Take off my feelings So that I can cry freely What I did not say I felt safe with you Autumn leaves in the twilight This has come to pass Snow flies far away I wish I knew where you are I wish you were here ~~~
It's been a difficult ride with mr. suicide Guessing what I can show, and what can I hide The lost girl said she could read me The wise one called me inscrutable as a dragon Too young for beauty Too old for wisdom Wishing for a different now Change the past of the future Don't catch me There's nothing to fall on ...First attempt at freeverse. I don't consider myself a poet but I felt like experimenting with writing in code. Sometimes I think what I want to say would have a result I don't want, s
Having one of those days, where the answer to all lifes problems, the answer to the square route of infinity, the answer to every little question no matter how relatively simple - or as in reality, how difficult it may seem to others is - Dunno!!! Sheeze I feel so thick, unstable and feel like I'm about to explode. Maybe if I just hide in here a little longer, I can convince myself that there is no existance beyond this computer screen. But, I know I wont be able to hide here forever, or even an
My brother called me at lunch time to tell me that my father was taken to the Emergency room this morning and died about an hour after my brother arrived. I had visited on Sunday, and Dad seemed pale and tired. At least someone was with him when he died. Strangely, my brother was present at the passing of both of my parents, and I was at work both times. At least my alibi is secure.
I've been sober for a little over 5 weeks now. It's getting harder though, and the group I had been depending on for support is not being there for me right now. I just want to give up. It would be so much easier. Nothing seems to matter. Not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Have local meeting tomorrow and hanging on to my last straw. If that meeting goes poorly I will likely go straight to the liquor store afterward. I know it's bad for me, but what does that matter.
A few weeks ago (August 14th, to be exact), my dad was taken to the hospital because he had fallen in his apartment and couldn't get back up on his own. He's 88 and lives in an old folks' home, but in an independent living apartment of his own. He isn't in great shape: he gets winded walking down a long, level corridor, something he has to do three times a day to get his meals in the cafeteria downstairs. Anyway, they worked him up and didn't find anything in particular, so they guessed it m
So, as an interesting follow-on from the last blog entry, a few days later I heard from the opposite part. I began to think about why I continue to go to work each morning, if I hate it so much. The answer was, because I "should". It was only right, if I was going to expect to live the way I do. In fact, I "should" be a better employee than I am, or if I'm going to decide to change to a more laidback job, I "should" start looking. I "should" wash my car, exercise more, clean my apartment, do
I was doing really well, then... not so much. It's taking me more tries than I would like to get sober. In the meantime alcohol is messing with my meds and really shouldn't be combined with what I'm on. So I'm not that bright when it comes to nearly poisoning oneself. I am depressed again and generally thin-skinned when it comes to every day frustrations. Thinking about suicide again although I really still want to live. I'm no stranger to ambivalence. Still working on sobriety, using CBT tools
Over the years, I've often received, and often enough given, the advice to "comfort your fearful child part." It has always sounded like good advice, but for some reason it has never seemed to be very successful, when I tried it myself. I've had therapists ask me what I would do, to comfort a child. After some hesitation, I generally reply that I would hug the child and tell them that things will be okay. Yet, imagining situations where those things were done to me, either by others when I wa
I guess it's been a while since I did a blog. Things have been going so well that the weeks seem to just fly by. I'm back on a combo of ADHD and anti-depressant meds which is helping me function without the hindrance of my symptoms, which leads to less frustration, which leads to less beating myself up and avoiding the downward spiral into negative emotions. I can think in a structured manner, and plan steps to accomplish tasks that previously overwhelmed me. This is helping out a ton at work an
Tomorrow, life begins again. My vacation will be over and I have to get home and start working on the next steps. Today, I rode a bike for four miles and got stung by a wasp a couple of times. {Despite signs of allergy when I was younger, all I did was swell up.} But really, as the saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life. So what are you going to do with it?
