The bad person feeling is still “around” but kind of in the background. Writing here helped my rationality stay a speck in the background when bad person took over. That’s been an issue for about the last year. Rationality could acknowledge bad person but when bad person took over, it could not acknowledge rationality. I guess maybe when rationality acknowledged bad person and evil person, it gained some strength – the strength of understanding, maybe, since that is what it is about? – and so
Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a few months, and so much as happened. I've been blogging on the site tumblr. If you have one, follow me and send me an ask telling me you're from here! http://kayxa.tumblr.com/ I miss this community and everyone on here, I'd love to know how everyone is doing though! (:
FedEx delivered my KWA Beretta M93R Machine Pistol. I named it "Little Bastard". The M93R spits bbs out in semi-auto, 3rd-burst, and full-auto. Perfect for target shooting outdoors or indoors.
I brush my hair and a fistful of hair is left in my brush. I wash my hair and a fistful of hair is washed down the drain. When I was a teenager and young adult I had very thick hair, so thick I needed extra big elastics to put it in a pony tail. So thick that banana clips wouldn't hold it. Now my hair is very thin. I am shocked when I run my fingers through it at how thin it has gotten. So I find myself wondering if I am going to be bald or will this hair loss stop at some point? Is this
Woke up to internet issues at 2am. Something was totally fubar at Microsoft. My Case Manager Miss Melanie took me shopping for the entire month. After buying groceries I still havd $80 on my foodstamp card. Couldn't figure out why until I got home. When I go to withdraw my check at the Bank, I seperate the cash into stacks for various things. Ended up spending the cash that I was supposed to set aside for things like medication. Went back to Wal-Mart and straightened that out. I'll be glad to pa
Frustrated, frustrated, frustrated! ARGHHH! I have been working very hard on my blogs. I have redone them and have been learning the ins and outs of blogging. Everything was going fine until yesterday. For some reason Blogger is not working right for me and keeps giving me error messages. I have sent 5 requests to help and received no help. I have no idea what is going on! I have been in blahs-ville for about a week now and just can't seem to shake the blahs. It is sunny and warm here and
I think I've figured out the shadow is the devil on my shoulder. A really intense, persuasive devil, but also my sense of self preservation. So the shadow is who gets me to stand up for myself when I've run out of other cheeks to turn. He gets me to take my meds when it would be easier to stop taking them and let depression take me where it may, but he also represents the urge to self medicate as the pills the doctor gave only get one so far.
Anyone acquainted with the comic strip "Tank McNamara" recognizes that immortal quotation. It's ex-football player Tank, on his first day in television sports reporting, attempting to say "Sports News" on the air while nervous. So, in other news ... My ex just filed a motion, attached somehow to her appeal of the financial decision in our recently completed divorce case, requesting that the court continue that appeal for eight months while it investigates her allegation that I'm an internationa
I feel like total human failer.When I think about last 4 years I see myself like nothing.I lost most of my friends,I cant fight with OCD,I have this scars on my arms from burning myself,I feel guilty,insecure and lost.My family is sure Im worthless.I think they are right.I feel pain and saddnes.Maybe I dont deserve someone to hear me.Im trapped:(
Images are starting to resolve. It's something I don't want to remember. I did a lot of work in the beginning to forget. Maybe this means I'm ready to deal with it now. I'm afraid of taking this on before I am ready, but even more afraid of continuing to go on with this formless panic just beneath the relatively normal front I put on. I'm not getting any younger and it feels important. I'm not going to wish to know what "it" is, for fear of the answer. I'm going to find out eventually somehow.
I am new to blogging and currently have two blogs on the go. The first blog I started is http://stigmabegone.blogspot.com and that is about my life with depression. The second blog is all about Christmas crafts that are easy, fast and cheap to make http://clareyxmas.blogspot.com I made a big mistake while posting to my Christmas blog. Someone kindly pointed out my mistake and I spent all day today redoing my blog in order to fix it. I sure hope everything is all right now and that I'm not br
One benefit of my meds is they stop me from derealizing. I noticed this again lately since I am not used to reality feeling, you know, really real. I'm grateful for that. But other things are coming through (thoughts, images) that I am not sure are real. I don't know if this is the result of my slip or if they were the cause. When I started drinking I liked the fact it made my mind quiet. Now and then my mind has been unquiet. I don't know what they want from me but I am afraid of them. I try t
At least for a while. Hopefully it will be a learning experience and quickly over. Yesterday I went to my therapist and was trying to communicate how horrible a family situation was for me by demonstrating, letting a scared and horrified part of me take over. It wasn’t my therapist’s best day, perhaps, and she misunderstood some things, I think, and I ended up feeling rejected and demeaned – which are deep issues for me, still not yet resolved. So here I am today feeling disoriented, seeing no
On April 24, 2010 my father passed away after a long hard fight with colon cancer. I love my dad and miss him every day. My grief is as fresh today as it was on that day in 2010. I have many feelings bottled up inside me in regards to my father's illness and death. I have great sadness, an empty spot in my heart, anger, resentment, forgiveness, and love. Overall, I am heartbroken. How do you mend a broken heart? Can a broken heart be mended? I know, with time comes healing. But it has be
Im so angry.In my family of course had fight again and my father said he will never come home again and nobady knows where he is.Im sure he will come back,but why he act like a child?I dont know what's wrong with him.For now I have to start to take care for my mother and brother.I see my mother feels really bad.
A woman can make nearly any straight guy do what ever she wants him to do. All the woman has to do is spread her legs for him and he'll do ANYTHING to dip his stick in her. Just like a woman can be a 7ft tall, 600lb Meth Whore. All she has to do is spread her legs and almost any guy will jump between them without hesitation.
I am sitting on my couch with my two sleeping cats. What a life a cat has! I am also listening to the wind blow outside, and it sure is blowing. For the first time in a long time I am sitting here not thinking about depression. What a nice feeling. It is nice to just sit here being content with my life, not having to analyze myself or learn more about depression. I know I cannot put my depression on the back burner and ignore it, but I think it is fine to take a break from it today. I des
Might as well be honest and admit that addiction is winning this round. Drinking got out of control on Sunday, mostly because I didn't feel like controlling my drinking. Strangely didn't have a panic attack or feel too guilty afterward, although I do feel a little weird for fighting so hard to be sober and just giving up like this. Still hung over a little bit. Can't say I wouldn't loooove a few roxicet pills right now. Maybe more than a few. So I'm trying to be strong and not start putting f
The Princess Unseen A Fairy Godfather Story A Brief Natural History of Fairies Fairies, on the whole, are just like you and me, except where they're different. For one thing, there's the flying: they're better at it than we are. They're better at it than most things, actually, even other things that fly. They can hover at will; they can do complex aerobatics; and they can speed off faster than you can see. And well, that's another thing: they can choose whether to be visible to peopl
Today I wrote about mental health in the work place. Is depression considered a disability? Do I have any rights as a depressed employee? Can I be fired because I took a sick leave due to my depression? I am thinking a lot about going back to work. I don't feel ready yet but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. I did some research about disabilities and the work place. If you would like to learn about this topic visit http://stigmabegone.blogspot.com http://clareyxmas.blog
Yes, I do believe it twas a good day. I got quite a bit done around the house, took my son to the bottle depot (where he received $60 for his cans and bottles!), did all my errands. I wish all days could be good days like today was. I even washed my hair! HAHAHA! If you check my blog you'll see what I mean http://stigmabegone.blogspot.com I hope everyone else had a good day too. Tomorrow could be another down day so I am reveling in the goodness of today.
