Dunno why I'm so happy today. I'm bouncing off the walls with the glee of a tweaker stumbling upon a cache of electronics and an extensive set of specialized screwdrivers.
Think somebody switched my wellbutrin with a tab of X. Might be that I took an abrupt break from drinking. Or that I'm getting stuff done today, the vitamin b shot I got on Thursday, starting meditation again, or starting to make peace with religion. Emphasis on the starting, still have a long way to go but talked to priest yesterday and he was again pointing out that God doesn't want to see us fall. And that it is okay to have doubts. Makes a lot more sense, I mean how can God really expect us to just bow down when he hides himself and doesn't heal amputees.
I was raised with God as basically the ultimate boss character of the universe, and you better dress your best and be respectful and rigid and don't dare step out of line or it's hellfire time. This about the god who said, "it's the sick who have need of a doctor." So at the time I just couldn't make it fit. Now I've got more confidence to make up my own mind and separate what makes sense from the nonsense.
Ingrained belief operates at a deeper level than critical thought as I noticed when the priest invites me to mass and my response is, "I'm wearing sneakers, how could I go to Church???." This when the priest who is in charge of the mass is saying hey come along. You'd think if anyone could waive the dress code it would be the MC. I actually really love mass too. Not being Catholic I haven't seen enough for it be boring and I really dig Catholic churches with all the marble and sculptures, stained glass and organs. Damn I love organs when the spine rattling bass notes come out. What other musical instrument uses an entire building as a soundboard?
The nonsense: do this don't do that god hates you if you drink or gamble, and FFS don't even THINK about sex unless you solely do it in the missionary position for the sole purpose of creation and even then you're not supposed to enjoy it:mad:. He's gonna burn you forever and ever unless you live exactly as I think you should and oh yeah gimme money. This is the stuff that inspires bumper stickers like, "God is great, but his fan club makes me nervous."
What makes sense is generosity and forgiveness and mercy and all that long haired hippie stuff, which as it turns out Jesus was a hippie long before Jerry Garcia and if your average right winger met Jesus on the street today would demonize Him as a socialist. This is not to say let's bash conservatives and build glorious liberal paradise and join hands singing Kumbaya, but maybe we could stop screaming at each other and recognize our shared humanity even if we don't make exactly the same lifestyle choices. Just a thought.
update later in the day... giddy feeling of oneness with the universe and all that totally faded and sunk into state of confusion later in the day. Realized I forgot to eat anything, probably just had low blood sugar. Neat. I don't experience hunger as hunger, I just start to feel my brain float away and I get to go through possible causes to find out what I forgot to do in self care. Pffft, bodies. Elegant, but so high maintenance.
I could really use some help. Things are going pretty damn well for me right now, but I still feel like shite. I think it might be guilt over stuff I did in the past. I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't cheat, steal, or even harass anyone. My sin was schadenfreude. I went through a phase where I took pleasure in watching or hearing about the horrific things happening to people that are not me. Somehow since then, probably because of getting sober, my empathy got turned back on and I am now disgusted with that side of myself. Yet I cannot change the past. I do stupid things when I drink, even stupider things when I drink and take cocaine. That's why I am quitting. There are many reasons, but this is one of the bigger ones.
This is a problem because the guilt over what I know is inside me is seeping out to other areas of my life. I'm not as patient as I was just a few months ago. I've turned from someone who loves to smile into an irritable grump who is quick to complain and I'm constantly judging my situation as this is good, that is bad, and so on. I try not to judge people, but that doesn't always stop me. I'm even driving more aggressively - it's like I don't know myself. That creates tremendous anxiety, and I'm afraid that this anxiety will become something I try to escape by behaving badly again. I don't want that. I don't want to go to that place again.
I want to drug myself into oblivion with every recreational substance I can get my hands on. I know where this leads though, and I don't like it, so I am trying to hold myself back. It's hard to do. Suicide is back at the front of my mind... for no reason whatsoever, except the pain is so much I feel like it's the only way to deal with it. I guess I should be glad I can still feel anything. When my depression gets really bad, I don't even feel the pain anymore. Want to do what I can to pull myself out of this before it reaches that point.
