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This is probably appropriate for a New Year's post ... Ten years ago December 30th, I checked myself into a locked psych ward, feeling depressed and suicidal. The amusing thing is how quickly I felt better, isolated away from my ex. By the third or fourth day, folks around me were clamoring to get out; I was quite content in there. I still had to go back, and stayed with her for just over a year more. But, though I had some periods of depression that year, I found that I had begun to figure out that some things aren't worth what I was paying. And that's one heck of a useful lesson, right there: know what you can afford, what your limits are, when to stop struggling, acceptance of what you cannot change. Which brings up another memory of the hospital, one of my favorite: a woman who was there for alcohol detox wrote out on an index card for me the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer (they borrowed it; it existed before.) I still carry it in my wallet, folded in half and ragged along the edge, as a reminder. Whatever you think of AA, or of prayers, it does contain a valuable message. God, grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the ones I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. Acceptance, Courage, and Wisdom. Quite a toolkit.

"Vocation" originally meant the calling that priests were expected to feel when they chose to enter the priesthood. It only later came to mean whatever career a person chose. I chose to make a right turn fairly late in my life, and go from a quarter century or so of computer programming to a new profession, psychological counseling. The change required that I get at least a master's degree, which at my age is probably as far as I will go. What made me decide to make such a change? Well, some of the events in my own life, which are largely detailed elsewhere in this blog, gave me some experience with psychology, from the user's perspective, you could say. Verbal abuse, depression and suicidality, and a drawn-out divorce made me aware that there had to be more to life than programming. And, coming to the site during that period, I learned a bit about helping and being helped. Programming isn't much of a legacy compared to that. The path to the degree has been long: four years and counting. The subjects taught were not clear-cut like the ones in my biology undergrad schooling. The classes had varying amounts of "experiential" learning, which seems to have meant that we taught each other. I have failed courses (before this one), something that isn't like me. I put off applying to the practicum several times, tiding myself over with an elective course so that my student loans wouldn't come due. Clearly, then, I have shown some resistance to finishing the program. Now it will take at least another year to graduate, and then I have to get licensed. Anxiety accounts for some of the resistance, at least. The fact that, even when I'm licensed, I will have to be supervised throughout my career is another burden that slows me down. The profession also won't be as lucrative as if I had continued programming, and hey, who doesn't like money? My advisor, even before I was admitted into the program, remarked that I didn't have the same kind of enthusiasm that other students had coming in, mostly just having graduated with psychology degrees. I pointed out, essentially, that I was twice their age and so could be expected to be roughly half as naive, I mean optimistic. I used better words, because he let me in, but I haven't become less cynical. Interestingly, I chose counseling as the way to help because I had experience with (receiving) it over most of my life, and I assumed that was how people get helped. I only realized, this last semester during one of my supervision sessions, that counseling was not, in fact, what helped me through the worst of my own time. It was this site! (The people really.) That startling idea has at least opened my mind to consider other helping options, even if I finish the counseling degree. It probably plays no small part in my reasons for coming back.

Been a peaceful day in again. Did a bit of tidying up cleaning the flat and clear headness

profiteroles with cream and chocolate sauce Cheese and Carmelised onions tart Cheese and onion pastries https://postimg.cc/K4RzPv3z https://postimg.cc/6T30CRhv https://postimg.cc/ZBqrFt6S

Mini pork pies Salmon en croute French apple tart with lemon curd glaze https://postimg.cc/WqLLw6v2

I think this is the longest gap there's ever been in this blog, which has been running since 2008. I guess nothing too surprising happened this past year: classes go on; it will soon be time for practicum, where the rubber meets the ... forehead of the client; I went back to work for the big-box grocery-slash-everything chain I worked for before ... All the usual anniversaries went by: my hospitalization, my ex filing a restraining order that began the end of our marriage, and so on, but they didn't carry very much weight this time. More prominent was the two year anniversary of my second marriage, which is much happier. I continue to make progress in my own therapy. And that might be part of the reason for the gap: I would like to postpone writing until I'm "done", whatever that means, until I think I can sound smart describing the humbling process of coming to terms with coping "skills" that I would rather change. What I found, mostly, is that my childhood was, in fact, kind of difficult, despite everyone involved doing their best and no major evil. My folks just had too much on their hands, having two baby boys in their 40's. As the first child, I did my best to relieve them of some of the burden, which simply isn't a child's job ... It made it very confusing about what I'm allowed to do, what I'm allowed to want, who I'm allowed to be. The limits seemed a good idea at the time. Now I have to reconcile the part that resents all that I thought I should give up with the part that thought that giving those things up was a good idea. And I do mean reconcile; there's a desire to "replace" the old manager part, but all that does is change which part is exiled. I have to find an argument to which they'll both agree for why they're stronger and better together. So. Still here, still reading, still hoping that people benefit. See y'all around.

