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Blog Ralph

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Entries in this blog

 

current events - Trigger

So, after starting to think I was doing so much better, the shooting in Orlando happened. I haven't dealt with that very well. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I can't even fathom the loss of life that happened that night. To be honest it's thrown me back into a state of depression. I can feel all those old thought patterns starting up again. Taking everything personally, black and white thinking, perfectionism, all those habits I've worked so hard to undo are back. This time will be differe

Ralph

Ralph

 

Posting Dilemma

I know I have not been very active on this site lately.  There was some discussion of this in the Announcements thread introducing me as a new moderator, but I thought I would add more detail here. The blog feels like a more appropriate place for this, and that way I don't feel like I'm cluttering up an announcement thread with a whole wall of text. I have made massive progress in the past year or two in learning to stop beating myself up.  I'm starting (just barely) to accept who and what

Ralph

Ralph

 

Sober.... Not sober(?)

So life has been going pretty well for me. I am on the right combo of meds and taking them as directed. I am taking steps to become more socially engaged in life. My job is very high stress but I do love the work, plus working inside is nice. I'm grateful to even have a job in the first place in this economy. I have some first world problems, most notably addiction. I haven't drank in over four months now, but two months ago I started smoking weed because: a - I qualify for a medical card, meani

Ralph

Ralph

 

slide

Maybe this is just normal ups and downs, but I am way down right now. Keep thinking about suicide although I have no intent of going through with it. Wondering if I should call a crisis line anyway.  No particular external stressors, actually things are going fine for me, nonetheless these feelings make it like I am going through some intensely distressing times.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Alright

I'm getting better and have been doing really well lately. Less isolation, more exercise, stopped drinking (again). Sobriety is my focus right now, because drinking messes everything else up. I can either have the things that I value, or alcohol. It shouldn't be a tough choice, but it is. Even though it's threatening to kill me, I really really love drinking. I don't love hangovers though. I don't enjoy the panic attacks that follow a day of drinking, and the two days of lost productivity that I

Ralph

Ralph

 

Poisons

I want to drug myself into oblivion with every recreational substance I can get my hands on. I know where this leads though, and I don't like it, so I am trying to hold myself back. It's hard to do. Suicide is back at the front of my mind... for no reason whatsoever, except the pain is so much I feel like it's the only way to deal with it. I guess I should be glad I can still feel anything. When my depression gets really bad, I don't even feel the pain anymore. Want to do what I can to pull myse

Ralph

Ralph

 

Forgotten Purpose

I don't know why, but right now I feel more depressed than I have in a long time. Possibly ever, although I have been suicidal before, and I am not suicidal now. I am experiencing waves of absolute hopelessness that just engulf me out of the blue. I used to not be able to understand how someone could be so depressed that they couldn't work or even get out of bed. Now I understand. Possibly it's because I stopped exercising, so I started that again today. No improvement after a workout though, g

Ralph

Ralph

 

aaaack

So I was cruising along and whomp! life hit me. Normal ups and downs? Maybe. But I'm really struggling right now. I don't feel right, it feels like my thoughts are bizarre, or reality is bizarre and I'm normal; I don't know which. I just know there seems to be a me "out there" that doesn't much resemble the me "in here." Does that make any sense? No sliding towards suicidal ideation as would be my normal pattern. I believe I have the meds to thank for that, but I see my own train of thoughts an

Ralph

Ralph

 

Getting Better

Just wanted to say hi to everyone who reads this. I haven't been around in a while because I've been doing pretty well. After recovering from a deep depression back in November, I am still dealing with some depression, but managing it. I'm also doing modules on ADHD with my therapist that are really difficult for me, but it seems to be helping with a lot of my tendencies toward not getting stuff done and not being organized. I'm also taking steps to make my long distance relationship a short dis

Ralph

Ralph

 

Dunno

I am not sure what the point of this post is, except for some reason I feel like I need to do an update. Past couple months have been ok, not great but not terrible. More than I deserve to ask for so I'll take it. The good was visiting my partner and I also seem to be making some progress on a previously intractable problem at work. The bad is that I've relapsed, and I'm reconsidering sobriety, as in, maybe I just can't do this... I'll always be a drunk and if I don't kill myself in a wreck or O

Ralph

Ralph

 

Back to Work

I am continuing to improve following my little crisis. Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm a little nervous about that, but the longer I wait, the worse the nervousness will get. Not sure how to explain myself to coworkers, can't very well state the truth as people will not understand. Just have to hold my head up and get through it somehow. Monitoring how I feel very closely. Denial of what was going on inside me is what got me into a crisis state in the first place.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Up again, down again

I just cause problems for the people I am staying with. I think after about a week they are just sick of me. I should go away from everyone. Nobody can stand me and I can't stand the loneliness. So the solution is for me to just stop my existence. It's not fair that everyone gets to yell at me for any screw up I do, but if I complain about anyone else's screw up that affects me, well, I am just being a jerk. I don't want to play any more. Society does not need me. I should just drop out. There i

Ralph

Ralph

 

