shame

[finding my way]

Oh mary, if someone from here saw your 8 year old you they would know the truth that you are being abused and they would ACT to rescue you!!!!!!!!!! Sweetie, you are in your place of trauma where you were all alone, but you are not alone now. Reach across, dear mary, bring us with you. We will clasp hands with your 8 year old and bring her to safety!!!! In time she can have other associations to the sounds of rustling trees and birds, as any little girl deserves to peacefully have......

[notmary]

I am sorry for the graphic post. I keep having these flashbacks and they frighten me. If it needs to be deleted then I will do it but I felt like I needed to write it down. When I reread it I was able to do so as an adult and it helped to bring me out of the moment. Now I am left with the sickness and shame of the moment.

Thank you for responding. I feel like I am alone in this hell. How do people deal with these moments and more importantly how do you make them stop. I am fighting the urge to run away from me. I found myself in my car early this morning driving with the only goal to go away from me. Somehow I was able to see my children and I knew I had to go back to them but I am afraid that I will give in and leave. Everything just hurts

[finding my way]

no apologies needed for your post, mary, this is your thread and your healing. I am so sorry for this pain . You are stating the facts of what happened to you, and that is an important ability. Someday it might be another step for you to tell a friend what you suffered, someone you can trust. You don't have to be graphic unless you need too. Then you could drive around together and go shopping or eat ice cream or look at nature, whatever works, and you will have a flesh and blood person with you in your pain to take away some of the lonliness. At another point, you will be able to say to yourself, I hurt! This is what it feels like to feel this pain:(, and you will breathe and let it pass through and express itself and you will not need to run away because you know you are ok, you just really hurt sometimes, and you have friends.

These things are all possible for you mary:o.

[notmary]

For whatever reason the memories are so alive and overpowering today. I am trying to distract myself but nothing is working. Because it happened both indoors and outdoors, in bedrooms and in the woods I feel like the sounds, smells, sights are everwhere setting me off.

Finding, I can't imagine ever telling anyone... I am starting to share with my therapist usually through writing though. And I actually have managed not to delete that post, even though I am very uncomfortable about it. My husband my friends my family...I don't believe I will ever tell them about me and I don't know if I want to open myself to people in that way. I think that the most I hope for is to breathe peacefully and to find little bits of joy around me. Maybe to not be afraid all the time

[finding my way]

I am breathing peace for you, mary:o... I'm so sorry you hurt . all these things are signs of progress, that you can come here and write, that you can say what you need to say..... what you feel is pain, but you are feeling, and you are staying with you, and all these things are important for easing your shame.... and easing your shame will make being with others easier...make you being with you easier... I'm so sorry these things happened to you:( I am wishing you peace:o

[notmary]

How do you handle the flashbacks? the memeories that suddenly take over and leave me panicked and not able to breathe. I dont have work to distract me and sincle school let out last week i am almost in a constant flashback. Breathing hurts, I want to hide in my closet. Actually what I want to do is not feel. Maybe the fact that I can't leave my body is a sign of healing but it hurts like hell.

what made him do this to me? why didn't i fight him or tell someone? why didn't my mom protect me? what is wrong with me

[finding my way]

Mary are you able yet to speak to your therapist about the flashbacks? Is there a way you could see her more often for the summer? It is work that could really pay off. I can only speak for myself, and I am not a therapist as you know, but I would need to go into those memories bringing my therapist with me and my spiritual guide and whatever else I might need. Right then and there while the flashback was occuring, I would need to reach across to my young self and say something like, "I see you dear one. I am so very sorry that this happened to you, it really really is awful and there is no question you should have been protected. That didn't happen for you then, but I am here now. I stand with you in your pain. Those events are over. I know you hurt, and I hurt too." and if you can, hold her or take her hand. Just be there for her. In time you can have other things that you do together to build your ground. Lately I have been making earrings with my young self. It's just an example, but something like that that she would like to do.

as for him, he has to have been very ill to do those things, and it is most likely that he was an abuse victim himself as a child. There is no way a healthy person would do that to someone. Whatever his story, yours is the one we can know, and we care very much for you mary and stand with you against his inappropriate use of you and we say no more:mad:. Take us with you as you bust him, call the police, haul him to the legal system where he will face jail and sex offenders rehab (if he's lucky).

