Made it through two weekends now without drinking. Trying to quit porn at the same time. Realizing I have a sex addiction. Dammit I get addicted to anything I touch it seems. Actually not everything. Just opiates, alcohol, and sex in general. Looking forward to getting ADHD meds but I'm aware there is a risk of addiction with those too. I can't say it won't happen. Then again my pdoc is aware I had alcohol issues in the past and may refuse to prescribe stims. Or I may grow some self control by t
Perhaps one of the most remarkable things about human beings is their devotion to stories. I don't just mean campfire stories, fairy tales, myths and legends, though those are included. We tell ourselves stories, large and small, moment to moment, throughout our lives. Our minds practically demand it. What we're trying to do is fit our experiences, the raw facts and sensations of our daily lives, into some sort of larger structure. If we succeed, we'll say things like "that explains it" or "
Not really a Fairy Godfather story, but a Fairy Godfather kind of story, so ... The Silver Sword A hill, a sword, and an old man A young girl is dreaming: I'm in a forest unmarked by signs of people. Everything is emerald green; the tree trunks are black and slick as if wet. I'm on foot, walking quickly in as straight a line as the trees allow, like I know where I'm going though there is no path. The ground begins to rise, and I continue walking straight up the hill. Near the top the tree
After years of personally suspecting I had ADHD I finally got tested and unsurprisingly I scored high on the scale for inattentive type. Now my therapist wants to talk to my pdoc about getting me on ADD meds. It turns out the therapist I was seeing for depression specializes in ADHD and could see my symptoms emerging as I got out of depression but still had struggles with time management and relationships. I thought it was still depression but now that I have a diagnosis I am looking at informa
Well, I didn't stay sober this weekend but I didn't make myself sick either. I didn't day-drink on Saturday like the past two weekends. The result is that I didn't have panic on Saturday although I did face depression that felt like a train running through my apartment. Mostly it's because I miss my boyfriend. I went to lunch with my meditation group and that felt good. Beats eating alone. Then we all went our separate ways and the good feeling went away. I guess I need to be around people, alth
Still drinking even though I try not to. I keep making myself sick but don't seem to learn my lesson. I'm worried now about what will happen if this doesn't change. I'm scared I'll do something stupid when drunk and not be able to handle the consequences. I'm so depressed and anxious right now. I'm starting to think that drinking is causing some of the panic I've been feeling on the weekends. Of course not drinking puts me in full contact with my depression, isolation, and regret, which is proba
I only drank one night this week. Had a hell of a hangover on only 6 drinks. Had multiple panic attacks to wade through on Saturday. I don't know if that is due to drinking or if I just am prone to panic on Saturdays - probably a combo of both. Need to try not drinking on Friday night to find out. My therapist thinks I might have ADHD and gave me a test to fill out. I used to think I had ADHD, then figured it was just depression mimicking the same symptoms because no pdoc would consider it as a
I am back on my meds but haven't stabilized yet. Still drinking too much. It was helping me for a while but got to a point where the depression caused by drinking is worse than the depression I feel when not drinking. So now my primary coping mechanism isn't working and I have to find something else. I am staying sober just for today. We'll see if I can keep it going into tomorrow or if I end up changing my mind again. It has been a hard day with a couple times breaking down in tears and havin
I cut back on my meds to make them last until my next pdoc appointment, and predictably my depression got worse. I was feeling like I could handle it, but I ended up drinking, so I could not have been handling it that well. I keep thinking that I can drink and get away with it, but with a mood disorder the after-effects are more severe for me than for normal people. I can try to remember that but short term thinking gets me every time. I still have some alcohol and I know I shouldn't drink but I
Things might finally start to move on selling the house. Last Friday, we went back to court to get legal fees for the ex's year of appeals, and incidentally, it turns out that she wants (me) to sell the house. That's good, because my understanding was that her resistance was the only reason we weren't selling it. So, I went to a real estate agent last Sunday, and his information is encouraging regarding the market. That means that I now have to do some hurried work to prepare the property bef
Guess its been a while since I last visited here, and thought a visit was long overdue Ive been a bit out of things the last few months (or maybe longer, cant remember) but things are getting better - i think Never seem to have much (if any) spare time on my hands these days, parts of me are missing the days of lounging about whinging coz i had nothing to do or worth doing - now its like im on catch up, and cant sit still long enough to enjoy the moments im having. Not grumbling though, things
Make this day last. Not because it is the last; it's just the day before the next, just like December 22nd was the day after the end of the world. But because it's this day, this moment, that counts; one day we'll each run out of them. So in a way, every day is a "mental health day". My toast: To Life!