It hurts and I don't know why. I have a guess, but every time I think I've found a solution or had a valuable insight, I feel I've made progress for a little while, and then the demons are back.
Things have been going good in my life but I still feel like I've done something terrible or something terrible is about to happen. Maybe the consequence of something I've done that I forgot about. It's pure unmitigated anxiety - the kind that makes you sick before you are about to do something that is far outside of your comfort zone, except just breathing seems to make me nervous.
I am behaving better at least. Got some stuff done domestically, worked out with a guy I met at the bath house, and practiced bass a little. Felt OK for a bit of the day today, even had good concentration, which is a shock for me when it happens because I'm used to being scatterbrained.
So that was nice, but now it's back into physical and emotional pain that nobody IRL can be arsed to care about. I've been invalidated so many times, I'm starting to doubt myself, but if no one minds my pain, how can anyone say it's wrong to commit suicide? If I'm worthless let me go; if I'm not then stop treating me like I don't matter.
I've been setting and achieving short term goals lately to see if I'd feel anything. I don't. It's a little satisfying to cross something off the to do list but most of the time I feel like an impostor. Normal day to day stuff has no interest for me. I want to get high even though I know that wouldn't solve anything. There's nothing to solve...I just want it to stop hurting.
I am starting to see more of my own cognitive distortions. For a while I've been resisting getting better, but I think I'm finally growing up. I don't want to be 50 years old and still pulling this needy, "I'm broken" act. As an adult it's my job to get my act together and there are no excuses because there is no authority. There is cause and effect. If I sit around feeling sorry for myself I can get the result of that, or I can look for solutions. Hopefully this time I can hold on to this insight.
It's funny how life seems to keep throwing the same lesson at me until I learn it. The answer is there, but I tend to miss it if it isn't the answer I expect (confirmation bias). Meditation is one way to become conscious of habits that have become so normal I no longer even notice I'm doing them.
I don't know why, but right now I feel more depressed than I have in a long time. Possibly ever, although I have been suicidal before, and I am not suicidal now. I am experiencing waves of absolute hopelessness that just engulf me out of the blue. I used to not be able to understand how someone could be so depressed that they couldn't work or even get out of bed. Now I understand.
Possibly it's because I stopped exercising, so I started that again today. No improvement after a workout though, guess I need to give it more time. I'm concerned about this because there is only so long this can go on before I do start having thoughts of escape. I'm doing everything in my power to reverse it, though, including this journal entry. I wish I knew what I was here for, so that I could just get it done and over with. Why is this so hard to figure out?
So it's 2012. I think I've been taking my career too seriously due to anxiety. That plus bad economic news makes me think I'm hanging by a thread and just one bad decision away from homelessness. This causes me to freak out over every day hardships, random bills that come in higher than expected. More money, more problems; no money, more problems still. To paraphrase The Shins - a patient me would never give it more than a frowning hour, but loss has conquered me. Loss of job in 2008 that I never got over, loss of normality in relationship. Never felt like I belonged or that anything was stable. Hence thoughts of suicide.
However thanks to help from people here I realized it wasn't ending life that I wanted; I probably wanted life more intensely than ever in my depression. It's just that the change I desired seems out of reach and I have struggled to overcome learned helplessness ever since I realized there could be an alternative way.
Then there is the opposite current, the cheerful me, the creative one. The me that comes out when I am not alone, but still allowed to be myself without concern about status or networking or strategizing for the future. The me that I am performing on stage, or that I am when spoiling my niece. So it would seem the solution is to find more opportunities to be the positive one and avoid the situations where I will feel like a victim of a Kafkaesque dystopia.
It is there that I am stuck. Opportunities to be creative cost money, which means I have to play the game of being the corporate climber in order to have the occasional opportunity to travel and see my loved ones or to work on my musicianship to get back to the point where I could join up with a new band. Then again, the demands of full time careerism consume energy that is needed for more satisfying pursuits. Next step then is to figure that out.
