Today I didn't have any paranoia and derealization seems to be down as well. I hadn't even noticed the derealization until it eased up a bit. Had a good day at work and no bad news. Might be getting some opportunity to go to HQ which strangely makes me feel way less depressed, like super happy. I guess I might have a strong desire to feel important at work. Well, I'm going to hope that I can stay on this path for a while but try not to get too attached so that I don't worry about what else could
Your former employees now work for the Bowen Center:D A former Therapist for the Northeastern Center here in Auburn is now employed at the Bowen Center where I get services.
I'm NOT joking one fucking bit. Doesn't do any fucking good being friends with anybody. I fucking despise people that say they're friends when they're really fucking not. It's time to stop trying fucking shit that doesn't fucking work. I guess I just wasn't fucking raised to fit in with people. Maybe it's fucking time to go back to the fucking way I was as a child. Fucking cold and sadistic. Brutalizing people for the shear joy of it.
Every once in a while something happens that makes me wonder if someone is watching out for me. I lost some stuff that I had been trying to get rid of, but was still holding onto because of my addiction. I don't know how long it's been gone because I only recently went to throw it out and found it was already taken care of. Anxiety has taken a step down since this happened. Intrusive thoughts are overbearing but I still feel like they are just thoughts - I don't have to listen to them. Nonethel
When I was in my OCPD mode I had a sense of myself defined by my tasks and roles in life. That structure fell apart when I had the breakdown, but I fell into a sea of emotional chaos. Now I have the sense of self that I described on my previous blog. I was discussing it today with my therapist. It’s kind of like this round ball that I can carry around with me and trust that it will guide me in more or less a good direction in my interactions with people. Very, very different from what the OCP
This loss for me hasn't begun to get easier, not even the slightest bit yet. People say with time, things will get easier, but I find that it's gotten worse. The last four days have been horrible as far as flashbacks, reliving his funeral, vivid dreams that would make a boxoffice hit if it were a horror movie. I miss him. I feel that the way I'm dealing with the grief at this point and time is the way I will have to get used to dealing with it for good. I fear it's permanent. I fear it wil
My now former Case Manager Miss Katherine brought over my new Case Manager Miss Melanie. Went shopping that morning and had a Case Manager on each side of me in the store hence the term "Sandwich Action".
Had some drinks today, only 3 but that was enough to trigger near panic. Not used to being this sensitive, feel guilty about every little thing lately. Highly isolated socially but unsure how to reach out. Want to go back to hometown except not sure if my old friends would still have room for me in their lives. Would probably do better there than over here though. Have a job here, would need to network and all that to get a job there. I don't know where I belong, thinking (again) I would be bet
Guess I had to go through some grieving over mistakes I've made. Not so worried about it anymore. Still haven't figured out personal identity yet so there's still that. It occurred to me that I'm not making my future any better by overturning my past in the search for a cause to my current troubles. Still, a self defeating attitude is like an addiction and thinking in a new way feels unusual to me. So much easier to fall into hopelessness and self hate. But just for the time being I am going t
I appreciate the private messages and posts to my blogs wishing me well during my absence from the forum. I apologize for not giving a notice, but one morning I just woke up and told myself I needed to heal, and I needed to find myself, even if it meant staying away from the loving friends on here. See, I don't think I realized it at first, but blogging and posting about my problems, and reading other posts were aggravating my circumstances- among other things. I've tried to heal, it seems as
The Way of the Bunny A Panda Warrior Story He was not like the other bunnies. Oh, he was an ordinary enough rabbit, but one day he decided that he was tired of being afraid all the time. He no longer wanted to spend his time sneaking around, nibbling on juicy leaves in the moonlight, and running away at the tiniest sound. So he set out to find another way. He wanted to be a warrior. He traveled in the laborious manner of bunnies. He skirted open areas, choosing instead to sprint in zigzags