Twue Wuv! Okay, so I can't do this without quoting The Princess Bride, maybe because I'm wearing a mask and a tiny Dread Pirate Roberts mustache, or maybe because my head is lolling around from just having been resuscitated ... But I'm getting married tomorrow! :-) That's been the plan, ever since I moved up here a couple of years ago to be with her, but up until now, it had seemed better to put it off. For one thing, my previous marriage was not a picnic, much less twue wuv, so fear was definitely a factor. Too, there was a lot for me to work on, in myself: what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, for one thing; what to do with the part of my life that had come to an end, for another. Perhaps, even, the question of what parts I deliberately wanted to end, and what parts to change. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," as the song says. My signature says something comparable, "When the Way comes to an end, then change. Having changed, you pass through." Passing through, you begin again. After all, the Way doesn't end. We do, or our illusions do. Or nothing ends; it just flows on from one thing to the next. So yeah, philosophy: a complicated way to say what we all already know, but may not have been able to say, before. Plus, it's a great way to explore the limits of thought, and the limits of the words we use to express thought. A way to convince thought that something else is needed ... And one word for what that something else is, is "Love".

I know I have not been very active on this site lately. There was some discussion of this in the Announcements thread introducing me as a new moderator, but I thought I would add more detail here. The blog feels like a more appropriate place for this, and that way I don't feel like I'm cluttering up an announcement thread with a whole wall of text. I have made massive progress in the past year or two in learning to stop beating myself up. I'm starting (just barely) to accept who and what I am, flaws and all. As a perfectionist, I find this to be a difficult thing to do, but I prefer it over the alternative, which is rejecting myself until I meet some artificial standard that I set up for myself in the hope of gaining approval from others. I'm also experimenting with not giving a lot of weight to what others think of me. That does not imply that I reject social norms (I'm actually rather conventional from most points of view), but rather I am allowing myself to be me, rather than trying to make sure everyone likes me. If someone dislikes me, at least the are disliking the genuine me, rather than being kind of meh with some fake version of myself. This is so freeing, but nonetheless I still drop back into my comfort zone of being invisibly neutral whenever I forget to consciously work on it. I wish I could share this with others, but I had to do a lot of hard work to get here. It took many months of practice and hours of sitting with discomfort, trying out new behaviors (along with new medications, yuck!), and disputing irrational thoughts. I am still not a master of this skill, but I am gradually learning to make friends with my own suffering, and not add to it by layering on additional meanings which are only projections of my reactions to past events I can't let go of. I definitely have improved, but there is still more work to do. I'm not a good enough writer to be able to package this up in a way that communicates to others how to do what I did. That's why I don't really post that much, which on reflection probably shows I've still got some perfectionism left to deal with. However, I don't want to say something that causes more harm than good. Given my personality quirks it is easy to take something I say the wrong way, and hear something unkind when I did not mean it that way. In 3d land, (aka IRL or "outside") I am also very quiet for the same reason. OTOH I don't see how my silence helps others, so I could experiment with being more active. Just writing this out literally made me sweat, so this causes some degree of nervousness on my part. I could view this as a good thing, another opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. If you have managed to read all this, thank you. I would love your input as to this dilemma. What would you rather see from me - more postings that potentially could be taken the wrong way, but potentially could offer support or understanding, vs being quiet and only stepping in to "referee"?

