Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying!
Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but ho
The days go by so fast, part of me is wondering if the days get shorter the older i get. It dont seem like my little one was born that long ago, yet next week she will be 18 months old. My little bundle of joy is now a fully fledged toddler who is desperately trying to learn how to jump, and can almost do it now, watching her determination truely makes my heart smile.
Am due for us to be moved on again in the next week or two, must admit that i am finding it a tad daunting, but also kinda h
I know its been a while since i last visited here - ooops! Life kinda takes over sometimes. Bebe is now 14 months and walking, even if somewhat wobbly and has well and truely mastered the art of wrapping me round her little fingers
Its been a hectic past six months, Bebe and I relocated down south (where its loads warmer) a few months or so ago. Still trying to find my way around the area, but i dont get lost that often now, so its all good.
Hope that my friends here are all ok as they can be
Gosh how time goes by without realising it! A LOTTTTT has happened this past 6 months or so. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!!!!
Ive been stable and off medication, since March
Managed to get the perfect job, and hold it down - shock horror!
Then in July I found out I was pregnant - again. a bit of a shock to say the least, especially as just 8 weeks later I gave birth - to the most beautiful little girl . So now Im on maternity leave.
It was real scarey for a while, whilst Social Services
Not really sure what Ive been doing this past few weeks - though Im sure Ive had fun and quite possibly been up to no damn good again! So much for the new year new start! - Ooops!
Didnt get the job I applied for - reckon its coz of me track record of recent years, not that bothered really. Well actually thats quite possibly a lie as I set my heart on it - pretty stupid of me really.
And since then, well Ive messed up a fair bit - big time. I now find myself engaged to be married to someone Im
This ol' life of mine sure does have a sense of humour - so I truely am pleased that i too, can see the funny side of things
I moved last friday, this time to some out in the sticks location - a townie country bumpkin thats me - well i guess thats what I am presently - till I get moved again, which knowing me wont be too much longer - if Im lucky I might be able to stay here a few months atleast. Thats Life!!!
Still happy enough tho' coz I know that theres like loadsa people worse of than me
Been here for 4 weeks now - I think. and everything is going wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im getting by alright enough - somehow. But am not entirely sure whats happening most of the time.
Have I mentioned how much I loathe being re-located, sure I must of done at some stage or other, but just incase I havnt - I HATE THIS!!!!!
This new place is nice enough and the people friendly, what more can lifes reject ask for?
Hmm, maybe Oh, I dunno - breathing space, does that even exsist this day and age?
Having one of those days, where the answer to all lifes problems, the answer to the square route of infinity, the answer to every little question no matter how relatively simple - or as in reality, how difficult it may seem to others is - Dunno!!!
Sheeze I feel so thick, unstable and feel like I'm about to explode.
Maybe if I just hide in here a little longer, I can convince myself that there is no existance beyond this computer screen.
But, I know I wont be able to hide here forever, or even
Guess its been a while since I last visited here, and thought a visit was long overdue
Ive been a bit out of things the last few months (or maybe longer, cant remember) but things are getting better - i think
Never seem to have much (if any) spare time on my hands these days, parts of me are missing the days of lounging about whinging coz i had nothing to do or worth doing - now its like im on catch up, and cant sit still long enough to enjoy the moments im having.
Not grumbling though, thi
OK, its been ages since ive been here or infact since ive been on a computer - but it seems somewhere along the line one of the computers i last used had a virus..... and has been sending out e-mails using my address.
So sorry to anyone who has recieved one of these e-mails, and i hope that they werent too annoying or offensive in anyway.
Gonna try and stop it happening in future - somehow
Gotta love the internet, but some things are just so frustrating i could scream!
Take care all
Things have gone a little wrong - maybe its for the best - sheeze only knows what the future holds - not sure i altogether care, its not like things usually go according to my plan anyway - so s'pose this was to be expected.
Reckon ive had better days. Huh, feel free to insert sarcasm, coz at mo Im possitively full of the damn stuff.
Not sure I like therapy - not sure I like work, not even sure if I like anything. Just want it all to rag off and leave me alone to stewper in peace - have I ment
Guess I'm getting there!
