This is a story from one of the Panda Warrior's later teachings. And despite the fact that I'm in the middle of another story, this one claims that now is the time for it to be told. Long ago, in the days before stories, there lived a man, and that man's name was Heerow. He lived on the grasslands at the foot of Sacred Mountain. This man Heerow was not a happy man. Though life on the grasslands was easy, he found himself trapped between Do and DoNot. These two were at war constantly within h
Still improving. I was able to cook for myself a couple times this week. That's always a good sign; it means I have the energy to take care of myself. Wish I could normalize my sleep now. Having problems with insomnia and then not wanting to get up when I finally do get to sleep. I signed up for a keyboarding class through parks and recreation which hopefully will get me out and meeting people who share my interest in music. Have almost a social life now, nothing going on during the weekends bu
OK, its been ages since ive been here or infact since ive been on a computer - but it seems somewhere along the line one of the computers i last used had a virus..... and has been sending out e-mails using my address. So sorry to anyone who has recieved one of these e-mails, and i hope that they werent too annoying or offensive in anyway. Gonna try and stop it happening in future - somehow Gotta love the internet, but some things are just so frustrating i could scream! Take care all
Still doing better; depression is affecting me, but I'm on top of it. Trying to take steps to improve my life and get at the cause of the depression in the first place, which is lack of direction and social isolation. Other stuff has decided to start coming up too, I guess there are layers of issues to work through. Most important is getting enough sleep. Right now I'm trying to establish a daily routine that involves me getting all my chores done. I let things fall apart domestically when I was
The Fairy Godfather was just an ordinary guy, until the day he received a wand and ruby slippers in the mail. It turned out that the wand allowed him to channel the will of the Universe, and the slippers gave him the power of flight (and bunions.) The Godfather often traveled the countryside with his friend, the Panda Warrior, looking for people whose lives needed improving (and for really good hamburgers, which are harder to find.) Probably, Clark the monkey never even noticed them. Despite
I didn't know that it would be okay to write anything, that anything I might write would be okay. I thought there were rules, judges and juries whose word was law, truths that were self-evident to everyone but me. So I tried it that way: stiff formalisms over trite ideas, maudlin emotions in rigorous rhythm. It didn't work. But I thought it was me who lacked some gift, some missing piece that left me with just a vocabulary and no voice. But all the time it was me robbing me, letting fear, and th
I'm doing better, mostly I think due to meds. The depression is still there, but in the background instead of obscuring everything else. I am thinking more about what I want to do instead of seeing a bleak lack of future when I look forward. Still haven't figured out how to get there but at least I have a general direction. It's hard not to kick myself for not figuring this out sooner. It seems like it was in front of my face the whole time; I just didn't want to believe it. Well it's in the pas
Well, I know that anyone who was waiting with bated breath to hear about how the car turned out is now dead from asphyxiation (okay, you can't die that way, but you pass out and get angry at yourself for trying and at me for leaving you in suspense.) It turned out well. I bought the car I was looking at, more or less, and I managed to stay with the open attitude that I am becoming accustomed to, the one that feels like my Self. Of course, the story is more interesting than that. :-) I nursed m
Not sure where I am at the moment. On the one hand it feels like I am doing better, but on the other hand I've withdrawn deep inside my comfort zone in an effort to avoid my demons. I'm feeling suicidal again but I've learned not to take those thoughts too seriously. It just feels like I'm all alone at times and nobody would miss me, so why do I stick around? I feel a lot of guilt and regret for past decisions I've made that took my life on a downward turn, yet I still think and behave in much t
I've had a bad cold but this has led me to stay sober over the weekend and get an enormous amount of sleep. Luckily I won't have to take time off work because I am feeling better. Thanks to so much sleep my depression has receded quite a bit. I actually feel good at this moment. I have much less feeling that I have to act out, more acceptance. I hope this feeling will stick around for a while. I learned over this weekend that isolation brings out a kind of heavy anxiety which is not fun. It seem
