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i hate myself so much when i eat, i did really well and dropped 7lbs then went to the pub got wrecked on long island teas ate some chips from the fish shop of all things that my on/off b/f bought me then yesterday i had some iccream and have now gained 3 fckin lbs! i really really hate myself i feel so weak and stupid :mad: my stomachs a mess cos laxes dont work anymore so im bloated queasy and blocked! i purged with the bleach ugggh i promised myself id never do that again! ive got the appt wit
I realized this morning that I have a protective part of me that says, each morning, "Hey, you survived another day! So, whatever you did yesterday must be safe. Don't do anything you didn't do yesterday." The problem is, that procedure inevitably results in a minimal existence, because it doesn't say anything about not doing things I did yesterday. So, I'm allowed to do less and less each day, but not more. Then, when I get tired of doing all of that work just to survive, while getting nothi
You know, the worst days are when you think you're right on the brink of crossing over into another world, where there's bright sun and no fear, but then later that same day, you feel not only like nothing has changed, but that nothing ever will. It's worse when you know that in between, you personally haven't moved at all. So yeah, it's all in my head. It's all in how I'm looking at things. But I don't seem to have any control over these disparate outlooks, to say, I need the hard-headed one
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i wonder would i have turned out like this if i had a different mother? or would i still be the same? maybe it's not her fault. maybe it's my own fault that i'm a screw up? i wonder what i could've done differently? when i was small i thought the way she acted around me was normal and i accepted all the horrible things she told me about myself. and she used to hit me really hard sometimes but daddy made her stop . i thought that was the way all mothers acted around their children? but then i
a story I woke from my dream, lying naked at the edge of a small river. My clothes it seemed, had deserted me some time during the night. Odd, but Before I had time to contemplate the meaning of it, another thought invaded my head, FOOD! Alas, it was nearly noon and my stomach was rumbling louder then those god awful trains they have in those "civilized" citys like new york and london. My clothes would wait for now, food was a priority. I set off from the river traveling east d
I couldn't believe I passed the job screening! I'm not sure if I will pursue the job, though. I have a few concerns I would like to address during the orientation tomorrow before I totally commit myself to the training. It didn't help that we got some negative feedback about the company in the net. But I'll find out more about the company -- I hope---tomorrow, then we'll decide.
Here's what I really needed to say for today: Yes, every day is filled with new struggles, or worse, the same old struggles from yesterday. Yes, there are times when I feel like it won't ever end, when I get angry at the world for being so obstinate, when I can't understand what I'm doing wrong. Yes, it all ends some day, and that end gets closer every single day, whether you make any progress on your problems that day or not. But no, damn it, none of those things is a reason to quit trying. So
This post is sort of out of the sequence of my other recent ones, but I felt it necessary to mark the day, as it might help explain some of my irritability and confusion recently. Yesterday, the 13th, was my seventh wedding anniversary. Yes, we got married on the 13th; how's that for tempting fate? (Those who don't know: we've been happily separated for almost eight months now.)
Hmm, well, as I was delaying getting out of bed this morning, I was thinking a string of bad things about myself. I'm not sure whether it would help or hurt to be specific, so I won't. It occurred to me that, if I were to blog about the things I was telling myself, I would be sure to have many friends jumping in to tell me about all the good things I do. They wouldn't be lying. I do many things that are good; I realize that. And they would only be trying to help by telling me about them. Th
My driveway is wet again. Well at least the "no dog poop in sight" lasted longer this time. At least they cleaned it up. I hope they cleaned it up well. Maybe I should count my blessings instead. Just a few years more, and we'll get out of our financial rut and find a better home for my family. Keeping my fingers crossed!