Its been a very busy tiresome couple of months or so - and seriously the temptation to just stay sleeping some days rather than get up and go to work is almost overwhelming - yet each day I drag my bum outta bed (a mission in itself) put one foot infront of the other and just keep walking
Work and me have a love/hate relationship - I dont want to work (does anybody really) but needs must (I suppose) if Im gonna be the kind of person who wants to keep a roof over her h
Been home for a few days now, and I gotta say I'm loving the freedom of making my own decisions once more
Its been a wonderful few days, I've kept myself real busy of a daytime, and have gone to therapy and my out patient group. Gone for lovely long walks in the afternoon and pretty much spent my days exactly how I have wanted to spend them.... best of all the sun has been shining and its been lovely and hot.
Its good to be home, and even better to sleep in my own bed. Wake up in familiar su
Coz thats wot I NEED to do to be able to function on any sort of level that I dont keep melting down
Infact today is the first time I've even thought about switching on my laptop for a few days (shocking aint it!)
Although I've not achieved much of anything really, each day I get up and force myself to stick to some form of scheule (even if it is completely basic for now)
Even though I'm really, really tempted each morning to just leave myself switched off from reality, I manage to force (li
= not a hope in hell - and I should know, thats where I am!
would like to say hell has its peaceful moments - but yeah im shit outta luck on that score.
my happy hellish life - yep, pass me the drugs zonk me out, and if i wake then, why not just inject the heck outta me - its gonna happen anyways - just GO FOR IT. im seriously beyond caring or gaf, huh - go figure idgaf at all.
feel like a guinea pig or rat in one of them labs.
aint life bloody fantastic
Somedays seem so perfect, things go better than planned and my self expectations are exceeded, things are kept to a level I can cope with - them are the days that a part of me says YAY I can make it through to the next
Somedays are just sent to me straight from hell on earth, seriously draining, completely fucked up thoughts - yeah and actions, that push me further back than I thought posible - them are the days when death seems like a bloody good and realistic idea, my only option.
Things are looking up. Being in isolation is doing me good. Its a different world to what I am used to, and I'm loving it. Its probably not everyones cup of tea, but its mine
I'm feeling loads better, less distractions around to hinder me. Quality time for me to work at self recovery - obviously the aid of medications and being in a extremely controlled environment. Who'da thought it - I'm getting better.
I would love to see how everyone is doing but I have limited time with internet access
Hmmm, been asked today if I feel ready to go home over christmas for a couple of days....... and honestly - I dont know.
I mean, I am doing better of late, and havnt "slipped" or tried to kill myself despite the urges to do so - not sure if thats coz Ive learnt to cope with the urges differently, or if coz of where I am, that its impossible for me to get up to much along those lines.
I want to go home - but not as a temporary measure, damn it. The last thing I want to do is screw things up ag
so bloody angry. i wanna scream, shout, rant, rave, vent, punch two frigging holes through the damn windows,
hmmm, is this whats called emotionally unstable - no p'frigging'doc its called being pissed off, keep yer meds, shove 'em in any oriface you so desire, probably one in which the sun never shines, and leave me the fuck alone, and let me just sleep
today wasnt such a bloody good day afterall :mad:
Ok, so I've been thinking - quite a lot the past few days or so - about how my life has panned out.
Ive come to this conclusion.......
Somewhere along the line (not too sure as to where) I have abandoned 'me'
Ok, so its the middle of the night - not really the ideal time to be blogging - but ya know when something sudenly hits ya - and its like OMG !!!!
Ive thrown my life away - like WTF - but sadly its true.
I am so pissed at myself - how stupid have I been - seriously....
Get married you
Im feeling calmer, and more leveled out. Im sad, but not overly so. Think I might go to relaxation class, this morning - something I dont usually do, coz too many people, and I get nervous in groups - but I reckon I will give it a try.
Things are far from ideal for me presently - However, today feels bearable. Bearable is good
dunno whats going on - my head is up to its usual tricks again. have to hide sometimes. cant really hide from myself and my own reality though can i. and that - that is what is so damn frustratingly scarey.
gotta get a grip - not sure how. sheeze if i can just figure it out - not all of it, just a small piece, then work on it from there.
balance needed. perspective diffinately needed. logic would be good instead of flying right off into one. whats real isnt real. thats what they say - but they
Recent events, here amongst this community have shocked, hurt, upset and confused me.
And it upsets me even more that in such a caring, understanding, "safe" haven. That what has happened is not only tolerated, but is in a way encouraged.
So I get it - It is perfectly fine for a moderator to deceave, lie, use, fabricate stories, etc everyone for months on end. And have all the other moderators and administrators not only back him/her but also to dismiss feelings of genuine hurt from the people