I'm so depressed I can barely move. Hope this doesn't last. Sleeping over 12 hrs/day and spending a lot of time in bed just crying. So I haven't been getting much done. Not that there is that much to get done. When you have no goals and no direction there just isn't that much to do. Luckily, no one depends on me. I tried to talk to my boyfriend but I screwed it up by complaining to him that he doesn't talk to me enough. This made him mad at me. Even with those closest to me I find some way to al
Things have gone a little wrong - maybe its for the best - sheeze only knows what the future holds - not sure i altogether care, its not like things usually go according to my plan anyway - so s'pose this was to be expected. Reckon ive had better days. Huh, feel free to insert sarcasm, coz at mo Im possitively full of the damn stuff. Not sure I like therapy - not sure I like work, not even sure if I like anything. Just want it all to rag off and leave me alone to stewper in peace - have I mentio
I've written recently about how my perception that I had deficits (not just flaws, but flaws that were unacceptable to me) and the defenses I built up so that I wouldn't have to perceive them have influenced my personality structure for most of my life. One of the perceived deficits was that I believed I "should" be skilled at fixing cars, as I believed other men to be (and a secondary deficit is the possibility that I may be more sexist than I would like.) Because I have been having car troub
Five years after my first serious OCD crisis.Why memories still hurts?I cant forget crying and running in the rain trying to stop these bad thoughts.I cant escape from feeling that Im too bad person.
Did a full day of meditation today and have a half day to go tomorrow. Feels really good right now. Most help came from going out to eat with the class after meditation was done - I felt accepted by a group for the first time in what feels like years. I can see how the acceptance of others can serve as a model for finding acceptance of myself. The hard work begins there; it's always easier said than done. Right now though I am enjoying the high of intensive meditation practice and feeling like i
Last visit with pdoc had me up Wellbutrin as my depressive symptoms have shown improvement but still pretty depressed. Now I have intrusive thoughts again, random thoughts telling me to kill myself that interrupt my internal dialogue. Not voices that I hear externally but still seems like something "not me" issuing a command. Not sure if this is related to the med change or just stress at work which has also been high lately. Intrusive thoughts were an issue for me before I got on meds, but they
I went to an NA meeting today. Suggestion of my meditation instructor type person. I'm trying to be Buddhist and that means no drugs as that interferes with meditation practice. The meeting wasn't as bad as I feared it could be, in fact it felt almost welcoming. Still I am not sure if it's a cult or not. I'm not entirely sure I have a problem. I keep using these pills so that's a problem, but once I'm out I'm out, right? Maybe. Hope so. Then again I haven't hit bottom or had any run ins with th
I didn't use pills last night and I feel much better not having the comedown that I normally do on Saturdays. Still have some anxiety and a lot of depression, mainly because of social anxiety. I am isolated but I don't know how to change this. Sure go out and meet people. Easier said than done. My therapist wants me to take a class to have less isolation. Plus taking a class would help me cultivate an interest, something I am not having much success with so far. Doesn't that sound a little path
Guess I'm getting there! Its been a very busy tiresome couple of months or so - and seriously the temptation to just stay sleeping some days rather than get up and go to work is almost overwhelming - yet each day I drag my bum outta bed (a mission in itself) put one foot infront of the other and just keep walking Work and me have a love/hate relationship - I dont want to work (does anybody really) but needs must (I suppose) if Im gonna be the kind of person who wants to keep a roof over her hea
Do I love me? Do I love my family? Do I love my friends? Do I love my fellow humans? Do I love my world? And how would each of them know? Just things I think about when I realize I'm past the halfway point.
This week I realized I still have friends in my hometown. I didn't think they remembered me but I got contacted over facebook a couple times. This while I was slipping back into suicidal ideation again. How warped my perspective was, thinking nobody cared when I do have real friends. Another reason to try and survive. I miss them a lot and I miss the area. I especially miss it in summer since that is when the weather is nice at home and miserable where I currently am. I don't know many people he