I feel happy this month.I felt real happiness before years and was forget this feeling.But I really like it now

Apple and banana crumble Pasta bake Cheese and mushroom tartlets https://postimg.cc/d74LsXj0 https://postimg.cc/ZWvGKyPv

https://postimg.cc/t1YSj3RF Pear and chocolate upside down cake

Asparagus and broad bean Quiche Tuna niche Cherry pudding https://postimg.cc/GTbXgmGw

Festive chicken and ham pie Homemade bettenberg cake https://postimg.cc/tYkXW8y9 https://postimg.cc/nsC76vTQ

Quiche Lorraine, samsous and french strawberry tart https://postimg.cc/bGtXdQ1V https://postimg.cc/vcf67jbG

Cottage pie https://postimg.cc/m1HkG4pK

Sweet and sour stir fry Chicken and mushroom pie Mango and passion fruit pies https://postimg.cc/rzJ65wBj

Coffee cake, chicken,pork and apricot pie and Balncmange https://postimg.cc/cg0ZkCb5 https://postimg.cc/Ppj15g68

Fish Pie and currant and cherries cake https://postimg.cc/Whjv4zpV

Chicken parmesan, lemon meringue pie and banana strawberry flip cake https://postimg.cc/cK8z8Qm0 https://postimg.cc/JtgBpZ39

Sainsburys is getting back to normal now lot less Queues and more in stock

I.know I generally do.this on Friday but after tomorrow I might be in new place won't be able to do it Monday - Out to Saintsburys Tuesday - sign up 11:50am took things to new place at 3pm Wednesday - staying in more packing Thursday - probation 9:30am taken some bigger stuff to new place 2pm CR 7:30pm Friday - might be moving in new place and getting paid Hope to be pack soon

All this week been packing Monday - went out for a bit shopping and done some more packing up Tuesday - Routestowork 9:30 packed more stuff up Wednesday - stayed in and packing Thursday - 9;30am probation and 7:30 CR Friday - routestowork 9:30am took some stuff to new place and back to packing

Monday - Humankind at 9am Routestowork - 10am Tuesday - sign on at 9:25am Wednesday - stayed in rest Thursday - probation at 9:30am tried to find new place at 4:00 CR 7:00pm Friday - Routestowork 9:30 New place viewing 10:00am back there at 4:00pm

24th Monday - went out for bit shopping 25th Tuesday - went out for a tea and more shopping 26th Wednesday - stayed in for a rest 27th Thursday - went out for bit more shopping and life healing choices at 7:30pm 28th Friday - 9:30am probation

Monday - stayed in for a rest Tuesday - signed on at 11:30am Wednesday - humankind at 4:00PM Thursday - probation at 9:30am, met with PPU officer at 2:00pm Life healing choices at 7:30pm Friday went to get paid and shopping and put gas and electric on.

Monday: meeting at routes to work at 11:00am Tuesday: signed on at 11:00am and English assessment at 11:30am Wednesday: stayed in for rest Thursday: probation at 9:30am and CR at 7pm Friday Humankind at 1pm also at first stop went shopping this morning

Monday 18th Went out to buy a couple of DVDs and shopping Tuesday 19th Went out to buy cola and a few food Wednesday 20th Stayed in and watched few DVDs Thursday 21st Had probation and CR came back at 10pm Friday 22nd Stayed in and s rest today.

1st March my birthday had a relaxing day. Brought new Halloween, Detroit Monday went out and brought two DVDS Molly's game and clue Tuesday went out to buy some cola Wednesday stayed in and tidyed up Thursday went to probation and CR Today stayed in and having a rest

Well it has just snowed today so it is a cold February. Monday stayed in watched a few DVDs Tuesday had to sign on so I can get money today Wednesday had a probation meeting with my probation officer Thursday went to my CR meeting with double helpings of bangers and mash Today put extra £20 on gas and £10 on electric

1. Get myself sorted out 2. Take a bath more often 3. Clean flat more

Mental support community. Don't know where I be without those

But Merry Christmas and happy new year

Stayed In today and had a Quiet day I'm. Had fish and chips TV is still pink but workable

Stayed in again. I doing a recovery session on Thursday nights To get myself better and get my mental health back to normal

Had a Quiet day out to the town. Not sure what to do for dinner. But will make something Going to watch a friends on CH5

Been a peaceful Quiet day. Went out at 9:30am stayed awake all last night. Enjoying talking about horror films on the forum. And opened up a bit about my life Had a sausage dinner for my yes.

