Bear with me: this is likely to be fairly long. First, I want to list a series of "developmental deficits" that I perceive in myself. I define these as areas where I fell "behind" others, or did not develop to my full potential, due to my struggles with social anxiety, particularly in my younger years. The list is inherently subjective, but I believe the list itself is fairly accurate. What I'm not sure of are the degree and importance of the impairments. The first deficit is a direct result
So yes, I've once again said it all in the title: this blog update is long overdue. However, the problem is that I could either deal in trifles, because really, not much has changed about external things like the divorce, or rather the post-divorce appeals, or I could delve deeply into labyrinths of my psyche (two Greek words that, taken together, probably mean that I won't.) For one thing, there isn't enough time tonight. Maybe tomorrow. How's that for a teaser? ;-)
Boyfriend came and went, had a good visit and not depressed now although I feel the pain of separation. If I stay sober today then it will be 15 days clean. I really, really want to get smashed but don't want the hangover and don't want alcohol to interfere with my meds, so I am going to stay clean and see after thirty days whether my mood symptoms improve or not. When I am not suicidal I start thinking of what my life should be about. You know if it's not going to be about dying at a relatively
So much in my head right now. Depression is really bad atm but I have enough CBT tools now to cope with it and still have it there but at least able to talk back to the destructive thoughts. Also have music coming through which is a good thing. Should practice more, maybe I could get the music out of my head and into an instrument. Still have a lot of fatigue from depression and thinking too much. Thinking about suicide often but refuting those thoughts. I don't want to face my maker quite yet.
I can feel depression trying to take over, but it is not going to. Meds have put a floor on my emotions so that the waves only go so far before they recede again. Before getting on the right meds, the waves knocked me down and put me under water. I'm sure meditation is also helping with this. I want this to hold up until Friday so that I don't go crazy and act self destructive again. It's good to feel not so crazy for a while.
I'm trying to have a social life by hanging out with a few friends instead of isolating at home. For the most part this is going OK. During the whole time though, I feel like I'm under this invisible cloud that is constantly warning me something bad is going to happen or I'm going to do something wrong. I feel more morally supported when I spend time with others. It is easy for me to slip into bad behavior when I isolate. When people are around I kind of want to be a better person in order to b
I’m continuing to get used to living day-to-day, more and more interested in what’s going on around me than my internal “mental” or emotional misery and confusion. I can see better now that what I thought years ago was ineffective or harmful therapy actually was. I don’t yet see how to take my experiences and turn them into something that will be useful or helpful for others. The topic for my support group meeting last night was “turning it over”. So – I guess I can do that. Little by litt
Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. Hopefully it will be better than if I did drink. I know I usually regret it if I give in to temptation, but then I just feel left out when I don't. Right now I'm scattered which is not unusual lately. Luckily have been able to sleep well which I look forward to. Depression feels less intense when dreaming
Will be putting a blue Tomos ST on lay-away starting in August. Any model more expensive and I won't be able to get it paid off by 04/01/2013. $1,660 delivered is really pushing it too. People these days get Scooters confused for Mopeds. As you'll see, they're NOT the same. Moped: www.tomosusa.com/pages/model/st Scooter: www.tomosusa.com/pages/model/nitro50 I have a Birthday to attend to in June and I have to buy a Laptop in July.
My therapist says I still have trauma to work through, on account of I can't talk about it without crying. I should be able to talk about it like you talk about a failed relationship, apparently, as in expressing sorrow that it happened but not choking up just to mention it. Thought I'd gotten over this. I need some kind of motivation to reconnect with reality. Going to up the meditation for now. That seems to have a preventative effect. Lately I've been feeling incredibly scattered, like my br
I'll know Monday whether or not I do. The last Ground's Keeper quit. Once I found out I was in the Leasing Office sucking up to the Manager Miss Terri. The Regional Manager Miss Kellie will decide. I'll need to buy me what I call a "Coochie Grabber" because I'm NOT picking up trash with my bare hands.