For the past year my brain and heart have been going through the grief process of accepting that I have a mental illness. If I look back I was going through the denial, bargaining, guilt/fear, and anger over the fact that I'm not like normal people. I'm still not sure if it's depression or something else. I have all the symptoms of depression and that's my most common diagnosis, but at the same time I've been diagnosed with anxiety multiple times and done years of work to get through my PTSD problems. Last week my therapist said she thinks I have significant ADHD issues as well, although she only works with childhood ADHD not adults. This is a lot to come to terms with.
I have always had concerns about ADHD because of my problems planning, managing time, etc, and even this is why I joined this site in the first place, but I had just gotten used to the idea that it was all anxiety/depression when one Xanax got me to a normal feeling after a panic attack, and this was the first time since college I didn't feel my emotions were out of whack with reality.
For the moment though, it seems like acceptance is the only way I'm going to move forward. I can't change it, and no matter how hard I try to control all the moving pieces in my world, I can't do much if I'm wasting energy complaining about the way things are. Noticing a problem and troubleshooting it is one thing, but fighting the nature of reality is taking an admirable tendency too far. Taking things too far seems to be my preferred M.O. At least that has been stable in my life. So the trick now is either to learn how to set and respect my own limits, or find a way to use my tenacious tendencies as a strength.
I have no clue if this will stick. I'll probably change my mind about all this in a couple weeks. I wonder if that is normal, which has been my question for the past few weeks... is this normal.
Whether it's problems scheduling/procrastination (is this something everyone deals with or do I really have a problem here) or wondering what ever I will do if I get laid off at 50 like some people have - is it even possible to mitigate that risk - I feel lost without a standard of what is normal, what is excellent, and what is a problem.
In conclusion my current direction is to practice acceptance that I'm just different from my normal thinking peers and figure out if I can use that to my advantage. If I'm lucky, my career will take care of itself as long as I am comfortable with who I am and I know what I want to do. Neither of these conditions do I meet yet, so I guess my work is cut out for me.
Boyfriend came and went, had a good visit and not depressed now although I feel the pain of separation. If I stay sober today then it will be 15 days clean. I really, really want to get smashed but don't want the hangover and don't want alcohol to interfere with my meds, so I am going to stay clean and see after thirty days whether my mood symptoms improve or not.
When I am not suicidal I start thinking of what my life should be about. You know if it's not going to be about dying at a relatively young age, it should be about something more than just work, buy, consume, die, as the bumper sticker so aptly puts US lifestyle.
But what is there to live for? Lost my interests due to depression, working on recovering those, but still doesn't seem a reason to live - just for music or some other pleasure. I guess this can work for the particularly talented but I am not one of them. Wrote a plan here a while ago, need to find that and see how I'm doing. Need to learn how to plan in general. Gets overwhelming as soon as I try when I have tried recently. Well, current plan is to hit the gym and get active to prevent depression from coming back. Then assess strengths and somehow get laundry done. Every once in a while I feel like I can get through this. I'm trying to train myself to think like that more often.
If humans are social creatures what happens to the ones that don't have any group to be a part of? I never felt like I fit in, no matter how many groups I experimented with. I don't fit in with the straights cause I'm gay, but can't fit in with the gays because I'm too quiet. I get that a lot. And people are always scared of the quiet ones since there must be something wrong with you if you don't feel the need to jabber incessantly. No, seriously it makes people uncomfortable and I know this so I try to make nice with small talk but it feels like lying. As a result I don't make friends too easily and I find myself wandering away from groups out of awkwardness. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life if I can't connect to people. This is one of those times.
I am not okay. I don't know where else I can say that so I'm putting it here. I'm thinking more about suicide lately. I'll go for a few hours thinking it's the only way out, and the obvious solution, then I'll switch and think that was crazy, how could I be considering suicide. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are playing tug of war with my head.
Triggering event was visit with pdoc to discuss ADHD meds. This did not go well and I left feeling insulted, berated, and hopeless about getting effective treatment for my condition.
