on the same planet with them, maybe not with "full disclosure", but with a little less carried shame.

"Even though I'm not ready to tell my family and friends why I hurt, I am learning, and I have value right here at the level I am at. I have compassion for me in my pain."

Can you see how that is different from shaming yourself while you are with them?

I myself have a tough time with feeling very lonely around my family. I have to pay extra close attention with what I am saying to myself.

[notmary]

Things were going along alright...meaning no flashbacks, able to stay somewhat focused and connected with family and friends. And then last night a horrific flashback...I cant go into details but it was probably the worst ever and more horrible memories. Well I ogt through but it wasn't pretty and it wasn't safe...

What do people do when they have these happen. Up until now almost all of my flashbacks have occurred at home and the few that didn't hhappen there I was able to be ok. But last night was different. The positive aspect, if you can call it that, is that I got through it. Today I am just sad and scared and alone... same old same old.

[finding my way]

That you can hold yourself together while this pain washes through you IS a positive thing, Mary. And yes, you need care while this is happening. Before this would be an occasion to pull apart, right? There is huge progress here, that you are not filling up with hatred for yourself. You are sad. You hurt. This is what it feels like. You need care, you do not need to hate you.

Have you ever searched google images? Sometimes I can get such release out of finding a picture that expresses how I feel. I went through a time where I would print them out and put them in a journal or on my refridgerator. You can type almost anything and get a picture response. Be careful that you can handle the occasional inappropriate photos though. If that will trigger you, don't do it.

how are you today Mary?

[notmary]

I guess it is progress that I am feeling instead of shutting down but... shutting down kept me functioning and this feeling seems to have me in a choke hold. Today the voice of the past is winning and I can't keep him quiet. HIs words are the ones that are with me and I am not strong enough to argue with him. I tried writing in a journal but it just turned into a hate letter to myself. I just think that i will curl up in a ball and hope that this comes to an end no matter what that end is. WHen I think of where these last few months have taken me I see some signs that look like I am making progress but no matter what it keeps crashing back to the core truth that I am trash and a whore. I give up.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary,

What ever it is that happened to you in the past you are not to blame and you have nothing to be ashamed about nor to feel self hatred about.

It is a sad and troubling fact that those who have suffered trauma and abuse of all kinds, feel the same awful shame. You need to free yourself from those terrible feelings.

Allan

[finding my way]

Am I trash, Mary? Are the people on this site trash? If you are, we are:o

Yes, you currently have a core belief that you are trash, and this is compounding your pain and digging you in

We know how it got going for you. We know how terribly terribly difficult it is to hurt this much. We know how we think when we hurt this much, and it ain't often pretty.

but those thoughts aren't true:(

and yes, you are still left with terrible pain. Can you just stay with the pain you feel and express it with us? Steering clear of conclusions drawn? Just what you feel. We will listen, and many here understand very well what this is like.

If it is all too much, maybe it is time for the action plan... what you do in times of "too much," like going for a drive, finding friends to be around, seeking out distractions. We all have to do that sometimes...

Keep us posted, mary.

[notmary]

Oh Allan, I wish that I could free myself from the shame and embarassment and all of the other negative crap. I get it on a cognitive level yet it seems that it is ingrained into my very soul. I dont know how to change me.

I feel like I have broken apart inside into a million pieces of glass. I am trying to put myself back together but I am cut and bleeding and it hurts like hell. I think that I will not survive this experience. I hurt. The strangest thing is that while the inside is shattered the outside appears to be the same.

Finding, I am the queen of trying to distract myself. I garden, read, and try to spend time with friends although I often feel worse after being with people. It seems to take so much effort to do anything these days, though and tons of stress making myself do things.

I am tired of my whining and I am sure that you are too.

Edited July 15, 2010 by notmary

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary,

No, no, I am not tired of you in any way. In fact, your post is very compelling, emotional and honest. There is help for you. But, you need to reach out for a therapist for that help. Someone who is really good, skilled and knows all about shame and abuse.

Allan:(

[malign]

No one's tired of you, Mary. In fact, your struggle is deeply inspirational, in many ways.

I especially enjoyed the image of you as Queen, of anything. We're all Kings and Queens of ourselves. I'm sure you'll find a use for all that broken glass, in time {maybe you can make a crown out of it, like the better-known thorny one?} And the cuts will heal, and there you'll be, in charge (of a queendom?) of a strong and beautiful person who survived.

I know that at times, you can't see that, and that's all that the rest of us are doing, walking here with you: trying to keep that image for you until you can hold it yourself.

Edited July 15, 2010 by malign
Left out the word "are"

[notmary]

***********

Edited July 16, 2010 by notmary

[malign]

Remember, Mary. It's okay.

You can't stop remembering, anyway. But remember it the way it happened.

Remember that you were a child.

Remember that he was the grownup, the one who was supposed to keep you safe.

Remember that what he did was wrong, what he believed was wrong, what he told you was wrong.

Don't hate you, hate what he did to you. Because that's not what you are.

[notmary]

***********

Edited July 16, 2010 by notmary

[malign]

What is wrong with him, you mean.

I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that.

Mary, try to do something else. Being around people has helped you before. Is that possible now? Or at least, change your location. Look out a window at how the leaves move in the trees. Watch the sun filter through them, or the rain drip from them. Those are the truly permanent things.

Have you practiced breathing, with your therapist? How to calm yourself when things get bad? Now's the time to stop for a second, and use them, if you can.