Should I be an addict or clean? Am I sexually active or prude? Accept things where they are or risk it all for a chance at something better, but also a chance at something significantly worse? No matter where I stand the grass always looks greener on the other side. It seems when I do something I feel like doing, I regret my impulsive act, but then when I don't do something then I regret the missed experience. Then it occurs to me I'm beating myself up now that there's no one else around to d
Small things can make a big difference. When I'm hydrated my anxiety level is manageable. I still feel paranoid about leaving the house but at least not getting a panic attack. I've noticed that usually when I do have a panic attack I haven't been hydrating. Reading is another small thing that helps. It's relatively guilt free and provides an escape while also helping my concentration. I don't know how it helps, all I know is that I can do things more smoothly and mindfully after an hour of rea
The Northeastern Center has severely screwed up the lives of many clients. They were successfully sued many years ago and still continued to do wrong to their clients. In 2009 the Northeastern Center was made aware of a client being suicidal and refused to take action to protect the client. On 02/03/10 I went in and asked not once but twice to be admitted due to being extremely depressed and feeling suicidal. Both times my treatment team refused. When I told my treatment team that I was consider
dual identity. sometimes I am my genuine self, but at others I let people walk all over me or I do the damage to myself. Switching not predictable or controllable. Most of the day I have been good ralph but in the morning I was not. Romanticizing death. In danger of doing something bad, but careful to avoid the opportunity. Interesting things in my head. For a while the multiple channels at the same time stopped, but now it's back. It happened so gradually I didn't notice it when it went away bu
Anybody who has a history of trauma is at risk for some form of dissociation. For more info, you can look at the website of the Sidran Institute. When I first went to therapy with my current therapist she described my condition as “narcissistically wounded and fragmented”. She put major depression, DDNOS, and PDNOS as the diagnoses on my insurance receipts. I’ve been in therapy with her for about 20 months. For the first year and a half we concentrated on getting to know the fragments or pa
Lately feeling like giving in even though urges aren't so bad to deal with anymore. It feels like I'm a disaster even when I would to outside observers appear to have my act together. So even if things are going well it will still feel like shit. How do you think your way out of that one? Drugs become appealing as a way out. A quick ticket to a dirt nap and maybe a few good times along the way. And I miss the good times. Only thing stopping me is that the good times stopped before I did. I mean
Coz thats wot I NEED to do to be able to function on any sort of level that I dont keep melting down Infact today is the first time I've even thought about switching on my laptop for a few days (shocking aint it!) Although I've not achieved much of anything really, each day I get up and force myself to stick to some form of scheule (even if it is completely basic for now) Even though I'm really, really tempted each morning to just leave myself switched off from reality, I manage to force (litte
I can’t bring myself to tell anyone if my feelings are hurt. Even today with my therapist. I know that’s irrational. Well, if I cut my feelings off and be totally in my Rational Self I could say it. But then it would be as if I were reporting my feeling from afar. My feelings wouldn’t really be there in the room, so to speak. So instead I told her that I couldn’t tell her if felt hurt. Later in the session I did tell her about a small thing which had hurt my feelings, something she said i
Im trying to stay positive,but the pain and sadness are still here.Its like I will never escape from them.:(Somethimes I think maybe I deserve eveything that happen to me.I want to support people around me,but now I see I cant even help myself.
Last week therapist basically said just don't feel that way when I complained about feeling like a hopeless failure. Not sure how to take that. I have been making progress but from her suggestions I feel invalidated, like I don't really have a problem and am just complaining about normal everyday annoyances that anyone with a spine should be able to just get over. That's the problem though, is that I don't know how to "get over" things and that is what I am paying a professional to help me out w
I haven't posted in a few days... Probably because I'm generally feeling happy. S' birthday was on the 1st. We had a nice cook out near the pool with some friends and stuff. It was fun. He had an interview with a company for an internship that day, so I decided to go to his apartment and fill his entire room with balloons, hang up a home made birthday banner, and put a gift basket I put together on his bed for him to come home to. He was very surprised when he got home, and loved it! It was a
