Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying!
Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but hopefully one day. Ive had to accept that - it was hard. Very hard.
But time moves forward even when my mind or my fear take me backwards momentarily. And for once not only am I moving forward Im looking forward ☺
Its a weird life that Ive had and I dare say it will always be a little strange or erm different. But thats ok, coz I dont think I could handle normal anyway ?
The days go by so fast, part of me is wondering if the days get shorter the older i get. It dont seem like my little one was born that long ago, yet next week she will be 18 months old. My little bundle of joy is now a fully fledged toddler who is desperately trying to learn how to jump, and can almost do it now, watching her determination truely makes my heart smile.
Am due for us to be moved on again in the next week or two, must admit that i am finding it a tad daunting, but also kinda hoping it will be ok and not affect Bebe too much. It will be nice to have somewhere we can call our home especially as we have now spent half her life hiding away in refuge. We can just be us, and that is something ive been looking forward too for so long now.
just hope i dont screw things up, or have my history repeat itself, like i know it has a habbit of doing...........
I know its been a while since i last visited here - ooops! Life kinda takes over sometimes. Bebe is now 14 months and walking, even if somewhat wobbly and has well and truely mastered the art of wrapping me round her little fingers
Its been a hectic past six months, Bebe and I relocated down south (where its loads warmer) a few months or so ago. Still trying to find my way around the area, but i dont get lost that often now, so its all good.
Hope that my friends here are all ok as they can be.
Take care x
Gosh how time goes by without realising it! A LOTTTTT has happened this past 6 months or so. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!!!!
Ive been stable and off medication, since March
Managed to get the perfect job, and hold it down - shock horror!
Then in July I found out I was pregnant - again. a bit of a shock to say the least, especially as just 8 weeks later I gave birth - to the most beautiful little girl . So now Im on maternity leave.
It was real scarey for a while, whilst Social Services assessed me, to see if I was able to keep the baby. Thankfully I was deemed fit and capable, and with their support and monitoring Ive been allowed to be a full time mum to my little bundle.
My little one is now 5 weeks old, and growing fast.
Gotta say Ive never been happier or more settled. Guess it just goes to show, just how much life can change - and occasionally its for the better!
Not really sure what Ive been doing this past few weeks - though Im sure Ive had fun and quite possibly been up to no damn good again! So much for the new year new start! - Ooops!
Didnt get the job I applied for - reckon its coz of me track record of recent years, not that bothered really. Well actually thats quite possibly a lie as I set my heart on it - pretty stupid of me really.
And since then, well Ive messed up a fair bit - big time. I now find myself engaged to be married to someone Im not even sure if i like and certainly dont love. He just asked, and like a idiot I said yes, coz it was easier than saying hell no, not in this lifetime ya friggin' weirdo.
To be fair its not him thats weird but possibly ME!
I mean what nearly forty year old does anyone know, that runs round like a teenager looking for nothing but the next laugh, and bit of excitement, knowing the consequences but not giving a stuff about them anyway????
My therapist probably thinks Im as mad as they come, and is almost certainly correct on that score. Especially when all I can do is smile and grin like a stupid cc, when I recollect the crap Ive been up to of late.Even though I know its wrong. It just dont stop me!!!!
Even now as I sit here typing, trying to - I dont know give myself some sort of reality check, a huge part of me is thinking about just going out tonight and bullshitting my way to yet another hangover in the morning and no doubt embarrasing myself beyond caring.
I actually wonder if I even care anymore what happens, a part of me must surely care a little or why would I bother even typing in here, or continue with councelling. But whats the point if I cant even try hard enough to keep myself outta bother, gotta ask what good could it possibly do?
I thought that this year would be different for me, and in a way I suppose it kinda is, Im just finding new ways to mess up whats left of my life - Yay me!
I sound pathetic.
This ol' life of mine sure does have a sense of humour - so I truely am pleased that i too, can see the funny side of things
I moved last friday, this time to some out in the sticks location - a townie country bumpkin thats me - well i guess thats what I am presently - till I get moved again, which knowing me wont be too much longer - if Im lucky I might be able to stay here a few months atleast. Thats Life!!!
Still happy enough tho' coz I know that theres like loadsa people worse of than me - atleast I still have my sanity - even if these days it is some what warped
Gotta learn to stop catching those darn curve-balls, and remember to duck outta the way next time one comes flying toward me.
Hope that everyone has the best possible christmas that they can
Been here for 4 weeks now - I think. and everything is going wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im getting by alright enough - somehow. But am not entirely sure whats happening most of the time.
Have I mentioned how much I loathe being re-located, sure I must of done at some stage or other, but just incase I havnt - I HATE THIS!!!!!