[notmary]

I can't speak about them but I have been able to write a bit about things to her. When I get in to her office, I hear his voice telling me that I asked for it and that no one will believe me but everyone will know that I was a whore. And I hear his threats and the memories are strong and paralyzing, I am afraid that she will act the way he said. That she will ditch me and laugh at me and let everyone know the truth about me. I know I am messed up. I know that I should be over this and moving on. I know that I suck at this therapy and that I am a damaged. a mess, not whole.

Actually this summer I will probably see less of my therapist due to vacations (hers and mine) not lining up. I dn't know how I will handle this but maybe it will allow me to crawl back into a hole and not feel so fucking vunerable and unsafe.

Wanting to participate on this forum in other strands but feeling like a hopeless failure. I guess my thinking is that I am too f'ed up to help myself let alone help others. I am just so sad. i don't know if I want to keep on this road.

[malign]

Hi Mary. :-)

You mention that you hear his voice before your sessions, telling you things.

Have those things turned out to be true, ever? Just thought I'd check, in case he was as much of a liar as I would imagine he was. ;-)

You're doing great at this therapy! Look back just a couple of months, at how little you were able to talk about all of this. Now you can tell us the B.S. that you hear him say, and get feedback by testing it against reality. That's huge progress! You should, in fact, be quite proud of yourself. Many people never manage to face these things.

You're allowed to pick a sunnier road, Mary. It's your road, your life. You're getting there. :-)

[notmary]

I need help everything hurts tonight

[malign]

What do you need, Mary?

We're here.

[notmary]

I need to escape hi voice htese memories i need to find a dark quiet hole where no one can see me and judge me and where i can escape

i think that i need to drink a lot to make this stop

[malign]

Mary,

There are other ways to escape that voice. For emergency purposes, like this, I would recommend trying to engage with people you care about, if that's possible. Definitely, the farther away you try to get, the more alone you'll be with that voice. It certainly won't go away on its own.

For longer term, have they talked about any sort of medication, to quiet this interruption into your life? You don't need to hear him any more. He's not around to judge you, ever again.

[finding my way]

mary I'm so sorry for your pain.:(

from what I've observed here, negative judgemental self talk tends to increase the experience of hearing the voice of your abuser. Please, if you can, take very special care with what you are telling yourself.

Your feelings are real and true: you hurt:(

The thoughts that accompany your hurt most likely are not true at all. I see this again and again and I had to learn it for my own pain, and we all have to be reminded of it again and again. Allan calls it "stinkin thinkin."

In your situation I would need an affirmation to say to myself instead of negative self talk.

It could be something like this: I hurt. This is what my hurt feels like. I have compassion for me right now, this is so very hard for me. I may not know how to love me, but I am here on this journey and I have value.

Can you see how saying something like that and repeating it can take the place of negative self talk in a time of dire need? Our thoughts can keep us very very stuck and we need help to get out from under them.

You are not alone in this struggle mary.

[IrmaJean]

I wanted you to know, notmary, that we are here if you need someone to sit by you. I'm sorry you've been hurting. How are you feeling today?

[notmary]

This morning the sun is shining and I am able to breathe and calm myself down a bit. I just returned from the gym and am going to try and take care of me a little bit today.

Last night was bad. It seems like right now there are so many triggers that I can't seem to avoid them all. Once a memory starts, panic takes over and I can't seem to remember how to take care of myself.

I didn't curl up in a hole which is what my first instinct was. Instead I gathered with some girl friends for wine and laughter. Although I was quiet, I did get some relief, laughter is almost always a balm for me.

Finding, I like this: This is what my hurt feels like. I have compassion for me right now, this is so very hard for me. I may not know how to love me, but I am here on this journey and I have value

I will try to keep reminding myself of that. I know that it is my thinking and me allowing that voice to have the power... don't know why I don't fight it.

As far as medication goes Malign, I have resisted this. Not because I am anti medicine... there is a long history of abuse and neglect which involved the adults in my life being too mdocated.