There is a t-shirt I have (that is, that I asked my wife to buy me for a birthday) which has a saying on it that inspires me both on the face of it and by the thoughts that it triggers in me. I have considered sharing those before, but have always put it off, fearing that it might end up silly or preachy or make me look foolish. Eventually, though, I realized that my own negativity about how my thoughts might be received was depriving me of the chance to organize those thoughts in writing, and possibly some reader of whatever value they may contain So I decided to post this despite my misgivings. The t-shirt says: If all is not lost, where is it? Now, of course, this saying plays on the usual interpretation of "all is lost" to mean that All is gone, non-existent. And I know that some people feel that way; I have, at times. But if there is no All, then you would have to account for the presence of so very much universe, so much humanity that's still there, all around you. If you accept that the universe is even approximately infinite, then your All has to be in there somewhere. So let's start by assuming that your All is just lost, or in another way of speaking, that it has lost track of you somehow. Okay, then it makes sense that you at least might have some way of finding it again. But before you run off searching, you might want to spend a little more time deciding exactly what your All is. If you don't have a clear picture of it, how will you recognize it when you find it? You could be looking right at it. I know that's often what happens with my keys. Don't skimp on this phase, even if you think that the answers are obvious. Maybe especially if you think the answers are obvious. All is a pretty big thing to try to grasp at the best of times, and when you're panicked because it's lost, it's easy to persuade yourself that you'll never find it again. So, once you have an idea of what All you're looking for (as they say in the South,) where do you start? Well, we can continue with the analogy of my keys by suggesting that you start looking where you last remember you had it. I know that sounds either stupid or obvious; and amusingly, that's why I said it. Again, we're talking about a situation where you may not be thinking very clearly. But where you last had it, even if you're sure it's not there any more, can give you a lot of hints about where to look next. And even if you feel that you have never had it, you must have some similar experience you can relate it to, or you couldn't form the concept of your All in the first place. If your All is a feeling of peace or happiness, the conditions that allow you to feel that way are probably pretty close to the ones where you last felt it. If your All is a relationship that is now lost, it makes sense not to seek a new All in a place where there are no people. A "new" All, did I say? If it's All, how can you have a new one? Well, we return here to that phase of trying to be clear about what All you want. If you have been making a single person, or a group, or some part of you, or something you could be, your All, haven't you been limiting it, quite a bit? For instance, if All you seek is to feel better, who's to say that that's not on its way, only it's part of a bigger All than you thought? Maybe, in fact, All cannot be lost; you're embedded in it. That may make it harder to see. Especially, it may make it harder to see the part of the All that you're particularly looking for. But what's around you is the All, so what you seek is in there, somewhere. You just have to keep seeking it. That's All, folks!

Just wanted to say hi to everyone who reads this. I haven't been around in a while because I've been doing pretty well. After recovering from a deep depression back in November, I am still dealing with some depression, but managing it. I'm also doing modules on ADHD with my therapist that are really difficult for me, but it seems to be helping with a lot of my tendencies toward not getting stuff done and not being organized. I'm also taking steps to make my long distance relationship a short distance one. This is causing stress, but it's also giving me something to look forward to. It's scary and exciting at the same time. The best thing I've done for myself is to go sober. Alcohol was driving so much of my depression and anxiety that it's like a whole new world has opened up for me when I don't self-medicate. It hasn't resolved all of my issues, but it's the difference between swimming with and without ankle weights. I still have to work to keep my head above water, but at least I don't have something extra trying to drag me down. Not that I've been perfectly sober, and actually I had one really bad binge recently that I'm trying to use as an extra reminder of why I should leave that stuff alone. I used to not be that bad, but now it's like once I start I won't stop until I run out or get massively sick. So the solution is just not to start in the first place. It would be so nice to be able to unwind & relax with a beer like I did before a problem developed, but now that leads to anxiety and more cravings. Plus it's a bunch of extra calories I don't need. The other thing I've been working on is setting and accomplishing goals. Getting just one step closer to a goal gives me a good feeling that keeps me motivated. Nothing big like "lose 20 lbs," or "organize the apartment," but small stuff like "eat healthy one day a week," and "check the mail regularly." Hopefully the small stuff will lead to bigger stuff as I get better. That's the intent, at least.