This new place is nice enough and the people friendly, what more can lifes reject ask for?
Hmm, maybe Oh, I dunno - breathing space, does that even exsist this day and age?
I have a door, well several actually (all of which are defected and refuse to do their job), a roof all beit leaking, friggin mold in places I thought mould couldnt exsist, bowing ceilings, gas pipes that cant go a week without leaking, and a bathroom in desperate need of replacing - coz like it would be nice to have a loo that dont leak and a bath that functions, on a plus atleast I'm outta harms way and sufficiently hidden for the time being. Just cant cope anymore with , well, everything.
How the F*** does anyone actually manage to live, coz honestly what with the state Ive mentally gotten myself into of late, and the state of the surroundings Im exsisting in, I really want to just switch the hell off and go join the people I have been avoiding for so many years - atleast it'll shut them up.
Having one of those days, where the answer to all lifes problems, the answer to the square route of infinity, the answer to every little question no matter how relatively simple - or as in reality, how difficult it may seem to others is - Dunno!!!
Sheeze I feel so thick, unstable and feel like I'm about to explode.
Maybe if I just hide in here a little longer, I can convince myself that there is no existance beyond this computer screen.
But, I know I wont be able to hide here forever, or even another hour - got another darn interigation - OK, appointment in a bit ...... Hmmm, just when my eyes had nearly stopped leaking. Not sure how much more of this I can handle quite honestly.
Guess its been a while since I last visited here, and thought a visit was long overdue
Ive been a bit out of things the last few months (or maybe longer, cant remember) but things are getting better - i think
Never seem to have much (if any) spare time on my hands these days, parts of me are missing the days of lounging about whinging coz i had nothing to do or worth doing - now its like im on catch up, and cant sit still long enough to enjoy the moments im having.
Not grumbling though, things are moving and so am I
Happy New year all (sorry its some what belated)
OK, its been ages since ive been here or infact since ive been on a computer - but it seems somewhere along the line one of the computers i last used had a virus..... and has been sending out e-mails using my address.
So sorry to anyone who has recieved one of these e-mails, and i hope that they werent too annoying or offensive in anyway.
Gonna try and stop it happening in future - somehow
Gotta love the internet, but some things are just so frustrating i could scream!
Take care all
Things have gone a little wrong - maybe its for the best - sheeze only knows what the future holds - not sure i altogether care, its not like things usually go according to my plan anyway - so s'pose this was to be expected.
Reckon ive had better days. Huh, feel free to insert sarcasm, coz at mo Im possitively full of the damn stuff.
Not sure I like therapy - not sure I like work, not even sure if I like anything. Just want it all to rag off and leave me alone to stewper in peace - have I mentioned already that I hate today, coz I do, Reckon Im gonna hate tomorrow too - just guessing on that score though, but the way things are going I wouldnt be at all supprised.
But apart from that Im in a real good mood, and everything is A1 OKAY
Guess I'm getting there!
Its been a very busy tiresome couple of months or so - and seriously the temptation to just stay sleeping some days rather than get up and go to work is almost overwhelming - yet each day I drag my bum outta bed (a mission in itself) put one foot infront of the other and just keep walking
Work and me have a love/hate relationship - I dont want to work (does anybody really) but needs must (I suppose) if Im gonna be the kind of person who wants to keep a roof over her head
.......... and work is about all I do these days - this is my first day off in weeks.
But I have a goal that Im working toward, so Im working harder than hard (which I hate) so that I can visit Romania for 6 months next year, and then go to Bethlehem the year after. Then all this work will be worth it.
Im still on my meds (yuk) and most days I do actually take them. Seems my life has gone from one extreme to another, guess theres nothing new there.
But atleast I can smile again
(and that means a lot to me)
Been home for a few days now, and I gotta say I'm loving the freedom of making my own decisions once more
Its been a wonderful few days, I've kept myself real busy of a daytime, and have gone to therapy and my out patient group. Gone for lovely long walks in the afternoon and pretty much spent my days exactly how I have wanted to spend them.... best of all the sun has been shining and its been lovely and hot.
Its good to be home, and even better to sleep in my own bed. Wake up in familiar surroundings without loads of people around me.
I realise its early days still, this is me afterall () so Im taking things easy and trying not to allow myself to go stupid with all the things I could be doing (even though seriously its much more fun and exciting to be like that) and just concentrating more on doing the everyday stuff (that helps to keep me out of trouble - possibly:p) ..... guess I'm just trying to stay level headed and not allow my hypers/lowpers to get out of control or rather, get control of me again
Hope everyones day is being kind to them, take care.
