hmmmm.. so i start therapy tomorrow morning. 11.30am.. i e-mailed back to say i'd definitely go so now i can't back out..:eek: problem is.... i don't know where i'm supposed to go for the appointment and i have no way of finding out so i'm kinda screwed. but i suppose i'll find it:cool:
the thoughts of going home this weekend is scaring me. every weekend i have to pretend how much i LOVE college even though i hate it. and i have to pretend to be happy. and i have to go to stupid work. i hate weekends and i hate weekdays. i hate everyday of the week. it all sucks.
the weekends go so fast. i dunno whether that's good or bad.. it's really weird because when i'm in college i don't feel like coming home for the weekend but when i do come home i don't feel like going back. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!!! i am dreading going back to college later. i just want to stay here and SLEEP!!!!! tomorrow is going to be awful. all our perspective work is getting marked:eek:..... i was supposed to find a church this weekend and draw it but i havn't had a chance with work. a
i feel kinda bad for missing college today..[] but not really...!! so far, college is horrible. not how i expected it to be!!! i didn't expect to be sitting in a freezing cold cathedral everyday drawing. i didn't expect the people to be so normal.. i thought arty people were supposed to be fun..? noone seems very fun around here.. everyone's so serious...all my old friends from my course last year were so much fun!!! and my housemates are soooooo MESSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the kitchen is a mess AGAIN!!
my main problem right now (i think) is that i don't feel like i'm fitting in very well with anyone in my college. i'm really bad at making conversation. everyone seems to have found a group to hang out with. even the people who came here with me from my course last year have found new groups of friends now and i barely see them. it's kinda lonely. i thought i'd meet lots of people like me here but i was wrong.. everyone seems so normal and noone gets me. i dunno.. i get on ok with my housemates
i'm so confused. why can't i ever feel happy? i really did try to be happy and to have fun tonight but it only worked for a little while... it only ever works when i'm drunk. then when that wears off i'm screwed. i tried to be positive but i couldn't. nothing makes me happy anymore. i have no control over it. it just happens. what am i supposed to do? i feel like a lost cause. nothing will ever change. i know that. i feel like a loser. i don't think anyone likes me. i don't blame them. i wish i
i feel so unhappy right now. but that's nothing new i suppose. i feel so stuck and horrible horrible horrible. all my roomates are gone out to a party. i stayed home to try get some art done. i've been sitting staring at a blank sheet of paper for 2 hours now. i'm so uninspired. i was like this during the summer too. i hoped eveything would go back to normal and i'd be able to not be so blocked when i started college but i'm still the same. i really don't know what to do. i have no interest in w
my housemates are really nice so far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm a little drunk right now.. i'm living with 3 girls. everything's kinda spinning right now:D:D i'm glad my internet works here!!!!!!!!!!!
ha omg i'm so scared right now and i have butterflies in my tummy aaaaaaagain:D i can't believe i'm starting college tomorrow..:eek: i can't believe i won't be living at home anymore!!! i think i might be excited aswel right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my heart is beating sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fast... wow i havn't even packed everything yet.. i hope i get nice housemates!!! and i hope i don't get kicked out of college!!! this is so stressful that it's kinda funnnnny:D!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel so anxious right now. i'm tired of everyone saying bad stuff about me. my back hurts. i'm scared. this time tomorrow night i will be living with 3 strangers. i'm not properly packed yet. i want to fall asleep and never wake up again. i'm alone. and very confused. i don't want to feel like this anymore. i don't know how to make myself better.
ok so all i got to do is keep myself alive til sunday. i'm moving sunday night after work. then i'll give college a shot and see if it helps or not. if it doesn't, i dunno what will happen. and i'll try be nicer to myself too. i don't really know how to be nice to me though.. everything seems so out of control right now. summer holidays are torture... i wonder will next summer be as bad.. i wish i didn't care so much about what other people think of me.. it makes me feel bad about myself if i th
i hate when someone says they're your friend when really they don't want you as a friend. i don't feel like any of my "friends" really want me around. i feel invisible when i'm with them. maybe i should change my name back to invisible. the only true friends i have are you guys on this site i think.. at least ye are interested in listening to me. it sucks when someone you thought was a friend turns out to not be your friend. even my cousin doesn't seem to want me around and i would've considered
i wish i could make myself better. i wish i was better at talking and writing about how i feel. i wish i could find a way to talk about what i keep trying to talk about. i wish someone cared about me enough to notice when i'm sad. i wish i didn't have to pretend i'm happy all the time. i wish i could be reborn and start life all over again. i wish everything didn't hurt so much.