I now believe my ADHD is the cause of my depression and anxiety. This would explain why my depression was "treatment resistant" since we were never getting at the root cause and only dealing with the after effects of the real problem.
I left pdoc's office with some Strattera samples. Great, something that costs me $5/pill and takes six weeks to start working. Six weeks of dealing with side effects just to find out if it's going to help enough to be worth it. Hope I still have my job by then. I'm so frustrated.
Obviously I can try another doc, and that was my therapist's recommendation. I'm going to do that, and maybe get a 3rd or even 4th opinion. Heck maybe Strattera will be fine for me and this will all become a moot point, except for how will I afford it? I'm tired of living like this though. I am running out of ways to compensate for my symptoms. If I don't get some relief soon, I am going to get my affairs in order and say goodbye. Wonder if it's too late to buy life insurance?
It hurts so bad. I wish I could explain but stupid words won't work for me right now.
I want to go but I don't have the guts. Yet I have the guts to live with the fact that I would hurt those closest to me simply to escape. I don't know how I sleep at night. Oh yeah, I don't. Unless I forgive myself, just for this moment. Maybe I can escape without hurting them. Will they even notice? Will it ever stop? Will I ever feel safe?
1 week into working on learning a full song to get my music practice started up again, and to experiment with setting and meeting goals. So far have the basic riffs for verse and chorus down, can play a couple of the fills and the bridge. Next week need to learn the rest of the fills. There's a part at the end which I really miss being able to play. I used to know every note of this song but I've had to relearn it.
Mentally/emotionally things have been not good but not bad. Anxiety a big problem lately causing me to avoid and procrastinate. Starting to feel tired of self discipline. Extremely lonely and realizing this level of isolation is unsustainable. I'm handling it right now but I can tell it's a matter of time before I either find a way to feel like I belong somewhere or I decide I don't belong anywhere.
Depression has gotten worse and I've been isolating more. I could call a friend but don't want them to see me like this. I don't like socializing anyway. It always leaves me feeling like I've done something wrong, like I've embarrassed myself. I don't like being alone either, though, at least not this much. I also don't even like myself, which is part of why I don't like socializing - I can't convince someone to like me when I don't like me.
I don't like myself because I failed at managing my career. I never planned for life because I was planning suicide, but I chickened out. Actually I tried once but even failed at that. The second time I chickened out. I've come to believe that doing so is wrong though, so I've given up on killing myself although I have been as far as making plans and deciding on a method.
By not planning, I've fallen far short of my potential and had to relocate away from my friends in order to find work. Well, I didn't have to, but because I cannot plan I end up wherever the wind takes me, it seems. I didn't know it would be this hard to find work after graduating with a business degree. Don't get me wrong I am fully thankful for the fact that I have a well paying job in this economy, but then again I sacrificed everything that was good in my life in order to get here, all because I have no flippin clue what the hell I'm doing in the professional world when I come from a white trash family.
So, where to go from this? Only thing I can do is try to make myself better so that I can like myself, no small challenge. At the moment it seems spirituality is the way to do this as spirituality calls us to be better versions of ourselves. Then again that's hard work so who knows if I will stick with it. Spirituality also turns out to be a crock for some and I am more like that type than not. It's just that I'm in so much pain right now that I don't see other options aside from self destruction which would make me hate myself more. To be honest, I'm lost and grasping at whatever seems to fit the bill for the moment.
I stumbled across an old blog from July 2012 that I wrote. I had to re read it because I could have written it yesterday. I thought I started in February this year, turns out it was longer ago than that. Still struggling to stay sober, still a lot of depression around loneliness and where I've ended up in life. Not getting anywhere in over a year. I need to change something, but I'm not sure what.
I've identified that I am both mad at my father for leaving me, and mad at myself for being basically a failure at life. I'm not sure how else to put it. I want to live, but not like this.
