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I don't know why, but right now I feel more depressed than I have in a long time. Possibly ever, although I have been suicidal before, and I am not suicidal now. I am experiencing waves of absolute hopelessness that just engulf me out of the blue. I used to not be able to understand how someone could be so depressed that they couldn't work or even get out of bed. Now I understand. Possibly it's because I stopped exercising, so I started that again today. No improvement after a workout though, gu
Today was awful day.My brother went completely crazy and he hurt my mother and kicked me at the stomach and now my stomach hurts a lot.I just cant take this anymore
Perhaps the most consistent and consequential error of my life has been failing to look to the future. I get very caught up in the drama, misery, inertia and fleeting pleasures of today without regard to tomorrow. When you don't feel that drive, that hunger, it is hard to gaze at the horizon and envision a better day. A big factor is accepting that good things can happen, that it won't all be wasted effort.
So I was cruising along and whomp! life hit me. Normal ups and downs? Maybe. But I'm really struggling right now. I don't feel right, it feels like my thoughts are bizarre, or reality is bizarre and I'm normal; I don't know which. I just know there seems to be a me "out there" that doesn't much resemble the me "in here." Does that make any sense? No sliding towards suicidal ideation as would be my normal pattern. I believe I have the meds to thank for that, but I see my own train of thoughts and
Sometimes not caring feels so good. Today was one of those days. I truly don't care. It's not like I want anything bad to happen, I just don't care if it does. Same goes for good things. Don't care either way. Because it's all bullshit and none of it matters. It's a very freeing attitude and brought me right into the moment. People get you to care and that's how they hook you. Not anymore...
Why is it so hard to get a new start? Why do feel chained to the past? Why am I always worried? How come just living each day is so hard? Are some people just cursed? Are some people not meant for happiness? Here are a few things I felt good about today: I got my 20 year old lawn mower started, I went for a slow jog, i did isometrics, I are red pepper and spinach, I took vitamins, i ran errands, had coffee w a friend at a new shoppe that I found that we both liked, I didn't do anything stupid l
Just wanted to say hi to everyone who reads this. I haven't been around in a while because I've been doing pretty well. After recovering from a deep depression back in November, I am still dealing with some depression, but managing it. I'm also doing modules on ADHD with my therapist that are really difficult for me, but it seems to be helping with a lot of my tendencies toward not getting stuff done and not being organized. I'm also taking steps to make my long distance relationship a short dis
Once there was a man who was a box tender. Now, you might not think that boxes need much tending, and in a sense, you'd be right. Individually, a box is fairly self-sufficient and well suited to its basic function, which is to enclose something. But in large groups, the situation becomes more complicated. When there are different boxes, you have to keep the different kinds separate. You have to keep them lined up in neat little rows, with their labels facing out so people know which box they
I am not sure what the point of this post is, except for some reason I feel like I need to do an update. Past couple months have been ok, not great but not terrible. More than I deserve to ask for so I'll take it. The good was visiting my partner and I also seem to be making some progress on a previously intractable problem at work. The bad is that I've relapsed, and I'm reconsidering sobriety, as in, maybe I just can't do this... I'll always be a drunk and if I don't kill myself in a wreck or O
This riddle came to me around the time I woke up this morning. 1. Find the person with the shortest name. 2. Challenge them to a fight. 3. Wager everything you possess, and all your wisdom and strength. 4. Fight. 5. Lose. This will give you all you desire. How? Answer: The person with the shortest name is "I". Okay, weird, I know, and maybe logically flawed somewhere. But I didn't really "compose" it, it came to me, so I just thought I would put it here and see what folks thought.
Okay, that was rather a longer gap than I prefer ... First news, I guess, is that I got a part time, minimum wage job at the beginning of November at a locally-owned chain of food/everything stores, working in the "hard goods" department, which is basically everything except food and clothing: housewares, hardware, sporting goods, toys ... Needless to say, the toy section of any large store at Christmas time is not the place to learn about the Christmas spirit. It's a bit embarrassing, given w
I just want to sleep and stop thinking about me,my family.Im just so tired.Its like I dont live,because I feel so lonely and worthless.I dont feel like myself anymore.
I am continuing to improve following my little crisis. Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm a little nervous about that, but the longer I wait, the worse the nervousness will get. Not sure how to explain myself to coworkers, can't very well state the truth as people will not understand. Just have to hold my head up and get through it somehow. Monitoring how I feel very closely. Denial of what was going on inside me is what got me into a crisis state in the first place.
I just cause problems for the people I am staying with. I think after about a week they are just sick of me. I should go away from everyone. Nobody can stand me and I can't stand the loneliness. So the solution is for me to just stop my existence. It's not fair that everyone gets to yell at me for any screw up I do, but if I complain about anyone else's screw up that affects me, well, I am just being a jerk. I don't want to play any more. Society does not need me. I should just drop out. There i
I could really use some help. Things are going pretty damn well for me right now, but I still feel like shite. I think it might be guilt over stuff I did in the past. I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't cheat, steal, or even harass anyone. My sin was schadenfreude. I went through a phase where I took pleasure in watching or hearing about the horrific things happening to people that are not me. Somehow since then, probably because of getting sober, my empathy got turned back on and I am now disgusted
Gosh how time goes by without realising it! A LOTTTTT has happened this past 6 months or so. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!!!! Ive been stable and off medication, since March Managed to get the perfect job, and hold it down - shock horror! Then in July I found out I was pregnant - again. a bit of a shock to say the least, especially as just 8 weeks later I gave birth - to the most beautiful little girl . So now Im on maternity leave. It was real scarey for a while, whilst Social Services ass
So I am up to 19 weeks sober and feeling pretty good about that. I'm making progress with re-learning how to take care of myself, and that is helping me maintain a state where I don't feel like I need substances to escape. For now I seem to be on an upward spiral, which is the end result of some months and years of effort to get better. Which to me, was not a choice, I could only get better or remain miserable. I had to take the chance or my suffering would go nowhere and do nobody any good. I
Im tired of everything,everyone and most Im tired of myself.I want just to sleep in my bed and dont go anywhere.Im so angry and I dont even know why.........
There is a horror movie called Hellraiser that I have watched over and over again. The reason is it fits the feeling in my own mind. Specifically the second one. The first two were masterpieces. The rest of the series, not so much. One of the themes woven through the story is that of desire, agony, and ecstasy. Are they truly different, or are they in the end all the same? Another theme is sympathy for the devil. That is, the main character of the story is a demon called Pinhead, who has an inte