I thought I would start a new ongoing series tagged with "Caring for your You". Expect me to make updates to the series periodically, when things occur to me. How to Care for your You Preface Congratulations! You are the owner of a one-of-a-kind being, a You. Now, you might say that everyone else is, too, but the reality is that your You is the only one just like it anywhere in the known Universe, and always will be. You might say you are You-nique (or if you never would say that, I might, just to establish how different we all are.) In fact, perhaps the first rule you should keep in mind is that ultimately, it is up to you, together with your You, to make the final decisions about what is right for you. Any guidelines you might find here are purely advisory, simply suggestions on which you and your You can base your agreements about how to be, together. Luckily for you, and as the underlying reason for what you are reading right now, You's do share certain common traits that their owners should know about. Much as each puppy is unique, but they share the traits that make them puppies, so unique You's share characteristics that can help us care for them better, if we know about them. Probably, if you are reading this, or at least understand human language at all, you have had your You for a number of years already. (If you still communicate with gurgles and screams, you might have to come back later. Waaah.) If you are lucky, the two of you may be getting along quite well as it is, and the recommendations that you find here may add little to the relationship you already have with your You. On the other hand, many of us find that we do not understand our You's, that our You's act capriciously or mysteriously, or even that we are not sure what our You is. After all, the You factory does not provide a You-ser's manual. It was for myself to explore my You, and for my friends whose You's sometimes baffle them, that I have written this simple guide. Meeting your You This might be a good time to introduce yourself to your You. I know that you have probably been together for some time already, but if your relationship is less than optimal, sometimes it helps to start over from the beginning. So, go ahead and introduce yourself. Pay attention to how you describe yourself when you do that, particularly the things that you do not say; it may come in useful later. Shake hands with your You. I promise you it will not bite, but if your You growls or acts threatened, you may postpone this step until later. Talk gently to your You. You's can sense a broad range of human emotion, including fear and contempt on the negative side, but also compassion and love, on the positive. Treat your You the way you would wish to be treated; you are not guaranteed an identical response, but the rule is golden for a reason. Who is You? But, maybe you are tempted to ask me exactly to whom it is that you are introducing yourself. Which one of all those voices inside is your You? You's are by nature fairly quiet creatures, so especially if you have never developed a good rapport with yours, it may be difficult to identify its voice at first. In fact, some people will find it easier if I first describe which voices are not your You. Your I's are not You The first, and for most people the loudest, voice that is not your You is the one that says "I". I's know things, or claim that they do, which if you think about it amounts to the same thing, because it means that they will refuse to learn different things. One clearly recognizable trait of your You is that it is continuously open to new wonders. Some I's talk about how good they are, how smart or strong or witty or fast or clever. They will say they know these things. Some I's talk about how bad they are, how stupid or weak or dull or slow or foolish. They too will say they know these things. Many people have I's that say good things about some aspects of them and bad things about other aspects, and in complicated examples sometimes say both good and bad things about the same aspect at different times. Most likely the I's will refuse even to notice the contradiction. People are undoubtedly not easy to understand. The useful thing to remember is simply that none of your I's is You. I's will resist change. It is difficult for them to admit that any changes are needed, because it would mean that there was something they did not know before. That can mean that they will refuse to change something they thought was good, even to make it better, and it can mean that they will even refuse to change something they thought was bad, because that would mean admitting that they were capable of being better. In fact, the very concepts of good and bad are labels the I's use to pretend that because they can name something, they know something. Have you never found things that were good in some ways, and bad in others? I's are incapable of gray areas; gray areas imply that there is something the I's do not already know. Your You, on the other hand, loves change. It loves finding out new things, fitting them into other things, seeing how the world works, both in its details and in its breadth. Too, it loves the process of learning, which means not knowing most things, and continually replacing old knowledge with new. Future chapters: Your fears are not You Your emotions are not You Care and feeding of your You <others, as suggested by readers, perhaps>

Made it through two weekends now without drinking. Trying to quit porn at the same time. Realizing I have a sex addiction. Dammit I get addicted to anything I touch it seems. Actually not everything. Just opiates, alcohol, and sex in general. Looking forward to getting ADHD meds but I'm aware there is a risk of addiction with those too. I can't say it won't happen. Then again my pdoc is aware I had alcohol issues in the past and may refuse to prescribe stims. Or I may grow some self control by the time I see him and have no problem. That is really the ideal. To not have alcohol messing with my meds and the proper combo for my condition. It's taken so long to get this far. It would be nice to be stable for a bit. I've made it over 60 days before, hoping I can do it again and then some. Or at least get to Easter then I could say I gave up alcohol for Lent (minus two days). I feel better. Since leaving off the booze I have noticed that I want to improve other areas of my life. Not only trying to quit porn but also caring more about myself and my surroundings. Feeling like things in life are important. Wanting to lose weight and eat better. Having better interactions with my meditation group. I still feel depressed at times but overall things appear to be looking up. Maybe this is what normal is.