I'm getting better and have been doing really well lately. Less isolation, more exercise, stopped drinking (again). Sobriety is my focus right now, because drinking messes everything else up. I can either have the things that I value, or alcohol. It shouldn't be a tough choice, but it is. Even though it's threatening to kill me, I really really love drinking. I don't love hangovers though. I don't enjoy the panic attacks that follow a day of drinking, and the two days of lost productivity that I spend trying to regain homeostasis following a binge. My drinking had really gotten out of control. I used to say my drinking was ok because it wasn't like I was taking down an entire fifth (750mL) of vodka in a night. Well I blew past that benchmark taking down a handle (1.75L) in two nights with some beer besides.
I'm doing a web course that's based on proven methods for stopping addiction. I feel different about alcohol now. During prior quit attempts I would have obsessive cravings for alcohol that happened over and over again. Since starting this course, I've only had a few passing thoughts in a day. I just don't think about it as much. I'm busy thinking about other things, such as my future with my partner and I'm trying to be more self disciplined. I need to be self disciplined in order to lose the weight that I gained from heavy drinking over the past year. Next I need to work on my diet and my procrastination habit. I'm also studying Buddhism a lot and that is helping me with my depression. It's difficult to explain but I've gotten better at accepting what I cannot change and more compassionate towards myself and others. This leaves me with more peace in my mind.
I cannot say how long this will last, but I want to enjoy it while it does.
Take that, required title! If I have to write something, it might as well sound like lyrics from an emo band.
I am oscillating though. Sometimes everything's fine then next minute it feels like it would be so much easier to finally.. give.. up. I realized if I quit taking my meds I'd probably be back in that place of feeling suicidal again. This is not without its charms. Oblivion. It's what I wanted out of alcohol, after all. So attractive to me but I know it would hurt others.
Instead I'm trying to push myself to get better and making progress but in the bad times it feels like such a damned chore. Yeah I'm not in a concentration camp or famine-struck, civil war routed, godforsaken desert so I should count my blessings, shut up and be responsible. Whatever that means.
I'm not being sarcastic; I genuinely feel guilty that I've basically got all I need, but am a different person on meds than off and I don't want to deal with that. I've asked other people not to give up so I guess this is my opportunity to learn what I was really suggesting. I am not sure I'm going to make any more suggestions for a while.
I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I checked in here. I am doing okay circumstantially, but inside my head it's a nightmare. Been off and on with the alcohol and other forms of self medication, six weeks sober but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while. I found myself today wishing I could get some disease that kills quickly so I could just get it over with and not add in the stigma of suicide. Sorry to be so direct but I'm so tired of trying to put a positive spin on it.
I'm taking slightly better care of myself today, eating real food instead of junk and laying off the alcohol. I drank a lot this past week which probably explains my worsening depression. I tried to force myself to get busy and felt a little better but eventually I felt overwhelmed and had to lay down for a while. I hate not being able to get stuff done but evidently I needed to take a time out for sanity's sake. Lately I've been feeling down about life itself, not anything in particular. Everything seems to be pointless even though I don't have any real problems except for isolation.
Working on why/how to live. If I am so afraid to die for nothing then there must be something I want to live for. Coming up blank on the usual candidates such as family, service, making the world a better place, etc. All seems fake or nice to think about but no follow through when I try to do it. When I try to figure it out it's like something I can't face yet is in the way, trying to get my attention but I know there is pain in it so I shy away. It feels like something and nothing at the same time. Fear of the unfeeling, losing contact with emotion and then having emotions about the lack of emotion.
It doesn't make sense, but in a way I don't mind. I'm not lost I'm exploring. Yeah. That's it. I could be rapidly approaching the point where I finally take my medicine so to speak and face the shards of memories stalking my awareness. Some of them are good, which holds my attention. It's like reaching through broken glass for something beautiful, but I don't know how to grasp it. Panic is just around the corner, but I am familiar enough with it that I can manage it now.
I am hearing the music again. Practicing more, sometimes just riffing on scales and every once in a while I'll play something that doesn't seem to be me, but the music coming through me. The reason I play is that it calms my racing thoughts, but to get good music out of my instrument every so often is kind of nice too.
Day 5 of operation liver break is mostly wrapped up, now my first weekend.