Coz thats wot I NEED to do to be able to function on any sort of level that I dont keep melting down
Infact today is the first time I've even thought about switching on my laptop for a few days (shocking aint it!)
Although I've not achieved much of anything really, each day I get up and force myself to stick to some form of scheule (even if it is completely basic for now)
Even though I'm really, really tempted each morning to just leave myself switched off from reality, I manage to force (litterally its at nagging levels at times) myself to do the basics, like get up, washed and dressed, do that totally disgusting thing called eating (which I totally hate presently), go to class, groups therapy and somehow manage to force a smile through it all (even if it is mostly through gritted teeth).
Still my hard work seems to be paying off, I'm scheduled to leave this hell hole in three weeks time - all going well (YiPpeEeeee!!!)
Don't know how often I will be popping on-line, as these days my time is pretty much taken up with everyday stuff that I'm learning to do again, but I hope that everyone is ok, and I think of you all often
= not a hope in hell - and I should know, thats where I am!
would like to say hell has its peaceful moments - but yeah im shit outta luck on that score.
my happy hellish life - yep, pass me the drugs zonk me out, and if i wake then, why not just inject the heck outta me - its gonna happen anyways - just GO FOR IT. im seriously beyond caring or gaf, huh - go figure idgaf at all.
feel like a guinea pig or rat in one of them labs.
aint life bloody fantastic
Somedays seem so perfect, things go better than planned and my self expectations are exceeded, things are kept to a level I can cope with - them are the days that a part of me says YAY I can make it through to the next
Somedays are just sent to me straight from hell on earth, seriously draining, completely fucked up thoughts - yeah and actions, that push me further back than I thought posible - them are the days when death seems like a bloody good and realistic idea, my only option.
And then I get days like today - when I think oh for the love of spite, just STFU, its Life. Who the fuck am I to grumble about such tedious things. Just suck it up, and deal. Do one thing or the other - its impossible to do both. So I try - for a bit , till reality wakes me up with a thud! - coz trying aint working, or coz its too hard, so I go to the other option - them are the days that Im at my most harmful.:mad:
Guess thats why Im where I am. Coz days dont matter, achievements dont matter, hope dont matter - coz in the end - Im back to square one - a F'kd Up mess
thats it, my life - oh great!
Things are looking up. Being in isolation is doing me good. Its a different world to what I am used to, and I'm loving it. Its probably not everyones cup of tea, but its mine
I'm feeling loads better, less distractions around to hinder me. Quality time for me to work at self recovery - obviously the aid of medications and being in a extremely controlled environment. Who'da thought it - I'm getting better.
I would love to see how everyone is doing but I have limited time with internet access - so I'm just hoping that you are all doing as well as you can be, your all in my thoughts
Hmmm, been asked today if I feel ready to go home over christmas for a couple of days....... and honestly - I dont know.
I mean, I am doing better of late, and havnt "slipped" or tried to kill myself despite the urges to do so - not sure if thats coz Ive learnt to cope with the urges differently, or if coz of where I am, that its impossible for me to get up to much along those lines.
I want to go home - but not as a temporary measure, damn it. The last thing I want to do is screw things up again. And I'm scared that Im gonna end up doing just that. Maybe though that is a unrealistic fear - I get fearful of the stupidist of things at times.
Guess Ive gotten some serious thinking and soul searching to do - sheeze Im not good at being assertive enough to just decide one way or the other - or confident enough in myself to believe whole heartidly that Im not gonna trick myself - AGAIN, coz i know Im really good at doing that
so bloody angry. i wanna scream, shout, rant, rave, vent, punch two frigging holes through the damn windows,
hmmm, is this whats called emotionally unstable - no p'frigging'doc its called being pissed off, keep yer meds, shove 'em in any oriface you so desire, probably one in which the sun never shines, and leave me the fuck alone, and let me just sleep
today wasnt such a bloody good day afterall :mad:
Ok, so I've been thinking - quite a lot the past few days or so - about how my life has panned out.
Ive come to this conclusion.......
Somewhere along the line (not too sure as to where) I have abandoned 'me'
Ok, so its the middle of the night - not really the ideal time to be blogging - but ya know when something sudenly hits ya - and its like OMG !!!!
Ive thrown my life away - like WTF - but sadly its true.
I am so pissed at myself - how stupid have I been - seriously....
