Ok, so I've been thinking - quite a lot the past few days or so - about how my life has panned out.
Ive come to this conclusion.......
Somewhere along the line (not too sure as to where) I have abandoned 'me'
Ok, so its the middle of the night - not really the ideal time to be blogging - but ya know when something sudenly hits ya - and its like OMG !!!!
Ive thrown my life away - like WTF - but sadly its true.
I am so pissed at myself - how stupid have I been - seriously....
Get married young - tryna scrape together this 'ideal' I have in my head of the perfect family. Sheeze - as if one even exsists
It was a good marriage - I guess, however looking back an remembering how certain things made me feel - maybe it wasnt so good as I like to believe. I mean, I would put up with soooo much - coz I wanted to be just normal. Maybe it was normal to work all hours and never see my hubby, and all the complications that created. but yep I was happy - till one day he told me he wanted a family - which we couldnt have coz of me - HA, how he changed his tune 10 years later. So I let him have everything - I mean literally EVERYTHING - stupid cow, bet he was laughing all the way to the bank. Our divorce was over in just 6 short weeks. He ha the house, the businesses, everything including the dog!!! - Why coz I felt it was right. I coulnt provide him with children. And the guilt I felt coz of that - shit, it was unbearable. I ended up in a frigging hostel - all the while he was out and about shagging all that breathed - yeah Im not bitter - much .
Then comes along peter - my childrens father - OMG, that was a lesson well learnt. he was fine, the perfect gent, till Maisy (our first child) arrived. Then he was a complete bastard. My own fault really - I shoulda walked the first time he hit me, let alone wait till things really gotten outta hand. 3 children and pregnant with his fourth child later - and where am I - in frigging refuges with my babies - coz it just wasnt safe for me to be around him anymore.
many court cases later - and its hi to mental break down, return of the mental illnesses I had suffered with as a teen, only this time it cost me all of my children. :mad:
And in and out of hospital Ive been ever since.......
All because I abandoned myself at such a young age - yeah thanks mum and papa. Coz somewhere inside of me I knew that I had to do my best for others, erm, behave in a certain way, do as I was told, do what others wanted/expected - or in some way I would pay for it.
But ya know what - I pay for it anyway, just I have never realised it. What ever I do - theres consequences - a price to pay (Im not on about money) and that cost is always too dear.
Think its called survival.
So now, Im taking a step back - a huge one. I have too or Im gonna end up litterally killing myself.
I need to find the me that has been silenced over many years. And allow for me to be myself - the me , before I knew fear.