Luke Skywalker was training one day with Master Yoda when the latter gave a deep loud sigh. Luke: "What is the matter, Master? Did you feel a disturbance in the Force?" Yoda, irritably: "Judge me by my sighs, do you?" Okay, now that I have you in a mood of heartfelt gratitude, because the joke is over, I have another one. Apparently, I won the appeal that my ex filed against the financial award in our divorce, and the whole insane motion recounted in my last blog entry was dismissed without
It's nice to have every once in a while a day of normal emotions, based on things happening in the present but not too high and not too low. I'm trying to stop beating myself up and noticing I do it a lot. If I treat myself that way how can I know I wouldn't treat others that way? Inside my mind is every mean thing I have turned inward and could easily turn outward if I didn't know better. Practicing different habits of thinking, at least for now.
That’s the third stage of therapy for trauma according to my therapist. I’m mostly at the start of that stage although I sometimes I seem to slip back to the second stage, “remembrance and mourning”. I’ve got all my feelings now, I hope. Today I went to a Waffle House while my car was being worked on. It’s a chain restaurant here in the U.S. with a lot of hustle and bustle – that is, a lot of activity. I felt very alive in there. I had some interaction and exchanged humor with some of the s
Had to make a trip to Columbia City but it was worth it. Miss Rhonda was reassigned to the Columbia City Bowen Center. The Bowen Center got a new Nurse Practitioner for Tele-Med who's a Dingbat and a half. Miss Rhonda increased my Cymbalta from 60mg to 90mg a day. Miss Rhonda asked if I started working. I told her what's the point and that I'd have to start a business. Miss Rhonda asked what kind of business I'd have and I said a Cougar Strip Joint.
Images may be creative energy that is not being expressed, then finds an outlet in the darkest quadrant of my emotional life. It would explain why they are alternately terrifying and compelling. Then again a number of possibilities could explain that. I feel like I'm getting closer. I must make friends with the images or they will continue to trouble me. Shit they are there no matter how weird that is so I might as well learn how to work with them. And I have no excuses now because my meds are
I did to find out who I am and what my place in society is. As I peered into my pupils I thought about my entire past. My place isn't to be friends with anyone. My place isn't to have a so-called normal life. My place in society is to be violent. I was bred, born, and raised to be violent. Desensitized by violence in the home and on tv beginning at the toddler stage. I'm comfortable in a violent environment. I don't excel at much but I do when it comes to violence, glorious violence. At least I'
The bad person feeling is still “around” but kind of in the background. Writing here helped my rationality stay a speck in the background when bad person took over. That’s been an issue for about the last year. Rationality could acknowledge bad person but when bad person took over, it could not acknowledge rationality. I guess maybe when rationality acknowledged bad person and evil person, it gained some strength – the strength of understanding, maybe, since that is what it is about? – and so
Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a few months, and so much as happened. I've been blogging on the site tumblr. If you have one, follow me and send me an ask telling me you're from here! http://kayxa.tumblr.com/ I miss this community and everyone on here, I'd love to know how everyone is doing though! (:
FedEx delivered my KWA Beretta M93R Machine Pistol. I named it "Little Bastard". The M93R spits bbs out in semi-auto, 3rd-burst, and full-auto. Perfect for target shooting outdoors or indoors.
I brush my hair and a fistful of hair is left in my brush. I wash my hair and a fistful of hair is washed down the drain. When I was a teenager and young adult I had very thick hair, so thick I needed extra big elastics to put it in a pony tail. So thick that banana clips wouldn't hold it. Now my hair is very thin. I am shocked when I run my fingers through it at how thin it has gotten. So I find myself wondering if I am going to be bald or will this hair loss stop at some point? Is this
Woke up to internet issues at 2am. Something was totally fubar at Microsoft. My Case Manager Miss Melanie took me shopping for the entire month. After buying groceries I still havd $80 on my foodstamp card. Couldn't figure out why until I got home. When I go to withdraw my check at the Bank, I seperate the cash into stacks for various things. Ended up spending the cash that I was supposed to set aside for things like medication. Went back to Wal-Mart and straightened that out. I'll be glad to pa