Without alcohol I am feeling altered, even though I'm technically sober. Right now I'm having racing thoughts and cannot concentrate for long enough to write much without it descending into tangent after tangent. Sometimes I'm ecstatic, and other times I am very frightened.
One thing though is that I don't feel suicidal for a change and that has led me to see what the benefit of being suicidal is: Invulnerability. Caring about life brings hope but it also brings worry. Something bad might happen but something good might happen too. I think there is more to it than that but its not resolved for me yet.
Been numb for a few days, usually means calm before the storm. Feel like I'm sliding today. Suicidal thoughts, practically used to this by now.
Trigger seems to be thinking of the future. Plenty of reasons to worry.
Feel better when I find ways to be creative. Seems strange. Used to thinking of creativity as a luxury, or a gift you either have or you don't. Now it's something I have to practice, or else dark thoughts take over.
Then again, maybe the dark thoughts have their place. Still ambivalent; trying to be optimistic but at the same time feeling fake for trying to look like I have a direction when in fact I'm lost.
...but nobody said it would be this hard
I'm happy that I have been able to overcome the urge to drink for half a month now. Today is day 16. I guess I'm counting days because I want to see how long I can go without a drink. Since I decided to quit on a weekend, as the first few days tend to be the easiest and weekends were when I failed before, I have almost made it through my third whole weekend without drinking. I'm worried about the fact that I'm thinking about it as "making it through" a certain amount of time, as if it were a jail sentence or some sort of catastrophe where bare survival is the best that could be hoped for.
I'm surprised that my depression has gotten significantly worse. It feels like the whole world is ending, or has ended and I'm childishly hanging on to an imaginary yesterday. I hate myself for feeling so down when I really have so much to be thankful for. I read some quote that happiness is appreciating what you have, instead of what you don't. That hit me hard because of the fact that I'm aware most of my unhappiness is related to bitterness about being abandoned. That is, I'm focused what I don't have and didn't have, a healthy relationship with my father, nor safety growing up as the person who my mom allowed to move in after the divorce was by far more violent than my dad was.
Yet I'm safe now. I made it out okay. I just can't seem to get that through to my emotional side.
I know that the standard advice is to forgive and move on, and I've really tried to do that, but I haven't figured out how to move on yet. It's not as simple as wanting to. It's not as easy as weighing pros and cons to make a decision, as if it were as straightforward as buying a certain brand of coffee maker or laundry detergent.
Given the choice, I cannot see how I would have opted to have ever been born. I suppose this is why I'm in such a hurry to die. Drinking and drug use has always been a form of slow suicide for me anyway. One that wouldn't even be detected as suicide.
Seems most of my symptoms have gone physical. I can use the CBT stuff I am learning to avoid panicking mentally right now, but I still will experience rapid heart rate, dizziness, sweating and the rest. Also overreacting to outside stuff, getting scared by loud noises that are part of everyday city life.
Learning that relaxation is an art. I have to take some time to proactively relax instead of reacting to anxiety and trying to cope all the time. Went for a bike ride today and found myself near a pond that had some ducks. I felt much better for that moment. Also using hot water such as shower or hot tub to unwind. Should probably try sauna at the gym too.
I've been drinking too much and that is probably driving a good deal of my panic. Time to back off again, which I don't like because I really love all types of beverages but I'm not sure the hangovers and emotional problems are worth it. How can I be so sensitive to alcohol when others seem to have a glass of wine with dinner without a minor crisis.
OTOH I am doing better at taking care of myself and even had the presence of mind to call my boyfriend this morning when I was feeling a little dissociated, which can lead to panic if I let it snowball on me. So with meditation, yoga, eating better, getting therapy plus self help I feel like I'm putting forth a strong effort. I would like to have better results right now but I guess I have to be patient. Using lists for time management and gotten from maybe 30% follow through to about 60% in terms of probability I will do something given that it's on my list. It is a little hard to deal with the fact that just because I think I can do something in 10 minutes doesn't necessarily mean it will happen that fast. Always forget about setup and takedown effort.