Down

I could really use some help. Things are going pretty damn well for me right now, but I still feel like shite. I think it might be guilt over stuff I did in the past. I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't cheat, steal, or even harass anyone. My sin was schadenfreude. I went through a phase where I took pleasure in watching or hearing about the horrific things happening to people that are not me. Somehow since then, probably because of getting sober, my empathy got turned back on and I am now disgusted

Ralph

Ralph

 

Choosing Sanity

So I am up to 19 weeks sober and feeling pretty good about that. I'm making progress with re-learning how to take care of myself, and that is helping me maintain a state where I don't feel like I need substances to escape. For now I seem to be on an upward spiral, which is the end result of some months and years of effort to get better. Which to me, was not a choice, I could only get better or remain miserable. I had to take the chance or my suffering would go nowhere and do nobody any good. I

Ralph

Ralph

 

Mazes

There is a horror movie called Hellraiser that I have watched over and over again. The reason is it fits the feeling in my own mind. Specifically the second one. The first two were masterpieces. The rest of the series, not so much. One of the themes woven through the story is that of desire, agony, and ecstasy. Are they truly different, or are they in the end all the same? Another theme is sympathy for the devil. That is, the main character of the story is a demon called Pinhead, who has an inte

Ralph

Ralph

 

Belonging

I'm still taking a break from alcohol. This is my tenth week without it. I've not been entirely sober during that time, but I'm working on cutting down the other substances too. The more distance I get from alcohol, the more I start to feel like the real "me." My old interests are starting to come back. Just a little, but noticeable. My innate cheerfulness is also starting to come back, which is something I want to cultivate. I used to be super happy when I was a kid. Back then my happiness di

Ralph

Ralph

 

Everything changes

I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I checked in here. I am doing okay circumstantially, but inside my head it's a nightmare. Been off and on with the alcohol and other forms of self medication, six weeks sober but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while. I found myself today wishing I could get some disease that kills quickly so I could just get it over with and not add in the stigma of suicide. Sorry to be so direct but I'm so tired of trying to put a positive spin on

Ralph

Ralph

 

Officially in Remission

Saw my therapist who thinks I can discontinue therapy because I've been doing so well. Which immediately has me going to that place of, well... must not have been that much a problem in the first place right? I don't need to take my meds anymore right? Wrong and wrong. I skipped meds for 3 days and stuff went sideways. Not pretty. Problem is that when I take my meds I feel "normal" (meaning I don't have a persistent sense that something is terribly wrong), and I can't remember the person I am wh

Ralph

Ralph

 

Guilt and Getting Unstuck

I'm feeling better now. I found that the main source of the noisy thoughts was guilt and shame. Lament and regret over past actions, both what I've done and what was done to me. Crying over spilt milk, to put it another way. This can have a strong and negative influence on future actions. "Bad thing happened to me and I did bad things, therefore I must be a Bad Person. As a Bad Person, I can only continue to do Bad Things, and the worst will continue to happen to me." Self fulfilling prophecy.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Feels like going nowhere

I stumbled across an old blog from July 2012 that I wrote. I had to re read it because I could have written it yesterday. I thought I started in February this year, turns out it was longer ago than that. Still struggling to stay sober, still a lot of depression around loneliness and where I've ended up in life. Not getting anywhere in over a year. I need to change something, but I'm not sure what. I've identified that I am both mad at my father for leaving me, and mad at myself for being basica

Ralph

Ralph

 

2 more haiku

escape another time the cure becomes the sickness wings against the glass They won't understand I told a secret today will they let me live

Ralph

Ralph

 

For the Huntress

Take off my feelings So that I can cry freely What I did not say I felt safe with you Autumn leaves in the twilight This has come to pass Snow flies far away I wish I knew where you are I wish you were here ~~~

Ralph

Ralph

 

netless

It's been a difficult ride with mr. suicide Guessing what I can show, and what can I hide The lost girl said she could read me The wise one called me inscrutable as a dragon Too young for beauty Too old for wisdom Wishing for a different now Change the past of the future Don't catch me There's nothing to fall on ...First attempt at freeverse. I don't consider myself a poet but I felt like experimenting with writing in code. Sometimes I think what I want to say would have a result I don

Ralph

Ralph

 

so what

I've been sober for a little over 5 weeks now. It's getting harder though, and the group I had been depending on for support is not being there for me right now. I just want to give up. It would be so much easier. Nothing seems to matter. Not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Have local meeting tomorrow and hanging on to my last straw. If that meeting goes poorly I will likely go straight to the liquor store afterward. I know it's bad for me, but what does that matter.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Not invincible

I was doing really well, then... not so much. It's taking me more tries than I would like to get sober. In the meantime alcohol is messing with my meds and really shouldn't be combined with what I'm on. So I'm not that bright when it comes to nearly poisoning oneself. I am depressed again and generally thin-skinned when it comes to every day frustrations. Thinking about suicide again although I really still want to live. I'm no stranger to ambivalence. Still working on sobriety, using CBT tools

Ralph

Ralph

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