Get married young - tryna scrape together this 'ideal' I have in my head of the perfect family. Sheeze - as if one even exsists
It was a good marriage - I guess, however looking back an remembering how certain things made me feel - maybe it wasnt so good as I like to believe. I mean, I would put up with soooo much - coz I wanted to be just normal. Maybe it was normal to work all hours and never see my hubby, and all the complications that created. but yep I was happy - till one day he told me he wanted a family - which we couldnt have coz of me - HA, how he changed his tune 10 years later. So I let him have everything - I mean literally EVERYTHING - stupid cow, bet he was laughing all the way to the bank. Our divorce was over in just 6 short weeks. He ha the house, the businesses, everything including the dog!!! - Why coz I felt it was right. I coulnt provide him with children. And the guilt I felt coz of that - shit, it was unbearable. I ended up in a frigging hostel - all the while he was out and about shagging all that breathed - yeah Im not bitter - much .
Then comes along peter - my childrens father - OMG, that was a lesson well learnt. he was fine, the perfect gent, till Maisy (our first child) arrived. Then he was a complete bastard. My own fault really - I shoulda walked the first time he hit me, let alone wait till things really gotten outta hand. 3 children and pregnant with his fourth child later - and where am I - in frigging refuges with my babies - coz it just wasnt safe for me to be around him anymore.
many court cases later - and its hi to mental break down, return of the mental illnesses I had suffered with as a teen, only this time it cost me all of my children. :mad:
And in and out of hospital Ive been ever since.......
All because I abandoned myself at such a young age - yeah thanks mum and papa. Coz somewhere inside of me I knew that I had to do my best for others, erm, behave in a certain way, do as I was told, do what others wanted/expected - or in some way I would pay for it.
But ya know what - I pay for it anyway, just I have never realised it. What ever I do - theres consequences - a price to pay (Im not on about money) and that cost is always too dear.
Think its called survival.
So now, Im taking a step back - a huge one. I have too or Im gonna end up litterally killing myself.
I need to find the me that has been silenced over many years. And allow for me to be myself - the me , before I knew fear.
Im feeling calmer, and more leveled out. Im sad, but not overly so. Think I might go to relaxation class, this morning - something I dont usually do, coz too many people, and I get nervous in groups - but I reckon I will give it a try.
Things are far from ideal for me presently - However, today feels bearable. Bearable is good
dunno whats going on - my head is up to its usual tricks again. have to hide sometimes. cant really hide from myself and my own reality though can i. and that - that is what is so damn frustratingly scarey.
gotta get a grip - not sure how. sheeze if i can just figure it out - not all of it, just a small piece, then work on it from there.
balance needed. perspective diffinately needed. logic would be good instead of flying right off into one. whats real isnt real. thats what they say - but they are not me, i know what i hear and see is real to me.
starting to think that talking things through with the nurse most of the night wasnt a good idea - i feel even more insecure about myself now. maybe if i just let them help me instea of running away from them then things mu=ight stan a better chance of working out.
i dont know. im just so very tired of everything. i feel so shit.
Recent events, here amongst this community have shocked, hurt, upset and confused me.
And it upsets me even more that in such a caring, understanding, "safe" haven. That what has happened is not only tolerated, but is in a way encouraged.
So I get it - It is perfectly fine for a moderator to deceave, lie, use, fabricate stories, etc everyone for months on end. And have all the other moderators and administrators not only back him/her but also to dismiss feelings of genuine hurt from the people that have gotten hurt in this situation. And as if that isnt enough - the people that get hurt are TOLD to be supportive of what this moderator is going through.
It doesnt matter that because of this - people, members some that have been here for years, have been really affected by this and are questioning the safety of this site. It doesnt matter that "our" feelings are actually GENUINE. Ofcourse not.
This is playground stuff. Where the group of BULLIES intimidate those who are not as strong. Its very sad and dissapointing.
Well I am sorry guys - but seriously. I was bullied and silenced for many years. For many, many years my feelings did not matter. I had no choice but to do as I was told.
And NO - Im NOT that little girl anymore. I am me Sue - AKA SweetSue. I have grown. I may not be strong right now - but my gosh - if I am hurting because of something that has happened here. I am gonnna damn well express how I feel. Because I am a person too. And although they dont matter to some of you - my feelings have a right to be heard.
Yeah, I will support said moderater, because he/she is obviously hurting, and is very upset and is feeling so sorry for him/herself. Will I f**k as like.
Members have been banned for causing far less damage to this community. So I gotta ask. Why wasnt pseudome banned?
Is it coz he/she is a moderator. Oh yeah sorry I mean was. He/she resigned after great thought. Sheezus what was there to think about.
Yeah you couldnt believe how much "sympathy" I have for a person in a possition of trust - that takes advantage of that trust and hurts my friends.
incase its not obvious
I have No sympathy for pseudome. I will NOT be told to have sympathy. I am Sue - I have my own "eyes" and am not blinded by power.
But hey thanks everyone.
I KNOW who I am. And I am proud of me for finally allowing myself NOT to be bullied.