This is a story from one of the Panda Warrior's later teachings. And despite the fact that I'm in the middle of another story, this one claims that now is the time for it to be told. Long ago, in the days before stories, there lived a man, and that man's name was Heerow. He lived on the grasslands at the foot of Sacred Mountain. This man Heerow was not a happy man. Though life on the grasslands was easy, he found himself trapped between Do and DoNot. These two were at war constantly within him, and because of their conflict he found himself completely unable to try. So, one day, he decided to take his Do and his DoNot, and climb with them up Sacred Mountain. He hoped that the sacred heights would persuade them to make peace, or if not, that he might leave them both there and be rid of them. Having decided, he set out, with Do on one shoulder and DoNot on the other, to climb Sacred Mountain. But, as often happened, he was soon brought to a halt by their constant whispering in his ears, one on one side and the other on the other. "Do, do!" said Do. "You have to do more. No one will respect you if you're not doing the most; you only matter if you're the best. It is by doing that we make our mark on the world; it is by doing that we know we're alive; it is by doing that people will know that we were alive after we're gone." "Do not, do not!" said DoNot. "Nothing you do will matter anyway. No one will respect what you do; someone will always surpass you. The world is too vast for any mark of yours to matter; nothing you do in the world really makes you feel alive; and when you're dead, who cares what you've done?" Gradually, Heerow's footsteps faltered, and he stopped, looking up at the slope of Sacred Mountain rising in front of him, now seeming impossibly far and hopelessly high. Suddenly Goad joined in from behind. "Go on then, you miserable man. Can't you even change this one thing?" Goad's counterpart, Flail, appeared in front of him. "Of course you can't, you miserable man. What made you think you could change anything?" Heerow fell to the ground, crying and clutching his head. How long he sat there in the dirt on the path to Sacred Mountain, he could not later recall. But at length he regained his composure, because there was somebody coming down the path from Sacred Mountain. It was an old man, leaning on a staff. His hair and beard were white and flowing. His smile was gentle and crinkled his eyes. He had taken pity on Heerow, and come down from Sacred Mountain to help him. Nodding towards each of the voices as if he could see them, the old man gestured to them all to gather round, but when he spoke, it was directly to Heerow. "So many! And no two alike, though they are all part of you. It is you that they protect, each one. They spare you by hiding your fears from you; they hide you from the world because of their fears. But their loving care comes at a price: each one believes that happiness is much less important than the evil they strive to prevent. Yet a life devoid of evil but also devoid of happiness may be the hardest life of all." The old man addressed each voice in turn. "Goad, why do you prod him so?" "If I were not to prod, he would never change anything, and risk being always unhappy." "Flail, why do you cut him so?" "Though he may be cut, at least he doesn't change anything. We're safe now; why risk change in return for the doubtful possibility of happiness?" "Do, why do you push him so?" "Without deeds, how will he know he's alive, or make himself immortal, or important, or happy? He doesn't know how to be happy; at least let him be busy." "DoNot, why do you restrain him so?" "Deeds will not make him alive, or immortal, or important, or happy. If he is busy all the time, how will he learn to be happy?" Then the old man turned his attention to Heerow himself. "You see, each one wishes you well in its own way, yet each is deceived in some way, each sees only part of the problem. Still, though the voices are many, it is you who are the greater. Why is it that you have no voice?" Heerow looked up, startled. Realizing he was still sitting in the dirt, he sprang to his feet, and finally spoke. "DoNot, you are right. I will not do, all the time. I will also spend time learning about happiness, if you will help me." "Do, you are right. Some things must be done, not necessarily for immortality or to feel alive, but just simply to live. I will do what is necessary, if you will help me." "Flail, you are right. Safety is important. I will keep it in mind, if you will help me." "Goad, you are right. Things must change. I will not waver, if you help me." "But it is I, Heerow, who must decide. I say what we do, and what we do not. I need the help of all of you, but it is I who must lead." And, thanking the old man for the gift of his wisdom, Heerow set off on the adventure of a lifetime.

