I'm still taking a break from alcohol. This is my tenth week without it. I've not been entirely sober during that time, but I'm working on cutting down the other substances too. The more distance I get from alcohol, the more I start to feel like the real "me." My old interests are starting to come back. Just a little, but noticeable. My innate cheerfulness is also starting to come back, which is something I want to cultivate. I used to be super happy when I was a kid. Back then my happiness did
How Far is Away? Seventeen floors over Shinjukuwondering if the glass would breakKeeping vigil through the nighton loose chairs in Edinburgh AirportWhen you go that far away from yourselfwho is it you come back to?------------------------------------------------------------- Smart Man It's late and the old man is downstairs watching football on the TV, curled sideways in front of his best chair, the way he always drank beer. My mother is sitting behind him, knitting and pretending to watch
I have feeling like Im not controling my life.In home is mess.My mother is crying and my father is always angry,because we dont have money.There is a lot of fights.Even my little brother is not ok.He is starting fights without reason. I have all there exams that I didnt pass,because Im idiot and I cant control my OCD.Im so unsecure and dont know what Im doing .I had thoughts about self-harm,but well I didnt do anything.Im tired of being so weak
I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I checked in here. I am doing okay circumstantially, but inside my head it's a nightmare. Been off and on with the alcohol and other forms of self medication, six weeks sober but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while. I found myself today wishing I could get some disease that kills quickly so I could just get it over with and not add in the stigma of suicide. Sorry to be so direct but I'm so tired of trying to put a positive spin on
We were away for a few days, visiting family, but we're back now. I wrote this in the plane home: Good Head and Shoulders When the world falls away, the ride can get bumpy. But once you're up there, the sky's always clear. The trick to the future is it's made up of presents: don't worry about this one; the next one is here. One step at a time is the only way forward. You only die once; there's nothing to fear.
So ... it's been a fairly long interlude, I guess. Many little milestones have passed without comment: moved out of the apartment, cleared out the storage area, finished dealing with Dad's inheritance except for the annuity thing, figured out my taxes, and so on. What hasn't happened, though, is for me to make the key decisions about the future. I did decide, though mostly by default, not to apply for grad school for the coming fall; I didn't feel like I was ready, by the March 15th deadline.
This year is so blur.I had awful panic attack.I went to my doctor and she said I need to see psychiatrist.But my mother was with me.And when doctor said that she stepped a little away from me.I felt hurt.I dont want she to be ashemed of me At home later my mother said I dont have to go,because it will become worse Im just tired.My family have no money and in home I feel depressed.My mind is too confused and I dont see way out of this mess.
Saw my therapist who thinks I can discontinue therapy because I've been doing so well. Which immediately has me going to that place of, well... must not have been that much a problem in the first place right? I don't need to take my meds anymore right? Wrong and wrong. I skipped meds for 3 days and stuff went sideways. Not pretty. Problem is that when I take my meds I feel "normal" (meaning I don't have a persistent sense that something is terribly wrong), and I can't remember the person I am wh
Not really sure what Ive been doing this past few weeks - though Im sure Ive had fun and quite possibly been up to no damn good again! So much for the new year new start! - Ooops! Didnt get the job I applied for - reckon its coz of me track record of recent years, not that bothered really. Well actually thats quite possibly a lie as I set my heart on it - pretty stupid of me really. And since then, well Ive messed up a fair bit - big time. I now find myself engaged to be married to someone Im n
Is it normal to feel angry at my family?My mother said that it could be worse so I dont have to blame them.I know that.But I still cant forget some fights.Maybe I just have to feel guilty
Well, the New Year began well enough, but Thursday night I got pretty sick (in an "I don't want anything left in my digestive tract" kind of way), and that kept me down completely Friday and Saturday. My temperature's back to normal again, and I'm eating, so I think I'm pretty much done, now. I'm just caught up enough to come back here, though, so I thought I would let people know that I wasn't ignoring them, just ... indisposed.
OCD is back.Why,why I cant live normal?Anxiety is so strong,and Im so tired.I talked with one girl from my university and she said that my OCD isnt problem to her. But she will never understand how painful is living this way
This ol' life of mine sure does have a sense of humour - so I truely am pleased that i too, can see the funny side of things I moved last friday, this time to some out in the sticks location - a townie country bumpkin thats me - well i guess thats what I am presently - till I get moved again, which knowing me wont be too much longer - if Im lucky I might be able to stay here a few months atleast. Thats Life!!! Still happy enough tho' coz I know that theres like loadsa people worse of than me -
I'm feeling better now. I found that the main source of the noisy thoughts was guilt and shame. Lament and regret over past actions, both what I've done and what was done to me. Crying over spilt milk, to put it another way. This can have a strong and negative influence on future actions. "Bad thing happened to me and I did bad things, therefore I must be a Bad Person. As a Bad Person, I can only continue to do Bad Things, and the worst will continue to happen to me." Self fulfilling prophecy.
Well, after an exciting couple of days, I have arrived. We didn't do anything sophisticated for my Dad; he wasn't the sort who'd want that anyway. We scattered him with Mom on a hillside in the shadow of a mountain (in West Virginia, to be honest, it's just a bigger hill.) They overlook a pond that had some ducks and geese in it, but again, in West Virginia, if it's standing water, it's behind a man-made dam. Still, it was a spot they both loved, so I'm happy they found it. Truck rental was
Well, we scattered my dad's ashes yesterday, on the same spot as my mom's, five years later. They get to be together again ... And then we had Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant with my brother and his family. Today, though, is the first leg of my cross-country move. Packing to do, truck to rent, car to tow. But we decided to break it into two segments, so I booked a hotel near the halfway point. That will give us more time on Saturday for the unload. I'll probably be away a little while un
I stumbled across an old blog from July 2012 that I wrote. I had to re read it because I could have written it yesterday. I thought I started in February this year, turns out it was longer ago than that. Still struggling to stay sober, still a lot of depression around loneliness and where I've ended up in life. Not getting anywhere in over a year. I need to change something, but I'm not sure what. I've identified that I am both mad at my father for leaving me, and mad at myself for being basical
So, another overdue update. My actual last day at work was the 15th; I took various forms of leave for the week of the 22nd. And I had a hard time being productive. Partly the sudden change of being off work, and partly having to cope with the changes coming up. Unfortunately, instead of "coping" very much, I opted to spend my time reading. I couldn't even do anything productive, because reading is the only thing that occupies enough of my brain to push the rest out. What I didn't realize is
Been here for 4 weeks now - I think. and everything is going wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im getting by alright enough - somehow. But am not entirely sure whats happening most of the time. Have I mentioned how much I loathe being re-located, sure I must of done at some stage or other, but just incase I havnt - I HATE THIS!!!!! This new place is nice enough and the people friendly, what more can lifes reject ask for? Hmm, maybe Oh, I dunno - breathing space, does that even exsist this day and age? I hav
Right. Well. Time having passed, as it tends to, only going in the forward direction, a few things have changed. I have a firm last day of work, November 22nd. I have more information about my dad's estate, which suggests that while I won't be retiring to the Riviera, at least I won't have to worry about going hungry. Dad, being something of a financial type, arranged it all to be split evenly between me, my younger brother, and our older, adopted half-brother. No bickering, no waiting for p
Simon & Garfunkel, "Bookends": Long ago, it must be I have a photograph Preserve your memories They're all that's left you. Just something that popped into my head, that needed to be said.