I know that sounds scary, but in my case it just means: I'm no longer a home owner! :-) Trust me; it's a good thing. It has taken years, months, days, all of the last two days in particular, but the sale closed late this evening, barring ridiculous unforeseen circumstances, of which there have been many so far. However, I think those eventualities are covered, so I'm ... going on vacation for a week. {I may still show up periodically, however, so behave.} There's no mortgage to burn, but tha
I wrote this to someone today, regarding what I learned from the period of my life when I was routinely suicidal, and I thought it would fit into this blog thing. I was a bit surprised at the intensity both of the experience and of my explanation. I think it's possible that at some point I had a kind of religious experience without even realizing it, consciously at least. I was at a funeral service recently, and they read the 23rd Psalm. There is something very real for me about the phrase "th
Was doing great on the new meds, but anxiety came back and turned into full blown panic Friday night into Saturday. Had stopped taking the meds some days before that though. There are some gory details to the panic episode that I will leave out for now. Important thing is I am better now, and have a whole new reason to be alive. No longer wishing for death. Over three months sober now. Social relationships could use some help and I am working on that, going out to a movie with a new friend later
Things are gradually getting better. Started ADD med on Friday, feeling a big help from it even though I'm only on the starter dose. Could not come soon enough though as I'm already in trouble at work from falling behind. However, I think this trouble can be managed, especially if the new medication is as helpful as I think it will be. Actually, on Friday I thought things were going great and falling together for me. I felt genuinely happy, or more like a deep sense of gratitude for all that I h
My experiment in choosing to be happy or focus on the positives went as follows: Can one simply choose happiness? Maybe, but it takes more work than a mere desire and pasting a happy face on things. It's better to be realistic and work on the problems as they arise in the present. Did the world suddenly collapse if I stop worrying for a moment? No - my personal efforts to control the universe don't seem to be instrumental in holding it together. This is encouraging, because given the state of th
What a difference a week makes. I am still struggling with suicidal thoughts but no longer going with them. I've realized I can live with untreated ADD for the time it takes me to find a new doctor. It will be a diminished quality of life, but I can bear it. I have an appointment in two months with a doctor at a very well respected institution, but I am trying to find someone else I can see sooner. I would rather have this doctor be my primary care provider though because I agree with their phil
Let go! You don't run this show. Some things maybe you can guess But most we'll never get to know. Like dust Blown on a wind gust, Or poll'n hoping for a flow'r, We're doom'd to fly where'er we must. To fly Freely through the sky Means giving up our grip on Earth Knowing that either way we die. And see? It's not hard to be Relax'd when you no longer feel That you need control to be free. Wow, I chose a difficult (and awkward) form ... It's just how it came out.
I am not okay. I don't know where else I can say that so I'm putting it here. I'm thinking more about suicide lately. I'll go for a few hours thinking it's the only way out, and the obvious solution, then I'll switch and think that was crazy, how could I be considering suicide. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are playing tug of war with my head. Triggering event was visit with pdoc to discuss ADHD meds. This did not go well and I left feeling insulted, berated, and hopeless about getting effec
Well, as you can see, I'm making an effort to update this thing more often. I think for a long time, I've felt like I needed to wait until I had something important to say. Unfortunately, that calls into question what part of me is deciding what's important, and exposes me to my own hubris in assuming that what I did post was important. This is actually an amusing thought, because it's a common assumption in the psychoanalytic world that anything a client says is important. They'll point to t
I don't really have a planned topic, today, just the urge to post something. So I thought I would ramble. I've been doing a lot of reading over the past year, even by my own rather expansive standards. I think I've been trying to absorb some of the atmosphere and thought patterns of the people who invented psychoanalysis and the times they lived in. And then for some of their successors, and so on. I have no doubt that if I get to take classes in psychology, I'll get plenty of "current though
I'm making progress toward setting goals, but it's slow. It occurs to me that this is an improvement though because a few weeks ago the idea of even thinking about goals was beyond my grasp. Still need to find a direction in life. I have taken the time to define some values that I want to prioritize, the next step is to make goals that express these values. Still sober, 40 days now. Not even sure why I'm doing this anymore. I mean I have my reasons written down, but they seemed much more meaning
Still sober but strongly tempted. This is really difficult. Trying to keep a positive outlook but whenever people ask how things are going I find a way to say it in a negative tone, without meaning to. Sometimes I try too hard to be positive and it comes out fake. I'm struggling at work due to my concentration problems. My work is getting harder and I'm reaching the limit of how far I can get bluffing that I actually listened to what the other person is saying. Meditation helps with mindfulness,