Two months without so strong OCD,but it plays tricks with me now.I feel again confused and lost in these awful fears.I feel so ashemed of myself.Guilt hounds me and I cant escape.
I think we're all still trying to deal with the enormity of one young man, with who knows what problems, killing himself, his mother, a school principal and teachers, and a lot of random small children who never did him any harm. I know there's a tendency for us to want to change something as a society, to make sure something like this never happens again. But what? Opinions differ on whether or how to limit the availability of guns; we all wish that more could be done for the mentally ill (a
I haven't updated in a while because very little has changed. I feel very ambivalent about everything, pulled in two directions. Can't decide. I know the "right" choice but I don't have the motivation to follow through. So I make the "right" choice and give up, or I take the easy way out and just do nothing. I missed pdoc appt and keep forgetting to reschedule. Kind of scary because I'm low on meds. Hopefully I will remember to do this tomorrow. I did get Christmas cards out today, only took me
Grinch or Office Holiday Party I don't want to be told when to be happy, or how, or why. Not unless you want me to lie. I think it's great that you want to get everyone together to celebrate. But I want to be asked, and I may not say "yes", for without the right to say "no", what does "yes" even mean? Sing carols, if it brings you joy, but don't assume that I'll join you. I sing when the spirit moves me, not because of what you think I should be. No matter how badly you want me to be free, n
I'm taking slightly better care of myself today, eating real food instead of junk and laying off the alcohol. I drank a lot this past week which probably explains my worsening depression. I tried to force myself to get busy and felt a little better but eventually I felt overwhelmed and had to lay down for a while. I hate not being able to get stuff done but evidently I needed to take a time out for sanity's sake. Lately I've been feeling down about life itself, not anything in particular. Everyt
It hurts so bad. I wish I could explain but stupid words won't work for me right now. I want to go but I don't have the guts. Yet I have the guts to live with the fact that I would hurt those closest to me simply to escape. I don't know how I sleep at night. Oh yeah, I don't. Unless I forgive myself, just for this moment. Maybe I can escape without hurting them. Will they even notice? Will it ever stop? Will I ever feel safe?
Well, it's my birthday today. I like to think of it as turning 17 for the third time ... Yesterday, I couldn't decide on a birthday celebration. Of course, my mind reframed it by saying that I still don't know what I want to do when I get older ... Or, maybe it just means that I'm already doing it. :-)
Im so broken.I feel this emptness so badly.One part of me is gone.Even when Im happy isnt the same as before.My happy childhood with my grandma and aunt and later everything is blur and I dont want to remember
I'm finding myself stuck in fear. I feel paralyzed against doing anything because I am afraid it will turn out wrong. Because I can't control the outcome, I don't want to get involved. I think this is a lingering PTSD symptom, need to work on this in therapy. Hope I remember to bring it up. Drinking seems to be okay for now. The more I meditate the less I want to drink, and when I do drink I get tired and go to bed instead of drinking more and more. This is good because the main reason I started
I thought I would start a new ongoing series tagged with "Caring for your You". Expect me to make updates to the series periodically, when things occur to me. How to Care for your You Preface Congratulations! You are the owner of a one-of-a-kind being, a You. Now, you might say that everyone else is, too, but the reality is that your You is the only one just like it anywhere in the known Universe, and always will be. You might say you are You-nique (or if you never would say that, I mig
Depression is back. I drank too much on Friday. I always tell myself never again and then I do it again. I can't live up to my own moral standards and the guilt is eating a hole in me. I want it but I don't want to want it. I feel like I've been out of control for the past few days, triggered to use and wanting to use but not having the opportunity. So I do something else self destructive because in my frame of mind I can't remember the promises I made to myself. Maybe I need to find out how I