im feeling a bit calmer today and yesterday wasnt too bad though im tired. i love having my chldren here and they're past the stage of running me ragged thank god and on the whole they're really well behaved except my oldest! but i get exhausted easily lately and the constant demands on my time make it more tiring even though it's only over the weekend. I sometimes feel a bit resentful because i have to stop the urges to cut or od ..not always easy! they're getting older and it's hard to hide. I
JUST WOKE UP FROM MY AFTERNOON NAP. WHY DO I HAVE THESE ACHES AND PAINS ALL OVER MY BODY. AM I COMING DOWN WITH A FLU??? :eek: I HOPE NOT! MY JOB EXAM IS TWO DAYS FROM NOW AND I HAVEN'T DYED MY HAIR YET! HOW TIRESOME TO DYE AT HOME...BUT I HAVE TO! I HAVE TO, I HAVE TO, I HAVE TO.....
A couple of my "significant life events" might shed further light on my tendency to freeze up under pressure. The first one was when I was three. I couldn't have been much older, because we moved to another house when I was four. We came back from somewhere, and my parents were busy with my younger brother. I remember begging for the house keys, to open the door. I thought it would make me a grown-up to do that for them. Well, I succeeded in opening the door, and I was so happy that I ran i
I cut my hair yesterday in preparation for my job exam on Tues. Now at least I don't look like a hag. Later I have to do something about my grey hairs, get a dye and then a hot oil product from the supermarket. It's a lot cheaper than getting it done in the beauty parlor. I wonder if I will look 36 to them or older...I hope not. There's nothing much I can do there. I hope I didn't age too much. Am I getting excited? :eek:
I got a call from the call center where I sent my resume. I thought I didn't qualify, they usually call in a week, and it's been about 2 weeks already, so I wasn't really expecting it. I'm scheduled to take an exam there in a few days. Though I am getting anxious, I am telling myself not to expect anything. If I passed and I was accepted, then it was meant for me. I hope they won't see how nervous I am.
just got weighed again i am now 97lbs!i am so angry with myself ive been good these past few days! god i hate food i dont even enjoy it the taste, nothing ppl say they have fave foods whats mine? or what do you fancy for dinner?..i can never answer that question because i just do not know. supermarkets are my worst nightmares, it takes me around two hrs to buy something in when i get dumb and decide to eat 'regular' on the way to the shops i get headache start feeling tired,first i go straight
im doing more and more but im not getting that same high, mostly anger which unfortunately makes it more messy and just know im going to end up with yet more ugly scars. my blood is not warm bright clean any more its dark dirty and cold..i hate that coldness thats what makes me mad it feels dead so then i start ragging the blade over my skin rather than slicing. so many ppl seem to think cuttings about pain but for me it isnt,it's not control or anything like that either it's just clean and giv
I realized clearly this morning: I'm afraid. I'm sort of on the border between my old life and a new one. Well, not on the border, exactly. The border seems to me to be a broad, uninhabitable strip between my dark lonely past and current life, and the sunny green fields of my future. I'm hovering just inside the old life, looking across at the life I've always dreamed of. And I'm afraid. Even though I feel strongly that fear won't be needed in that sunny new life, that any trouble I might e
hmmmm.. so i start therapy tomorrow morning. 11.30am.. i e-mailed back to say i'd definitely go so now i can't back out..:eek: problem is.... i don't know where i'm supposed to go for the appointment and i have no way of finding out so i'm kinda screwed. but i suppose i'll find it:cool:
I've already painted a sign on two small used tarp sheets that says, "PLEASE, ALWAYS CLOSETHE GATE. THANK YOU." When it's dry I will stick the sheets back to back with each other and hang it up on the gate. Hopefully it will remind them, for now. My husband and I fought about it last night. He said that they (the relatives) are just plain lazy and there is nothing we can do about it. Easy for him to say that, since heis not the one cleaning up the mess almost everyday. But we made up alrea
My driveway seemed to have been washed recently. Probably last night, the dog pooped there again, thus a driveway that's still damp from washing. (If you would call splashing water over pee washing.) But this morning, so far so good. My neighbor seems to be mad at me. (She gave me looks when I tried to make small talk to her.) Imagine that.