Struggling with typical objections: I'm too old, not good enough, shouldn't be so self centered, but I have read this is the same stuff that comes up whenever a human being tries to change, for example finding a new career. So that is evidence I'm normal. Phew. Could use a little normality for a change.
Not sure what to do about feeling too selfish. Planning to volunteer with an organization I like after info session Jan 3, but that's not the kind of selflessness I had in mind. I really need to figure out how to be more thoughtful, more sensitive to the needs of others around me. Trying to figure that out has been behind at least some of the anxiety as well. How can one be sensitive to the normal people?
I'm still taking a break from alcohol. This is my tenth week without it. I've not been entirely sober during that time, but I'm working on cutting down the other substances too. The more distance I get from alcohol, the more I start to feel like the real "me." My old interests are starting to come back. Just a little, but noticeable.
My innate cheerfulness is also starting to come back, which is something I want to cultivate. I used to be super happy when I was a kid. Back then my happiness didn't depend on how others treated me or my material achievements. I had unconditional happiness; I was pretty much okay with whatever came, and I didn't worry about how to survive tomorrow or ten years down the road.
What changed had nothing to do with how others treated me, although it does provide a convenient excuse. What really happened is I lost any sense that I belonged in the world, and instead saw myself as a worthless extra piece the world had no use for. This creates an enormous amount of anxiety: feeling that you don't belong, and that there is nowhere that you do belong. In this light it's easy to see my thoughts turning to suicide as a solution, in fact the only solution. Yet I'm fighting this because somewhere in the back of my mind is this intuition that life is precious, not to be wasted.
If I want this to change I am going to have to figure out how and where I belong. This is daunting. What do you do when you are overwhelmed with life, the universe, and everything?
Thursday scored a gram of coke impulsively. Friend who I did it with last time said he was getting a bag did I want one too. I weighed the pros and cons, and clearly this would not be a good idea. My response, "I'm in, how soon can I come over?" The whole time I'm waiting my conscience is like, don't do it don't do it don't do it... except I knew that if I didn't I would just be obsessing over it for weeks until I broke down.
Shoved the whole bag up my nose over the course of the night and went through over a liter of vodka. I know this because I ended up going out to get more after killing the first bottle and made a little tick mark on the calendar for each shot that I poured. I miss being able to wake up and remember how many drinks I took.
This is not my normal behavior, and it was a dangerous amount of drugs given my current tolerance. Spent Friday coming down off the powder and wondering if I was having a heart attack at the same time. My hangover from the vodka just started... ouch.
Looking back this had nothing to do with fun. This was a suicide rehearsal. I'm training myself to overdose so that I won't think about it and chicken out once I've decided to do it for real. Coming down though, I thought I was going to die, and I wasn't too happy about it. Not that I wanted to personally live but that I felt guilty for being selfish. What if I had died - would my friend feel responsible? How could I do this to my boyfriend?
Why is a dangerous question to ask though. There is always more than one way to look at it. Possibly god was trying to get my attention, or I was trying to reach god by flirting with death. Either way, it seems like it worked. I saw a few things that could be real or not, but seem real to me. I have a hard time putting it in words though since it comes out sounding wrong.
The best I can say is that I'd been confused about what to believe, when everyone claims to speak for god but then they all disagree and end up killing each other. So far it looks like God doesn't make demands. That stuff about god being jealous looks like an error to me. How could perfect love be jealous? How can the organizing principle of the universe become angered, or feel disrespected? That is human projection. God is characterized in the Bible as some sort of imperial conqueror (King of kings/lord of lords), but also the bible says god is love. What I've learned from this experience is that I can either tune that in or tune it out. It's my choice.
You'd think the choice would be obvious, but it's not. Otherwise everyone would always do the right thing. It's a big responsibility to have a soul and sometimes it feels overwhelming trying to care fore oneself let alone others. So we run away, and then regret it and come back for as long as the lesson is remembered, then forget and run away again. Luckily, love is also patient. I would like to be more patient with myself.