[malign]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, Mary, and that you managed to find comfort with friends. I hope you'll come and find us any time you need someone to listen.

I only asked about medicine in case it would make your life better. For one thing, alcohol is a "medicine", too, with its own long-term side effects. But the choice will always be yours, which way is best for you.

Oh, and my name is Mark. :-)

[danni]

Hi Mary,

I'm also glad you are feeling better!!

I'd like to share something that works for me when I'm in situations where I know a lot of triggers will be present. Those are usually the times when my brain can't handle too much to think about so I pre plan what my thought stopper activity is going to be. So....when I feel some anxiety coming on rather than have to take another step to decide what to do....I can automatically start calling a certain friend or playing piano or cleaning my living room (anything that can keep your mind totally on something else) Don't know if it will work for you but something to consider.

As far as meds. I understand your fear considering your history but I think if you found a Dr you trust and explore it with him/her it may be something that helps you feel better. I can feel the distress you are in and really want some relief for you and meds might help with that. Be very upfront with the Dr about what your fears are and why and find a Dr that is compassionate and understanding of those fears. It's like a job interview for that Dr.

[notmary]

Well I made it through the day without freaking out. Now of course it is late at night and the troubled sleeping time begins. I have written down what you said Finding, and keep rereading it... it is helping me stay calm.

I appreciate your comments Mark and Danni.

The issue with medication is too difficult for me to consider. When a significant family trauma happened 3 years ago, which is how my family and I all ended up in therapy, I did go on anti depressants and something for sleep. It was effective in keeping me functioning and I was able to use therapy as a tool to face and "deal with" the trauma... I thought that I was doing well. I didn't like being on the medication because it kinda left me feeling disconnected from my children and not like I was on top of protecting them which has always been my biggest concern. But I stayed on the meds so that I could keep moving forward.

Then the flashbacks started. I am still somewhat shocked by what I have remembered, yet not completely when I start trying to put some of the strange pieces that I have always remembered to gether with the new stuff.

Suffice to say that if my mother hadn't been so doped up on her medications I would have had protection. Instead she was a zombie and turned over the care of her children to others who came into our home. I was left unprotected. The medication had to go because I will not leave my children unprotected. This is a personal decision and by no means do I have a problem with medicine for others. I just can't do it.

Danni I think that your suggestion to have a plan is a very good one. I know that when a memory begins I seem to lose my ability to think and reason. I don't have much control right now but your suggestion might help me some.

Anyway, thanks for the help,the kindness, the caring. Also most importantly for giving me the little flashes of hope that I might somehow survive this.

Edited July 3, 2010 by notmary

[IrmaJean]

Sometimes our own inner strength surprises us, Mary. Flashes of hope may help you to find your way. I hope today passes by serenely. Take gentle care, Mary, and keep talking with us.

[notmary]

After a beautiful long weekend with family and friends, and me stupidly thinking that maybe I could put this behind me, I am up this am with the same panicky feeling. I hate that I get triggered so easily adn that I am so weak. I face a little bit of a confrontation, especially from someone whom I have very little respect, and I become that weak groveling child... don't be mad at me, I will do what ever you want just don't leave me alone...

therapist is away for a week and I am on my own. Right now just that paralyzed feeling...

[finding my way]

Hi mary! I've had company and more on the way:eek:... I just wanted to say congratulations for the good things happening for you. Your present troubles make sense too. This is what feeling vulnerable is like for your child self. She DOES need assurance, she does need to know you won't abandon her. We can so relate to this tender pain:o, at times rageful pain. We stand with you as you find a way to stand with her. She deserves care and healthy relationships in her life. The terror and confusion of abandonment hurts so very much:(. Maybe find an activity you can do that includes her? I am wishing you well today mary!!!!

[notmary]

it is my fault that i let this happen to me ishould have said no to him and not gone along with what i did

slut whore stupid. i am those things

[Symora]

Notmary, I think the little girl within you needs comforting. What he said to her is untrue...

Edited July 6, 2010 by Symora

[Lindamomof7]

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Edited August 5, 2010 by Lindamomof7