i really do have butterflies in my tummy.. i can feel them fluttering around. i'm getting very anxious about moving out.. i think i'll miss it here. and i'll miss my family. and i'll miss having a garden.. i don't think i want to move out anymore:( i'll be all alone when i go and i'll have noone. i want the butterflies to be gone..!!
i'm scared. i don't think i'll ever be able to get better. it scares me how fast my mood goes up and down. i can't stop it from happening. even if i start therapy that won't make me better because i'm not able to put my feelings into words. i can't even write them down here. that's how stupid i am. i don't even know how to help myself so how can anyone else help me? i'm broken and i can't be fixed. i feel so sad but i don't even know why i'm sad right now. everything's so mixed up inside me and
today was an awful day. i went shopping with my family. never again. the whole car journey up and down was awful. you know who kept shooting dirty looks at me. she was probably complaining about me aswel. i just couldn't hear because i was listening to my i-pod. it was a bad bad day.i'm tired of her constantly nagging me. she won't leave me alone. i'm tired of having to hide in my room. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm tired of feeling the same way everyday and i'm tired of typing the same t
i think my laptop is broken:( it won't turn on... (i'm on the family computer right now) i hope it fixes soon or else i won't be able to come on much anymore..............:( i'm going to get in so much trouble if it's broke
well...today has been another horrible day. i really really really don't want to feel like this anymore. i'm tired of feeling. i'm tired of living. nothing makes me happy anymore, not even the things that used to make me happy. I'm scared. because i'm not so sure if there really is a way out of these feelings other than killing myself. i don't want to be like this forever. i don't want to be on my own or to be invisible anymore. i feel lonely all the time and noone wants me, not even me, and tha
i had a nice day today and i feel kinda good for a change!!! i think maybe it's because i got proper sleep last night.. i feel verrrrry peaceful:) i went outside a little while ago and sat in the dark and it felt reallllly good because there was a nice breeze and it wasn't raining. and then i had ice-cream:D and that made me feel even better!!! i hope tomorrow is a good day, it's my last day off work until nexxxxxt week... tomorrow is an important day, i find out for definite whether i have a pl
i've decided that i'm going to be good from now on!!! i'm going to try be more positive and be healthier, even if that means eating vegetables and giving up ice-cream.. and I'll try not to let my family make me sad anymore and i won't play anymore pranks on them unless they really really deserve it and i'll keep my room tidy and do what i'm told and be a good daughter.. and i'll try not to complain about work as much either, [work is great, i LOVE work!!!]
well, my cuckoo blog is gettin kinda old so i figured I better start a new one... I'm glad that today was sunny! I like the sun. I spent a little while outside today trying to make shapes out of the clouds.. that was fun, but then it got kinda cold so i came back inside.. today was mostly a good day and my family and i got along more than usual but now I'm starting to feel a little sad.. not because anyone was mean to me or anything like that, but because they were nicer to me than usual. I feel
Welllll, today has been a looooooong day!!!!!!! I've been up and down all day again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I realized something today. . . . . I'm like a modern cuckoo clock!!!!!!!!!!! I feel very happy right now but I can feel it starting to wear off because it's happiness out of a bottle. there's a little bit of lonliness starting to kick in right now I think. and also a headache... oops!!! everything is so quiet again and a little scary...................... but I still feel a little fizzy too!!!
My mood keeps going up^ and down, up and down, up and down............. I wish it would make it's mind up whether to stay happy or sad...!! because it's kinda exhausting feeling both.....:confused:
Now that my name has finally been changed to blossom, I feel more invisible than ever. maybe I should change it back. I just want to say sorry to everyone. I know I'm a pain in the ass and I don't mean to be..I wish I wasn't so whiny and stupid all the time and I wish I could offer ye more support, When I think about it now, I definitely don't deserve to have such great freinds as ye, I don't even deserve to be alive. All I ever do is bring others down with me and that's not fair for them. I d