So, I've had a few days to work with the image of a couple of childish conscious parts trying to cover up for certain perceived but nearly unconscious weaknesses, and I thought to give an update on that. First, the idea has helped to organize some widely disparate observations that I've made about myself lately. Not just obvious things, like my avoidance and procrastination on the divorce issues (i.e. fear of giving my ex a new handle by which to manipulate me, and instead giving her a different one by that very fear.) It also explains how I can feel like my better self even during the commute to work, and start snapping at people there, the first thing they say to me. Work, of course, is one of the areas where I'm on shaky ground. That makes me uncharacteristically intolerant of their shortcomings, simply because I'm so aware of mine. And hopefully, the flip side of that is that the new awareness is helping me to accept these divisions inside me. Not so that I can stay divided, but so that they begin to find the common ground between them (such as, that they are all part of Me!) :-) And, to the extent that I can tell, in such a short time, it's working. I feel more at peace with myself and those around me; after all, I exposed my deficiencies and so far, lightning has refused to strike me down ... {Now I just hope I don't lose this post in a freak electrical storm ...}

Take off my feelings So that I can cry freely What I did not say I felt safe with you Autumn leaves in the twilight This has come to pass Snow flies far away I wish I knew where you are I wish you were here ~~~

It's been a difficult ride with mr. suicide Guessing what I can show, and what can I hide The lost girl said she could read me The wise one called me inscrutable as a dragon Too young for beauty Too old for wisdom Wishing for a different now Change the past of the future Don't catch me There's nothing to fall on ...First attempt at freeverse. I don't consider myself a poet but I felt like experimenting with writing in code. Sometimes I think what I want to say would have a result I don't want, so I keep it shut. This becomes painful so it seeks an alternate means of expression.

I wrote this to someone today, regarding what I learned from the period of my life when I was routinely suicidal, and I thought it would fit into this blog thing. I was a bit surprised at the intensity both of the experience and of my explanation. I think it's possible that at some point I had a kind of religious experience without even realizing it, consciously at least. I was at a funeral service recently, and they read the 23rd Psalm. There is something very real for me about the phrase "the Valley of the Shadow of Death", whether one senses a shepherd there or not. There is something I love deeply, though I have no information about whether it's inside me or everywhere or other metaphysical bullshit, but there is something I love deeply, that led me out of that valley. I wasn't able to finish reading the psalm with them, because I was crying.

Things are gradually getting better. Started ADD med on Friday, feeling a big help from it even though I'm only on the starter dose. Could not come soon enough though as I'm already in trouble at work from falling behind. However, I think this trouble can be managed, especially if the new medication is as helpful as I think it will be. Actually, on Friday I thought things were going great and falling together for me. I felt genuinely happy, or more like a deep sense of gratitude for all that I have been fortunate enough to achieve or experience in life. This gave way to depression though over the weekend, which I think is a direct result of me not taking care of my personal needs, too much focus on work and no attention to other areas of my life. Once I figured that out I tended to some things around the house that were bothering me, but that I was procrastinating and I feel better now. At this point my greatest fear is that the meds will crap out on me and I'll be back to square one, or that my blood pressure will go too high and I'll have to be taken off them. Personally I'd rather be on the meds for a few years and have my heart explode than to continue slogging through these symptoms without a medication that works. I know a lot of people think ADD is a made up condition. I used to think that myself, until it became clear to my psychologist that i actually have it. So if you want to call it chronic laziness or just failing to be organized and disciplined, fine that's who I am. However, the medication flat out allows me to *think* in a logical manner instead of going off on tangents all the time. To say this is a relief from symptoms is an understatement. It's like I've been struggling my whole life and now I know what it's like not to have to struggle. It's amazing

My experiment in choosing to be happy or focus on the positives went as follows: Can one simply choose happiness? Maybe, but it takes more work than a mere desire and pasting a happy face on things. It's better to be realistic and work on the problems as they arise in the present. Did the world suddenly collapse if I stop worrying for a moment? No - my personal efforts to control the universe don't seem to be instrumental in holding it together. This is encouraging, because given the state of the world I would hate to be responsible for how much misfortune there is. Child soldiers, terrorism, corporate rapaciousness, corruption - it's not my fault, man, I didn't do it. It's still easier for me to come up with negative things than positive things though, so for the next week I will note each day 5 positive things that happened. I had a good visit with therapist this week. Came in feeling pretty defeated and left feeling like things are going to be okay. The revelation was that I had been telling myself I am useless, don't bring anything to the table, dull, boring, nobody would have anything to do with me. In fact there are a few interesting things about myself and I have accomplished some things that I can be proud of. I've started to support myself more instead of beating myself up all the time. Unfortunately self flagellation is a deeply ingrained habit so it's going to take some time to reduce or erase this activity. That leads to the other skill I am learning, which is patience. Patience does not come easily to me. I want the world to function at the speed of my mind. That is as soon as I think of changing something, I want it to be changed. The fact that our habits have momentum and cannot be undone with a single thought is something I drive myself crazy over. Resetting this expectation to a more realistic level is helping to reduce my stress levels, and with it reduce depression. We had a dharma reading in meditation today, which involved the slogan, "Turn all mishaps into the path." This was then explained to be a way of cultivating spiritual patience. Yes things don't go the way we want them to. In fact this is the case more often than not. If we can face this with dignity, we gain strength and that strength is the virtue of patience. In this way all mishaps become the path. Going to work on that. Dignity is not very high in my repertoire, yet. Still I keep having these thoughts, "I want to die." "I should kill myself." "Nobody will even notice." Again these are habits of thought that have been deeply ingrained. This suggests the next practice is to be patient with these thoughts. Not to let them run rampant and possibly influence my behavior, but to give them space and allow them to dissipate. I don't need to get sucked into them. In the past I would drink to MAKE them stop. Now I have to learn to be more gentle with myself and use techniques that maybe don't have as quick results, but are less harmful to the rest of my mind and body.

What a difference a week makes. I am still struggling with suicidal thoughts but no longer going with them. I've realized I can live with untreated ADD for the time it takes me to find a new doctor. It will be a diminished quality of life, but I can bear it. I have an appointment in two months with a doctor at a very well respected institution, but I am trying to find someone else I can see sooner. I would rather have this doctor be my primary care provider though because I agree with their philosophy of spending more time than 15 minutes if needed with a patient. I'm going to try to be more positive this week. I realize I complain a lot and am generally a negative person. I would like to change that. This week is an experiment to see if that can be changed by consciously choosing to focus on the positives instead of the negatives, which is easier. Will the world actually crumble around me if I stop worrying about it, as I fear may happen? Will I be blindsided by unimagined disasters if I am not constantly scanning for threats? I think I can risk it for a week. Of course if some disaster does happen this week it will be harder for me to see any value in attempting to choose happiness or be positive just through an act of will. It's possible I am just naturally unhappy - isn't that what depression is after all, namely sadness for no reason? Yet some people say happiness is a choice so let's see what happens if I choose happiness. Of course the world isn't all sunshine and roses so I am not going way over into the land of pink clouds and rainbows, just taking a more moderate view than the eeyore-like perspective that I normally have.

Let go! You don't run this show. Some things maybe you can guess But most we'll never get to know. Like dust Blown on a wind gust, Or poll'n hoping for a flow'r, We're doom'd to fly where'er we must. To fly Freely through the sky Means giving up our grip on Earth Knowing that either way we die. And see? It's not hard to be Relax'd when you no longer feel That you need control to be free. Wow, I chose a difficult (and awkward) form ... It's just how it came out.

I've had a bad cold but this has led me to stay sober over the weekend and get an enormous amount of sleep. Luckily I won't have to take time off work because I am feeling better. Thanks to so much sleep my depression has receded quite a bit. I actually feel good at this moment. I have much less feeling that I have to act out, more acceptance. I hope this feeling will stick around for a while. I learned over this weekend that isolation brings out a kind of heavy anxiety which is not fun. It seems to hit every Saturday. I wonder what would happen if I wasn't alone all weekend. I have plans to maybe go hiking next weekend, that would be a good experiment.